Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

A Redneck told the pharmacist, "I have a hot date tonight, and I need me some pertection. How much is a pack of them there rubbers gonna cost me"?
The pharmacist responded, " A three-pack of condoms is $6.99, with tax".
"TACKS"! hollered the Redneck, "Gawll A'Mighty! Don't they stay on by theirselves"?!

2006-12-02 00:20:15 · 9 answers · asked by jfmm 7

A kid walks to school with her cat and the teacher asks "why did you bring your cat?" to which the child responds "I heard my dad tell my mom when the kid leaves Im going to eat that pussy"

2006-12-02 00:14:02 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing
how Important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My Son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The Second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is
a Bishop. Whenever He walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace.'"
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son Is a cardinal. Whenever he Walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence.'"

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.
The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My Son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hardbodied, well hung, Male stripper. Whenever
he walks into a room, women say, "My God...."

2006-12-02 00:11:07 · 14 answers · asked by Static3 1

Baby Chick asked Mama Hen, "Am I People"?
"No, you are a Chicken".
"Do Chickens come from People"?
"No, Chickens come from Eggs".
"Are Eggs born"?
"No, Eggs are laid".
"Are People laid"?
"Some are......... others are Chicken"!

2006-12-02 00:10:34 · 15 answers · asked by jfmm 7

What gets longer when you stretch it out?

The "head" of this item fits down into a hole.

When it is released, this item "flies" out of the hole.

Any ideas of what this could be?

Whenever the item "snaps" into place, it makes you feel more secure.

Alright. I'm talking about a seat belt in a car....Geez

2006-12-02 00:08:38 · 9 answers · asked by osunumberonefan 5

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources
Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in
heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven!" said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a
Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to
do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let
you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've already made up my mind, and I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..." said St. Peter.
And with that St. Peter put the HR executive in an elevator and it went
down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out
onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a
country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow
executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening
gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and
they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at
night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and
lobster dinner.
She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she
had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time
that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and
waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates where she
found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the
harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours
were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you
must choose your eternity."
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd
say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a
better time in Hell."
So, St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down
back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself
standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her
friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it
in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand." stammered the woman, "Yesterday I was here and there
was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and
had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my
friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her, smiled and said:





"Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today you're an Employee!"

2006-12-02 00:04:18 · 15 answers · asked by Static3 1

Two elderly men were having a conversation about sex:

1st: Yessir, I did it three times last night with a thirty year old!
2nd: You're kidding!! I can't even manage once! What's your secret?
1st: Well, my secret is to eat a lot of whole-wheat bread. I am not kidding!

So the second old man rushed to the bread store.
Clerk: May I help you?
Old man: I want five loaves of whole-wheat bread, please!
Clerk: Man, that's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done!
Old man: D@mn!! Does EVERYONE know about this, except me?!!

2006-12-02 00:04:04 · 7 answers · asked by jfmm 7

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.she told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.Years went by and he continued to rip them.One Day,she pulled the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied a bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.Later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting, and was followed by a blood curdling scream and sounds of frantic footsteps into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself.Then her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpant.She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.He said,"Honey, you were right.You always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

BYE - Imtiyaz G

2006-12-02 00:01:11 · 5 answers · asked by Imtiyaz G 4

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes asked.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our tent!"

2006-12-01 23:56:31 · 12 answers · asked by anitha 4

A blind man finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar
immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1 - The
bartender is a blonde girl
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 180-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously, Mister.
Do you really wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah.......... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

2006-12-01 23:46:59 · 17 answers · asked by Static3 1

1. Men are like . .. Laxatives.............They irritate the crap out
of you.
2. Men are like...... Bananas .............The older they get, the less
firm they are.
3. Men are like...... Weather ..............Nothing can be done to
change them.
4. Men are like...... Blenders..............You need One, but you're not
quite sure why.
5. Men are like.......Chocolate Bars.... Sweet, smooth, & they usually
head right for your hips.
6. Men are like .....Commercials....... You can't believe a word they
say.
7. Men are like ......Department Stores .... Their clothes are always
1/2 off.
8. Men are like .....Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long
to mature.
9. Men are like ..... Mascara ........... They usually run at the first
sign of emotion.
10. Men are like .........Popcorn ............. They satisfy you, but
only for a little while.
11. Men are like.........Snowstorms ....... You never know when they're
comin

2006-12-01 23:41:19 · 18 answers · asked by Static3 1

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would?happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood ,
"Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach,"
Because I process food and give all of you energy." ? "I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." ?? "I should be in charge," said the rectum,
"Because I'm responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery,
and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the
boss..
The Moral of the story?
The a*shole is usually in charge

2006-12-01 23:35:06 · 11 answers · asked by Static3 1

busts through the door screaming to his wife- "I WON! I WON! I Hit the $12 million dollar lottery!!Start PACKIN', honey!" Wife says- "AHH! Should I pack for warm or cold weather?!" Guy says- "I don't give a rat's azz, I want you Outta here asap!"

