Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.


While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.


Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.


While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.


Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!


Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa"


Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.


Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.


While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.


Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy." Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa"


Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."


Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.


While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.


Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.


Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.


Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.


Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.


Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.


Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.


Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to

2006-12-06 23:11:58 · 13 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

Bald men on a raft.

2006-12-06 23:09:15 · 13 answers · asked by Anya M 1

3 children r at school working on their maths the phone rings and the teacher goes out of the room, zip then gets in the cupboard dick on top of cupboard and pee jumping about. the teacher comes back in the classroom and says to the children zip down dick out and pee

2006-12-06 22:52:59 · 16 answers · asked by blue_lead_sky 1

An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."

2006-12-06 22:48:54 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Devil walks into a bar and all the regulars run for their lives except for a wizened old man at the corner of the bar.
The Devil approached him and bellowed “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?”
The wizened old man says’yep!’
The Devil then says “Are you not frightened of me?”
The wizened old man looks the Devil up and down in contempt and says ‘Why the f*ck should I be, I married your sister over 40 years ago’.

2006-12-06 22:43:27 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jewish dilema----------Free pork!!

2006-12-06 22:42:05 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

An elderly Jewish/Scots/Cavan man (take your pick) is on his deathbed. He can feel the end isn't far off, when he suddenly notices a wonderful aroma. He realises his loving wife of 60 years is baking his favourite food, fruitcake. He finds the strength to drag himself to the kitchen, and as he reaches his frail withered hand up to the table, he suddenly feels the whack of a wooden spoon , as his wife barks, "**** off, that's for the funeral"!

2006-12-06 22:39:18 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. The Magical World Inside The Abandoned Refrigerator

2. Where to Find the toys in the Oven

3. 101 Games to Play in the Road

4. Homemade Fireworks using a Bathtub,a Blowdryer,and a Fork

5. Your Nightmares are real

6. Monsters Killed Grandpa

7. All Guns Squirt Water

8. How Fun it is to Tie a Squirrel to a Kite

9. If its Storming out the Best Place to keep shelter is under a tree

10. Dad's New Wife Robert

2006-12-06 22:36:38 · 13 answers · asked by Charley 2

A drunk phoned the police to tell them that a thief had been in his car. “They’ve shtolen the f*cking shteering wheel, dashboard, brake pedal and the akshelerator” he cried out. However, before the police could even start an investigation, the phone rang again and the same voice came over the line. “Don’t bother” he said with a hiccup, “I got in the f*cking back sheat by mishtake”.

2006-12-06 22:35:24 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sorry - question not a joke...

Why do people phone up in the middle of the night and say "You've got a pineapple on your head"?

What's it all about?

2006-12-06 22:30:16 · 11 answers · asked by etnam90 4

2006-12-06 21:47:27 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-06 21:45:44 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Pay Rise request

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:I do physical labor.  I work at great depths.  I plunge headfirst into everything I do.  I do not get weekends or public holidays off. I work in a damp environment.  I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.  I work in high temperatures.  My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,
P. Niss

The Response:

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.  You fall asleep after brief work
periods.  You do not always follow the orders of the management team. you do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.  You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. You leave the workplace rather >messy at the end of your shift.  You leave the workplace rather
>messy at the end of your shift.  You do not always observe necessary
>safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.  
>You will retire well before you are 65.  You are unable to work double
>shifts.  You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have
>completed the assigned task.
>
>And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and
>exiting
>the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
>
>Sincerely,
>V. Gina

2006-12-06 21:34:39 · 28 answers · asked by Missbutterfly:-) 3

i feel miserable i want someone to make me laugh... i mean properly laugh not make me have a slight smile.....

talking rubbish is allowd
jokes are allowed
rude jokes... more the merryer

pleaseeeee stop me being miserable

2006-12-06 21:32:39 · 26 answers · asked by louise h 2

Q: whats the definition of an impotent loser



























A: a guy who cant even get his hopes up











Q: how can you spot a blind man at a nudist colony



























A: Its not hard

2006-12-06 21:20:40 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

one night at a club little redriding hood and the big bad wolf were getting their groove on.
after hours of dancing and leading each other on they went back to his place.
he asked her come on let me stxck it in
little red ridinghood said
stck to the story motherf**ker
EAT ME

2006-12-06 21:15:50 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

you have one eye you cannot see with
a head you cannot think with
you hang out with a couple of nuts
your closest neighbour is a axsehxle
and your best freind is a pxssy

2006-12-06 21:10:48 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

if you had a carbord box... a really big one.... what would you do with it and why



( mine would be a submarine so i wouldnt get wet ;))

2006-12-06 21:09:13 · 19 answers · asked by louise h 2

ive bought "make your own christmas crackers" and a need a few good jokes to put in them as theres no in the box

2006-12-06 21:09:03 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

2006-12-06 21:06:01 · 22 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

2006-12-06 20:55:51 · 11 answers · asked by banjo man 1

2006-12-06 20:49:16 · 16 answers · asked by Red5 5

what did the man say to the man that said man?

Man

2006-12-06 20:36:53 · 16 answers · asked by Glitter gal 1

What would you do if a midget like Minnie Me(From Austin Powers) randomly walked into your room and started chanting in Gaelic while having sex with a fat piece of cheese. Your grandmother walks in and does a belly flop on him, flipping him over near your face and farts in it?

2006-12-06 20:09:28 · 9 answers · asked by joshooog 2

2006-12-06 20:01:28 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a student who was desirous of taking admission for a study course.

He was smart enough to get through the written test, a GD and was to appear for the personal interview. Later, as the interview progressed, the interviewer found this boy to be bright since he could answer all the questions correctly. The interviewer got impatient and decided to corner the boy.

"Tell me your choice," said he to the boy, "What's your choice: I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think well before you make up your mind."

The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE real difficult question."

"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man on the opposite side. Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?"

The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: "It's the DAY, sir."

"How???????" the interviewer was smiling ("At last, I got you!" he said to himself.)

"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"

Admission for the course was thus secured.

2006-12-06 19:30:23 · 43 answers · asked by anitha 4

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by itslef but the wrod as a wlohe.




Now this brings me to an interesting question---- " why do they still have to teach spelling then? ha,ha,ha........

2006-12-06 19:29:04 · 11 answers · asked by bubbles 2

Heard about the man who couldn't tell jam from putty?

All his windows fell out.

2006-12-06 19:16:15 · 14 answers · asked by lulu 6

i have got 9people who i can use
i haven't got any props or costumes

2006-12-06 19:12:32 · 4 answers · asked by weeman_riley 1

2006-12-06 18:46:47 · 16 answers · asked by ? 3