Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

2006-12-06 12:51:45 · 10 answers · asked by Kr3wKid 1

You are walking in the middle of a blizzard. After a half hour, you finally spot a cabin and rush in. Inside, you spot a stove, a lantern, and a fireplace. You reach into your pocket and discover that you only have one match left. What do you light first?

2006-12-06 12:50:55 · 19 answers · asked by Dynamite 4

can you answer this?

2006-12-06 12:43:27 · 8 answers · asked by jessekg014 1

2006-12-06 12:35:07 · 5 answers · asked by Singletary 2

A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband has a massive crush on Brigitte Bardot and ignores her completely. To win back his attentions, she goes to a tattooist to have the letters 'BB' tattooed on her breasts. The tattooist warns her that age and gravity will probably make this unattractive later in life, and suggests she have the tattoo on her ar*e instead. She agrees, and bends over to receive a 'B' on each buttock. When her husband gets home from wok that night, she greets him by turning around, bending over and lifting her dress to expose the artwork. "What do you think?" says the wife,
"Who the hell's Bob?" asks her husband. :)

2006-12-06 12:27:42 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

I son't have that many comebacks to use on people when they do comebacks on me. Can anyone give me some comebacks/disses?

2006-12-06 12:15:45 · 12 answers · asked by Steve J 1

I think George W Bush should win.

2006-12-06 12:15:10 · 3 answers · asked by al p 3

does any one know any good jokes? i want to be able to tell some of my friends at school

2006-12-06 12:10:02 · 8 answers · asked by Rhiannon. Stay[[+]] 4

one of my friends called a few minutes ago and asked if he would go to hell if he hocked a lugie at the mall santa

2006-12-06 11:55:58 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

my dog walked up to my buddy's shoes and totally hosed 'em.
they were on the floor right in front of him!
I almost peed my filters!!!

2006-12-06 11:30:01 · 19 answers · asked by ferrari_83000 2

A couple wins a trip to an expensive golf resort. When they arrive, they decided to head straight to the front nine and get in a few holes in before dinner. As the man was getting ready to make his first drive on hole one, he stopped and looked down the fairway and all the way down on both sides were huge houses that had to be worth at least $500,000. He then looked at his wife and said, "Honey, Let's be real careful not to make any mistakes on this course. I would hate to pay for something around here. Some of these windows are probably worth more than my car"

The man then takes his first swing. SLICE!!!! The ball heads straight for a house and goes through the window. The man looks over at his wife and says, "Let's go see what the damage is"

They come up to the front door and ring the door bell. 1 large man opens the door and holds the golf ball up. "Is this yours", he said.

The husband apologizes and offers the man some money to pay for the window. The Large man says, that

2006-12-06 11:22:58 · 19 answers · asked by Star dust 4

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day my fiance's little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say

2006-12-06 11:20:47 · 41 answers · asked by Star dust 4

lyric to waht song???

2006-12-06 11:20:12 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

because Ken comes in his own box.


I laughed my *** off.

Gooooood stuff.

2006-12-06 11:19:34 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-06 11:18:33 · 13 answers · asked by Smartie 2

one day a scrap metal merchant goes to heaven, and St. Peter says to him
"Your name please?"
"Mike Henderson"
"Ok Mr. Henderson, before we let you in, we nede to know what you did on Earth?"
"I was a scrap Metal Merchant"
St.Peter flicks through his parchment and finds the name.
"Hey hang on a minute, you're not meant to be here until 2032."
"All the same, I'm here, would you mind letting me in?"
St Peter then says
"Hold on, I'll speak to the man in charge!"
When he comes back, the gates are gone!

2006-12-06 11:10:23 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day a guy with premature ejaculation problems went to a doctor. The doctor said, "Whenever you feel the urge to ejaculate, startle yourself." So he went out and bought a starter pistol.
When he got home, his wife was naked in bed, ready for him, so they got in the 69 position and started at it. Soon he felt the urge to shoot his load, so he fired the pistol.
The next day he went to the doctor. The doctor asked him how it went. He said, "Not too good. My wife bit off three inches of my dick, **** in my face, and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands up."

2006-12-06 11:09:56 · 9 answers · asked by Rock 2

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head
to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner
comes over and asks if he can help them.
Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat
cage up dere,"says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and
Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to
drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000' foot
drop and says "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out
of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom,
killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy
shakes his head and says "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n
dangerous for me!"
THERE'S MORE
Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's
been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff
carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot
from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom
and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says "And I'm never trying dat
parrotshooting either!"
IT IS NOT OVER YET
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two
friends when Sean Og appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is
carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean Og then hurls himself off the cliff and
disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was
Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting...
and now Sean Og and his fook'n hengliding!"