2006-12-01 23:25:37 · 5 answers · asked by Fonzie T 7

Where does she get them all? A Website or something?

2006-12-01 23:03:40 · 6 answers · asked by blahblahblah 5

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her
five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you bas*a*ds who
want to get off, get the f**k off now, 'cause we're in a hurry!
And all of you bas*a*ds that are getting on, get the f**k on,
Cause we're going down the tracks..."The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and
stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train,
but I want you to use nice language."Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her
son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the trainplease remember to take
all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us
today and hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue,
"For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under
your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added..........
"For those of you who are pi**ed off about the TWO HOUR delay,
please see the fat bi*ch in the kitchen...."

2006-12-01 23:03:03 · 26 answers · asked by Pickles 2

"How much will one cost?"
"One pound," replied the clerk in the hardware store.
"How much will twelve cost?"
"Two pounds."
"Okay, I'll take nine hundred and twelve."
"That will be three pounds."

What was the customer buying?

2006-12-01 22:59:03 · 11 answers · asked by nutymonky 1

2006-12-01 22:56:26 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

listens to the news on the radio, jumps out the window committing suicide why?

2006-12-01 22:56:09 · 8 answers · asked by deb m 4

2006-12-01 22:54:47 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

It was originally an English, Scottish and Irish joke.. But I don't wanna offend anyone..

There were 3 guys wanting to immigrate to america. So, they hid in 3 boxes on a plane.

A custom officer sees the 3 boxes and wonders what's inside.. He kicks the first one..

"Meow.. Meow.." A sound cam from the box.. 'A cat' Thought the officer..

Next box, "Woof.. Woof.." 'A dog' thought the officer..

And when he kicked the last box the 3rd guy goes.. "POTATOES.. POTATOES..!"

2006-12-01 22:54:20 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A college professor at a medical school is about to give a lecture on what he knows is going to be a pretty boring topic. Involuntary muscle spasms. The prof tries to keep the class interested and asks a pretty woman in the front row "Young lady, do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" The woman says "I don't know. He's probably out golfing with his friends".

2006-12-01 22:49:50 · 15 answers · asked by Commander 3

This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place, and he takes a seat at the bar.

"This is a nice place. I've never been here before," he says to the guy next to him.
"Oh, really?" the other replies. "It is a nice place. It's also a very special bar."
"Why is that?" the first guy asks. "Well, do you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."
"Gee, that's amazing!" says the first guy.
"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."
"No way! That's impossible," the guy scoffs.
"Not at all. Take a look," the other man replies, and with that he walks over to the window and opens it. He climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh -- he comes right back up and sails back through the window. "See? It's fun. You should try it," he says.
"Try it? I don't even believe I saw it!" the first man shouts.
"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again." And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40... 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh -- he comes right back up and sails back through the window. "Give it a try. It's a blast," he says.
"Well, what the heck, I'll give it a try," the first man says, and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10... 20... 30... 40... 50...60...70...80...90... 100 feet and splat -- he ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.
After watching this, the second guy casually closes the window, heads back to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."

2006-12-01 22:45:29 · 10 answers · asked by anitha 4

I once quoted star trek in an essay using the harvard refrencing system.

Top that

2006-12-01 22:42:19 · 7 answers · asked by Eggman 2

I would like to say it's only a joke..

This one's pretty funny.. But mean..

Michael Jackson goes on a cruise. It's a real nice ship, and everyone's having a good time. Then, they hit an iceberg.

So everyone starts racing over to the lifeboats. All the women get on them and all the men but some children are left behind..

One guy says, "Should we go back for the children..?"

The other replies, "Screw the childen!"

Michael says, "Do you think we have time?"

2006-12-01 22:40:17 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

of rope for christmas it is to tie her wee pu5sy up to keep it were it should be ? what sort of rope should i buy?

2006-12-01 22:37:46 · 12 answers · asked by armaghmadman 2

A young boy went up to his father and asked, "What's the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father ponders for a moment and then answered "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid and also ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid, then come back and tell me what you learned.
"So the boy went to his mother and asked "Mum would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid?" The mother replied, "Definitely, I wouldn't pass an opportunity like that."
The boy then went to his older sister and asked "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid?" The girl replied "Oh gosh, I would just love to do that, I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity."
The boy then thought about it for a few days, and went back to his father.
His father asked him "Did you find the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on 2 million quid, but realistically we're living with two slappers.
"The father replied, "That's my boy"

2006-12-01 22:33:55 · 13 answers · asked by Pickles 2

I am not typin in improper english................it is a fact

2006-12-01 22:31:31 · 5 answers · asked by interested 3

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

2006-12-01 22:21:48 · 9 answers · asked by daniel a 2

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my *** for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat *** and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season!

2006-12-01 22:21:28 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

There's an Englishman, Irishman & a Scotsman all talking about
their teenage daughters.
The Englishman says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes".

The Scotsman says "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."

With that the Irishman says "Both of you have got nothing to
worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a
willy."

2006-12-01 22:10:39 · 17 answers · asked by Pickles 2