Tell me the funniest joke you have ever heard?

Question

I want jokes which are really funny as I have had a really bad day and need some laughter. Try not to use swearwords... too much.
Thanks.

Answer 1

A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course you may. What can I do for you?"

"Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid that they'll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, "God bless you, Father, go ahead."

Answer 2

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it
What's the difference between roast beef & pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef
How do crazy people go thru the forest?
They take the psycho path
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes - whack! dang!
A bad skydiver goes - dang! whack!
How is a Texas tornado and an Alabama divorce the same?
No matter what happens, somebody is bond to lose a trailor!

Answer 3

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.
But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FU*KING DISHES"

Answer 4

that you all... that was funny.
My favorite is from Adeline:
A blonde desperately needed some money, so she decided to kidnap someone. So she went to the park and she grabbed this kid.

Then she wrote a note saying, "If you ever want to see your child again, leave 10,000 dollars in a paper bag in the northwest corner of the park." then she signed it 'THE BLONDE' and told the kid to give it to his mom.

The next day she went to the northwest corner of the park and got the paper bag. It had the money in it and a note from the mother that said, "How could you do this to another blonde?"

Answer 5

well I would´t say it´s the best joke I have ever heard, just that when my son was younger, he came back from school with his trouser´s all ripped, and looked like he´d been pulled throw a hedge backward´s , and said hello mummy , what do you call a giraffe without a head , answer, A lonely body

Answer 6

Three wise men go to visit a baby in a stable. As one man enters, he hits his head on the door frame and shouts "Jesus Christ!". Mary turns to Joseph and says "Quick! Write that down! It's better than Clyde!"

Answer 7

A priest, a minister and a rabbi go fishing together. They are in a boat about 100 yards off shore. None of them can swim. The priest opens his bait box and realizes he forgot he favorite lore on shore. He jumps off the side of the boat, walks on top of the water to shore, grabs his lore and walks back. When they stop for lunch, the minister realizes he forgot his lunch on shore. He jumps off the side of the boat, walks on water to shore, grabs his lunch and walks back.

The rabbi jumps up and says, "That's it. I believe in Jesus! I want to walk on water!" He jumps off the front of the boat and drowns.

The minister looks at the priest and says "Think we should have told him where the rocks are?"

Answer 8

1. Three men walk into a bar.


The fourth one ducks.

2. I don't know if you will like this. But, I thought it was hilarious!!

Three men were taking a trip on a plane. When they get on the pilot tells the passengers not to throw anything out of the windows. The plane lifts off and they're on their way. On the plane the first man finds a pencil and wondering what to do with it. He is told by one of the other men to throw it out the window, so he does. Then the second guy finished his apple and wondering how to get rid of the core. He asks the other two men, they tell him to throw it out the window, so he does. Next the third man finds a grenade! Panicking he throws it out the window.

After the plane had landed the three men were walking down the street when they came across a guy holding his eye. The three men asked him what happened, he said he had looked up in the sky and a pencil fell and hit him in the eye. So the three men continued down the street and they come across a man holding his head, the three ask him what's wrong? The man says that he was walking down the street and an apple core fell on his head! Feeling a little strange the men continue down the street when they come across a man holding his stomach lauging his head off! The three ask him what's so funny? The man replies, I farted and that building exploded!

3.Lenny went on vacation and asked Bobby to watch over his house. About a week later, Lenny calls home and asked "How's my cat?".

Bobby hesitated and sadly told Lenny his cat died.

"What?! You shouldn't have broke the news to me like that! You should have done it slowly. The first time I called, you should have told me he was on the roof. The second time I called, you should have said there was no way to get him down. The third time I called, you should have told me that you tried to get her off the roof, but she fell down and died," explained Lenny.

Bobby apologized and went about his day.

About a week later, Lenny called again and asked "How's my Granny?".

There was a long silence and then Bobby replied. "Well, she's on the roof."

4.Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking ... and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away ... Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ...?"

5. A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh ... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

6. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded on a desert island. They find a genie's lamp and agree they'll each get one wish.

The brunette and the redhead both wish they were at home.

The blonde then says, "Gee, I'm kinda lonely ... I wish my friends were here ... "

7. A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

8. A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette went into a farm to steal chickens. The police were nearby and they heard them and came in. The girls quickly jumped into three potato sacks so they wouldn't be seen.

One policeman kicked the sack with the redhead, and she said "meow" pretending to be a cat.

He kicked the second one with the brunette, and she said "ruff", pretending to be a dog.

When he kicked the third sack with the blonde, she said "potatoes".

9. A blonde desperately needed some money, so she decided to kidnap someone. So she went to the park and she grabbed this kid.

Then she wrote a note saying, "If you ever want to see your child again, leave 10,000 dollars in a paper bag in the northwest corner of the park." then she signed it 'THE BLONDE' and told the kid to give it to his mom.

The next day she went to the northwest corner of the park and got the paper bag. It had the money in it and a note from the mother that said, "How could you do this to another blonde?"

Hope you like them.

Happy Holidays.

Answer 9

The funniest I think of at the moment and it is seasonal.
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper - he sold his soul to Santa!

Answer 10

Two Nuns were travelling along in a car when a vampire lands on the boot.
"Quick Sister!" says the first Nun, "Show him your cross!"
The second Nun stuck her head out of the car and yelled, "HEY YOU! GET OF THE DAMN CAR! ITS NEW!"