make me laugh?

Question

i feel miserable i want someone to make me laugh... i mean properly laugh not make me have a slight smile.....

talking rubbish is allowd
jokes are allowed
rude jokes... more the merryer

pleaseeeee stop me being miserable

Answer 1

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."

The Sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.

"I'm a cop", says the first man.

"Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the Sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.

"I'm a firemen", said the second man.

"Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"

And the third man answered, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

Answer 2

A Cardinal of the Church dies and goes to Heaven. An angel is giving him the the grand tour and a soul goes by draped in gold trimmed pure white robe with cheribim throwing rose pedals in his path as he ascends the gold inlayed white marble steps to his massive white marble mansion. The Cardinal asks the angel who that is and the angel says, "Oh, he's a lawyer.". The Cardinal thinks, "Wow, if that is what a lawyer gets, I can imagine what I, a Cardinal of the Church, will get". They continue on the tour and enter a huge building with a 200 foot high arched enterance way and the hall equally as impressive stretches forever. After walking for miles down the hall they take a left into another hall with 100 ft. high ceilings and walk again, coming to another turn into a hall with 50 ft. ceilings. this goes on an on with each turn the hall becomes smaller and narrower until finally they are going down a hall so narrow they have to walk single file and duck into doorways to let others pass. They come to a rough hewn wooden door, the angel opens it and inside there is a small straw cot, a basin and pitcher and a small window that looks out over nothing special. The angel says, "This is where you will reside for eternity in Heaven.". The Cardinal is totally taken aback by this and blusters out, "I'm a Cardinal of the Church and THIS is all I get, why did the lawyer get so much?" The angel says, " Cardinals are a dime a dozen, he's the only lawyer we've got here.".

Answer 3

I could do with some one to make me laugh too.

Try this on for size.

The other morning it was pouring rain it was dark and there were winds of 150mph. I had to go to college for my 9 o clock lecture. When I got as far as the college I decided to skip the lecture and go into town for a hot chocolate. On the way back to the college the bus was late and I got soaked. I was late for the next lecture so I decided to take a short cut through the grounds of the college. Cut across the lawn. Slipped in the wet grass and mud and landed right on my **** in front of about 6 people. I was covered in s**te, soaked, freezing and late.

Now I'm laughing !!

Answer 4

I went to a comedy show, here's a little of what he had to say

"So I got a brand new baby!!"
audience claps and cheers
"She's 15 child services finally caught up with me!"

Here try this one
Why do men's heart beat quicker, go weak in the knees, get dry throats and think irrationally when a woman wears leather clothing??

Cause they smell like a NEW TRUCK!!

Answer 5

Have you heard this one yet?

It was approaching 7.30 and the young executive had had a very hard day. He watched his boss walking into the conference room for an important meeting and knew he'd be safe for at least an hour, so he sprinted up to the Sky Bar Lounge on the 57th floor, hoping to catch the last thirty minutes of happy hour, when cocktails were half price.

As he walked in, the barman was pouring a double slammer of Tequila sour for a very handsome executive looking guy.

The guy slammed the Tequila, knocking it down in one gulp, got up off the bar stool, walked over to the window, opened it, climbed out and jumped.

In shock the young executive ran over to the window, but couldn't see the ground from where he was. Not knowing what to do he ordered a very dry Martini from the barman, and sat there, staring into space. The barman continued polishing glasses and dusting the bar, preparing for the evening, and appeared to be totally unfazed.

The young exec got out his cell phone, placed it on the bar in front of him, preparing to call the police, and possibly an ambulance, or even the local news station. Not knowing what to do next, and still extremely shocked by what had happened, he finished off his drink, when, in through the door the handsome young exec returned, ordered another Tequila slammer, double, very sour, knocked it back in one, walked over to the window, climbed out, and disappeared into space one more time.

This time, the poor young guy was extremely perplexed and sat there, gobstruck, staring at his reflection in the mirrored bar.

