Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

im pregnant and i dont know the sex of my baby yet. ive decided on the names though -
i dont know which are better. id appreciate ur opinion on these...
BOY - sampson or austen.
GIRL - tegan or kenley.
EITHER - saeger (my mother's maiden name)

ive always wanted to give my kid a really embarrassing middle name like 'pleasures' or 'macarena' or 'elmo'. something like that. dont ask why, because i dont know. if u have any suggestions plz let me know. my boyfriend is still stuck on pistol (which is actually kind of cool) and venice (where he/she was concieved).

i dont care if u think i shouldnt give my child an embarrassing middle name. i didnt ask for your opinion on that matter. please dont tell me what u think about that and only answer this question if you have an embarrassing name or would like to comment on the names i have in mind.
thank u, natacia

2006-12-07 11:46:30 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

I just feel like having a good laugh before the day is done!

2006-12-07 11:39:02 · 18 answers · asked by Cito 3

there was this hot guy named Jovan
....

thats all . hehe please help fill this out..thanks

2006-12-07 11:33:28 · 10 answers · asked by dee_dee A 2

tell me a really funny joke. I just saw something that made me sad, so make me laugh please

2006-12-07 11:28:18 · 18 answers · asked by ♥#1 Miley Cyrus Fan♥ 5

So, do you WAX?????

Only a woman can laugh at this. No one else would dare! Hope you enjoy!
This has to be one of the funniest and most awful scenarios I have ever
heard of... Bless this woman!!!

All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy,
painless removal. The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now.... The Wax!!

My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home; fix dinner;
played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my

mind for the next few hours; "Maybe I should do the hair removal thing for
the month?"

So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one of those cold
wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in

your hand and then they get warm and you peel them apart, press it to your
leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off! No mess, no fuss. How hard
can it be? I mean, I'm no girly, girl, but am mechanically inclined enough
that I can figure it out.

*YA THINK!!!*

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each together,
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hairdryer
and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my rear end (Oh, how this phrase
haunts me!).

I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.

OK... So it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do
this!!!

Hair removal no longer eludes me!! I am She-Ra, fighter of all wayward body
hair and smooth skin extraordinaire!!

With my next wax strip, I move "north". After checking on the kids, I sneak
back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop
my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of the

bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the

inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and
brace myself....

RRRRIIIIIIPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!

I'm Blind!!!!! Blinded from pain!!!!!!... OH DEAR GOD !!!!!!!!!!!

I'm making noises that only dogs can hear .

Vision slowly returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half
of

the strip. S**T!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP...

Everything is swirly and spotted . I cannot breath or speak - I have
forgotten how ..

Do I hear crashing drums?????

Wait a few minutes and I'm back to normal (nearly) After all this I want to
see my trophy !!! - A wax covered strip with my hairy pelt that has caused
me so much pain, sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my
triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it!

Where is the hair?? WHERE IS THE WAX? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still

perched on the toilet. I see the hair... The hair that should be on the
strip. I touch. I am touching wax. S**T!!! I run my fingers over the most
sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake . . . . . .

Remember, my foot is still propped up on the toilet. I know I need to do
something, so I put my foot down.

DAMN!!! I hear the slamming of the cell door.

Vagina? Sealed shut!

Butt?? Sealed shut!!!

I penguin walk around the bathroom, trying to figure out what to do and
think to myself, "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off."

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand
into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and the wax should
melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??

WRONG!!!!

I get in the tub - The water is slightly hotter than then that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse that having your nether businesses glued together
is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub.

In scalding hot water!! (Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax) So, now
I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!!! God bless the man what convinced me I
should have a phone in the bathroom!!! I call my friend, thinking surely
she's waxed before and has come secret of how to get me undone. It's a very
good conversation starter, "So my butt and who-ha are stuck to the bottom of the tub!

There is a slight pause. She doesn't have a secret trick, but does try to
hide the laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is
located.

"Are we talking buttock cheek or is it covering - you know -
Everywhere(cringe factor 20000 at this point) ?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and
she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH RIGHT!!!!!!

I should be the 'butt' of someone else's work-night jokes.

While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with
a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in
hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water, and then dry
shaving the sticky wax off!!!

