What's your all-time favorite joke?

Question

Corny, witty, ironic, silly -- whatever. But hopefully it's not the "What's this fly doing in my soup?" one :)

Answer 1

A man goes to the top of a huge skyscraper where there is a bar. He walks up to the bartender, orders a drink, and relaxes for a moment.

But then, a second man comes up to the bar, orders a shot, downs it, and takes a running leap off the side of the building. But instead of falling, he floats in midair for a few seconds and then gently floats back down to the skyscraper.

Completely amazed by the stunt, the first guy walks up to the man and says, "That was amazing! How on earth did you do that?"

The guy smiles and says, "Well, the wind currents are so strong at this altitude that you can float on them and not fall."

The first guy grins and says, "Wow, I wanna try that!"

So he goes back to the bar, orders a shot, downs it, and takes a running leap off the side of the building. But instead of floating in midair, he falls to his death.

The second man goes back to the bar, smiling to himself haughtily. The bartender, having witnessed the whole ordeal, shakes his head and says, "You know, you are a real jerk when you drink, Superman."

Answer 2

How are you doing?
A lone tourist who is passing through the suburbs on the way to town by car, unfortunately experiences mechanical problems with the automobile. The car stalls and the tourist parks the car by the side of the road and waits for help.

Not much later, a farmer happens to pass by with a truck full of farm animals. The farmer offers the tourist a lift to town and proceeds to explain that he is bringing his farm animals to the town market, where they will be auctioned off to the highest bidders.

Well, it so happens that on the way to the town, the farmer being so engrossed in his story, unintentionally wanders into the other side of road where another vehicle is approaching in the other direction.

The farmer realizes his absent mindness and attempts to avoid the possible collision with the other vehicle. He just misses the other car, but unfortunately crashes the truck into the side of the road. The tourist winds up thrown into a ditch and suffers broken ribs and a broken arm and leg and is obviously in extreme pain. The farm animals are all messed up very badly and the farmer, although remaining inside the vehicle, still suffers cuts and scrapes.

The farmer gets out of the truck and looks at his farm animals.

The chickens all have broken limbs and can barely move. "These chickens are all useless! Nobody will want to buy these chickens anymore!" bellows the farmer. With that, he grabs and loads his shotgun and blows away the chickens.

Next, he sees the pigs and they are all lame and bleeding profusely. "These pigs are all worthless now! I'll get nothing for them!" yells the farmer. With great rage, the farmer reloads his shotgun and blows away the pigs.

The farmer looks at the sheep and they all have broken limbs and their wool is all bloodied. "Worthless sheep!" screams the farmer and with that, he reloads his shotgun and blows away the sheep.

Meanwhile, the injured tourist witnesses all of this carnage in great horror.

The farmer then moves over to the side of the ditch and looks at the tourist. "Are you okay down there?" asked the farmer.

"NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!" the tourist yelled back.

Answer 3

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse orders a scotch, gulps it down and slams the glass on the bar. He turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders two shots of bourbon, slams them down and nearly breaks the glasses on the bar. He turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this BS. I gotta go home and screw the cat."

Answer 4

your second one ive heard earlier than however with, grass and a snake rather of a automobile and storage. however its nonetheless well! A fellow was once agony from constipation, so his medical professional perscribed suppositories. A week later he was once again on the medical professional's complaining his constipation had gotten worse, no longer greater. The medical professional requested "Have you been taking the suppositories most of the time?" "What do you suppose I've been doing," stated the guy, "Shoving them up my ***?" An historical guy is going to the medical professional for his annually bodily, his spouse tagging alongside. When the medical professional enters the exam room, he tells the historical guy, "I want a urine pattern, a stool pattern and a sperm pattern." The historical guy, being difficult of listening to, appears at his spouse and yells: "WHAT?" "What did he say? What's he desire?" His spouse yells again, "He demands your undies." "Your ingesting is establishing to force your peers and household clear of you, making you want you'll suggestion of it so much prior." those i suppose are beautiful humorous. lol wish you favor them!

Answer 5

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

Answer 6

A mushroom walks into a bar. The barkeeper says "Get out of here, we don't serve your kind." Mushroom says "Why not, I'm a fungi"

Answer 7

Two men walked into a pub, You'd think one of em woulda seen it.

Answer 8

I just heard this one recently:

A guy goes in an adult book store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"

Customer says, "Female."

Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"

Customer says, "White."

Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"

Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"

Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up"

Answer 9

trying to swim