Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

A candidate is asked in an interview to tell something about himself and his family

He replies " Sir, I have a family of four, My wife is involved in illicit liquor business. My son he is in jail for a murder case. My daughter only loves pubs, disco and boyfriends."

The inverviewer is shocked he asks, " I have herd for the first time all negative characater in a family is any one positive in your family."

"Sir, I am there HIV positive" replies the candidate

2006-12-07 19:03:18 · 46 answers · asked by stone 4

Jack and Jill lay on the floor, dead, surrounded by broken glass and water.

What are they?

2006-12-07 19:01:34 · 12 answers · asked by shyanne159 1

A Corkman was charged with murder but was acquitted by the skin of his teeth. Afterwards he told his solicitor that he could prove he was innocent because he was in jail at the time the crime was committed.

'Why on earth didn't you tell that to the court?' asked his solicitor.

'I thought that it might prejudice the jury against me', said the Corkman.

2006-12-07 18:57:01 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

Paddy was put in a line-up at the police station on an assault charge.

When the female victim was led in, he shouted: "that's her!"

2006-12-07 18:54:52 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A convicted felon was given ten years without parole in Mount Joy for his latest crime. After 2 years in jail, he managed to escape. His escape was the lead item on the six o'clock news.

Because he had to be careful, he worked his way home taking little travelled routes, running across deserted fields and taking every precaution he could think of.

Eventually he arrived at his house and he rang the bell.

His wife opened the door and bellowed at him, "You good-for-nothing bum! Where the hell have ya been? You escaped over six hours ago."

2006-12-07 18:53:54 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”

“What a coincidence,” he said, “This is a special day for me, I’m celebrating.”

“This is a special day for me, too, and I’m also celebrating!,” says the woman.

“What a coincidence,” says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, “What are you celebrating?”

“My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I’m pregnant!”

“What a coincidence,” says the man. “I’m a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they’re finally laying fertilized eggs.”

“That’s great!” says the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?”

“I switched c ocks,” he replied.

She smiled and said, “What a coincidence!”

2006-12-07 18:46:18 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-07 18:15:45 · 11 answers · asked by yashcoolboy2004 1

iam a thing.
the fishermen love me,
the doctors hates me,kids want to eat me,iam a 13 letter word.
-h-t---i--me-.
do u know?

2006-12-07 18:15:09 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde, redhead and brunette are running from the law..They all hide in potato sacks..the law kicks the first sack and hears "meow" and says thats just a bag full of cats...He kicks the next bag and hears" woof, woof" and says thats just some dog...He kicks the blondes bag and hears "Potato, Potato Potato"....She was in a potato sack...

2006-12-07 18:08:17 · 19 answers · asked by ♥ωέςтєяиΝСģαζ♥ 4

The solution is though correct
2147
3725 *
========
22084429

ind the correct numbers and write them continuously

2006-12-07 18:02:05 · 8 answers · asked by Ric 1

Are you tired of those asinine "friendship" poems with decent intentions, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here's a collection of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused - I will use little words.

7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ****.

Friendship is like pissing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth

do rate it people.

2006-12-07 17:56:36 · 20 answers · asked by whatever 4

Last time, we had this following riddle:

Why did the kid named his dog, Hamlet?
A: Because it was a Great Dane!

Heheh... And here is today's riddle:

Why did the kid take his clock to the vet?

Have fun! :)

2006-12-07 17:43:22 · 6 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

Have you ever wondered about those people who spend $2.00 a
piece on those bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian
backwards: NAIVE. I'm that way sometimes too. My mind
operates a lot like lightning: one brilliant flash and it's
gone.


Another one for u to laugh at


After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved
another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the
director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're
ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed
himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to
dry."

2006-12-07 17:35:05 · 7 answers · asked by Zargor2645 1

Okay, most of you have heard that lovely old English carol, The Twelve Days of Christmas--that one in which Truelove gives, over the twelve days (Dec.25--Jan. 5):
Twelve drummers drumming,
Eleven pipers piping
Ten lords a-leaping,
Nine ladies dancing,
Eight maids a-milking,
Seven swans a-swimming,
Six geese a-laying,
Five gold rings...
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle-doves
and a partridge in a pear tree.

Got it? Good. Here's the challenge:
Write and share with us YOUR version of this old favorite.
Funny or sad, sacred or stupid, ancient or modern, let's see what you Yahooers can come up with!
The usual 10 big points for the best, extra karma points for originality, and let's try and keep the gross ones for another question. (And watch that cat-flinging, too)--
And remember, we ought to be able to sing it!
Take your time, have fun, --Go For It!

2006-12-07 17:31:01 · 10 answers · asked by Palmerpath 7

I go between two buns.
And I give you a little head.
What am I?

2006-12-07 17:02:08 · 13 answers · asked by Jassierra 3

Corny, witty, ironic, silly -- whatever. But hopefully it's not the "What's this fly doing in my soup?" one :)

2006-12-07 16:57:32 · 9 answers · asked by kt42 3

2006-12-07 16:55:22 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

6ULDV8

2006-12-07 16:54:22 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

People use both phrases so is hell fast or is it slow...perhaps it speeds up then slows down.

2006-12-07 16:49:26 · 6 answers · asked by Jaysangl 4

say u were just dismissed from school, u walk out front and students r gathered around a car laughing their eyeballs out, wat would u do ? of course see whats going on, only 2 find out its ur mother turning a trick! wat would u do

2006-12-07 16:49:07 · 5 answers · asked by pretty black 3

A E F H I K L M ...

2006-12-07 16:49:04 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

I go in hard.
I come out soft.
You blow my wad.
What am I?

2006-12-07 16:44:23 · 9 answers · asked by Jassierra 3

it was a cruel joke and he ............................................

2006-12-07 16:29:02 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

Imagine you are in a room with 3 switches. In an adjacent room there are 3 bulbs (all are off at the moment), each switch belongs to one bulb. It is impossible to see from one room to another. How can you find out which switch belongs to which bulb, if you may enter the room with the bulbs only once?

2006-12-07 16:23:55 · 11 answers · asked by marleyanne b 2

You have two ropes. Each rope takes one hour to burn. The ropes are not homogeneous, in other words if you cut the rope in half the two halves will not burn for a half hour each. Create a way to burn a rope for exactly 15 minutes. You can light the ropes as many times as you want and stop the fire as much as you want. But the ropes can only be light from the ends.

Hint: Cutting the ropes will only hurt you seeing as how you will know nothing.

2006-12-07 16:18:40 · 9 answers · asked by jazzman1127 2

..was this just another Communist plot??
..Having ingested the radiactive Polonium..did he at least have a half-life??
If the Tornado had swept over Airdrie instead of London, would it have caused....

a million pounds worth of home improvements?
Personally I find it sad and despicable that people make up jokes about the misfortunes of others..but maybe in the gr8 scheme of things it represents a triumph of the human spirit over adversity and disaster?
PS made them up myself!

2006-12-07 16:18:33 · 11 answers · asked by troothskr 4

This is a real conversation I had at McD's

Cahsier at McDonalds; "Would you like that order for here?"

Me; "No"

Cahsier at McDonalds; "Then would you like it to go?"

Me; (Blank stare)

2006-12-07 16:18:14 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, "Reebok". She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it. Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement." A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock. "I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!" He says, "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS".

2006-12-07 16:14:54 · 18 answers · asked by hey 4

Three people walked by a strip bar they walked in, the first guy licks a 100 dollar bill and slaps it on one side of her butt. The next guy also, licks a 100 dollar bill and slaps it on the other side of her butt. The third guy walks in takes out a credit card swipes it through her butt and takes the 200 dollars.

2006-12-07 15:57:18 · 8 answers · asked by hey 4

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champagne bubble.
If you squeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

Hmm..What could it be? I'm stumped....

2006-12-07 15:55:25 · 16 answers · asked by BAM! 1