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Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

[Selected]: All categories Entertainment & Music Jokes & Riddles

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN GOLF BUT AREN'T

10. Nuts...my shaft is bent.

9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

7. Look at the size of his putter.

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.

1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.


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2006-12-07 15:47:24 · 13 answers · asked by hey 4

Do you have a secret place where you know you could be alone forever???

2006-12-07 15:30:06 · 18 answers · asked by redhead 2

I Miss Bill Clinton

It doesn't matter what party you belong to - this is hilarious.
A black comedian explained why he misses Bill Clinton.
"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing
we ever got to having a black man as President.

# 1 - He played the sax.

# 2 - He smoked weed.

# 3 - He had his way with ugly white women.

Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he don't!
And, he gets a check from the government every month.
Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's
shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations'most distinguished men.
It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton.
The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada.
When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied,"I don't know, I never had one."
The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as
I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what Ithink you need to know."
Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do
Hanky Panky between Bushes.

2006-12-07 15:21:12 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A newlywed claims she can communicate with the dead and her name is Melinda Gordon. She is able to do this once a week, every week and has been able to do this for the past two years. She is played by Jennifer Love Hewitt and she is the "Ghost Whisperer"!
Rate my joke!
Like my joke and want to read other funny ones? Click my name!

2006-12-07 15:04:51 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A doctor, an ex-rock star drug addict, and an Iraqi are stranded on an island, among others. They are there because their plane crashed. All the survivors of the plane crash are forced to live with each other on a remote island, and face whatever comes their way. Then, you realize these are fictional people and you are watching the show LOST.

Rate my joke. If you like it and want other funny ones, click my name!

2006-12-07 15:01:20 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Over the past six months, your husband has been
causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot
tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from
our stores. We have documented all incidents on our
video surveillance equipment. All complaints against
Mr. Fenton are listed below Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Wal-Mart: 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the loorleading to the restrooms.4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her inan official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares..... andwatched what happened.5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag

of M&M's on lay away.6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign toa carpeted area. 7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department. 8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people
just leave me alone?' 9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose. 10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting
department, asked the clerk if he knows where the
anti-depressants are. 11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the " Mission Impossible" theme. 12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his
"Madonna look" using different size funnels. 13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!" 14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO ! NO! It's those voices again!!!!" and last, but not least ...... 15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!" Regards,
Wal-Mart

2006-12-07 14:59:39 · 10 answers · asked by Bad Dog 1

What's at the beginning of eternity
The end of time and space
The beginning of every end
and the end of every race
You've never stumbled over it, but it's between your feet
You've never slept with it, but it's right between your sheets
It's at the beginning and the end of everything that's done
Before you say "I do not know" its already on the tip of your tounge.

2006-12-07 14:58:04 · 16 answers · asked by shadow8602000 1

Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Wal-Mart: 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the loorleading to the restrooms.4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her inan official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares..... andwatched what happened.5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign toa carpeted area. 7. September Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores.

2006-12-07 14:56:42 · 2 answers · asked by Bad Dog 1

The three barnyard animals were talking about how good their owners were. The turkey said it was so nice of farmer Brown to get him so fat with grain now that fall had gotten here.
The Chicken Said that Farmer Jones was given her lots of grain too so she could get big and heavy.
The little pig said That is nothing Farmer Martinez says that when New Years comes he is going to make me Tamales.

2006-12-07 14:50:21 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

They’re used in the statecraft by the wiliest few.
Passing the laws they like; all others they eschew.

They’re present in homes of readers like you,
If you discuss this you will find that it’s true.

Some of these vessels seem built to endure,
While others of them go off unmoored.

In them people are built up or destroyed,
People are appeased or they’re annoyed.

All of us have them, not one lives without.
No man is an island no matter how stout.

Even the phoniest liars have the answer within.
I wrote that last line while withholding a grin.

What is it? First to answer correctly wins ten points.

2006-12-07 14:37:37 · 14 answers · asked by Here_it_is 2

can you put into your own words what the mathetition "Pierre Cartier" did and how it helped us today...? BEST ANSWER 10 PTS!!!
THNX!

