Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

"Just lie down on the couch."
"Which one?"

2006-12-01 06:54:25 · 14 answers · asked by ~ 3

Bill and Diane were in a terrible accident and Diane's face was severely burned.
The doctor told Bill that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.
So Bill offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at Diane's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day they were enjoying a quiet moment together when Diane was overcome with emotion at Bill's sacrifice.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," Bill replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

2006-12-01 06:54:22 · 13 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

Paddy O'doors

2006-12-01 06:54:04 · 7 answers · asked by Sir Sidney Snot 6

A man goes into a brothel and says to the Madam, "I've only got a fiver so what can I have?"
She shows him to a room with a pig in the bed. He thinks 'oh well, it's not bad for a fiver' and sets about it with the pig.

The next week he goes back and says, "I'm a bit better off this week, I've got a tenner so what can I have?"
She shows him to another room full of other men all looking through holes in the wall. He sits down and takes a look. There is two men in there in bed together. The man turns to the bloke next to him and says, "This isn't my type of thing is it yours?"
The other bloke says,"No not really, but it was worse last week. There was a bloke in there shagging a pig!"

2006-12-01 06:46:07 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A classroom full of kids were asked by the teacher to create a sentence with the word contagious in it.
Little Donna says "people who are ill may have a contagious disease and are kept seperated from other patients"
'very good' says the teacher.
Little Billy says"huh! thats nothin', me and my dad were walking in the park and saw a painter painting a rail fence with a 1" paintbrush and my dad said f*** me its going to take that contagious to finish that fence'

2006-12-01 06:45:59 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sorry about my last lame joke.. lol..

What do you think..?

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get £400 a night for what I give you for free!

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.

The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on £800 a year!'

2006-12-01 06:44:20 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Irish Water polo team had to go home after their horses drowned!

2006-12-01 06:41:42 · 13 answers · asked by Sir Sidney Snot 6

"A thief just ran off with my wallet," yelled the champion runner.
"Couldn't you catch him?" asked a bystander.
"Sure, I even took the lead, but when I looked back, he was gone!

P.S. Did you laugh?:-)

2006-12-01 06:39:11 · 12 answers · asked by ~ 3

ghost
ghost
ghost
ghost
ghost
what do you put in a toaster?
come on know be honest how many of you said toast?
the answer is bread.

2006-12-01 06:31:12 · 26 answers · asked by Hunny Bun... 3

I thought of this earlier.. I posted it but it actually got deleted for some reason.. I got a violation = Community guidlines.. o_O

So tell me what you think..



knock knock..

Who's there..?

Yah..

2006-12-01 06:27:11 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. However, they decided to go to a party instead and they didn't get any studying done.
When they went to the test, they decided to tell the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study.
The professor told them that they could have another day to study.
That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything.
Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to separate classrooms to take the exam. Each shrugged and went to two different parts of the building.
As each sat down, they read the first question.
"For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom."
At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease.
Then, the test continued... "For 95 points, tell me which tire it was."

2006-12-01 06:22:27 · 11 answers · asked by pooterosa 5

The male teacher in a girls' school asked the science class: "Who can tell me what organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated? Mary, can you tell me?"
Mary blushed furiously as she stood up. She said: "Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal." The male teacher was taken aback at first by Mary's reaction. Then, as understanding dawned on him, he called for another pupil, this time a volunteer.
Lily put up her hand. "Yes, Lily?"
"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the eye."
"Very good. Thanks, Lily," said the male teacher. He then turned to the 1st girl, who threatened to complain to her parents and principal: "Well, Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: First, you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And thirdly, I fear, one day, you are going to be sadly disappointed."

2006-12-01 06:20:21 · 6 answers · asked by pooterosa 5

Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide. One says to the other, "I'm sorry - I was looking for my wife." "What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate." "Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?" "She's tall, with long hair, long legs, firm boobs and a tight ***. What's your wife look like?" "Never mind, let's look for yours!"

2006-12-01 06:18:18 · 10 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

One day a man, was sitting feeling sorry for himself & getting rather jealous of his wife.
He being a Christain man, started to pray to God..
and he prayed, "Lord, why cant I have it easy as my wife does?"
She stays home all day, cleans a bit, watches our kids play, while I have to work So hard at work, finance, being a husband ect.
Its not fair, I wish I wasnt a man!o that evening, the Lord answered the mans prayer.The next morning the man awoke to find he was a woman.
He was so happy he jumped out of bed and squeezed his wife-who had turned into a man.
Falling to his knees, he thanked the God for blessing and making
his wife the man, instead.
A week went by, then the Changed man, started calling out to God once more, "Oh, Dear God...Being a woman is Way too hard, Ive gone through so much, the kids are something else, the house chores never end, while my changed wife does nothing! God answered, "I will change you back, but you have to wait 9 months".. Because youre pregnant

2006-12-01 06:16:16 · 6 answers · asked by Such A Chicka 3

Big personal overhead protectors
Wide brimmed hats (8)
S - - - - - N -

Feel furious having article on view
Inwardly boil (6)
E - Y - - -

Reputed to be volatile, actualy burst out dangerously
Spewed out (7)
E - D - - - -

2006-12-01 06:01:03 · 5 answers · asked by england til i die 3

Underlay Underlay

2006-12-01 05:57:36 · 12 answers · asked by Grumpy 2

A guy was born with three testicles but this gave him a complex. When he was older he went to see the Doc and talk over his 'problem'. The Doc told him not to worry as he is a man in a million. A few years later he went horse racing with a group of friends, but he had a disasterous day. No money left, save for a pound in his pocket. He goes over to the bookie and says "what odds will you give me that we have five testicles between us?" the bookie says 'i'll give you 10,000/1'. He accepts, so they go round the back of the booth whereby the bookie drops his trousers and says 'right here's my one, where's your four?'