By now, the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I slip
into glazed donut land. My friend is still talking with me and my hand
reaches towards the saving grace...The lotion they give you to remove the
excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point. I rub some on and OH MY
GOD!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids, scared the dickens out of my
friend, but I really don't care!!

"IT WORKS!! IT WORKS!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and
she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice, to
my grief and despair...

THE HAIR IS STILL THERE... ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!

So, I shaved it off. Heck, I'm numb at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair colour . . . .

2006-12-07 11:24:41 · 41 answers · asked by Tink 5

2006-12-07 11:05:12 · 14 answers · asked by freegrounds 1

It was Christmas Eve and Santa was out delivering presents. He went into one house, dropped off the presents under the tree and was about to make his way back up the chimney when a woman in her dressing gown walked in and caught him.

"Santa, wont you stay for a drink with me?" she said. Santa replied "Ho ho ho, I must go. The children want their toys you know."

The woman then slowly took off her dressing gown and was standing there in just her bra and pants and said "Please Santa, just stay for one quick drink with me?", to which Santa replied again "Ho ho ho, I must go. The children want their toys you know".

The woman now a bit fustrated took off her bra and pants and was standing in front of Santa totally naked. She asked again "Please, can't you stay for one quick drink with me?". Santa stared at her for a minute and replied "Hey hey hey, I must stay. I can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"

2006-12-07 11:03:53 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-07 11:02:15 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

with his wife. He looked out the window and saw something happening. He says to his wife, "Look honey. It's raining."
She, being the obstinate type, responded," I don't think so, dear. I think it's snowing."
But Rudolph knew better. So he says to his wife," Let's step outside and we'll find out."
Lo and behold, they step outside and discover it was in fact rain. And Rudolph turns to his wife and replies," I knew it was raining. Rudolph the Red knows rain,
dear!"

2006-12-07 10:59:15 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

2006-12-07 10:48:51 · 31 answers · asked by jazi 5

what is greater than god, more evil than the devil, poor people ahve it, rich people need it, and if you eat it you'll die

it took me the longest time to figure it out

2006-12-07 10:38:38 · 14 answers · asked by nαrcíssα [misses being a TC] 6

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had died, Jenny went straight to visit her grandmother.

When she asked how her grandpa had died, her grandma explained, not holding back anything of course, "He had a heart attack during sex, Sunday morning!"

Horrified, Jenny suggested that screwing at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble!

"Oh no," her grandma replied. "We had sex every Sunday morning in time with the church bells!"

"In with the dings, out with the dongs!"

She paused to wipe away a tear, "...If it wasn't for that damn Ice Cream Truck, he'd still be alive!"

2006-12-07 10:34:16 · 23 answers · asked by jazi 5

Two gay men decide that they want to have a baby, but they don't want to adopt because they want the baby to be as close to their own as possible.

So they both masturbate into a cup and have a doctor use their sperm to impregnate a female friend of theirs.

Nine months later, the two guys are looking at their baby in the hospital nursery. All of the babies are crying and screaming except for theirs.

"Wow," one of the gay men says, "Our baby is the most well behaved one in here."

A nurse who happens to be walking by says, "Now he's quiet, but wait till we take the pacifier out of his a*s!"

2006-12-07 10:29:51 · 28 answers · asked by jazi 5

man walks in2 a bar in the desert,he notices that there is a pile of **** in one corner and a pile of **** in the other corner,not thinking much about it he orders a drink and sits down.
suddenly a man runs in and goes to 1 of the corners and takes a dump,with that the barman pulls out a gun and shoots him dead!
hey the man says jumping out of his chair wot the **** did u do that 4,barman replies?

ive told him a hundred times not to use the ladies!

oh *** on its funny!

2006-12-07 10:22:58 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-07 10:22:13 · 32 answers · asked by Lisa D 1

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More Stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"

And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

2006-12-07 10:19:48 · 22 answers · asked by jazi 5

diarreah?

Can you prove it?

2006-12-07 10:18:57 · 6 answers · asked by Ducky 1

Judy replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'

2006-12-07 10:16:34 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Priest was in his room and realized that his pet rooster was missing.

