Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

What is broken every time it's spoken?

2006-12-09 06:50:18 · 16 answers · asked by googleh20 2

a man scanned the guests at a party and saw an attractive women standing alone.He approached her and asked her name.
"My name is Carmen" she told him
"thats a beautiful name" he said, "is it a family name".
"no i gave it myself" she replied," it reflects the things i like most in life, cars and men"
"whats your name" she asked

"Beertits" came the reply

2006-12-09 06:49:39 · 32 answers · asked by chris w. 7

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

2006-12-09 06:41:44 · 22 answers · asked by chris b 4

I want like a picture of simpsons for my avatar but how do i get it??
I want it from google or yahoo and i need it to be the avatar?? HOW??

2006-12-09 06:41:32 · 6 answers · asked by Coolkid81 3

2006-12-09 06:31:21 · 8 answers · asked by cutie 1995 1

I know what i want but what do you want.

2006-12-09 06:30:47 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Don't pay her."

2006-12-09 06:29:44 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A farmer owned a beautiful pear tree. He supplies the fruit to a nearby grocery store. The store owner has called the farmer to see how much fruit is available for him to purchase. The farmer knows that the main trunk has 24 branches. Each branch has exactly 12 boughs and each bough has exactly 6 twigs. Since each twig bears one piece of fruit, how many plums will the farmer be able to deliver?

2006-12-09 06:22:28 · 33 answers · asked by googleh20 2

♥♥i wrote hiiz name in the sand but the waves washed iit away ii wrote hiz name on my hand but ii washed iit away the next day i wote hiz name on a paper but i acidentaly threw iit away So i whrote hiz name on my heart and forever iit wiil staY♥♥

2006-12-09 06:21:13 · 12 answers · asked by °(¯`v´¯)°MARY°(¯`v´¯)° 2

Okay, imagine this! you are in bed sleeping then this horror killer jumps through the window and starts stabbing you with his knife. then cuts all of the electric cords in the whole town PLUS the neighboring towns. Then he breaks all of the technology in your house. what would u do?
i will put what i would
>
>
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I would grab a knife and try to fight him. If this doesn't work i would run away from my house

2006-12-09 06:11:18 · 6 answers · asked by Grammar B*@%h 4

What sport has four letters and begins with a "T" and is viewed by millions.

2006-12-09 06:02:37 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, answered, "Yes ma'am, ya see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete outfit " Well, her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would he like to start? "Well ma'am, "How about a suit?" "Yes sir, what size?" "Size 53 tall, ma'am." "Wow, that's really big." "Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas." "What's next?" she asked. He replied, "How about some shoes." "What size?" "Size 15 double D." "Wow, that's really big!" "Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas." "What's next?" "Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt." "Yes sir, what size?" "Nineteen and a half- 38," he replied. "Wow, that's really big!" "Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas." She virtually glowed as she asked, "Whew ... is there anything else I can do for you?" "No ma'am, I reckon that will be all.” Well she tallied up his bill while the Texan was counting out his money. She asked, "Sir could I ask you a question?" "Yes ma'am, I already know what it is and the answer is four inches." She is astonished and blurts out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!" Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied," Across ma'am?"

2006-12-09 05:45:10 · 11 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

5 people were stuck in a plane which was about to crash and had just 4 parachutes. The first person grabbed a parachute and said," I'm Ronaldinho. I'm the best footballer in the world. I can't die for my fans!" And he jumped off.
The second person said, " I'm Hillary Clinton. Im the wife of one of America's most successful Presidents, therefore I have a good chance of being one in the future. I can't die!" And she grabbed a parachute too and jumped off.
The 3rd person said. "I'm George Bush. I'm the smartest President of America. I have lots to do. I can't die!" So he grabbed a pack and jumped out.
Now two people were left. One was the Pope and one was a school boy. The Pope said," Child, I'm old. I have lived my life as a good and righteous man. Go ahead and take the last parachute". The school boy said," No need to fret old man. There are parachutes for both of us. The smartest President of America took my school bag".

2006-12-09 05:35:45 · 26 answers · asked by (^_^) 5

three Irishmen go to a pub. they start talking and one asks about unique talents. One of them has to go to the bathroom and leaves for a minute. they talk and it is learned that one of them can turn lead into gold the other says very impressive but that he can toss a coin in the air ten feet and have it land on any side he wants it to. with a real coin too. the third man comes back and is asked what his talent is and he replies that he just learned he could fart Danny Boy.

