Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

4 nuns die and go to heaven. at the peraly gates Saint peter stops them. 'before you enter heaven you must be completly pure' he says. 'sister mary' 'have you ever had contact with a mans penis?' i must confess i have says sister maryi once saw a mans penis. wash your eyes out with this holy water, and pass into heaven.now sister martha have you ever had the slightest contact with a mans penisi must confess that i have says sister martha, i once stroked a mans penis with my hand, wash your hand in this holy water and pass into heavensays saint peter. but b4 he can get any further the other 2 nuns have started pushing and scufling there is room for all in the kingdom of god what is the meaning this unseemly scufflinhg? if im going to have to gargle with that holy water says the fourth nun i want to get to it b4 sister catherine stick it up her fat ***

2006-12-08 08:32:51 · 11 answers · asked by amethyst2 4

2006-12-08 08:32:26 · 2 answers · asked by Mike H 2

Early one morning, the milkman was doing his rounds. He stopped at a house to ask for his monthly fee, only to find a small boy at the door slurping from a beer bottle, smoking a Havana cigar, and with his arm around what appeared to be a call-girl. Surprised, the milkman asked the boy if his parents were home. "Does it look like it?"

2006-12-08 08:31:07 · 21 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Here is the sentences and you need to have find two animals.

1. The new car I bought stands out in a crowd.

2.The new set of china bowls arrived yesterday in a large wooden crate.

GOOD LUCK

2006-12-08 08:27:20 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man stood on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no cars passed. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car come towards him and stop. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door to realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car started slowly. The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Scared, he started praying, and begged for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time before a curve. The guy gathered strength, got out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he ran into a cantina and asked for two shots of tequila, and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and wasn't drunk. About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same cantina, and one said to the other. "Look Pepe, that's the character who climbed into the car while we were pushing."

2006-12-08 08:25:20 · 21 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Opps! I 4got it sorry!

2006-12-08 08:23:17 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream...when his mother enters the kitchen She says, "Put that away Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."

Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."

Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"

He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy."

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"

Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."

Figuring that she can easily control the situation...Mom goes upstairs.

Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

His mother raises up and says, "What do I do now?"

In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your *** downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"

2006-12-08 08:22:54 · 30 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what's worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why. The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations. The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up late. He will tell Johnny a lie so big that he will never tell another one. Ever.

The next day, Johnny shows up 2 hours late. Johnny says, "I was 2 hours early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school. I caught a 17-pound trout and had to take it home. If I didn't clean it and freeze it, my mom would've been angry. That's why I'm so late".

The teacher promptly takes him to the principal's office and explains the story to the principal.

The principal tells Johnny about his own trip to school that day. He says, "I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something behind me. I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me. He was 24 feet tall and had 6-inch fangs. He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear. The little dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me. What do you think of that, Johnny?"

Johnny replies, "Oh yeah, that's my dog Sparky. That's his third bear this week."

2006-12-08 08:16:50 · 21 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at a business function. He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping - Love you!!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, THAT!...Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she
tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, *****, I'm
married!!!".

Broken table - £585.26
Hot breakfast - £42.20
Red Roses - £35.00
Two aspirins - £8.00
Saying the right thing, at the right time... Priceless

2006-12-08 08:15:26 · 21 answers · asked by My avatar's shoes suck..... 2

arrange the letters in new door to make exactly one word.

2006-12-08 08:13:15 · 5 answers · asked by southpaw1416 2

A man left home running. He ran a ways and then turned left, ran the same distance and turned left again, ran the same distance and turned left again. When he got home there were two masked men. Who were they?

2006-12-08 08:12:35 · 8 answers · asked by Jordan B 3

A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."

2006-12-08 08:11:58 · 34 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

he thought Mahogany was new years eve!

2006-12-08 08:06:18 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-08 08:04:32 · 10 answers · asked by hkellldldkcjj 2

How did Mark legally marry three women in Michigan, without divorcing any of them, becoming legally separated, or any of them dying?