He decided to bring it up in Sunday Mass. Right before the sermon the Priest asked, "Who has a c*ck?" All of the men in the room stood up. The Priest said, "No, No, No. Who has seen a c*ck?" All of the women in the room stood up. The Priest said, "No, No, No. Who has seen MY C*CK?!" All of the nuns stood up.

2006-12-07 10:15:39 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Your mama so dumb

it took her 5 hours to cook minute rice.

2006-12-07 10:13:10 · 18 answers · asked by mizike 2

a teacher is sitting in class and she is teaching english to her pupils.
she is asking them to put the words she gives them in a sentence . the first word is "window" little jimmy puts his hand up and says "yesterday i helped my mummy clean the window" teacher says very good jimmy. the next word she picks is football. little ricky puts his hand up and says "this saturday i will be playing five a side football". teacher says very good etc. she tells the class then that the next word will be a little more difficult and she picks the word "contagious". little michael puts his hand up and says "we had the builder round last week to build a conservatory and i heard my dad say "at this rate its going to take this contagious to finish the job".

2006-12-07 10:03:11 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

who are your top comedians on here??

always laughing chris w and ploppypants in the order for me

2006-12-07 09:57:49 · 9 answers · asked by jennusula 1

Do you have any new ones?

2006-12-07 09:49:00 · 7 answers · asked by Coolkid81 3

1
11
21
1211
111221
312211
13112221
__________ (10 numbers)

31131211131221


can you find the missing numbers??? good luckk 10pts to correct answer if any

2006-12-07 09:48:41 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever,but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
- Mariah Carey, pop singer
- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

2006-12-07 09:46:01 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher. "My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher. Little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns." The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?" "It'll teach those Indians not to f*ck with the Lone Ranger."

2006-12-07 09:43:56 · 31 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

These two guys go to a whorehouse. The first guy goes in then comes out and says, "My wife is better." The second guy goes in then comes out and says, "You know what? Your wife IS better."

2006-12-07 09:39:56 · 24 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

A well to do man walks into a bar and orders a glass of twenty year old scotch. The bartender slides it to him and the man takes a sniff and says: "I don't know what your trying to do but this scotch is only five years old." Surprised that the man could tell the difference the bartender slid over another glass and apoligized for the first offense. The man sniffed the glass scratched his head then took a sip and said: "O barkeep you did better this time but this scotch is only ten years old, lets see if we can do better this next time" Dumfounded the bartender's face turned red and in a shame he reached for the twenty year old scotch. Before he could pour it, a rather large man at the end of the bar slid a glass to the well to do man and said: "Try this!" The well to do man turned up the glass and swallowed its contents down right before vomiting it back out screaming: "What is this!!!!" The big man turned and said: "Now tell me how old I am!"

2006-12-07 09:37:43 · 14 answers · asked by nhanceddans 1

What's the difference between a novel and a book?
How old are you before it can be said you died of old age?
If nobody buys a ticket to a movie do they still show it?
If someone owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way to the center of the earth?
If you have a cold hot pocket, is it just a pocket?
If humans evolved from monkey's/apes, why are they still here?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is the show called unsolved mysteries? if they were solved they wouldn't be mysteries.
Do penguins have knees?
Why is it said that an alarm clock is going off when really its coming on?


