friday had a bad week give some good jokes to end my week laughing.?

Answer 1

A dog limps into a saloon and shouts, "I'm looking for the man who shot my Pa!"

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister go into a bar and order drinks. The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this -- some kind of joke?"

A baby seal walks into a club . . .
(Yeah, that one is pretty bad!)

A rope walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender tells him that the bar doesn't serve ropes. The rope walks out quite upset. As he walks down the street, he asks a man to pick him up and separate the strands of one of the ends of the rope. The man doesn't understand why but obliges. After a while, the rope asks a woman on the street to pick him up and tie a pretty bow right in his midsection. Elated, the rope skips back to the bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender asks, "Hey, aren't you the same rope that I refused to serve a little while ago?" The rope looks at the bartender and says, "Nope. I'm a frayed knot."

:-D

Answer 2

The Blonde Wins for Once

Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He
immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he says,
"I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a
conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says
to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear
power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let
me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the
same
stuff -- grass.
Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat
patty,
and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose
that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest
idea"!
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know shi t?"

Answer 3

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Answer 4

Ok. A big black man walks into a bar and walks up to a small white man and takes his drink and says what are you gonna f****** do about it? The white man says i am having the worst f****** day i can think of. This morning my wife says she is leaving me, i go to my job and get fired, i found out someone stole my car. And now when i try to kill myself you drink my damn poison.

Answer 5

Ok. Get these jokes and laugh out loud

Two bats are hanging in their cave. One turns to the other and
says, "Oh, I'm really thirsty for some fresh blood."
The other bat is amazed and says, "Well, it's a bit late. Daylight is
almost here, and we can't be exposed to any light - you know we'll
die." "Yeah, I know," says the first bat, "but I'm really starving for
it."
So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood
dripping from his mouth.
"You lucky thing. Where'd you find blood that quick?" asked the second
bat.
"You see that tree over there in the distance?" mumbled the bat, his
mouth full of blood.
"Yeah, I think I do!"
"Well, I didn't."
____________________________________________________

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a
question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver
screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over
the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and
then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but
you scared the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and
said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could
frighten him so much. The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's
entirely my fault.
Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been
driving a hearse for the last 25 years
____________________________________________________

The Blonde Wins for Once

Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He
immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he says,
"I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a
conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says
to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear
power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let
me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the
same
stuff -- grass.
Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat
patty,
and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose
that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest
idea"!
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know shi t?"
____________________________________________________

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human
Resources
Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived
up in
heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven!" said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in
though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've
never once had a
Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure
what to
do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do
is let
you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose
whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think
I've already made up my mind, and I prefer to stay in Heaven", said
the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..." said St. Peter.
And with that St. Peter put the HR executive in an elevator and it
went
down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself
stepping out
onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance
was a
country club and standing in front of her were all her friends -
fellow
executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in
evening
gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both
cheeks and
they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf
and at
night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak
and
lobster dinner.
She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute)
and she
had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a
good time
that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her
hand and
waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates
where she
found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in
heaven," he said.
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing
the
harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24
hours
were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven.
Now you
must choose your eternity."
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never
thought I'd
say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think
I had a
better time in Hell."
So, St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-
down-down
back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found
herself
standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She
saw her
friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and
putting it
in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand." stammered the woman, "Yesterday I was here and
there
was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we
danced and
had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all
my
friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her, smiled and said:

"Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today you're an Employee!"
____________________________________________________

BYE - Imtiyaz G