Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

"cute, but can you breathe through it?"

2006-12-09 08:51:47 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok now for the best i am also MIKE P but i am now joke man
so u all love me jokies
heres a great one

the was a priest who was sermoning a cow
and then the cow said "i do repent please cleanse me of my sins"
and the priest says, "how can u repent, ur too fat! hamburger"

2006-12-09 08:49:03 · 7 answers · asked by Tristyn 1

f you kiss her, you are not a gentleman
If you don’t, you are not a man
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying
If you don’t, you are good for nothing
If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp
If you don’t, you are not understanding
If you visit her often,she thinks it is boring
If you don’t , she accuses you of double-crossing
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy
If you don’t , you are a dull boy
If you are jealous, she says it’s bad
If you don’t, she thinks you do not love her
If you attempt a romance, she says you didn’t respect her
If you don’t, she thinks you do not like her
If you are a minute late, she complains it’s hard to wait
If she is late, she says that’s a girl’s way
If you visit another man, you’re not putting in “quality time”
If she is visited by another woman, “Oh it’s natural, we are girls”
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold
If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage
If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by other men, she says that they a just admiring
If you talk, she wants you to listen
If you listen, she wants you to talk

In short :
So simple, yet so complex
So weak, yet so powerful
So confusing, yet so desirable
So damning, yet so wonderful……….WOMEN !……..

2006-12-09 08:48:13 · 14 answers · asked by damian s 2

ithinkthesongoriginatedinspainitisatypeofreggaeorcalypsosong

2006-12-09 08:45:26 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree?
He was dead.

Why did the other squirrel fall out of the tree?
He was stapled to the first squirrel.

Why did the chipmunk fall out of the tree?
He thought it was a game.

2006-12-09 08:45:02 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Like when you sizzle my nizzle from my shizzile. I don't get what is a nizzle.

2006-12-09 08:39:33 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

when they came back my friends had caught three trout each, but all my wife had was a red snapper. Should I be worried?

2006-12-09 08:20:27 · 10 answers · asked by al p 3

2006-12-09 08:16:01 · 9 answers · asked by XO.ME.ALL.NITE 1

Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?"
Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself." Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.

He says, "Strewth Sheila.....Not only are you a great shag but you're a real sport too."

And drives off.



ITS ONLY A JOKE REMEMBER !!!!

2006-12-09 08:13:52 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Do You get pissed when You see people writing how they don't get the joke? 'Cos I do, very much, so don't even think about it!

2006-12-09 08:06:02 · 12 answers · asked by Marin S 2

English, Scotsman & Irishman chatting

Englishman says ''my wife bought a car the other day and she hasn't passed her test''.

Scot says ''my wife went to a health farm & she's not even bl oody fat''

Paddy says ''thats nothing, my wifes gone to Ibiza, taken 30 condoms & she hasn't even got a cock

2006-12-09 08:03:20 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

youll get a violation notice it just happened to me and whoever did it may god have mercy on your pittiful little insecure soul.

2006-12-09 07:52:06 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Where I come from in Italy we don't throwa the trash on the street...I come to the America and i reada the sign ...she says: Littering isa fine..

2006-12-09 07:51:57 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub . . .
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, handsoap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

2006-12-09 07:49:02 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise

2006-12-09 07:47:58 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

These people are on a plane. The pilot comes on and says they are going to die! A women in the back stands up and says, "Wait I can not die, I haven't expierienced being a woman yet! Can someone please help me feel like a woman!" So a man in the front wearing jeans and a flannel shirt stands up and starts walking toward her. He starts un buttoning his shirt. When he gets to her he takes it off and gives it to her and says " Here wash this....."

hahahah!!!

2006-12-09 07:45:57 · 18 answers · asked by Candace M 2

lol, yo mamma is so fat! she has an eating dis order, she eats dis order dis order and dis order!!!!!! lllllllllooooooooooolllllllllllllll!!!!!!!!!

2006-12-09 07:40:18 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

TO MY DEAR WIFE:

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.

I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.

The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

=====================================================

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't ***
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.

I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

2006-12-09 07:38:39 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. One blonde is standing on the opposite side of a river from another blonde.

"How do I get to the other side?" asks the first blonde.

"Oh silly!" answers the second blonde. "You are already on the other side!"


2. Two blondes are shopping. The first one pics up a mirror, and thinking its a picture frame, stares intently at it. "Oh my god" she says to her friend, "This girl looks so familiar but I can't remember her name!"

Her blonde friend takes it from her hands, looks at it, and says "Don't be so dumb! It's me, silly!"

2006-12-09 07:33:35 · 7 answers · asked by Raidered81 3

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the ladies' bowling league, honey," he says. "We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says, "Hi, Davey! Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabbie turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real b**ch tonight, Dave."

2006-12-09 07:28:30 · 21 answers · asked by a m 4

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)

"I kicked her in the face."

2006-12-09 07:26:41 · 19 answers · asked by chris b 4

there was pet llama who had hairy hair!

2006-12-09 07:26:25 · 7 answers · asked by Tristyn 1

Will i really drown if you take your fingers out

2006-12-09 07:21:04 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Medical Term: Pre-Menstrual Syndrome

Proper Term: Pass My Sweets
Puting-up Mens Sh**
Perfect Man Scar-er
Poor Me Syndrome
Pack My Stuff
Puffy Mid-Section
Psyco Monster Scar-er

2006-12-09 07:19:22 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a goat humping a llama. A cow comes by and says
MOOOOOOOOOOOO
Then the bird comes by and goes chirp chirp!
the dog comes by and says woof woof
and then the person comes by and says
...
..
..

..
..
.
...
...
...
...
SHUT UP!

2006-12-09 07:13:59 · 13 answers · asked by Tristyn 1

This guy was trying to get his new parrot to say something. Just then he saw a bunch of kids trying to break his fence. He yelled out to them, "If you kids don't get lost, I'm gonna call the police!"
And the kids answered back, Bologna! Bologna!"
And the parrot repeated them.
Next week he and his brothers went for rock climbing. One of the brothers fell into a hole. The other brother shouted "Get a rope, pull him up" The parrot repeated him.
Weeks after he went to the fair with the parrot. Far off in the distance the parrot heard "HIT THE DOLL, WIN A PRIZE!" And so he repeated that.
Sunday he and his parrot went to church and when the priest began his speech, "God lives up there." and gestured.
The parrot said, "Bologna! Bologna!"
The priest ignored him. Again he started, "The devil lives down there." And gestured.
The parrot then spoke, "Get a rope, pull him up!"
The priest got angry and threw the bible and it hit a nun.
Just then the parrot said, "HIT THE DOLL........

2006-12-09 07:06:02 · 29 answers · asked by Pd 6

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

2006-12-09 07:02:07 · 22 answers · asked by chris b 4

i went to a Christmas party last night and i had to get up to tell a joke or two.
Sitting in one corner of the room was the incontinent society and i told a very unfunny joke but they stilled p.i.s.s.ed theirselves laughing........

2006-12-09 07:01:22 · 14 answers · asked by chris w. 7

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a ********.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......

2006-12-09 06:54:11 · 32 answers · asked by chris b 4

How many letters are in the alphabet?

What gets wetter and wetter the more it dries?

What can travel around the world while staying in a corner?

2006-12-09 06:52:03 · 13 answers · asked by googleh20 2