How come people tell you not to stand in front of an emergency exit when if there was an emergency surely you would run through it?
Why did Sally sell seashells on the seashore when you can just pick them up anyway?
In libraries, do they put the bible in the fiction or non-fiction section?
Why are both of Spongebob's parents round like sea sponges while he is square like a kitchen sponge?
Does a two-humped camel store more water than a one-humped camel?
If you pamper a cow, do you get spoiled milk?
Why is it that if someone yells "duck" they are helping you, but if they yell "chicken" they are insulting you?
If the FBI breaks your door down do they have to pay for it?
If they have angel food cake on earth, do they have people food cake in heaven?
If you fart and burp at the same time, would it make a vacuum in your tummy?
Do they call a fortune teller who cant see a "blind seer"?
Why do you put two cents in when its only a penny for your thoughts?
Can you cry underwater?
You know the signs on restaurant doors? No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service? what if someone goes in with No Pants? Would the restaurant still have to serve them?
If an African elephant comes to America, is it an African-American elephant?
Why doesn't flavored gum turn your mouth that color?
If a doctor suddenly died while doing surgery, would the other doctors work on the doctor or the patient?
Why do we sing "Rock a bye baby" to lull our little ones to sleep when the song is about putting your baby in a tree and letting the wind crash the cradle to the ground?
Why do we say we're head over heels when we're happy? Isn't that the way we normally are?
If the Wicked Witch of the West melts in water... how did she ever bathe?
If bald people work as chefs in a restaurant,do they have to wear hairnets?
Why do sleeping pills have warning labels that state :'Caution: May Cause Drowsiness?
Do nudists have pin-ups of people with clothes on?
How can Darth Vader breathe and talk at the same time?
If there's a wheelchair-bound comedian, is it still called "stand-up"?
When the French swear do they say pardon my English?
Do people who use sign language see little hands in their head when they think about what somebody said, or do they hear the words in their head?
How did Walt Disney figure out how to make people pay to stand in lines all day?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they call someone "late" if they died early?
Why are the adjectives 'fast as' and 'slow as' often used in conjunction with hell, is hell slow or fast?
If the serving size on a can of soda is one can, then why is the serving size on the little can one can, too? Wouldn't the little cans be 2 cans?
If a king is gay and marries another guy what is that guy to the royal family?
Why are red buttons always the most important?
How is chess considered a sport?
Why is it when your sleeping it`s called drool but when your awake its called spit?
If a hermaphrodite got sent to a certain gender prison, which one would it get sent to?
If a teacher were to teach a younger grade than they were teaching before, would they be "degraded"?
If you get chemo-therapy do you lose your pubic hairs?
Would you die if you didn't pee?
Why does every Abraham Lincoln impersonator sound the same, even though there are no known audio recordings of the man?
How's come people tell you to stay a kid for as long as you can. Yet the moment you do anything childish or immature they tell you to grow up.
Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.
When Jewish People go to Court, they can't swear on the bible, can they?
If marbles are not made of marble, why are they called marbles?
If you dig a hole through the center of the earth, come out on the other side, and then let go, would you be falling down or floating up?
Could you be a closet claustrophobic?
Could someone be addicted to counseling? If so, how would you treat them?
If ketchup is good on french fries, how come it isn't good on mashed potatoes?
Where do all the daylight savings hours go?
Why doesn't the hair on your arms grow as fast as the hair on your head?
What happens if a black cat walks under a ladder and breaks a mirror?
Why when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a desert island?" no one ever replies, "A BOAT"
Why are elderly people often called "old people" but children are never called "new people"?
How does Freddy Kruger wipe his butt?
Why doesn't broccoli come in a can?
Can you slam a revolving door?
How young can you be, but still die of old age?
What would happen if you found a four-leaf-clover under a ladder?
Can a cross-eyed teacher control his pupils?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
If winnie the pooh was civilized enough to keep his honey in jars, why did he eat it off his hands? Surely he had spoons?
What happens if you get a paper cut from a Get Well card?
Can you read a picture book?
Why does it say "shake well" on ketchup bottles, but not ketchup packets?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Is eating a mermaid considered cannibalism?
Why does it say do not use before work with heavy machinery on the back of childrens tylenol? I mean..really could we save that many people by getting those darn five year-olds with headcolds off those forklifts!
If mirrors need light to work, what happens if you put night vision goggles on in the dark and look at a mirror?
if you're on an American airline, and you land in Canada and stay on the plane, is the drinking age still 21 or does it change to 19?
What happens if every team in the NFL goes 8-8?
What shape is the sky?
If a Jewish person goes to court and is asked to put their right hand on the Bible, do they use a Torah instead?
Why is it written "May contain traces of peanuts or other kind of nuts" on peanut butter jars. Are people stupid enough not to realize it themselves?
If you only have one eye...are you blinking or winking?
If you have a gun and you ask, "can I ask you a question?" and they say "fire away" should you shoot them?
What is a chickpea if it is neither a chick nor a pea?
Why is it called the People's Republic Of China when China's not a republic?

2006-12-07 09:36:31 · 6 answers · asked by Happy as can be 1

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't," he said.

She said, "I sell tampons."

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"

2006-12-07 09:35:29 · 25 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3