Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The small guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, gently slapping his face and shaking him, "Are you alright?"

In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say?"

The big dude says, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions almost everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around'.

2006-12-06 15:12:13 · 13 answers · asked by chris b 4

funny or not?

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's not there 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He says, "All I got is thirty". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?" "A hand job".

She runs back and tells the guy all the gets for thirty is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE penis. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back to Harry, and asks, "Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

2006-12-06 14:52:04 · 18 answers · asked by ♣valentine melons♣ 4

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid, " she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."

As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.

While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.

So, he dropped her.

As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.

"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.

He dropped her, too.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.

"hore!" he said, and dropped her.

2006-12-06 14:45:03 · 20 answers · asked by chris b 4

a porcupine has p.r.i.c.k.s on the out side!!!

2006-12-06 14:39:56 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-06 14:38:31 · 20 answers · asked by pepsi 2

Why does the nurse sometime slap your butt before an injection there? Has anybody experienced this? What'd you do after?

It kind of freaked me out.

2006-12-06 14:30:58 · 10 answers · asked by w0rd 1

So.... what exactly does Jesus do for Santa on his birthday?

2006-12-06 14:25:44 · 6 answers · asked by Bad Example 1

A butcher is 5 ft 10
So what does he weigh?

2006-12-06 14:23:13 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hey Doc!
Doctor, the embarrassed man said, 'I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.'

'Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.'

So, the worried fellow returned with his wife the following day. The doctor greeted the coupled and then said, 'Please remove your clothes, Mrs. Thomas.' The woman obliged and removed her clothing. 'Okay, now turn all the way around... Now, lie down please... Uh-huh, I see.

Alright, you can put your clothes back on.' While the woman was busy dressing herself again, the doctor took the husband aside. 'You're in perfect health,' he said to the man. 'Your wife didn't give me an erection either.'

2006-12-06 14:17:22 · 6 answers · asked by chris b 4

At a resort club in France, a romantic Frenchman spots an American lady tourist entering the dining section. He swiftly rushes to her assistance, with his usual charm and his obviously attractive dialect, "Bonjour, madamoiselle." "Bonjour!" She answers back, "Can you........?" and before she could finish her sentence, the Frenchman interrupts to say, "Anysing, yes I can, for you. Ma cherrie." He takes her hand, kisses her palm, licks her fingers romantically and then continues saying, "Just as beautiful and sweet as you are, your fingers are. What is this tasty lotion you use, ma cherrie? And if I may ask, what is this you wanted to be assisted in?"

The lady (at that time very impressed) answered, "I've just been changing my baby's diaper's, he has been suffering from serious diarrhea. So, I just wanted to know where I could wash my hands."

2006-12-06 14:13:33 · 9 answers · asked by bbwandsingle1980 3

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she had
selected the following items:
A half-gallon of 2% milk, A half carton of eggs, A quart of
orange juice, A small head of romaine lettuce, A 2-pound can of
coffee, And a 1-pound package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the
items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt an saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity got the better ofher, so she said
"You know what, you're absolutely right. How on earth did you
know that?"
The drunk replied,
“Cause you're ugly!

2006-12-06 14:10:01 · 8 answers · asked by Bad Example 1

there cheap,fast,an if the rubber brakes your dead!!!

2006-12-06 14:07:37 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-06 14:05:45 · 4 answers · asked by Jasmine C 1

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

2006-12-06 14:00:59 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled. "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "No... it's because you're 25."

2006-12-06 13:57:57 · 21 answers · asked by bbwandsingle1980 3

Find The Rabbit


The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!

2006-12-06 13:57:05 · 11 answers · asked by burnt bob 4

Speed Limit


An old man was driving down the Interstate at 22 miles per hour, never going faster or slower.

A police officer noticed and followed him for a while, then pulled him over.

Before the officer could even get to the car, the man was saying, 'I was not speeding, the speed limit is 22 miles per hour and that is exactly what I was doing, I was not speeding.'

The police officer said, 'I didn't pull you over for speeding, I pulled you over for going too slow.'

'But the sign says 22.'

The officer explained that he was on Interstate 22.

As the man shook his head, the officer noticed that there were three older ladies in the back of the car.

All of them were sitting with their mouths hanging open and spit drooling down the side. Their faces were very white and their hair was completely messy.

The police officer leaned toward the man and asked, 'What's wrong with them?'

'Well, we just came off Interstate 134.'

2006-12-06 13:50:36 · 14 answers · asked by burnt bob 4

Long arm of the law


A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out
of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph,
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal to the
metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway
patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him. No problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as
he floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120 mph. Suddenly, he thought,
"What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense", pulled over
to the side of the road and waited for the Trooper to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the driver's side of
the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30
minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were
speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said, "Years ago, my
wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing
her back."