2006-12-01 05:57:02 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is a scavenger hunt riddle, to find a blue egg.

2006-12-01 05:55:17 · 1 answers · asked by jordan_lw 1

why does one side of your nose block when you lie down and then you change sides and the other one blocks when you have a cold?

2006-12-01 05:54:54 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-01 05:51:13 · 2 answers · asked by johnjd_cmu 4

does anyone have some good jokes i would like to hear them because i need to laugh!!

2006-12-01 05:49:12 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

any1 have any little johnny jokes???

2006-12-01 05:48:50 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

The farmer and his wife had worked hard, they scrimped and saved to send their son to college. As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large mustache and sideburns. Being pleased with his new hirsute adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents.

On the back of the photo he scrawled, "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?"

Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!"

2006-12-01 05:44:21 · 6 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

what will happen when mailka serawat and salman khan will marry,

2006-12-01 05:35:07 · 7 answers · asked by manoj 1

There are two villages,
1. Village A
2 Villages B

You are traveling to Village A

People live in Village A always tell Truth.
People live in Village B always tell Lie.

There is forest between two villages, and you have lost your way,
You meet a person in middle of forest but you don’t which village he belongs to...

What will be the only one question you will ask to find your way to Village A??

2006-12-01 05:34:24 · 12 answers · asked by prem 2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_1rdLl3-l8

In this martial art demonstration 2 girls (about 110-130 pounds) jump on a guys stomach from a chair.

How can he take that?

Thanks

2006-12-01 05:26:44 · 7 answers · asked by gogogo 1

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman.
"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are going to **** when you hear the price."

2006-12-01 05:24:35 · 6 answers · asked by bbwandsingle1980 3

This man had been having a few beers down at the neighbourhood bar. It was dark out and he was walking home by a park when nature called so he stepped behind a hedge to relieve himself. To his and their surprise a couple were going at it on the grass and he almost stepped on them. The guy got up and took off running.

The man could see the naked outline of the gals bare legs as she continued to lie there while he relieved himself. He could feel his interest grow as he finished. Without a word he got down on his knees between her legs and took advantage of the situation. She embraced him and showed her willingness.

Just as they were both getting into it hot and heavy a cop walked by and shined his flashlight on them saying, “What the hell do you think your doing, this is a public park.”

The man said, “But officer this is my wife.”

The officer said, “Oh, I didn’t know she was your wife.”

The man said, “Neither did I ’till you shined your light on her.”

2006-12-01 05:24:23 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

it is a sweet or chocolate-"gentler than a shock" .

2006-12-01 05:24:23 · 5 answers · asked by liam h 2

Guy goes bear hunting for the first time. He gets up at the crack of dawn and is looking over the bear trail and sure enough, the sun comes up and he sees this bear

. He squeezes off a round. Dirt flies. A twig falls off a tree and stuff like that. He goes running down the hill, looking all over the place, but he can't find the bear anywhere. Next thing he knows, he feels a tap on his shoulder and behind him is the bear.

The bear looks at him and says "You're new here, aren't you pal? Well we have some rules here. One of them is that if you shoot at me and miss, I get to make love to you." The bear bends the Guy over and the bear has his way with him.

The Guy is furious and humiliated, not to mention his *** hurts. So he goes to the gun shop and gets the best bear gun money can buy. He adds a scope and a clip of bullets and goes back to the hill and sees the bear the next morning. He shoots -- boom, boom, boom. Small trees are falling over. Rocks are flying. He walks down to the bottom of the hill, but he can't see the bear. He feels a tap on his shoulder and it's the bear. The bear says, "Oh you're back! Well, you know the routine." Boom. Bear does it to him again.

Now the Guy is livid. He drives back to the gun store and gets a 50 caliber machine gun. He sets the machine gun up with a laser scope and goes back out to the forest.

He spends all night up on the hill waiting for the bear to show up. Just after the crack of dawn, the bear comes down the hill into range and he pulls the trigger and lets the lead fly. Trees are falling over, logs are splintering and tracers are boouncing everywhere. Finally the dust from the carnge is so bad he scene is obliterated. The Guy tiptoes down the hill looking for the bear. He can't find a trace of the bear anywhere.

Sure enough the bear taps him on the shoulder and says, "Hey Pal, are you sure you're here for the hunting?"

2006-12-01 05:22:47 · 7 answers · asked by bbwandsingle1980 3