Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

2006-12-09 01:16:21 · 3 answers · asked by Aaron B 3

there is this lazy guy and he can't be bothered to go to work anymore, so he has a clone made of himself which he sends to work while he stays in bed all day.

the clone however keeps sexually harassing the women and touching them up and by the end of the week has got the sack.

the guy is really annoyed with this so he takes the clone to the top of a building and pushes it off the edge to its death.

the cops arrive and he is arrested and then charged with making obscene clones fall.

2006-12-09 01:08:13 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Until very recently I always said 'Chyles' until a lady in a shop laughed hysterically at me! But 'Charrrrrls' just sounds too posh. So how do you say it?

2006-12-09 01:07:36 · 15 answers · asked by The Claw is my master 2

if u enjoy this one or not, tell me.thats the Q..:)

A 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was badly broken anyway. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

2006-12-09 01:03:43 · 9 answers · asked by ♣valentine melons♣ 4

obviously apart from asking a question on YA! lol..... closest answer gets the 10 points

2006-12-09 01:01:43 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

from chappelle's show

2006-12-09 00:58:46 · 5 answers · asked by Jay 2

Phillip fancied himself quite a ladies man, so when his cruise ship went down in a storm and he found himself stranded on a desert island with six women, he couldn't believe his good fortune. They quickly agreed that each woman would have one night a week with the only man.
Phillip threw himself into the arrangement with gusto, working even on his day off, but as the weeks stretched into months, he found himself looking forward to that day of rest more and more eagerly.
One afternoon he was sitting on the beach and wishing for some more men to share his duties when he caught sight of a man waving from a life raft that was bobbing on the waves. Phillip swam out, pulled the raft to shore, and did a little jig of happiness. "You can't believe how happy I am to see you," he cried.
The new fellow eyed him up and down and cooed, "You're a sight for sore eyes, too, you gorgeous thing!"

2006-12-09 00:55:43 · 37 answers · asked by Pd 6

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been (sexually) with a woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. "What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman," he says. "But if it's anything like scre*wing a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"

2006-12-09 00:41:19 · 25 answers · asked by Pd 6

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you
must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into
heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said, "you may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the
man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those
symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols."

2006-12-09 00:41:13 · 20 answers · asked by Freakgirl 7

The testicle brothers.

"Don't mess with us...we're nuts!!"

2006-12-09 00:37:41 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me.

I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.

He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then............",

he sighed, ....."Let's put all these frosties back in the box

2006-12-09 00:36:07 · 32 answers · asked by Gary 3

2006-12-09 00:33:53 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

On the day of the wedding, Sophie was getting dressed,and she suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes.
Panic!
Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sophie's feet were agony. When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off. The rest of the Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say 'God,that was tight.'
'There,' whispered the mother. 'I told you she was a virgin.'
Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. 'Right. Now for the other one.'
Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said. 'My God. That was even tighter.' 'That's my boy,' said the Dad, 'Once a sailor, always a sailor.'

2006-12-09 00:33:41 · 13 answers · asked by Pd 6

Paddy joins the British army. However thing go wrong right from the off. During training he’s always the one picked on, always doing square bashing. He was getting really p1ssed off, so he says to his mate. “If that sergeant takes the p1ss out of me again I’m going to f*ck him”. ‘Oh yeah!’ says his mate ‘how the f*ck you gonna do that?’ “Well I got this plan see,” says Paddy, “he keeps smacking me around the head, so the next time he does that I’ll have two live hand grenades in my hands, when he hits me around my head they’ll blow his f*cking hands off”

2006-12-09 00:24:41 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

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2006-12-09 00:11:34 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A train one mile long, traveling at one mile per minute, enters a mile long tunnel. How long does it take to go through the tunnel?

2006-12-09 00:06:45 · 18 answers · asked by area52 6

Yo mama's so hairy even Bigfoot takes pictures.
Yo mama's so stupid,i told her it was chilly outside and she went to get a bowl.

2006-12-09 00:01:39 · 15 answers · asked by ? 2

2006-12-08 23:44:24 · 35 answers · asked by mahesh m 2

2006-12-08 23:42:20 · 15 answers · asked by mahesh m 2

2006-12-08 23:41:06 · 15 answers · asked by area52 6

I just wanna say in advance, I'm not trying to be offensive or Anti-Christ or something... IN FACT, I'M CATHOLIC!!! I just thought you might want a good laugh... Enjoy!

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One day, Jesus brought his apostles to a place in Galilee. He said to them, "Get a big stone." Everyone got a big stone except Judas. He got a pebble. Jesus said, "I'll make this your food. Now go get a small rock." irritated, Judas got a huge stone while everyone else got a pebble. Then Jesus said, "Throw it as far as you can. I'll make that your land. Now go get two rocks." Some people got two big rocks, some people got two small rocks, and some people got two rocks sized just right. But Judas was extremely annoyed and got one big rock and one small rock. Then Jesus said "I'll make those your balls." :)

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Again, I'm not trying to offend anyone. I just thought you might want a good laugh...

2006-12-08 23:14:45 · 9 answers · asked by xXanythingbutinnocentXx 2

they said yeah a bucket of sand and a security guard

2006-12-08 22:48:03 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Now why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time?
When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"
"Is it suede?"
"I am suede! The whole thing is suede! I can't have this cleaned...It's all I got!"

2006-12-08 22:42:18 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two elephants went to bus stop to go to Trichy from Chennai; But only one elephant boarded the bus. Why?

2006-12-08 22:17:38 · 18 answers · asked by Meera 3

Hobbity-haired Elijah Wood likes nothing more than relaxing in front of an open fire picking stuff off his pet labrador's belly, rolling it into little pellets and throwing them out of his window. The mound of dog hair is now so tall and sweaty, it has caused Jennifer Lopez's tomatoes to wilt.

2006-12-08 22:05:33 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

It was at the war and there was a camp site where a doctors helped injured soldiers. One soldier comes in the door and holds his arm. The doctor says "You got shot in the arm?" He says yes. Then another soldier walks in the door and holding his shoulder. The doctor says "You got shot in the shoulder?" He says yes. Then another soldier walks in the door and was dragging his left leg across the floor. The doctor says "You got shot in your leg?" The soldier says "No, I stepped on dog shhhttt."

2006-12-08 21:49:08 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

1: my first is first of first my second and third are two zeros my last is first of last people donot call me wise do you know what i am?

2:What do you have to add to 9 to make 6

4: Mr & Mrs gill have seven daughters each daughter has one brow many people r in the gill family

5: a lawyer pleading a case said to judge
"your hounour take pity on the accused he is the only son of his parents and my only brother"
whats the relation between the lawyer and accused?

6:which common english word is always pronounced incorrectly?

2006-12-08 21:29:47 · 9 answers · asked by Hermione 3

A secret Christmas message in the following letters:
A, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, i, j, k,
m, n, o, p, q, r, s, t , u, v,
w, x, y, z.... can you find it..?

2006-12-08 21:28:26 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-08 21:24:20 · 6 answers · asked by Heath rock god 1

a joke.funny?u decide.
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terribly, doctor, terribly."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

2006-12-08 21:15:35 · 23 answers · asked by ♣valentine melons♣ 4