Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

Why was 6 scared of 7 ?



Cos 7 ate 9.

2006-12-06 03:17:54 · 16 answers · asked by pinklady 2

The Women escape from jail.. a blonde, a red head, and a brunette... the girls are looking for somewhere to hideout, they see three potatoe bags so they get inside of them.... the police come and they see the bags, the first police kicks the bag with the brunette in it she begins to make noises like a cat so the police thinks its a cat.. the second police kicks the bag with the red hed in it, she begins to bark like a dog so the police thinks it's a dog.. finally, the third police kicks the bag with the blonde in it and she says " POTATOES"

2006-12-06 03:17:03 · 22 answers · asked by Yung Prince 2

Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers. "Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"
"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.
Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?"
The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading.
Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before.
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was 'KATZ'?"

2006-12-06 03:16:30 · 16 answers · asked by Pd 6

Hello peeps can you guys tell me all the "little johnny" jokes you know i love them or any really funny one will be much appriciated thx ;]

2006-12-06 03:13:57 · 6 answers · asked by Spot ♥'s Fall Out Boy 3

a man walks into a bar and sees Celine Dion sitting at a table..he walks over to her and says "Celine, why the long face'?

2006-12-06 03:08:15 · 21 answers · asked by CaptCanuck23 2

A teacher asks her class. “3 crows are sitting on a fence and the farmer shoots one, how many are left?”

“Please Miss” says little Johnny, “none”.

“Why do you say that?” asks the teacher.

“ Because if the farmer shot one then the other 2 would fly away”

“Well” says teacher, “the answer I was looking for was 2, but I like the way you’re thinking”.

“Please Miss” says little Johnny, “Can I ask you a question?”

“Of course” says his teacher.

“3 Women are eating a banana. One of them is licking it, one is biting it and one is sucking it. Which one is married?”

“Well” says the teacher, slightly embarrassed. “I would have to say the one who is sucking it”

“No Miss” says little Johnny. “It’s the one wearing the wedding ring. But I like the way you’re thinking”

2006-12-06 03:08:09 · 24 answers · asked by leedsmikey 6

a man walks ibto a bar and sees Celine Dion sitting at a table..he walks over to her and says "Cleine, why the long face'?

2006-12-06 03:06:32 · 8 answers · asked by CaptCanuck23 2

A question to our Scottish friends.
Is it true that Paul McCartney never visits the
Scottish highlands now,due to the fact that...................he cannae stand the heather !

2006-12-06 03:05:50 · 12 answers · asked by composepro 2

Old Lady Driving on Highway Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" Ma'am," the officer replies, you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks. Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

2006-12-06 03:05:14 · 37 answers · asked by anitha 4

Is the Geico lizard really British? And if so, what comment on the people of England is Geico trying to broadcast?

Is it that that company sees the Brit’s as beings of superior intelligence and great communicators? Or, is this a conspiracy to convey that they are reptilian in nature and thus of a lower life form?

2006-12-06 03:02:38 · 5 answers · asked by Dog Lover 7

2006-12-06 03:01:18 · 41 answers · asked by weeman_riley 1

One summer, a few years ago, a middle age French-Canadian man named
Jacques decided to go for a vacation on the coast of Maine. While soaking
up
some
sun on the beach, a very pretty girl caught his eye and his sexual
desires. He immediately got up, ran to her, grabbed her by the hand and
brought her to his hotel room. There he had sex with her and then sent
the young lady on her way. She immediately reported this to the police
and Jacques was arrested.

On his court date the judge asked him if he understood the nature of the
crime he committed against the young lady. Jacques looked at the judge
with a bewildered look and said "Non!! Hi don't understand! Hin my
country you grab de pretty girl, bring her to de hotel room, BOOM-BOOM,
give hit to her den let her go! Hit's O.K.!!!"

"Sir", the judge said, in THIS country if you are to have sex with a
lady, you must have her permission first, or it is considered rape. You
must have her consent!"

After hearing this, Jacques turned around and mysteriously looked at the
judge and exclaimed, "CUNSCENT!!! Hi got her cunscent!!! Hi got her
cunscent on my fingers, cunscent on my mustache, hi got her cunscent
everywhere!!!

