Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

About five years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight.

I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car.

I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30 mph for it to start. She said fine, hopped into her car and drove off.

I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing. A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at about 40 mph, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions.

2006-12-08 21:01:40 · 13 answers · asked by happyclown5769 2

yeah who will cook for you?

2006-12-08 20:58:59 · 11 answers · asked by ByTheWay 4

Alvin ismath major at a university.He is studying for the finals with her friends Miguel and Paolo at the library.Miguel is an english major and Paolo is a sociology major.Miguel said,"Isnt it funny that one of us is studying english,one math and one sociology,but none is studying the subject the subject that is our major?"The person studying english said,"so what?"

Now,who is studying each subject?

2006-12-08 20:55:56 · 4 answers · asked by Bryan G 1

Please note that Banks are installing new "Drive-through" teller machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.

MALE PROCEDURE

* 1 Drive up to the cash machine.

* 2 Put down your car window.

* 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

* 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

* 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

* 6 Put window up.

* 7 Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE

* 1 Drive up to cash machine.

* 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.

* 3 Set parking Brake, Put the window down.

* 4 Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.

* 5 Turn the radio down.

* 6 Attempt to insert card into machine.

* 7 Attempt to insert card into machine.

* 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

* 9 Insert card.

* 10 Re-insert card the right side up

* 11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

* 12 Enter PIN.

* 13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

* 14 Enter amount of cash required.

* 15 Check make up in rear view mirror.

* 16 Retrieve cash and receipt.

* 17 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

* 18 Place receipt in back of checkbook.

* 19 Re-check make-up again.

* 20 Drive forwards 2 feet.

* 21 Reverse back to cash machine.

* 22 Retrieve card.

* 23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

* 24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers queuing behind.

* 25 Restart stalled engine and pull off.

* 26 Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

* 27 Release Parking Brake.

2006-12-08 20:52:41 · 12 answers · asked by happyclown5769 2

2006-12-08 20:47:18 · 15 answers · asked by ♣valentine melons♣ 4

What is as light as a feather,
But even the strongest man cannot hold it
for more than a minute?

2006-12-08 20:23:21 · 13 answers · asked by ? 2

q:funny or not?u rate it.

Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their
honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Dave the Bellboy.
The first man married a nurse. Dave showed them to their room and
thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to
trot". The second man married a telephone operator. Dave showed them
to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he's a lucky one.
Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top
button...Va-voom.". The third man married a school teacher. Dave
showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor guy, she's
pretty but teachers are just too frigid". The next morning, Dave
reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the
teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two
would call much later in the day. At 6:00 a.m. the phone rang. It
was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. The nurse's husband
opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas
were still pressed and his hair nicely combed. Dave asked, "What
happened sir? You married a nurse. The man sourly replies, "Son,
don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging
voice saying, " You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary." At 6:30
a.m., the phone rang again. The telephone operator's husband called
for breakfast. Dave brought it as fast as possible hoping for the
best. The man opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The
man's hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed. Dave
asked," What happened? Telephone operators are supposed to be as
sexy as their voices." The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry
a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice
saying, "You're three minutes are up, your three minutes are up."
Dave went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband
would be calling any minute. Finally at 4:30 p.m., the teacher's
husband called for breakfast. Dave can't believe it but quickly took
the breakfast to the couples room. The man opened the door and Dave
took a step back in shock. The man was wearing only his boxers, his
hair was a mess, and he had scratch marks on his chest, arms and
legs. Joe fearing the worst, asked " What happened to you? Did you
have a fight?" The man smiled and happily replied, "No. Son, when
you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night
was her sexy smooth voice saying "We are going to do this over and
over, until we get get it right."

2006-12-08 20:17:11 · 6 answers · asked by ♣valentine melons♣ 4

get it?

