Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

Paris Hilton went to a smart person convension???(1st to get it right gets 10 points)

2006-12-08 14:17:40 · 5 answers · asked by Tonks 2

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Myer hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)

On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."(as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet,eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one: On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

2006-12-08 14:14:08 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh*t..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom.

What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
Say, "Nice dick."

How do you know you're leading a sad life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."

Are birth control pills deductible?
Only if they don't work.

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts.

What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
Miracle Whip.

2006-12-08 14:12:14 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why is it that you can sue cigarette companies for causing cancer& sue McDonalds for making you fat BUT you can't sue Budweiser for all the ugly people you screwed????

2006-12-08 14:11:09 · 9 answers · asked by dawn 5

What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

2006-12-08 14:10:37 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' ? It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

2006-12-08 14:06:32 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is the one universal lanuage word that represent an object that everybody in the world that can understand, even traders?

2006-12-08 13:58:59 · 16 answers · asked by BullShit Man 1

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."

On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.

On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Screw me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.

"Who are you?" the man asked.

"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"

2006-12-08 13:50:35 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

He did it now singing some rap! Check this out! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F0Ho_5y61Pw

2006-12-08 13:50:22 · 2 answers · asked by I HATE AMERICAN CRIMINALS 1

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

2006-12-08 13:48:00 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young lady stops by her grandmother's house on the way to a dance. She wants to introduce her boy friend to her grandmother. As they are chatting, her boy friend spies some peanuts on the coffee table. He begins munching on them as they converse.

After about an hour, they are getting ready to leave and he thanks the grandmother for her hospitality and especially for the peanuts.

"Oh, your welcome young man," she says. "I appreciate you finishing them up. Ever since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off of them."

2006-12-08 13:44:34 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman is sitting by a beach, but she has no arms and no legs. A man jogs by and the woman says "I am so lonely. Will you please kiss me?" The man, feeling bad for her, complies and kisses her.
The next day he jogs by her again, she says "I am still so lonely. Will you go down on me?" Again, he feels bad for her, so he goes ahead and does it.
The next day he yet again jogs by her. She says "I am still so so lonely. Will you f*uck me? The man says yes, picks her up, and tosses her into the ocean and says "Now you're f*ucked!"

2006-12-08 13:42:25 · 14 answers · asked by Borat#2 1

Twas the night before christmas and in the back of the house
I had the neighbors daughter half way out of her blouse,
Her stockings were thrown in the middle of the floor and her
panties were laying just outside the door.


Her parents were all snuggled up in their bed with fantasies of
kinky sex running wild in their heads.
Me with their daughter laying flat on her back and just settleing
in to that tight little crack.


When out in the street I heard such a clatter but I wasnt pulling
out I dont care what was the matter. I jumped from the bed with
her still impaled, looked out the window and thought , what the
hell


There in the snow stood my mother inlaw with eight of my
children, We were seen by all.
Now its christmas morning and i am quit as a mouse, I let my
mother inlaw have the run of the house.
The kids are runnin round with **** eating grins cause they know
they dont have to worry about ole dad ever again

2006-12-08 13:30:13 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

DO-RE-MI BEER, by Homer J. Simpson.

DOUGH... the stuff... that buys me beer...
RAY ..... the guy that sells me beer...
ME...... the guy...who drinks the beer,
FAR..... the distance to my beer.
SO...... I think I'll have a beer.
LA...... La, la la la la beer
TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...
That will bring us back to...

(Looks into an empty glass)

D'OH!

2006-12-08 13:28:19 · 4 answers · asked by delphinuz 3

ok so the one who gets it right and explains it the best gets best answer....

this one is gonna require some math so i hope your smart...

a cat falls down a 50ft well
every day, he jumps up 3ft and slides down 2ft
at this rate, how many days does it take the cat to get out of the well?

well i will just see who gets it correct

2006-12-08 13:20:05 · 23 answers · asked by Chelsii 2

1st :
One day there was a big lady swimming at the beach when she noticed that she had lost her top. She thought that no one would notice if she covered herself with her arms and walked overto her towel. Then a little girl came running up to her.
"If you're going to drown those puppies, at least let me have the one with the cute little pink nose."

2nd:
husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the woman asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"
The man said, "No dear."

The woman said, "I'm sure you would."

So the man said, "Okay, I would"

Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"

And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so."

Then the woman asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"

And the man replied, "No, she's left handed."

and if you are lvl 2, please rate the THUMBS UP or THUMBS DOWN please....

Its at the bottom of the the question..
THANKS

2006-12-08 13:12:09 · 15 answers · asked by Coolkid81 3

2006-12-08 13:05:10 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is similar between Kansas and Paris Hilton?

2006-12-08 13:01:17 · 4 answers · asked by Jassierra 3

An old farmer died and left 17 cows to his three sons. In his will, the farmer stated that his oldest son should get 1/2, his middle son should get 1/3, and his youngest son should get 1/9 of all the cows. The sons, who did not want to end up with half cows, sat for days trying to figure out how many cows each of them should get.

One day, their neighbour came by to see how they were doing after their father's death. The three sons told him their problem. After thinking for a while, the neighbour said: "I'll be right back!" He went away, and when he came back, the three sons could divide the cows according to their father's will, and in such a way that each of them got a whole number of cows.

What was the neighbour's solution?




http://www.herowar.com/recruit.phtml?id=11496

2006-12-08 12:58:31 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do you give the man who has everything for his birthday?

2006-12-08 12:54:17 · 11 answers · asked by Jassierra 3

please answer in a rhym if you have the time. :-)

2006-12-08 12:48:32 · 13 answers · asked by Mad Dog Johnson 4

a silver boat on a plastic ocean under the melting sun----

who is the insane empress ?

2006-12-08 12:46:31 · 12 answers · asked by Fiamanillah 3

Christmas Wishes
Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gifts he requests."

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake-up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage. When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"Johnny replied,"I think I got a dog but I can't find the damn thing!"

2006-12-08 12:46:15 · 17 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

Answer right and get 10 easy points.

2006-12-08 12:41:19 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?

2006-12-08 12:38:12 · 9 answers · asked by Jassierra 3

Because if they didnt they would leave that like snail trail everywhere they went!

2006-12-08 12:34:08 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man throws a halloween party. His doorbell rings, and he answers it. Standing there is his best friend, wearing only his jeans.

"I thought you were gonna dress up for my party!" says the host.

"I did" says the friend.

"Ok then, what are you?" asks the host.

His friend answers. "A premature ejaculation. I just came in my pants!"

2006-12-08 12:28:03 · 11 answers · asked by Raidered81 3

this kid i sjoking around with me and calls me cheese( long story/ inside joke) i told him i would come back with a come back that would leave him speechless! He is hispanic so anything goes! Thnks for your help guys!!!!!!!!!! best answer gets 10 pts !!!!!!!

2006-12-08 12:26:34 · 20 answers · asked by abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz 3

I recived this e-mail from my sister today and laughed my butt off, What do you think?

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,
right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,
and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have
mercy!

I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's
against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of
us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely
not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of
her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now.
That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

2006-12-08 12:26:19 · 12 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

What is the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

2006-12-08 12:24:30 · 12 answers · asked by Jassierra 3