2006-12-07 14:28:23 · 4 answers · asked by Charlette 1

yes I am looking for a original gift something that can makes us laugh even more...any ideas

2006-12-07 14:28:08 · 12 answers · asked by Yami 3

2 get chop and diced at the kentucky fried chicken restaurant.

2006-12-07 14:10:16 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

answer of the joke 6 being afraid of 7

2006-12-07 14:05:49 · 43 answers · asked by chryssybrat495 1

the jew-home field advantage

2006-12-07 14:03:07 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Black guy and a Mexican grew up in the same neighborhood together. They were such good friends that they decided to open a resturaunt together. They decided to name it "Nacho Mama".

2006-12-07 14:02:10 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. This blonde is sitting in a canoe and rowing. However, the canoe is planted firmly in her front yard. Another blonde walks by and yells at her saying, "it's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name! If I could swim, I'd come out there and beat you up"!

2. This blonde walks around her neighborhood asking her neighbors if they have any odd jobs she can do to earn some extra cash. One man says that he would like for her to paint his porch and that he will supply 4 cans of paint. The blonde returns 1 hour later, having used 1 can of paint. The man is very confused by this, because it is a huge wrap around porch. He thanks her for her service, and as she leaves, she yells over her shoulder..."Oh yeah, and you should know, it's not a porsche, it's a ferrari."

2006-12-07 13:59:56 · 24 answers · asked by Kate 3

There are only 10 types of people nowadays. those who undertand binary and those who do not.

2006-12-07 13:53:05 · 4 answers · asked by Thomas C 2

a blonde walks into a store and says to the manager "i'd like to buy this t.v." the manager says "sorry, we dont sell to blondes" the blonde leaves angrily, but she really wanted the t.v. so she dies her hair brown and comes back the next day. she asks for the t.v. but again the man says sorry we dont sell to blondes. again, she leaaves angrily. so, the next day she shaves off all of her hair and goes back. when she asks for the t.v. the man again says, sorry we dont sell to blondes. furiously, the blonde yells "HOW DO YOU KNOW IM A BLONDE?????????" and the man says " because thats not a t.v. its a microwave.

2006-12-07 13:47:08 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was this princess who had a magic touch. Whatever she touched would melt into a puddle. And the King wanted her ot marry a brave and smart man who could possess something that she could touch and will not melt. Something that could be hard enough not to melt. So 3 men came. The first man had a hard stone but the princess touched it and it melted. the 2nd man had a diamond thinking that the diamond was the hardest object in the world. She touches the diamond, but sadly it melts. The King almost gives up but the third man has something else. It's in his pocket. The Princess embarrassingly reaches in and feels something and it's hard and did not melt. Everyone was happy and they wed. But what was that she touched that did not melt?

2006-12-07 13:46:37 · 26 answers · asked by Cuddly Lez 6

2006-12-07 13:44:16 · 9 answers · asked by jrivera_e17 2

loves collecting papper from the garabage.
"WHY"

2006-12-07 13:44:13 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2

If you have a match and enter a room in which there are a kerosene lamp, an oil burner, and a wood-burning stove. Which would you light first?

2006-12-07 13:42:48 · 8 answers · asked by captrick20 3

Why was the flaming man arrested?
Cause he had a firearm!

2006-12-07 13:39:25 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Riddle:What is the beg. of time and the end of eternity?

2006-12-07 13:36:46 · 9 answers · asked by Dont ask mary! m 2

1

If a plane crashes in the middle of no where, where are the survivors going to be buried?

2006-12-07 13:36:07 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Who is more annoying, your older borther, your older sister, your younger brother, or your younger sister. And "WHY"

2006-12-07 13:34:24 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

there were 4 men and 3 were lined up the 4th man put a blindfold on everybody except him there were 5 hats 2 white hats and 3 black hats he put one on everybodys head and he ask the last person what color hat do you have on? he said i dont know and then he ask the second person what color hat do you have on? he said i dont know the he asked the first person what color hat he had on he said I KNOW how does the first person know?

2006-12-07 13:33:26 · 5 answers · asked by cutegrl1010 3

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