Please send through all your good jokes... havin a c.rap day at work and need a good laugh.
2006-12-05 19:01:29 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
A Cardinal of the Church dies and goes to Heaven. An angel is giving him the the grand tour and a soul goes by draped in gold trimmed pure white robe with cheribim throwing rose pedals in his path as he ascends the gold inlayed white marble steps to his massive white marble mansion. The Cardinal asks the angel who that is and the angel says, "Oh, he's a lawyer.". The Cardinal thinks, "Wow, if that is what a lawyer gets, I can imagine what I, a Cardinal of the Church, will get". They continue on the tour and enter a huge building with a 200 foot high arched enterance way and the hall equally as impressive stretches forever. After walking for miles down the hall they take a left into another hall with 100 ft. high ceilings and walk again, coming to another turn into a hall with 50 ft. ceilings. this goes on an on with each turn the hall becomes smaller and narrower until finally they are going down a hall so narrow they have to walk single file and duck into doorways to let others pass. They come to a rough hewn wooden door, the angel opens it and inside there is a small straw cot, a basin and pitcher and a small window that looks out over nothing special. The angel says, "This is where you will reside for eternity in Heaven.". The Cardinal is totally taken aback by this and blusters out, "I'm a Cardinal of the Church and THIS is all I get, why did the lawyer get so much?" The angel says, " Cardinals are a dime a dozen, he's the only lawyer we got.".
2006-12-06 09:24:36 · answer #1 · answered by iknowtruthismine 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
add details , what kind of jokes?
did you hear the joke about the deaf guy?
dont feel bad , he didnt either......
Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the hell out of the dog
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove
a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the
exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation
"I now pronounce you man and wife".
Q: What do Kodak cameras have in common with condoms?
A: Both capture the moment.
Three men were drinking at a bar -- a doctor, an attorney
and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, "For
her birthday, I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring.
This way, if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me
because she got a diamond ring."
As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, "For my wife's
birthday, I'm going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet.
This way, if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because
she got the gold bracelet."
As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, "I'm going to
buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way, if she doesn't like
the T-shirt she can go **** herself!"
Good:
The postman's early
Bad:
He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Worse:
You gave him nothing for Christmas
2006-12-06 03:03:59 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
YES WANT A DIRTY ONE A BOY FELL IN THE MUD IF YOU GO AND ANSWER MY ? ABOUT THE RIDDLE IN MY PROFILE UNDER MY ? I WILL GIVE YOU A WHOLE CRAP LOAD OF JOKES THAT ARE FUNNY
JUST TO SHOW I AM SERIOUS HERE YOU GO
A WOMEN goes into Wal-Mart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work.
The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming!
"GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!
The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager. The manager comes up to the Woman and asks, "What's wrong?" !
She explains the situation with the toaster.
He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming,
"GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"
In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are saying you that?"
In a huff, the woman says,
"BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED
A gay man named Roger goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says "Roger, I am not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS." Roger is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
The doctor says "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of All Bran cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice." Roger asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your as*hole is for."
JOKE 2
Mum walked into the bathroom one day & found young Johnny furiously scrubbing his penis with a toothbrush and toothpaste. "What the hell do you think you're doing, young man!" she exclaimed. "Don't try to stop me!" Johnny warned. "I'm gonna do this three times a day, because there's no way I'm gonna get a cavity that looks and smells as bad as my sister's."
One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"
"No, I don't," said the little boy.
"OK, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."
Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ***!"
2006-12-06 03:04:38 · answer #3 · answered by ertw t 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Two physicians board a flight out of Seattle. One sits in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a lawyer sits in the seat by the aisle.
The lawyer kicks off his shoes, wiggle his toes, and starts to settle in, when the physician in the window seat says, "I think I'll get a glass of coke."
"No problem," says the lawyer, "I'm by the aisle. I'll get it for you."
While he's gone, one of the physicians picks up the attorney's shoe & spits in it.
When he returns with the coke, the other physician says,
"That looks good! I think I'll have one too."
Again, the lawyer obligingly fetches the drink.
While he's gone, the other physician picks up the other shoe & spits in it.
The lawyer comes back & enjoys the flight.
However, as the plane is landing, the lawyer slips his feet into
his shoes& realizes immediately what has happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asks the physicians.
"This fighting between our professions?”
“This hatred?”
“This animosity?”
“This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
2006-12-06 03:08:10 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
How about this one:-
A flat-chested woman was delighted when her Fairy Godmother said her breasts would increase in size each time a man said, "Pardon," to her.
She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man and he said, "Pardon me." Her breasts instantly grew an inch and she was ecstatic. The next day she bumped into a man in the grocery store, he begged her pardon and another inch was added to her breasts. She was in seventh heaven! She walked into a Chinese restaurant, collided with a waiter who bowed and said, "hundreds of pardons for my clumsy behavior."
The next day the headline in the local newspaper said, "Chinese Waiter Crushed by Two Torpedoes!"
2006-12-06 03:03:59 · answer #5 · answered by Pd 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
there are 2 blondes they are on opposites side of the lake. One blonde yells over to the other blonde ... "How do I get to the other side", the other blonde replies back, " you are on the other side", as she bobs her head side to side!
How do you get a blonde to drown herself?
You put a scatch and sniff at the bottom of the pool and tell her to go smell it!
What do women do with their azzholes every morning?
They give them a cup of coffee and tell them to have a nice day!
2006-12-06 03:05:24 · answer #6 · answered by MagikButterfly 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
How many drama queens does it take to change a lightbulb?
HOW THE FECK SHOULD I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!! (Flipping the hair and haughty look)
Actually, this works better when told face-to-face.
2006-12-06 03:29:53 · answer #7 · answered by Orla C 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
When the snakes were leaving the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply..The snakes said "we can't we are adders"
2006-12-06 03:07:43 · answer #8 · answered by jst4pat 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Did you hear about the constipated Spanish dancer?
He couldn't pasadoble!
2006-12-06 03:06:09 · answer #9 · answered by Scotty 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What do you do if you see a space man?
Park your car in it man!
(Sorry, was told that by a 5 year old, lol)
2006-12-06 06:04:44 · answer #10 · answered by ? 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