Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

Two friends, John and Steve meet after 5 years at a bar..

John spotted Steve first, "Hey Steve!"
"Hey John! Long time no see!" John was surprised that Steve spoke smoothly without stutters (Steve has been stuttering since he was a child.)
"How did you fix your speaking?"
"I went to the doctor and he said that if I speak really slow, I won't stutter.. Did you hear? I almost got married!"
"How did you ALMOST get married?"

"Well, I was sitting on the front porch with my fiance and there were two dogs sitting across the road.. They were lying down together.. Although I have to speak slow, I said to her: 'When we're married YOU can do with me..' and then I pointed to the dogs. But, because I talk so slow, by then they were sniffing each other's butts!"

2006-12-09 10:18:45 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Blonde girl in car crash...

says ''I think i have concussion''

paramedic asks ''how many fingers have i got up''?

she replies ''oh no I think im paralysed down there too''!

2006-12-09 10:14:08 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A. A megasaurass

2006-12-09 10:12:04 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-09 10:09:09 · 1 answers · asked by Melissa W 1

OK, let's say there is a bullet that could penetrate anything, and the was armor that nothing could penetrate. What would happen if these the bullet was shot at the armor?

I don't know the answer :)

2006-12-09 09:59:03 · 15 answers · asked by Big Boss the Philosopher 6

A severely obese man, upon the advise of his physician, goes into a quick weight loss center.

"First time?" asks the receptionist. "We’ll start you out on the 10 pound program."

She takes him into a room and departs, locking the door behind her. In the middle of the room is a nude woman with a sign on her:

"IF YOU CATCH ME YOU CAN f*** ME"

He chases the attractive woman around the room for an hour or so until catching her and doesn’t come out for another hour or so. When he finally gets home and weighs himself, he’s lost twelve pounds.

Needless to say, he loves this place. He returns the next day with his fifty bucks handy. "I’ll try the 20 pound program today." She takes him to another room and locks him in just as before. In the middle of the room is a 400 pound gorilla with a sign on him:

"IF I CATCH YOU I GET TO F*** YOU."

2006-12-09 09:57:55 · 50 answers · asked by Anonymous

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws.

At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

Good idea right..? lol..

2006-12-09 09:56:50 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

THEY CAUGHT 2 FISH EACH TOGETHER THEY HAD 6. EXPLAIN

2006-12-09 09:55:54 · 14 answers · asked by chimsy 2

This guy went into a bar and ordered some whisky....the bartender told him that if he could go outside and make his horse "laugh" he would give him 2 drinks free.The guy got up went outside...a few minutes later the bartender looked out the window and his horse was laughing!!!2 days later the same guy came back,and ordered another drink.This time the bartender told him if he could go outside and make his horse "cry" he would give him 4 drinks free.A few minutes later he looked out the window and his horse was just bawling...........the bartender asked....man you gotta tell me how you made my horse laugh the first day and cry the second day......well the cowboy said....the first day i told the horse my d ick was bigger than his...and the second day i showed him!

2006-12-09 09:52:12 · 14 answers · asked by sugar_n_spice 5

An old man gets up one morning and starts to get dressed.

His wife asks, "Where ya' going?"

He answers, "I'm going to Dr."

Wife says, "I didn't know you were sick?"

Husband says, "I'm not, I'm going to get some of that VIAGRA"

So the wife gets up and starts to get dressed.

Husband says, "Where ya' going?"

Wife responds, "I'm going to the Dr."

Husband says, "I didn't know you were sick?"

Wife answers, "I'm not, but if your going to put that rusty old thing in me, I'm getting a tetnis shot!!!"

True story...this joke was told to me the other day by a random little old man in Safeway, whom I smiled at, and he asked me if I wanted to hear a joke.

When he was done telling it, he looked away and walked away...and I was left with my jaw hanging open in the cereal isle.

2006-12-09 09:42:24 · 34 answers · asked by Dolphin lover 4

two men were standing in the food court line .... the man behind me asked what r u doin.... seeing if i can put these hats on lay away... her's your sign

2006-12-09 09:41:32 · 11 answers · asked by Imperfection At Its Finest. 4

2006-12-09 09:40:40 · 26 answers · asked by Chill_Out 3

Its the fear of being persued by timber wolves around a kitchen table while wearing socks on a newly waxed floor!!

2006-12-09 09:38:41 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

a guy walks into a bar, celebrating his 1st BJ, and drinks 9 shots of straight vodka (eew). when he goes to get his tab, the bartender said "ill give you a free drink for ur 1st BJ. pick a drink"... the man said "if 9 shots of straight vodka wouldnt get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will!" hehe... lol

2006-12-09 09:37:29 · 5 answers · asked by xojessox 5

ok so this guy calls his wife and tells her that the plane had hit a deer.... the wife respondes OMG!!!! were u on the ground..... na santa was just making another yearly trip ....... here's ur sign

2006-12-09 09:34:31 · 14 answers · asked by Imperfection At Its Finest. 4

My friends and I like to tell each other Yo Momma jokes during lunch. Any of these kind of jokes or blonde jokes too would be really helpful!