2006-12-09 05:31:48 · 12 answers · asked by Book of Changes 3

Three sailors sail into port and decide to share a hotel room. So they walk to a nearby hotel and are told that a room costs $10 each ($30). They pay the money and are then escorted to the room by the bellhop. After the bellhop returns to the front desk, the manager says: “Those sailors seemed very nice, I think I will give them a discount.” He then gives $5 to the bellhop and tells him to return it to the three men. On the way to the room the bellhop thinks to himself “They aren’t so nice, they didn’t give me a tip. I think I will keep $2 dollars for myself.” He then arrives at the room and gives the sailors $3 dollars back.

So they really only paid $9 dollars each.

9X3 = 27, bellhop kept $2, which equals $29, what happened to the other dollar?

2006-12-09 05:30:33 · 20 answers · asked by littleguykt 2

A 65-year-old woman gave birth to a baby boy.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

''May we see the new baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first."

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.

"WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded to know why.

"Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?"

"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put him!"

2006-12-09 05:25:25 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God. Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her. Adam began to ask questions about her.
Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?

God: So you will always want to look at her.

Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?

God: So you will always want to touch her.

Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?

God: So you will always want to be near her.

Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid?

God: So she would love you.

2006-12-09 05:21:40 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-09 05:19:36 · 23 answers · asked by curiousjs 2

Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, ''Hey, Dave! How ya doin?'' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. ''Oh no,'' says Dave. ''He's on my bowling team.''

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, ''You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.'' ''No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.'' A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. ''Hi, Davey,'' she says, ''Want your usual table dance?''

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, ''Looks like you picked up a real doozie this time, Dave!''

2006-12-09 05:19:12 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two Texans were having the blue plate special at their favorite watering hole, when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down an Armadillo Burger too fast. The first Texan said to the other, "Think we ought ta' help?"
"Yep," said the second Texan. The first Texan got up, hitched up his jeans and walked over to the lady. He asked, "Kin yew breathe?"

She shook her head no. "Kin yew speak?" he asked. She again shook her head no.

With that, he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt, and started to lick her on the butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.

The first Texan turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that there Hind Lick Maneuver works ever' time!"

2006-12-09 05:14:56 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is a bar on th 20th floor of a building...

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

Our hero is so frustrated that he jumps out from the window from the 21st floor... The bartender is shocked by his behaviour... feels that the man will finally die falling from such a height of over 200feet. But the man again enters... this time through the window.

Why didnt the guy die???

2006-12-09 05:11:15 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the
First exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign
Attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said,
"He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached
That said, "This bull mated 120 times last year. "

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said,
"That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached
That said, incapital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's
Ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something
From this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if
It was with the same cow."

NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical
To stable, and he is expected to make a full recovery.

2006-12-09 05:07:14 · 14 answers · asked by a m 4

What's worse than four babies in a container?
Ababy in four containers!

2006-12-09 05:06:38 · 6 answers · asked by Marin S 2

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20061209/ap_on_en_tv/n_word_comedy

2006-12-09 05:05:36 · 2 answers · asked by ? 6

Smart A** Answer #5:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, instead he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

Smart A** Answer #4:

A lady was shopping for a turkey at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied," No ma'am they're dead.

Smart A** Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Smart A** Answer #2:

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right Ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks up to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,"Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

#1 SMART A** ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2005 .

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart *** guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is finally restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

2006-12-09 05:02:24 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

2006-12-09 04:58:07 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Okay, so there's this man that lives on the 23rd floor of an apartment building, and every morning, he takes the elevator down to the lobby-on the main floor, and goes off to work.

Every night when he gets home from work, he takes the elevator up to the 13th floor, and then walks the rest of the way up to the 23rd floor. WHY?

2006-12-09 04:56:53 · 14 answers · asked by Daddy's girl 3 2

A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill his schedule and the only one available was wildlife Zoology. So he joined in and after one week of study, a test was held. The professor passed out sheets of small paper where in each square was a carefully drawn picture of a bird's legs. No bodies, no feet, just legs.

The test asked each student to identify the birds from their legs. Our student sat and stared at the test getting angrier every minute. Finally he stomped up to the front of the classroom and threw the test on the teacher's desk. "This is the worst test I have ever written."

The teacher looked up and said: "Young man, you have not filled in anything and you definitely have failed the test. Tell me, what's your name?"

The student pulled up his pant to the knee showing his legs and said, "You tell me..."

2006-12-09 04:56:22 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

2006-12-09 04:49:25 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

I will seek and find You . . I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu

Now, get your mind out of the gutter and Go get your flu shot!

2006-12-09 04:45:41 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous