Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

2006-12-06 06:39:59 · 7 answers · asked by ? 4

anyone got a funny on-line test of some sort?

2006-12-06 06:39:32 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

It goes like this - You get on with your partner. There is anxious anticipation as you start. You start slowly, climbing your way to the top.
There are smiles exchanged, and giggles, maybe even caressing or hand holding. The excitement builds and builds. It nears the top. The expressions on faces become wondrous and excited. Then as it hits the pinnacle, things move very fast. There's a quick motion, the heart races with complete excitement; faces are all in total pleasure. Arms are flailing, heads are bouncing, and there is some noticeable screaming going on.
The rest of the ride is up and down, twisting and turning, lots of bumping, sometimes in the light, sometimes in the dark, sometimes there's a surprise, and sometimes it becomes all too familiar but always......always....at the end, there's a big smile on the face, hair is all messed up..... and everyone is talking about how great it is while some of them say, "I wanna go again

2006-12-06 06:36:48 · 10 answers · asked by Pd 6

Concerned about his failing manhood, a farmer went to the local doctor for help. The doctor gave him a small container of pills and told him to take no more than one a day.
Back home, the farmer thought he'd try the medication on his stud horse first. The horse swallowed the pill, jumped out of his stall, kicked a side of the barn over, and ran off down the road.
"Those pills are too strong for me," the farmer thought, and pour the rest into his well.
Later, when the doctor came to check on him, the farmer told how he had disposed of the medication.
"Heavens!" exclaimed the doctor. "You haven't drunk any of the well water, have you?"
No," said the farmer. "We can't get the pump handle down."

2006-12-06 06:33:24 · 22 answers · asked by Pd 6

I want jokes which are really funny as I have had a really bad day and need some laughter. Try not to use swearwords... too much.
Thanks.

2006-12-06 06:32:52 · 20 answers · asked by Gizmorat 1

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to
visit on his vacation.
He wrote:"I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-
groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to
keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been
operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a
dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls.
I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being
drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.
Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will
vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

2006-12-06 06:32:19 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good mo rning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...'' "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling -- I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.

2006-12-06 06:23:41 · 10 answers · asked by Orion M 3

The teacher of the school geography class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked:

"Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"

After a confused silence, little Johnny volunteered - "I guess you'd be eating alone!"

2006-12-06 06:20:41 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.

Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.

"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.

"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.

"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."

2006-12-06 06:16:37 · 19 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

This guy decides to join the Navy. On his first day of service, he gets aquatinted with all the facilities around the ship he will be serving on. The guy asks the sailor showing him around, "What do you guys do around here when you get really horny after months of being out at sea?", to which the other replies, "Well, there is this barrel on the upper deck, just pump your **** in the side with the hole."

Weeks pass, and the new guy is getting real horny and remembers the barrel. He climbs to upper deck and sees the barrel. Flings his shlong out and starts ******* the barrel. Its simply the best feeling he had ever experienced, it was truly a success!

After he was done, zipped up and merrily walking along, the guy who originally told him about the barrel walks by. "That barrel really was great! I could do it every day!"

To which the other crew member replies, "Yeah, you can every day except Thursday." Confused, the new guy asks why, to which the other guy replies, "Because its your turn in the barrel on Thursday."

2006-12-06 06:12:42 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem" says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"

2006-12-06 06:11:09 · 23 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Q. Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?

A. He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. How do you tease fruit?

A. Banananananananana

2006-12-06 06:10:45 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

2006-12-06 06:09:15 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

or your scariest,unforgetable,weirdest,painfulest,strangest,coolest,embarresing or any other funny one.

2006-12-06 06:04:45 · 5 answers · asked by ♥~miley~♥ 2

9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."

11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to
have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...
Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!

12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on
a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the
Captain was really having to fight it After an extremely hard
landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies
and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with
your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our
airplane to the gate!"

13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
bounces us to the terminal."

14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a
policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while
the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ
airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard
time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would
have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for
this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I
as you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight
Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your
seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a
screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has
cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and
you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get
the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized
metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

2006-12-06 05:57:04 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

a man walks into a stable and went ouch the door wasnt shut

2006-12-06 05:53:24 · 9 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Hey buster

2006-12-06 05:44:08 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

what can go up a chimney down
but can go down a chimney up?

2006-12-06 05:35:02 · 11 answers · asked by latinbabe 2

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate
Funeral.

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the
Casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the
Casket rolled inside.

The heart then closed, sealing the
Doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into
Laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm
Sorry, I was just thinking of my own
Funeral........


.I'm a gynecologist."







The proctologist fainted.

2006-12-06 05:31:48 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is walking down the beach and trips and falls. He gets up and looks for what he tripped over. He sees the top of a bottle and digs it out of the sand and cleans it off. Out pops a genie and gives him three wishes. He warns the guy that whatever he wishes for his ex-wife will get double the amount.

First he wishes for $1,000,000 dollars. Poof he gets his million and his ex gets two million.

Next he wishes for a huge mansion. Poof he gets the mansion and his ex gets two mansions.

He thinks long and hard about his third wish.

Then he tells the genie, "Genie, I wish for you to beat me half to death!"

2006-12-06 05:27:58 · 7 answers · asked by norman j 3

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing,"! he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

2006-12-06 05:26:30 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

What on earth!!!

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City
subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.
Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.
Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of
dollar bills and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.
The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other
passengers.
Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.
"What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank.
"You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze!!!"
Matt replies, "What...and we weren't?"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

May I take your order...

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the
wall:
$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!
When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant dung on rye.
She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all
hell breaks loose!
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to
the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, -
"You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first
time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"

2006-12-06 05:07:09 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ever heard one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love.'" Beep."

"Uh, yeah... hello... this is the VD clinic calling. Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."

2006-12-06 05:04:40 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man goes to Frederick's of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit. "This is $200," she says.
"I want one that's more sheer," says he. "This one is $350."
"I want it even more sheer than that."
"This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500."
"I'll take it!"
The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me."
His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he won't know the difference."
So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she asks.
"Damn, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the damn thing."

2006-12-06 05:01:56 · 13 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

Rocky the rooster was the toughest, meanest and most aggressive c*ck in the farmyard, always picking and hurting the other animals and generally kicking the cr*p out of them. One day Rocky decided to give the cat what for and had the cr*p duly kicked out of him.
The moral of this story is, no matter how big the c*ck, the p*ssy can always take it!!!!!!

2006-12-06 04:53:21 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed
his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your trousers." she said.
"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm
the man who wears the pants in this family."
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his
kneecaps.
"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"
She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay
until your attitude changes

2006-12-06 04:50:48 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

--What's the difference between an accident and a calamity?



==It's an accident when a bus full of lawyers plunges off the road into a river. It's a calamity if they can swim

who thought that was funny, i heard it earlier today

2006-12-06 04:42:29 · 7 answers · asked by samantha 2

http://deathball.net/notpron/

2006-12-06 04:39:19 · 5 answers · asked by Joseph C 1

A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small step ladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.

"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"

Surprised-and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.

"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."

Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump!"

ebaumsworld.com

2006-12-06 04:38:38 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-06 04:38:15 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous