Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail storm. Huge hail stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it full of dents.

She drove to the body shop and asked what she should do. The body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least $4000 to repair.

She said that was too much and wasn't there some other way to fix it?

The body man decided to have a little fun and said "Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out!"

She decided to give it a try before spending that much money. So she drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when her blonde neighbor came over to visit.

"What are you doing!" she shrieked thinking the worst and thankful that she may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide.

"I'm blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my car" explained the first blonde.

"Well silly, it's not going to work" replied her neighbor.

"Why not"? asked the first blonde.

"Because you've got to roll up the windows first"

2006-12-08 02:32:14 · 34 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

my little sister is like a comedian and she does a skit called little johnnie... and we would like to get as many johnnie jokes as possible feel free to e-mail me also... id love to here any great feedback and the best joke gets you 10 points! :):):):):)

2006-12-08 02:28:33 · 8 answers · asked by tanyamarie23 2

2 decide to fly away. How many are left?

2006-12-08 02:20:55 · 10 answers · asked by Chris 4

2006-12-08 02:20:41 · 6 answers · asked by skimmer 2

Woman: Are you gay?

Man: No, I'm straight.

Woman: How's that possible - I see you mostly hanging out with
men.

Man: Seriously, I dig chics - not buffs.

Woman: So how is that so? I don't see you out there with all the woman. Are you really STRAIGHT?

Man: I am! I'm completely STRAIGHT guy. Really...I am. Usually I do hang out with the chics....but sometimes it's hard to hide the fact that it sticks out most of the time and hardens!

2006-12-08 02:13:18 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

What's 555 + 666?

999!

Becaause Man and The Devil added are the emergency services...
555=humans
666=the devil
999=emergency services

I don't get it?!? 0_o

2006-12-08 02:13:11 · 14 answers · asked by Capt'nBenny 1

In Antarticia, my friend has a house.Each side of the house is a different colour.Red north,blue east,yellow south,green east.If a polar bear was to appear beside the house,what colour would it be?

2006-12-08 02:10:28 · 18 answers · asked by insaneindamainframe 3

2006-12-08 01:51:32 · 5 answers · asked by smokey031591 1

A man told his doctor that he had a problem with sex. "Doc, I'm just too small."


"Which brand of beer do you drink?" asked the doctor.



"Budweiser."


"Ah," said the doctor. "There's your problem. American beer shrinks things. Try Guinness. That makes things grow!"


Two months later, the man returned to the doctor to thank him.


"I take it you're a Guinness drinker now," said the doctor.


"Oh, no, Doc," he replied. "I put the wife on Budweiser!"

2006-12-08 01:51:17 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

They both come in small tots!

2006-12-08 01:42:20 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-08 01:40:39 · 16 answers · asked by freegrounds 1

A puzzle hacker quwstion, it gave only these words, anybody with the answer

2006-12-08 01:38:29 · 5 answers · asked by Ric 1

2006-12-08 01:25:37 · 23 answers · asked by freegrounds 1

A big guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,
> and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must

> be thousands of dollars in it.
>
> He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's up with the jar?"
>
> "Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the
money."
>
> The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three
> tests?"
>
> Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender. So the man gives
> him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. "OK," the
> bartender says. Here's what you need to do:
>
> First - You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the
> whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.
>
> Second, There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth.
> You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
>
> Third. - There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached
> org a sm during inter-course. You've gotta make things right for her."
>
> The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot!
> I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper
> tequila, and then do those other things..."
>
> "Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."
>
> As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he
> asks, Where ez zat tequila?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and
> downs it with a big slurp. Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he
> doesn't make a face.
>
> Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon
> the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside.

> They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull
> yelping and then. ..............silence.
>
> Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back
> into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all
> over his body.
>
> "Now," he says. "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"

2006-12-08 01:23:25 · 20 answers · asked by Rock 2

He has to get a cross a wide river only using a boat to carry himself and one other item over at a time. He cannot leave alone the Fox with the Hen, or the Hen with the grain. How does he get all three things across without swimming?

2006-12-08 01:17:29 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Farting in a public bathroom that amplfiles the sound, OR farting in a public bathroom that amplflies the smell.

2006-12-08 01:12:22 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

Being dirty and having clean clothes OR being clean and having dirty clothes

2006-12-08 00:51:17 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

Im not sure if you all have heard of Russel Peter's, but this guy is hilarious!
copy the link into your browser and see what you think!
http://video.google.co.uk/videoplay?docid=-2579833089500205658&q=russel+peters&pr=goog-sl

2006-12-08 00:43:50 · 3 answers · asked by Farpandaaaaaa 2

2006-12-08 00:38:33 · 5 answers · asked by charo 2

Sending an email to someone, and getting a "Failure Delivery" notice OR Visiting a Web page, and that site being shut down

2006-12-08 00:33:10 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

There are 3 Gold fish with me,
I take care of them daily...
They always swim happy...
They dont die or grow older..
Even i dont attend for an year,they live happy with no one around...
How can this possibly be...?

2006-12-08 00:32:25 · 7 answers · asked by ☺•˚ºo(█?) 2

jehovah's town,
his army are here to stay,
the large penis spud,
sharp pain,
destroyed by the hurricane,
they used to be male,
one who resides on raised ground,
adders on a flat surface.

2006-12-08 00:25:15 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes
in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably
won't remember but you were in a serious accident on the motorway.
You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something
happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your penis was chopped off
in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The bloke groans a bit, but the doctor goes on "But it's going to be
alright, we have the technology now to build you a new one that will
work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it
doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch".

The bloke perks up at this, even though it's a thousand pounds an inch.

"So the thing is" the doctor says, " it's for you to decide how many
inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife.
I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a
nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one
before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she
might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a vital role in
helping you make the decision."

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the
next day. "So" says the doctor "Have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the fellow. "And has she helped you in making the
decision?" "She has," says the bloke."And what is it?" asks the doctor.

The bloke looks up and says "We're having a new kitchen".

2006-12-08 00:24:40 · 9 answers · asked by biggsy 1

what is greater than God, more evil than the devil, the poor have it, the rich need it, and if you eat it you will die

2006-12-08 00:20:58 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Half a dog.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Where you left it.


Where do you find a dog with two legs?
Not far from where you left it.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
You don't. It's cruel.

In tomorrow's lesson we will talk about cats.

2006-12-08 00:18:09 · 16 answers · asked by BravoWon 3

2006-12-08 00:17:55 · 5 answers · asked by Gib 1

leave something here if you do

2006-12-08 00:15:00 · 11 answers · asked by cheergal4 3

2006-12-08 00:10:33 · 14 answers · asked by Gib 1

After working on a cattle station for a couple of months, a mans 2 week break has finally come, so he packs up his swag gets the horse ready and rides into town on Friday. He stays in town for 2 weeks partyin and drinkin then packs his swag gets the horse ready and rides back to the cattle station on the same Friday that he rode in on. How is this possible????

2006-12-08 00:04:39 · 13 answers · asked by bidjaraboy_01 1

If an airplane crashed exactly on the border of France and Germany, where would the survivors be buried?

2006-12-07 23:38:19 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous