Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

TWO IRISHMEN WALK INTO A PET SHOP. RIGHT AWAY THEY GO OVER TO THE BIRD SECTION. GERRY SAYS TO PADDY, “DAT’S DEM.” THE CLERK COMES OVER AND ASKS IF HE CAN HELP THEM. “YEAH, WE’LL TAKE FOUR OF DEM DERE BUDGIES IN DAT CAGE OP DERE,” SAYS GERRY, “PUT DEM IN A PEEPER BAG.” THE CLERK DOES AND THE TWO GUYS PAY FOR THE BIRDS AND LEAVE THE SHOP.
THEY GET INTO GERRY’S VAN AND DRIVE UNTIL THEY ARE HIGH UP IN THE HILL AND STOP AT THE TOP OF A CLIFF WITH A 500-FOOT DROP. “DIS LOOKS LOIKE A GRAND PLACE, EH?” SAYS GERRY. HE THEN TAKES TWO BIRDS OUT OF THE BAG, PLACES THEM ON HIS SHOULDERS AND JUMPS OFF THE CLIFF.
PADDY WATCHES AS HIS MATE DROPS OFF THE EDGE AND GOES STRAIGHT DOWN FOR A FEW SECONDS FOLLOWED BY A “SPLAT”! AS PADDY LOOKS OVER THE EDGE OF THE CLIFF HE SHAKES HIS HEAD AND SAYS, “THE HELL WITH THAT, DIS BUDGIE JUMPIN’ IS TOO DAMN’ DANGEROUS FOR ME.”
A MINUTE LATER, SEAMUS ARRIVES. HE TOO HAS BEEN TO THE PET SHOP AND HE WALKS UP CARRYING THE FAMILIAR “PEEPER BAG”. HE PULLS A PARROT OUT OF THE BAG, AND THEN PADDY NOTICES THAT, IN HIS OTHER HAND, SEAMUS IS CARRYING A GUN. “HI, PADDY. WATCH DIS,” SEAMUS SAYS AND LAUNCHES HIMSELF OVER THE EDGE OF THE CLIFF. PADDY WATCHES AS HALF WAY DOWN, SEAMUS TAKES THE HUN AND BLOWS THE PARROT’S HEAD OFF.
SEAMUS CONTINUES TO PLUMMET UNTIL THERE IS A… “SPLAT”! AS HE JOINS GERRY’S REMAINS AT THE BOTTOM. PADDY SHAKES HIS HEAD AND SAYS, “AN’ OIM NEVER TROYIN’ DAT PARROTSHOOTING NIDER.”
A FEW MINUTES AFTER SEAMUS SPLATS HIMSELF SEAN STROLLS UP. HE TOO HAS BEEN TO THE PET SHOP AND HE WALKS UP CARRYING THE FAMILIAR “PEEPER BAG”. INSTEAD OF A PARROT HE PULLS A CHICKEN OUT OF THE BAG, AND LAUNCHES HIMSELF OFF THE CLIFF WITH THE USUAL RESULT. ONCE MORE PADDY SHAKES HIS HEAD - … “FOCK ME SEAN, FIRST DER WAS GERRY WIT HIS BUDGIE JUMPING, DEN SEAMUS PARROTSHOOTING AND NOW YOU FOCKING “HENGLIDING.”

2006-12-07 04:36:26 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A prosperous businessman proposed to a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for $300.00. When he was ready to leave in the morning, he told her that he did not have any money with him, and he would have his secretary write her a check for it and mark it "Rent of
Apartment".

On his way to his office, he decided that the whole thing was not worth the price he had agreed to pay on, he advised his secretary to send a check for $250.00, with the following note:

Dear Madam,
Enclosed is my check for the amount of $250.00 for the rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:

(1) It had never been used
(2) There was plenty of heat
(3) It was small

Last night I found it had been occupied, that there was not any heat and it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately replied and returned the check with the following note:

Dear Sir,

I am returning your check for $250.00. I cannot understand how you expected such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied, as for heat, there was plenty of it, if you knew how to turn it on, and for the size, it is not my fault if you did not have enough furniture to fill it.

2006-12-07 04:34:23 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.
The priest says, "Oh ok, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language.

The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue.
"Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church."
The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"
The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I hooked my drive well left into the trees."
The priest said, "And that's when you swore."

The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."
The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"

The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away."
The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"
The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."
The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the f***ing putt!"

2006-12-07 04:33:59 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy was sitting in a bar, drinking away. Suddenly he says to the bartender, "I have to go home or the wife will be mad".
(at this point he was loaded drunk)

He climbed down from the bar stool, and fell flat on his face. The man then said "I can't walk and I didn't have that much to drink?".