2006-12-09 09:33:55 · 13 answers · asked by ♥Kayla♥ 2

Jasmeet Kaur watched her husband Santa Singh searching high and low, all over the living room. She asked him: "What are you so frantically searching?"
Santa: "Hidden cameras!"
Jasmeet: "And what makes you think there are hidden cameras here?"
Santa Singh: "Or else, every few minutes, how is that guy on television saying....'You are watching the Star World Channel'? "How can he know what I am watching?"
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
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Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
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Why Adam and Eve were NOT Chinese or Korean??

If they would have been Chinese or Korean, they would have thrown that apple and eaten the snake...
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One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were newly married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger.
Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller; You don't love me any more..."
"It has nothing to do with love darling," replied the husband, "you cook better now."
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A woman sits down next to an attractive man on a bus. She says "you look just like my 4th husband". The man replies, "Your FOURTH husband, how many times have you been married?" "Three" the woman replies

2006-12-09 09:32:16 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

An American goes into a bar and sits down next to an English guy.

The American notices that the English guy has a huge BIC Lighter.

The American says, "Wow cool lighter, where did you get it?"

The english guy says, "A genie granted me one wish when I rubbed this bottle".

"Wow", says the American, "Can I have a go?"

"Sure", Says the Englishman.

The american rubs the bottle and the genie comes out, "You have one wish" Says the genie.

The American wishes for a million bucks, the genie grants the wish.

About 5 minutes later a load of ducks come into the bar, there are thousands of them.

The American says "I don't believe this I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks".

The englishman says "Well do you really think i wished for a 12 inch BIC?".

2006-12-09 09:30:03 · 8 answers · asked by Mike P 1

what is

1 dhiorioioaka
2 reiowqnoesn
3 eiruvbeosmc

the funnier the answers the better

2006-12-09 09:29:52 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

k. on the bus, we always make jokes... so, i need some good ones... fat jokes maybe? those wud be useful

2006-12-09 09:27:51 · 8 answers · asked by xojessox 5

This guy goes into a restraurant to eat dinner.He looks at the menu and to his surprise there are only 3 things.....
1.hamburger $3.00
2.cheeseburger$4.00
3.handjob $10.00
So the waitress asked him if he was ready to order,he said"Are you the one who gives the hand-job??"Why yes i am she said.
OK......go wash your hands...i want the cheeseburger!!

2006-12-09 09:26:48 · 9 answers · asked by sugar_n_spice 5

This a guy how call the policeman office asking what is the number to 911 , the officer say for what is your emergency.

he reply to him " I want order a pizza " , then the policeman say .

what is your name he reply 811 , the policeman ask him again then he say it again 811.

he ask him he use drugs , he answer only the legal , the he ask which one , cofee.

please give me the number . I have to tak to him.

who is your father that why ask you where i call him.

my father is 911

2006-12-09 09:26:36 · 12 answers · asked by student 2

8:45am Wake up to hugs and kisses.
9:00am 5 pounds lighter on the scale.
9:30am Light breakfast.
11:00am Sunbathe.
12:00pm Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe.
1:30pm Shopping.
2:30pm Run into boyfriends ex, notice she's gained 30 pounds.
3:00pm Facial massage and nap.
7:30pm Candle light dinner for two and dancing.
10:00pm Make love.
11:00pm Pillow talk in his big strong arms.

2006-12-09 09:19:43 · 23 answers · asked by Kevin-------------UK 2

2006-12-09 09:19:14 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

when is the worse time to have a heart attack?

=when your playing charads

2006-12-09 09:15:46 · 21 answers · asked by BEN S 2

Funny question.

2006-12-09 09:14:22 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. 'The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
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A farmer and his girlfriend were out for a stroll in the fields when they came across a cow and a calf rubbing noses.
"Boy," said the farmer, "that sure makes me want to do the same."
"Well, go ahead," said his girlfriend. "It's your cow."
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Saddam, sitting in the electric chair, is about to be executed.
"Do you have any last requests? asks Bush, who is the Chief Guest to do the honors of executing him.
"Yes," replies Saddam "Will you hold my hand?"

2006-12-09 09:11:52 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three men went to hell.

The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"

He then opened the doors to the three rooms.

Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.

Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.

Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in **** up to their knees and drinking coffee.

The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.

They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads."

2006-12-09 08:59:16 · 19 answers · asked by Tristyn 1

2006-12-09 08:57:46 · 8 answers · asked by maxon475 3

"Adam, Where's Eve?"
"She went swimming." Adam replied
"Oh great." God said. "I'll never get the smell out of the fish."

2006-12-09 08:55:56 · 9 answers · asked by al p 3