After five minutes the handsome young guy sauntered back into the bar, as if nothing had happened.

''What the hell did you do?'' He blurted out, just as the handsome young guy was sitting back down and ordering another Tequila, double, slammer, extra sour, please.

''Well, I have no idea, really.'' He began to explain. ''It must be something to do with the way this guy makes the Tequilas. You see, I seem to drop very fast at first, then, just around the third or second floor I slow right down, and land very softly on my feet. Watch.'' He knocks the next Tequila back in a oner, gets up, walks over to the window, climbs out, and disappears into the night, one more time.

Astonished is not the word. This young executive has never, ever let any opportunity go by, and this, he can't believe.

''Barman, Tequila, please.'' He says. ''Make it a double, sour, slammer, just exactly like the ones you made for him.''

He knocks it back in one, and before the barman can realize what is happening, he walks quickly over to the window, climbs up, and drops into space.

Just then, the handsome young exec reappears, just like before. This time the barman is sweating and shaking, and looking really pissed off. ''Superman,'' He says, ''You know, you are such an asshole when you get drunk.''

Answer 6

Superman was flyinf along when he saw wonder woman lying naked on a roof top. He thought "I can go in so fast, giver her one and be gone before she knew what had happend".
So he flys down faster than a speeding bullet gives her one and is off on his merry way.
Wonder woman shouts "what the hell was that?" To which the invisible man says "Don't know, but my backside really hurts!"

Answer 7

Little Adam & Jane in sunday church school

Teacher: Class who is the son of God

teacher looks around and sees jane sleeping and asks jane whats the answer.

Adam seeing this pokes jane with a ruler, shocking jane, who jumps up and cries 'jesus'

Teacher 'very good jane'

as the class proceeds jane sleeps again and the teacher asks another question 'Is there anything that god cannot do class?'
seeing jane dozing off, the teacher picks jane to answer the question again.

Adam seeing this pokes jane with the ruler again, shocking jane, who jumps up and cries 'god almighty'

Teacher 'very good jane'

as the class proceeds jane sleeps again and the teacher asks another question 'what did eve say to adam after eating the enchanted apple and having the first birth'
seeing jane dozing off, the teacher picks jane to answer the question again.

Adam seeing this unfold again pokes jane with the ruler a few times to get her to wake up. Jane quite annoy at getting interrupted through her sleep, stands and shouts 'adam if you poke that thing in me, one more time, i'll snap it in half and toss it out the window'.


hahahahaha

Answer 8

Joe and Joey are two neighbors (door next door) and friends, in an apartment's building. They are working hard both of them, many time out of their home. But not in the same place or with the same program of work. So, their wifes are also many time alone in home, maybe too much , and finally the wifes decided to "heal" this loneliness by cheating theirs husbands. Sometimes, the week-ends was spent together beetwin the two families. In one of those days Joey tell to Joe: "Sorry Joe, maybe is not my business, but I am little worry. Tell me, your wife has a problem of health? Because lately, I saw a little bit often going out a doctor from your home." After a half minut of meditation and changing many colors coming one after other on his face, red like a crawfish boiled Joe explode: " You're dam right, because is fu..ng not your business what hapend with my wife or in my home! What? When I saw a general of army going out of your home, must I believe that was started the war?"

Answer 9

a woman is in a car accident and rushed into hospital
the woman's husband is waiting in the family room,
hours later the Doctor comes to speak to the husband and
Doctor says " I've got some good news and I've got some bad news"

husband says "whats the bad news"

Doctor says "your wife has lost both her arms and legs, you will have to take her the toilet, feed her and bath her for the rest of her live"

husband says " and whats the good news"

Doctor says " only messing shes dead"

CHEER UP CHICK, ITS NEARLY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!

Answer 10

Paris Hilton rules???

Er..... Scott smells and he fancies Ray? Hehe....Girls aloud make good music???
*ends sarcasm*