2006-12-06 02:59:32 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old geezer goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor, I've got this problem, you see, only you've got to promise not to laugh".
The doctor replies,"Of course I won't laugh, that would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over twenty years of being a doctor I've never laughed at a patient".
"OK then," says the old geezer, and he drops his trousers.
The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest p--is he has ever seen in his life. Unable to control himself, he falls about laughing on the floor. Ten minutes later he is able to struggle up to his feet and wipe the tears from his eyes.
"I'm so sorry," he says to the patient, "I don't know what came over me, I won't let it happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
The old geezer looks up at the doctor sadly and says, "It's swollen."

2006-12-06 02:57:46 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

Irishman goes on Who Wants To Be a Millionaire and soon gets stuck. So Chris asks him if he wants to Ask The Audience, Go 50/50 or Phone a Friend.
"I'll phone a friend" says Murphy. So he phones Paddy.
"Hello Paddy, it's Murphy here on Who Wants To Be a Millionaire and I've got a question for you".
"Go ahead" says Paddy
"Should I go 50/50 or ask the audience?"

2006-12-06 02:41:53 · 16 answers · asked by leedsmikey 6

if brains was a disease
how much of the population would be healthy

2006-12-06 02:40:19 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Walked into B&Q at lunchtime and some old git dressed in orange asked me if I wanted decking.

Fortunately I got the first punch in so that was the end of that.

2006-12-06 02:35:21 · 26 answers · asked by HOOPS 7

2006-12-06 02:26:45 · 51 answers · asked by bluenickynick 2

i took an IQ test once
the results
all came back negative





i used to think i was indecisive but now i am not sure




a clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory

2006-12-06 02:24:56 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Two stupid people who never saw a football (or soccer)game, has come to watch a football match!! they came in exact time and sat down like regular people in the audienc area!

when the match begun, they watch the match carefully, they didn't understood any thing but they enjoyed it!!
Half time is over!
When the Match begun again after the half time, one of them said:
"i Guess this is where we started, we can go now"

2. A principle just called his student to write him a BIG(!)letter!!

The principle was reading the lines for him and the student was writing it!!
when it has been done, the principle said: "did u missed ne line?"
"yes, between 'dear parker' and 'sincierly yours'."

3. A guy was reading a line in the magazine.

"do u know that 85% women in the world marries people just for wealth, not for real love"
his girlfriend was with him! then the guy sez: "will u marry me in feature in real love?"
"Dontr b silly, i will nevr marry u 4 all the money in the earth!"

2006-12-06 02:23:19 · 5 answers · asked by Annoymous 3

if practice makes perfect and nobodys perfect


why practice

2006-12-06 02:20:28 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Then how long would it take 8 men to dig half a hole ?

2006-12-06 02:15:40 · 10 answers · asked by Derek M 2

Every noticed how the genie always grants three wishes - why 3 ?

2006-12-06 02:14:42 · 15 answers · asked by GEBW 1

if quitters never WIN and winners never QUIT


what idiot came up with


QUIT WHILE YOUR AHEAD

2006-12-06 02:14:23 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-06 02:08:31 · 7 answers · asked by diamondg4u2c 3

2006-12-06 02:05:19 · 22 answers · asked by diamondg4u2c 3

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Middlesbrough in the early hours of Thursday with its epicentre in the Town.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Yerfuckinjokinaren'tya".

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.

Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.

TFM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Middlesbrough.

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning."

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.


HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.

Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:

Fila or Burberry baseball caps

Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)

Shell suits (female)



White sport socks

Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.


Required foodstuffs include:

Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.

£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.

£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

2006-12-06 02:03:48 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

---->the answer is they both have wet nose<---- figure why..lol

2006-12-06 01:51:11 · 7 answers · asked by Jane 2

come on you peasants fight for yuor money come all u people that sell the big issue BULGARIA BULGARIA BULGARIA BULGARIA

2006-12-06 01:49:24 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

if you smile at a tramp, you run the risk of your teeth falling out?

2006-12-06 01:46:27 · 13 answers · asked by markhatter 6

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying -
Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."

2006-12-06 01:40:40 · 17 answers · asked by Rock 2