Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

Do you know any cool jokes or pranks ?

2006-12-07 09:33:06 · 6 answers · asked by Dhaircutta 3

they set up their tent and go to sleep.some hours later the lone ranger wakes up his faithful friend, tonto look up at the sky and tell me what you see.tonto replies, me see millions of stars. what does that tell you ,asks the lone ranger

astronomically speaking it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. astrologically it tells me that saturn is in leo, time wise it appears to be approximately quarter past three, theologically it appears the lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant, meteorogically we will have a beautiful day tomorrow,
what it tell you kimo sabi...
the lone ranger is silent for a moment and then speaks

some fooker stole our tent.....

2006-12-07 09:31:46 · 16 answers · asked by chris w. 7

Egbert the village idiot religiously leaves the house at 6.30 every Saturday morning to play golf no matter what the weather's like. This Saturday morning it's pouring with rain, but Egbert gives his wife a peck on the cheek and leaves for the course. The rain gets worse, the wind starts howling, the rain turns to driving sleet & it's freezing. This proves too much for him so he packs up & goes home after an hour. He goes into the bedroom where his wife's still in bed. He undresses, gets into bed shivering & snuggles up to his wife's back. 'The weather's atrocious out there' he says, his voice hoarse. 'I know' says his wife.......' And that stupid bas**rd's still out playing golf'!!

2006-12-07 09:30:27 · 4 answers · asked by kev3753 1

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

2006-12-07 09:23:55 · 33 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

2006-12-07 09:23:01 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-07 09:22:47 · 10 answers · asked by mikey 3

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

2006-12-07 09:21:47 · 23 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

1 night a man was watching tv and eating peanuts, tossing them in the air and catching them. While he was in the middle of catching 1, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer, the peanut landed in his ear. The wife tried to remove the peanut but only succeeded in pushing it deeper. With all attemps to remove it failing miserably, the pair began to panic and decided to go to hospital, just as they were about to leave, their daughter came home with her date. Hearing the problem, the young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove 2 fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow. Sure enough, when the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
Everyone congratulated the young man, and the daughter took him into the kitchen to get something to eat as a reward. The relieved wife turned to her husband and said: 'Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?'
The father replied:'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!'

2006-12-07 09:19:37 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A very frustrated man visits his doctor. "Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"

"Look, I can't prescribe anything..."

"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I'm desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me."

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."

"I don't know, doc. She's awfully cold."

"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

"Um... okay." He thanks the doc and heads for home where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. In fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He thinks for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes... he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look enters her eyes. In a near-whisper and in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I need a man..."

His eyes glitter, and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me too."

2006-12-07 09:18:44 · 17 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had "fallen."

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe, old age.

A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has already fallen three times this week!"

2006-12-07 09:17:50 · 7 answers · asked by iNn0c3nt 3

I turn polar bears white and I will make you cry. I make guys have to pee and girls comb their hair. I make celebrities look stupid and normal people look like celebrities. I turn pancakes brown and make your champane bubble. If you sqeeze me, I'll pop. If you look at me, you'll pop.

2006-12-07 09:16:15 · 6 answers · asked by heather_0651 2

A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him.

She was so thrilled to have him around that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled,

"My husband's home! My husband's home!"

2006-12-07 09:08:35 · 18 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

There were these two best friends out playing golf one beautiful day. After hitting their tee shots, both noticed that neither was even close to the fairway. One friend hit it way left, the other way right.

They decided that since the shots were so bad, they'd just meet up at the hole.

So the first guy went off and looked and looked and finally found his ball sitting down deep in a field of beautiful Buttercups. He promptly pulled out his 7 iron and started whacking away. Buttercups were flying everywhere, but the ball wouldn't come out.

Well, finally Mother Nature got mad.

She came up from the ground and said to the man, "I've created this beautiful field of Buttercups and you have no respect for them at all, now they are ruined. I'm going to have to punish you. Since these are Buttercups, your punishment is that you cannot have butter for a year."

The man started to laugh and went back to whacking at the Buttercups.

Mother Nature said, "Hey, this is no laughing matter. What do you find so funny?"

The man looked up and said, "My buddy is over on the other side in the Pussywillows."

2006-12-07 09:07:14 · 16 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

"Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."

2006-12-07 09:06:03 · 16 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

...Yo Mama's so fat
I walked into her house
..and I was IN YOUR MAMA!!!

2006-12-07 09:04:10 · 14 answers · asked by mikey 3

Where is a good site to sign up for text message joke of the day, to get jokes sent to my cell everyday?

2006-12-07 08:55:24 · 2 answers · asked by raquel70669 2

One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin.