He gets up to give it another try, this time the same thing happens and he falls flat to his face. He says "I have to get home some way or the wife will kill me if I don't get home soon"!

He gets an idea of crawling home, so away he went crawling home. He crawled up to his apartment and slowely snuck into bed with his wife trying not to wake her.

The next morning he woke up to see his wife running in the room. She said "you were out drinking again last night weren't you!"

The man replied with "NO WAY!"
And the wife said "YOU LIAR!
The bartender just called and said you left your wheelchair at the club again last night"!

2006-12-07 04:32:23 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jenny was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked
full time, but he never did anything around the house and
certainly not any housework. That, he declared, was
woman's work!

But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the
children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and
another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set
table, complete with flowers. She was astonished, and she
immediately wanted to know what was going on.

It turned out that Charley, her husband, had read a magazine
article that suggested working wives would be more romantically
inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the
housework, in addition to holding down a full-time job.

The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her girlfriends at the
office. "How did it work out?" they asked.

"Well, it was a great dinner, Jenny said. "Charley even cleaned
up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and
put everything away."

"I really enjoyed my evening." she went on to say.

"But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know.

It didn't work out," Jenny said. "Charley was too tired

2006-12-07 04:22:39 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blind man finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar
immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1 - The
bartender is a blonde girl
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 180-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously, Mister.
Do you really wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah.......... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

2006-12-07 04:21:07 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Dublin boy visited his grandmother with his friend. While the boy was talking to his Granny in the kitchen, his friend was eating peanuts from a bowl on the living room table.

When it was time to go, the friend called out: "Thanks for the peanuts."

"That's ok" said the granny, "Since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em."

2006-12-07 04:19:55 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two men were scuffling outside a pub when along came a huge Irishman - fists like hams - who started taking his coat off.

'You're fighting about Ireland, aren't you?' he demanded.

'No, no,' said both men in unison. 'Honestly, it's a personal matter, nothing to do with Ireland at all.'

'Huh,' muttered the Paddy, and shuffled off. Two seconds later he was back, tearing off his coat saying:

'So Ireland's not worth fighting about, eh?'

2006-12-07 04:15:13 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-07 04:09:08 · 14 answers · asked by ? 1

So he went to interview this farm and asked him.
What was one of your best moments on the farm?
The farmer answered,"Well my friend lost his sheep so a group of use went out and found it had s e x with it and gave it back to him."

Reporter: "i can't print that, what about another good/happy moment on the farm?"

Farmer: "Well the same friend lost his 18 year old daughter and the group got together and found her, had s e x with and took her home."

Reporter: "That's just not right, I can't print that either. Ok, what about the sadest thing that ever happened to you on the farm?"

The farm looked down at the ground and kicked at it little.He started to look like he was going to cry and said,

"I got lost once."

2006-12-07 04:01:20 · 13 answers · asked by chad h 1

And what?

2006-12-07 04:00:15 · 4 answers · asked by lucyhot21 2

did any one cry and who do u think u are
im more like nicole , 10years old becuase my step dad beat me but he wasnt drunk. and i lost my sister

2006-12-07 04:00:11 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

You might be a redneck if...

You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home.

You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

You've ever been too drunk to fish.

You've ever bought a used cap.

You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

You've ever used a weedeater indoors.

Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.

You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).

You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.


A Southern zoo will have the name of the animal and a recipe

2006-12-07 03:52:11 · 8 answers · asked by Sam 3

and I decided to rent a porn video for me and my husband. I brought it home and we settled in for what was going to be a good night. We put the tape in and it was nothing but "snow", so my husband checked all the wiring but everything seemed to be hooked up all right. He said it has to be the tape then.

So, the next day, I (embarrisingly) take it back to the video store and said there was something wrong with the tape and could I get another one?

That night we put it back in the VCR ready for a fun night and hit play....nothing but snow again!!

So I would just like to inform everyone NEVER rent the porn "HEAD CLEANER" !!!!!

2006-12-07 03:50:22 · 9 answers · asked by geminitaurus 2

There was two women walking along the high street. One spotted her husband coming out of the flower shop with a huge bunch of deep red roses - her favourite flower.
Nudging her friend she pointed him out and groaned "I'll be spending tonight on my back with my legs in the air."
The other woman looked puzzled "Why?" she asked "Don't you have a Vase?"

