I'm really sad...?

Question

Man, I should be at Chicosci right now... But my friends bailed on me and I'm not allowed to go alone... I'm already about to cry! I wanna watch so badly... It's too late though, I sold my ticket...

try to cheer me up, The one who makes me laugh hardest get the ten points. Good luck. You'll need it.

Answer 1

Well. Let me try to laugh you by offering you 10 Good Jokes. Here are they.

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss, each day, they noticed the boss left work early.

One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was horrified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. " I almost got caught yesterday!"
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Blond and Blue

A blond man showed up at work one day with a black eye. When his co- workers saw him they asked him what had happened. He told them it had happened at church. They didn't believe him, and wanted to know what really happened.

So he told them, "I went to the church. I got on my knees and prayed. When I stood up to sing the hymns, there in front of me was the biggest woman I had ever seen. Her dress was stuck in her butt-crack, so being the gentleman I am, I reached over and pulled it out for her. She did not like that, so she hit me." The guys laughed and ribbed him about it all day.

The next week he showed up to work and his face was beat bad! Again the guys asked him what had happened and he told them he'd got beaten up at church. Again they didn't believe him, so he explained, "I went to the church. I got on my knees and prayed. When I stood up to sing the hymns, there in front of me was that same big woman with her dress again stuck up her butt-crack."

At this point the other men interrupted and said, "Please tell us you didn't pull her dress out of her crack again?"

"No, the guy standing beside me did, and I knew she didn't like that, so I shoved it back in."
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Blonde in a Circle

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a large truck. The driver was outraged and was eventually able to make her pull over.

He got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde in his most threatening voice, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.

When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!"

He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.

When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.

Now he's getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.

Now she's laughing.

The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets an extra can of diesel fuel, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.

He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.

She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"
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Blondes Dept

The Blondes at the university were tired of not fitting in. They were tired of other students assuming they were just stupid bimbos. They wanted somewhere where they felt they belonged.

So they pressured the administration to set up a new Department especially for them. The university agreed, and set up the Blonde Education Department.

The Blondes were ecstatic to have a department of their own where they could gather without being ridiculed. They felt they really belonged now.

They wanted other students to see that they weren't just stupid bimbos -- after all, they now had their own department at the university.

So they now all proudly wear the official sweatshirt of the Blonde Education Department, which sports the saying: "I Belong in B.E.D."
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Ralph works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling
and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too
hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Ralph! How ya'
doin"? His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Ralph. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Ralph if he'd like his usual and
brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable
and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have
Bud at the end of the 1st nine, Honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around
Ralph, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Ralphy. Want
your usual table dance, big boy?"

Ralph's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Ralph follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the
door, he jumps in beside her. Ralph tries desperately to explain how the
stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having
none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four
letter word in the book. The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez Ralph,
you picked up a real b~itch this time."
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Sunday School Sally

Little Sally was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she
slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she
was napping, "Tell me, Sally, who created the universe?"

When Sally didn't stir, little Jason, an altruistic boy seated in the
chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Sally and the teacher said, "Very good" and
Sally fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Sally, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"

Sally didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Jason came to the
rescue and stuck her again.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Sally and the teacher said, "Very good," and
Sally promptly fell back asleep.

Once again the teacher called upon Sally and asked a third question.

"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

And again, Jason jabbed her with the pin.

This time Sally jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing
in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The teacher fainted.
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A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator
and looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing
next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down
and says:
"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20-inch private, 3-pound left testicle, 3-pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.
The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice, the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured
I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.

I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a
20-inch private part, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle
weighs 3 pounds, and MY NAME IS TURNER BROWN."

The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!...Oh My God !
I thought you said, 'TURN AROUND!"
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Newlyweds..!!!!

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.
The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on
the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the
refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12
different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India,etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
think of saying was, "Yes, lollipop...but at the bar...you know...they
have frozen glasses."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by
saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppyface?" She took a huge beer mug out
of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar
they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious.
I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5
dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: Chicken wings, pigs in blankets,
mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing,
dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, cutie pie?...

"LISTEN UP, D ICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR F UCKING BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG
AND EAT YOUR MOTHER-F UCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, & YOU
AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"

...and, they lived happily ever after,
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Wal-Mart has EVERYTHING!

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind
him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do
about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars....A lot cheaper than a
doctor." So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to
Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample.
He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the
computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in
warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new tchnology was, Joe
began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap
water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and
daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to
Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours
in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints...:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.
____________________________________________________

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," she replied.

"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

"I outlived the b itches."
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HOPE YOU HAD A REAL LAUGH

BYE - Imtiyaz G

Answer 2

There was a boy and a mother at a temple. The boy said "Mommy, I need to pee." The mother thought that word wasn't nice to say at the temple, so she told her son to say whisper instead of pee. The next day the boy went with his father. The boy said " I need to whisper" and the dad said " Go ahead, you can do that in my ear."

Answer 3

if you are an American In the living room what r u in the bathroom


A: European

Answer 4

come closer to me feel my temperature forget about watching it will get finished be here with me im infinite

Answer 5

MAN, YOU THINK YOU'VE GOT PROBLEMS,BUT SAME HERE,I SHOULD'VE WATCH "BORAT",BUT IT STRTED TO RAIN........

Answer 6

I was at the ATM the other day...and an old lady asked me to check her balance......



So I pushed her over!!!......

Answer 7

Please. Do read the "blond jokes" --- they are so funny,
even a dead person in the graveyard would laugh out loud !!!

Aaron.

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PS Do please read "Yo Mama"-jokes --- they are something.