2006-12-08 08:02:32 · 13 answers · asked by southpaw1416 2

One day an 85-year-old man is taking a stroll around his hometown, which he has lived in for his whole life. As he sees the landmarks, homes, and streets from his youth, he starts reminiscing...

"I remember helping build that bridge when I was 25. I worked hard on that. But people won't call you 'the bridge builder' if you do that here. No, no, they don't!"

"I remember building that house over there when I was 30. But people won't call you 'the house builder' if you do that. No, no they don't!"

"I remember building that tavern that I still lounge at when I was 35. If you do that people won't call you 'the tavern builder' either. They sure won't!"

"But if you f**k one goat..."

2006-12-08 08:01:47 · 17 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

look at the verse then when you think you know it repeat it quickly out loud without reading it. No cheating.

I'm not a pheasant plucker,
I'm a pheasant pluckers son,
and i'll be plucking pheasants,
'till the pheasant plucker comes.

2006-12-08 07:57:47 · 23 answers · asked by st.abbs 5

the one who makes it , sells it.
the one who buys it doesn't use it.
the one that uses it doesn't know he's using it.
what is it?

2006-12-08 07:55:41 · 6 answers · asked by southpaw1416 2

2006-12-08 07:55:08 · 6 answers · asked by Ryan 2

im going to a white elephant gift exchange...i have a couple ideas, but whats the funniest gift youve received or given??

2006-12-08 07:51:58 · 6 answers · asked by sidah04 1

What bleeds for a week and dosen't die ? A woman !!!!! If you know me by now you wiil know I am immune from anything that you say so don't bother with the abuse !!!!!!!

2006-12-08 07:51:14 · 18 answers · asked by Shredder 6

paddy was sat on a plane next to a priest, paddy orders a rum and coke. the flight attendant asks the priest would u like a drink? the priest answers id rather be raped by a thousand whores than let alcohol pass my lips. paddy passes his drink back and says- so would i. i didnt know we had a choice. lol

2006-12-08 07:50:45 · 12 answers · asked by haze 2

Four guys were telling stories in a bar. One guy leaves to go to the restroom. Three guys are left... The first guy says, "I was worried that my son was going to be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a realtor. Turns out HE got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday."
The third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. MY son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. Well, HE got a break, they made HIM a broker, and now he owns the brokerage firm. In fact, he's so rich that he just gave HIS best friend $1 million in stock for his birthday."
The fourth guy comes back from the restroom. The first three explain that they are telling stories about their kids so he says, "Well, I'm embarrassed to admit that my son IS a major disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact I just found out that he's gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But I try to look at the bright side, his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house and $1 million in stock for his birthday."

2006-12-08 07:34:03 · 13 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

You are driving a train onto which 4 people get on at the 1st station at the 2nd station 6 get on and three get off, at the 3rd station 7 get on but 3 get off.....Whats the name of the driver.?

2006-12-08 07:32:41 · 15 answers · asked by Loo 4

2006-12-08 07:32:35 · 7 answers · asked by virgo_07 2

A man and his wife are driving, the car suddenly breaks down and he tells his wife that he's going for help and she's not to open the door for anyone.

When he returns he finds his wife dead and a total stranger in the car...

She never uponed the doors and the car windows were not broken...

10 points for the 1st correct answerer.

2006-12-08 07:30:38 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

in ur dream u were on a tallll tree it had three coconuts.and u were surrounded with water containing 20 crocodiles.what would u do?

2006-12-08 07:26:45 · 7 answers · asked by anuja 1

2006-12-08 07:23:38 · 28 answers · asked by bigrab2458 1

popcorn ^_^ hehe... harmless little joke for you guys =]

2006-12-08 07:21:10 · 13 answers · asked by rugggy j 1

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing,
Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..

Up to 80. "I want the car, too," he continues.

85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph,The wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."

2006-12-08 07:20:42 · 15 answers · asked by iNn0c3nt 3