"How did I gethere, Mommy?" she asks.

Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "Why God sent you, Honey."

"And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues. "Yes, Sweetheart, he did."

"And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?"

"Yes, Honey, all of them, too."

The child shakes her head in disbelief.

"Then you're telling me there's been no sex in this family for over 200 years?

No wonder everyone is so grouchy!"

2006-12-07 08:54:36 · 41 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.

One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Yes it is," the man replies.

"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.

"No thanks," the man replies.

"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.

"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.

"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.

"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.

"Yes it is," replies the man.

"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.

"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."

"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.

"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.

"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Don't you start that **** in here," the priest says!

2006-12-07 08:53:42 · 22 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

On his way home he saw little Jane.
Johnnie said if you give me a F***, i'll give you this duck.
little Jane complied and pretty soon she arrived home with the Duck.
Her mom (a blonde) said..where did you get this duck
Janesaid i gave Johnnie a F*** and he gave me this Duck
Mom said..You silly girl...give Johnnie back that Duck and take back your F***

2006-12-07 08:52:18 · 11 answers · asked by reggaekid 2

Once there was a man who was in love with a beautiful woman and he wanted to marry her. The woman told him that befor they could get married he would have to ask her father, who was a farmer. So the next day the man went to the farmer and said, "Sir I love your daughter very much and I would like to ask for her hand in marriage." The farmer sat there and looked at him for a moment and said, "I will let you marry her, but first you must compleat a test." Willing to do anything to be able to marry the girl the man aggred. The farmer said, "first you must jump the fence, swim the river and screw the cow in the barn." The man thought that it sounded easy enough so he did it. When he got finished he asked the farmer, "Ok now can I marry your daughter?" The farmer couldn't belive that the man had acutally done those things and thinking it was funny he told the man to do it again! So the man jumped the fence, swam the river, and screwed the cow, again! When he was finished the man went back to the farmer and asked "Now may I marry your daughter?" By this time the farmer was amazed that the man did all that a second time, and wondered if he would do it a third, so the farmer said, "Ok if you do all that one more time I will let you marry my daughter." So the man did it again. He jumped the fence, swam, the river, and scrwed the cow. When he came back to the farmer this time, the farmer said, "Ok now you can marry my daughter." The man said, "To hell with you daughter how much do you want for the cow?"

2006-12-07 08:48:53 · 24 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Three guys are in a bar discussing how much their wives ***** at them. They decide that when they get home, they'll do everything that the women ask.

The next weekend, they are in the same bar.

The first guy says "Man, I don't think that our idea was so great! I was sitting on the couch watching TV and I dropped my cigarette on the couch. My wife said why don't you burn the whole house down? That place is still smoldering."

The second guy said "That ain't nothing. I was working on the car, and dropped my wrench and it nicked the fender. She said why don't you tear the whole car apart? It took me all night."

The third guy said "You guys don't have nothing on me. When I walked in the door, my wife was doing the dishes, and I felt a little romantic. I reached down, and grabbed her crotch, she said "Cut that out!" He held out his hands. "Ever seen one of these real close?"

2006-12-07 08:46:27 · 25 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

There is this riddle:

A farmer Grows oranges and He sells them at a market. He does not do anything to the oranges (like he doesnt cut them, have someone cut them for him, or anything). The First guy comes up and buys Half of the Oranges And Half an Orange. The next guy Buys half Of whats left and Half An Orange. The Third Guy Buys Half of whats left And Half An Orange. Then The farmer Is out of Oranges. WHAT NUMBER OF ORANGES DID HE START WITH AND HOW DID YOU GET THAT NUMBER!?!?!?

2006-12-07 08:44:39 · 12 answers · asked by Kman 2

two indians heroin addicts injected curry powder by accident lastnite & were rushed to hospital. ones got a dodgy tikka & the others in a korma

2006-12-07 08:42:39 · 24 answers · asked by CHRIS T 1

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat... It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure,. go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one i really liked.

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "£70,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They w ill probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price."

2006-12-07 08:40:55 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-07 08:40:20 · 3 answers · asked by bobcat70 2

Me

2006-12-07 08:36:09 · 4 answers · asked by skimboardergal6 3

One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business.
While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream.

Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in."

2006-12-07 08:35:24 · 19 answers · asked by skimboardergal6 3

They found her face down in Ricky Lake!lol

2006-12-07 08:25:49 · 24 answers · asked by Tammy R 2

A Permanent Halloween mask!

2006-12-07 08:25:38 · 13 answers · asked by Dragon Urine 1

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck???!!!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a coffee break, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did."

2006-12-07 08:24:04 · 15 answers · asked by La Chula 2