2006-12-07 03:49:40 · 17 answers · asked by lothlorien_priestess 2

2006-12-07 03:49:38 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

It roars like thunder,
And rises higher,
While breathing fire,
This wingless wonder.

If it leaves its cave,
Drags us in its tail,
Over hill and dale,
Then you must be brave.

Early morning flight,
Silently it flies,
Slowly in the skies.
Hides before the night.

My kingdom at least,
To the brave young knight,
If you name it right.

What is this huge beast?

2006-12-07 03:49:36 · 18 answers · asked by Lilel 4

A man comes home to find his wife sitting at the the table getting very made. He says to her honey whats wrong. Well I got this puzzle of a Tiger that I am trying to put together but I just can't seem to get it started. The husband says, honey put the frosted flakes back in the box and lets go eat.

2006-12-07 03:42:03 · 15 answers · asked by FC 3

if u got nuts on your chest u got chest nut if u got nuts on your wall u got wall nuts if u got nuts on your chin u better watch out cause u got a dick in your mouth ..... merry christmas lol

2006-12-07 03:41:43 · 11 answers · asked by iiiiii_promise_ya 2

A couple went 2 a gynacologist. They told that they have no children after passing 3 years from marraige. The doctor told that it was because of the fault of the husband coz he doesnt have fertile sperms! But the man was not ready 2 accept the truth. He told the doctor was incorrect and he will prove it within a month.
After a month the same couple saw the doctor and said that the wife was pregnant and began complaining the doctor. Then the doctor told a story of a hunter.The hunter used 2 sleep till midnight and wake up and go 2 shoot tigers.One night he went as usual but by mistake he took an umbrella.At the jungle a tiger jumpd 2 him and he pointed his umbrella and the tiger droppd dead by a bullet.Then the hunter was very happy and claimed that he killed the tiger. after hearin dis story the husband told"Somebody else would have fired from the dark instead of him and the foolish hunter is claiming the credit of it".
Then the doctor replied" The Same happened in ur case also"

2006-12-07 03:38:36 · 5 answers · asked by Kirsten 3

i am looking for this web site that has these babies heads on animated bodies and there singing all the funny songs. One is were this boy baby is in the tub and he singing the rub a dub song and the he poops in the bathtub

2006-12-07 03:31:07 · 2 answers · asked by Geana06 1

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for Lola and was in line to
check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The
Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the
hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in
both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I
told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is
to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two
every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she
asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended
up in the hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit
me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door

2006-12-07 03:29:30 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table
knows nothing of the Christmas spirit.
In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately.
Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly.
Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even
rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but
now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's
not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a
treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's
Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it.
That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone.
Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes.
Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or
whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother?
It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to
control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat
other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between
now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you
have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need
after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and
that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted
Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near
them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of
attention.
They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're
never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if
you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have
three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost.
I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the
party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread
tips; start over, but hurry,
January is just around the corner.

2006-12-07 03:13:54 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man said t o his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

2006-12-07 03:13:07 · 12 answers · asked by lady_kiki_007 1

can anyone help me unscramble this "midaplot"..L is supposed to be the fourth letter.

2006-12-07 03:09:27 · 4 answers · asked by girl21 2

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.

"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.

2006-12-07 03:03:07 · 25 answers · asked by Rubber * Duckie 4

What is the funniest, most silliest joke question you'e seen here?

2006-12-07 02:58:51 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A fuddler went 4 confession to a priest! he told " I went 2 a prostitute's house, and i banged a door 4 a long time in the mid night. I had done that big crime!Then the priest got angry and asked was that u?? I was dying inside when u went on banging!!!

2006-12-07 02:55:15 · 14 answers · asked by Kirsten 3

Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his brother in the woods?

HAHAHAHAHA

2006-12-07 02:42:37 · 9 answers · asked by geminitaurus 2

A very small white guy gets sent to prison for stealing from his company, Once inside his cell he meets his new cell mate, a 450lbs 6’11 black man named bubba. Bubba says to the little white guy, “Now this is how this cell is going to work, we are now a family. One of us will be the man and will have to go out and bring home the food and money, and one of us will be the wife and stay home keep the cell clean, cook, and when the man gets home have to perform certain other wifely duties. Do you understand?” The white man nods. “Now,” bubba says, “since your new here, I’m going to let you choose what do you want to be the husband or the wife?” The white man is shocked at this sudden reprieve and weakly lets out, “ I guess I would like to be the Husband.” Bubba looks his up and down and says, “That’s fine, NOW GET OVER HERE AND SUCK YOUR WIFE’S D1CK!”

2006-12-07 02:38:37 · 14 answers · asked by cutthroat_mako 2