"Have a good day, sir," said the Trooper.

2006-12-06 13:47:18 · 10 answers · asked by burnt bob 4

abe lincon baby!

2006-12-06 13:44:29 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day there was a barber who wished to do good deeds and he decided that he would give free haircuts for a week inorder to fulfill his dream.

The first day a policeman walked into the barber shop. After his hair was done, he handed $5 to the barber but the barber refused politely.
The policeman left with a smile on his lips
The next day the barber found a box of doughnuts by his doorway.

On the second day, a florist walked into the shop. After the barber was done with his hair he handed $5 to the barber, but again, the barber turned the money down with a kind smile.
The florist left the shop with a grin.
The next day, the barber found a basket of beautifully cut roses for him.

On the third day, A democrat walked into the barber shop. After the barber was done with his hair, he handed the fee to the barber, but like all the other customers, was turned down.
The democrat left the shop with a smile .


the next day barb found 10 other democrats waiting for free haircuts

2006-12-06 13:44:03 · 5 answers · asked by . 2

One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.
She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"
The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."
So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."
Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."
Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.
A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

2006-12-06 13:39:17 · 7 answers · asked by ♣valentine melons♣ 4

I am told a public building only laststs 20 or so years and 90million sounds outrageous. I went to school in a one room school of wood seven grades and one teacher, I was not deprived!
We read out loud in front of all seven grades it was fun. Some of us sneeked out the bathroom window and went home or into the woods for wild flowers. One time in the winter we walked cross lots home in the sleet, our clothes were froze and we had ice on our eye lashes, I still remember now I am old and I do not understand
The expence of todays foolishness. We had a crank teliphone we burned wood in the funace to keep warm. We had a pot bellied stove in school to keep us all warm the boys stoked it. We dried mittens on it. Toasted sandwiches on it
burned home work in it. We prayed in school we said the Our Father, the 23rd Psalm and the pledge to the flag after one of the apointed boys put it up the pole. the flag was put up and taken down every day. People were kind and good we lived a simple life.

2006-12-06 13:29:42 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

one i started i never stoped. I been here sence the bigging of time.You can not fell me but you can see me im all ways going.I change all most ever minite.i am found all acrose the world.Peaple see me everday im the resion your allways on time.If you read closely i all rady gave you the answer.

2006-12-06 13:26:27 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

2006-12-06 13:26:16 · 20 answers · asked by stone 4

One day the Pope was feeling especially randy and decided that he would order a couple of prostitutes. The girls arrived at the vatican and the pope showed them a good time. While the Pope was having sex with the girls a window cleaner happened to look in and see what the Pope was upto. The Pope saw the window cleaner and went over to him asking him what he wanted in exchange for his silence.
The window cleaned asked for €5,000. The Pope gave him the money and sent him on his way.
Later that day the Pope was having a meeting with one of his cardinals... The cardinal noticed how very clean the pope's windows were. He then asked the Pope " How much do you have to pay for that service?" The Pope said "€5,000."
To which the cardinal replied "Christ! They must have seen you coming!!!"

HAHahahA!

2006-12-06 13:24:33 · 9 answers · asked by Energizeer 2

bells on bobtails ring?

2006-12-06 13:16:20 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

You're stuck in a forest. There are 4 exits (North, South, East and West). In the north, there is a black hole waiting to swallow you up. In the west, there is a hole in the ground too big for you to cross, even by rope. In the south, there are 3 hungry lions that haven't eaten for 3 months that are waiting to eat you. In the east, there is a giant stone slab that is too high to climb and it takes up the whole space. Which way do you go to escape?

2006-12-06 13:05:13 · 26 answers · asked by classygirl 2

A man goes to his doctor suffering from constipation.The doctor prescribes a powerful laxative but asks the man some questions so he can calculate the right dosage."How long will it take you to get home from here?" asks the doc.
"20 minutes," replies the man.The doctor pours a dose of laxative into a glass. "And how long will it take you to get from the front door of yur house to your bathroom?"asks the doctor.
"I'd guess about 30seconds," replies the man.The doctor adds a small amount of laxative to the glass."And how long will it take you to drop your trousers and sit on the toilet?" asks the doctor.I'd say 5seconds," answers the man. The doctor adds a tiny amount of laxative to the glass and gives it to the man. "Take that, drink it all down and go straight home, "says the doctor.
Next day the doctor calls the man to see how he's feeling. "Not so good," replies the man. "Didn't the laxative work?"asks the doctor. "It worked fine," replies the man. "But it was 7seconds late. :)

2006-12-06 12:59:53 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-06 12:59:48 · 23 answers · asked by Le Chat Noir! 1

2006-12-06 12:56:57 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous