Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

My 12 yr old daughter came back from school with this insult

You mom is so fat that when when she walks down the high street it measures 5.4 on the richter scale

2006-12-07 23:37:12 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

Whats the difference between a guy falling from the first floor and one falling from the sixteenth floor?- The first floor guy goes 'Splat, aaaaargh!' and the one falling from the sixteenth floor goes 'Aaaaaaargh, splat!'

2006-12-07 23:37:10 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-07 23:29:50 · 9 answers · asked by Angel 2

what response would u give to that statement

2006-12-07 23:00:31 · 26 answers · asked by snape jnr 2

Doctor and Mechanic

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley Davidson motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come & take a look at his bike.The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?"The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,"So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix' em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic....."Try doing it with the engine running!"

BYE - Imtiyaz G

2006-12-07 22:46:15 · 13 answers · asked by Imtiyaz G 4

A riddle!

I have a LION, a GOAT and a load of GREEN GRASS.

I am at the bank of a wide and deep river, with a Lion, a Goat and load of green grass. The three lots are hungry, but cannot take the food in my presence. In fact, its only my presence which prevents the lion from eating the goat, and the goat from eating the green grass. Left alone together, the goat will be eaten by the lion, and, if the goat is left with the grass, the grass will be eaten by the goat. Hence, I have a problem. A big problem!

Now, I want to take all three to the other side of the river. Unfortunately, the only available boat at the river is one which is too small to accommodate more than one item/animal plus myself, at one time.

How can I mange to take all three to the other side of the river, safely, without risking leaving the lion with the goat alone behind, or the goat with the grass alone, behind? Advise, please!

2006-12-07 22:37:18 · 13 answers · asked by Ebby 6

if u want gd jokes txt 07999440657 and use the word hi david its my m8 he doesnt no lol

2006-12-07 22:32:51 · 4 answers · asked by jonny_efc_2006 1

2006-12-07 22:26:46 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf.
He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a
birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored
his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been
in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and
that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up
he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his
best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of
More holes before heading to the hospital.

He ended up playing all eighteen of course,
finishing his round shooting a personal best 61,
shattering the club record by five strokes and beating
his previous best game by more than 10.
He was jubilant.... then he remembered his wife.

Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital.
He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked
about his wife's condition.



The doctor glared at him and shouted,
"You went ahead and finished your round
of golf didn't you!? I hope you're proud of
yourself! While you were out for the past four
hours enjoying yourself at the country club your
wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as
well you went ahead and finished that round because
it will be more than likely your last! For the rest
of her life she will require 'round the clock' care.
And you'll be her care giver!"



The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.



The doctor snickered and said, "I'm just messing with ya.
She's dead. What'd you shoot?"

2006-12-07 22:24:46 · 15 answers · asked by hhfe 2

Alexander Graham Bell spoke down the phone to his assistant, Thomas Watsonwith the words 'Come here, Watson, I want you' - which made Watson somewhat regret dialing an 0800 number.

2006-12-07 22:23:58 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

a motorway and a prostitute? One knackers your tyres, and the other tires your knackers !!!!!!!!!

2006-12-07 22:18:50 · 10 answers · asked by Shredder 6

This morning on I- 40, I looked over to my
left and there was a
woman

in a brand new

Cadillac

doing 65 mph

with her
face up next to her

rear view mirror

putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away

for a couple seconds
and when I looked back she was
halfway over in my lane,
still working on that makeup.

As a man,

I don't scare easily.

But she scared me so much;
I dropped
my electric shaver,
which knocked
the donut
out of my other hand.

In all
the confusion of trying
to straighten out the car
using my knees against
the steering wheel,
it knocked

my cell phone
away from my ear
which fell
into the coffee
between my legs,
splashed,
and burned
Big Jim and the Twins,
ruined the damn phone,
soaked my trousers,
and disconnected an
important call.

.

Damn WOMEN drivers !

2006-12-07 22:12:15 · 14 answers · asked by Tabor 4

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical
malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and
communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's
position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten
sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM
I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large
sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A
HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer
to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE
IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position in Seatle.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because,
similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely
useless answer."

2006-12-07 22:09:43 · 11 answers · asked by Tabor 4

2006-12-07 22:09:25 · 13 answers · asked by craziemess 1

is chaseing a truck, she keep peepin her horn but the truck driver ignores her, finally at a service station she catches up with the truck driver and said " i was only trying to tell you tha you are loseing you load" the truck driver replies " madam i am the gritter driver" btw im blond

2006-12-07 21:57:52 · 11 answers · asked by Sue C 2

A Yorkshireman wakes up one morning and turns to his wife and says.

“Get outta bed and go an mek me breakfast”

His wife replies “I cant love, me legs ave seized up and I cant move”

So he rings the doctor. “Me wife ses her legs ave seized up and she cant move”

Doctor says, “Has she got the coil in?”

“No she ant got coil in. She as to mek breakfast first”

2006-12-07 21:56:30 · 19 answers · asked by leedsmikey 6

Here is it:

EXIT
LEG

its doing my head in!

2006-12-07 21:53:01 · 3 answers · asked by Zeb Zeb Zeb 2

2006-12-07 21:30:39 · 24 answers · asked by TastelessFish 3

Okay. There was a woman who had a pretty serious smoking habit, but the building she worked at just recently banned smoking. So she stepped outside but it was raining and she couldn't get her cigarette to stay lit. However, she noticed another woman smoking just fine...but she had some weird contraption on the end of her cigarette. "What is that thing?" -"This? It's a condom...it keeps the rain off the cigarette. Works great, you should try it!"
So our woman walks into the drugstore, and says "Yeah, I need a condom, quick." Pharmacist says, "Well hun, what size?". Woman says "...It's gotta be big enough to fit a camel."

2006-12-07 21:23:37 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

The person that sends the best joke!! rudder the better!!

2006-12-07 21:23:29 · 20 answers · asked by Cap10kirk 3

where does all the light go in a room when you flick the switch off ?

2006-12-07 21:16:28 · 16 answers · asked by Shredder 6

2006-12-07 21:11:29 · 34 answers · asked by Electric 7

2006-12-07 21:04:23 · 14 answers · asked by vaibhao 1

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me.

She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember." The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon.

Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."

"Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday... ...and there on the couch I sat... naked !!!

2006-12-07 21:04:18 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

why dogs sniff each others a**e holes ? Is it to find a better one !!!!!!!

2006-12-07 20:50:45 · 15 answers · asked by Shredder 6

i'm stuck on a riddle!! the clue is Vehicle Recovery - what is the sweet/confectionary?

2006-12-07 20:17:19 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-07 20:02:42 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Once..........

2006-12-07 19:37:13 · 30 answers · asked by grinny 2

2006-12-07 19:18:42 · 24 answers · asked by police 6

A bird takes one hour to fly from point A to point B with clear skies.

Why does it take two hours when it rains?

2006-12-07 19:06:49 · 18 answers · asked by shyanne159 1