2006-12-06 11:06:26 · 17 answers · asked by Rock 2

What is the third? The word is something everyone uses everyday.

2006-12-06 11:05:58 · 24 answers · asked by Carl-N-Vicky S 4

Give the correct title for the following words and if u r the 1st one 2 get it right, i rate u as the best answer!!!!!!
the semi lyrics are as follows:
they see me rollin'
their hatin'
patrolin' tryin' to catch me________________

this is soooooooooooo easy so ANSWER ANSWER ANSWER!

2006-12-06 11:05:06 · 6 answers · asked by wendy 3

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the Pearly Gates", Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the Pearly Gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's underwear.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carols."

2006-12-06 10:59:32 · 8 answers · asked by Rock 2

Mr. Smith and his son are driving home in their car, they are in an accident. Mr. Smith is killed instently. His son is raced to the hospital and they take him in for surgery. The head surgen looks down and says; "I can't opperate on this boy. He is my son." How can that be?

2006-12-06 10:58:01 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

the begining of eternity. the end of time and space. the beggining of every end and the end of every place.

2006-12-06 10:57:43 · 10 answers · asked by AHHHH 2

While strolling past a pet shop, a cat notices a sign in the window: Help Wanted.

Knowing himself to be no ordinary feline, he saunters into the shop and calls out "Hello! I'd like to apply for the job."

The owner of the pet shop is very amused at the idea of a talking cat, and she wants to hear more, so she plays along, saying "Oh, I'm sorry, but this is a clerical job. We need someone who can type and file."

The cat hastens over to the office typewriter and, quick as a wink, he pounds out something about a quick brown fox and a lazy dog until he has filled a page. He grabs a stack of papers, alphabetizes them by subject matter, and puts them away in the file cabinet in less time than one would expect of a critter who lacks opposable thumbs.

The owner is charmed, but figures she can't possibly hire a cat, so she thinks of another excuse. "You type very nicely, and your filing is flawless, but this job demands computer literacy."

The cat immediately takes his place in front of the computer and, mouse in paw, cruises the Web, gathering useful information about increasing the profitability of pet shops (stopping briefly at Jumbo Joke to see the latest entry).

The owner is stunned. She has got to think of a tactful way to tell this cat that she isn't going to give him a job.

"Well, you're an amazing cat indeed. You type, you file, and you're a computer whiz. But we really, really must have someone who is bilingual."

The cat stares imploringly into the owner's eyes and says "Woof!"

2006-12-06 10:56:37 · 5 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

If I can't answer a riddle, I'll give you 10 points!!!

(must be a reasonable riddle. Not 'What was the donkey eating when it ran a mile on porcupines t days and a florg ago'

2006-12-06 10:34:28 · 9 answers · asked by Who says? 1

2006-12-06 10:28:04 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is greater than God, more evil than the devil, the poor have it, the rich need it, and if you eat it you'll die?
I was sent this via email and I can't figure out the answer.
Can you?

2006-12-06 10:24:12 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Here is a Trick Question ive known it for years and asked math teachers and almost everyone but the all say the don't know so lets see if you can answer it

Three guys spent all day at canton, ohio at the football hall of fame. Well the decided they wanted to crash becuase they were pretty tired. Well they went to a hotel but the hotel manager saidthere was one room left. Well they were so tired they just took the single room. sence the room was normally 40 bucks but he said they could have it for 30. well they went up there, not much longer the bell boy came up and gave them five dallors back sence they took the single room. well the couldnt divide five bucks between the three of them so they kept one each and gave the bell boy a 2 dallor tip. they all spent 9 dallors each and thats 27 bucks and gave 2 to the bell boy that makes 29. Where did thet 30th dallor go?

2006-12-06 10:16:56 · 22 answers · asked by LazY 2

recently submitted by mas.dawg under answer, and i thought it was hella funny....
A guy donated his blood to save his girlfriend's life. Two years later they broke up and the guy wanted his girlfriend to pay him back for his blood. The girlfriend reached in her pants and pull out her pad and gave it to her boyfriend telling him, i'll pay you monthly.....
(i thought it was funny enough to be posted on the main jokes forum instead of an answer)

2006-12-06 10:10:33 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison work.

I love this one! lol!

2006-12-06 10:01:17 · 20 answers · asked by Low profile 3