2006-12-08 20:06:37 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

tell me if its not.=D

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town an kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

2006-12-08 20:04:49 · 21 answers · asked by ♣valentine melons♣ 4

2006-12-08 19:57:09 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two men are driving through London when they get pulled over by a cop. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his stick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the officer smacks him in the head with it. The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?" The officer answers, "You're in London son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car." The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here." The officer does a check on the driver's license, and he's O.K. He gives the man his license back, walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the officer smacks him on the head. The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?" The officer says, "Just making your wish come true." The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?" The officer says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your friend here, "I wish that a*shole would've tried that sh*t with me!"

2006-12-08 19:56:40 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

what do u call an ant which is imported?

2006-12-08 19:46:56 · 9 answers · asked by Nikky 2

2006-12-08 19:38:58 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-08 19:35:54 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-08 19:24:45 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-08 19:00:14 · 24 answers · asked by Lady_Marmalade 2

A blonde walks into an appliance store and says I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk replies Im sorry, we dont do business with blondes. So she stormed off back to her house and dyed her hair black. The next day, she went back to the same store and said I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk, once again, replies Sorry, we dont do business with blondes. The blonde replied How did you know I was blonde? The clerk says Because thats a microwave, not a T.V.


A blonde came home from her first day commuting into the city.
Her mother noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked, "Honey, are you feeling all right?"

"Not really," the blonde replied. "I'm nauseous from sitting backward on the train."

"Poor dear," Mom said. "Why didn't you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?"

"I couldn't," she replied, "there was no one there."

2006-12-08 18:40:55 · 20 answers · asked by hey 4

1) Live in a tent for a year (campsite in the mountains with just water and the bare minimum to survive)

2) Eat a dozen of raw eggs at one time

3) have protected sex with someone who has Aids

none of the above, I will remain poor lol

2006-12-08 18:25:43 · 22 answers · asked by james w 3

A couple from Texas and a couple from the East coast were seated side by side on an airplane. The gal from Texas , being friendly and all, said "So, where y'all from?"

The East coast girl said, "From a place where they know better than to end a sentence with a preposition."

The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where y'all from, biotch?"

2006-12-08 18:18:45 · 8 answers · asked by texasblueslady 3

I KNOW, do you? This one drove me crazy for a long time, but the answer's SO SIMPLE! I'll post it in a second....

2006-12-08 18:16:52 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Brave
Intelligent
Gentle

Polite
Energetic
Nutty
Industrious
Sensitive






And if all else fails, well ... read the CAPITAL LETTERS only

2006-12-08 18:15:44 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy goes into a bar and says, "Quick, gimme a beer before the trouble starts!" The barman looks around the sleepy bar, shrugs and hands the guy a bottle of beer.

The guy drinks it fast. "Quick! gimme another beer before the trouble starts!"
The barman looks at the guy oddly but hands another beer to the guy.

The guy drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!"
The barman hands him another beer, with a frown on his face, but hands it over reluctantly.

Again, the guy drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!"
The barman replies, "Look pal, exactly what trouble are you talking about?"

"I haven't got any money!"

2006-12-08 18:15:24 · 7 answers · asked by hey 4

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane, energy-efficient kind.

Then, this week I got a call from the contractor who installed them.

He was complaining the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid him for them.

Now just because I'm blond doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last
year.......namely, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for
themselves!

HELLLOOOOO?---- It's been a year!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.

He didn't call back. I bet he felt dumb!

2006-12-08 18:06:54 · 4 answers · asked by texasblueslady 3

A guy is propping up the bar with his best friend, quietly sobbing into his cocktail.

"It was terrible. I was away on business, and I e-mailed my wife to say I'd be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my brother. How could she do this?"

"Well," says his friend. "Maybe she didn't get your e-mail..."

2006-12-08 18:03:44 · 9 answers · asked by hey 4

A guy goes into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo of a hundred-dollar bill on his p--is. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.

''Three reasons. I like to play with my money. I like to watch my money grow. And a hundred dollars seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days!''

2006-12-08 17:53:03 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a boy whose parents were very strict in his upbringing.
They never allowed him to meet any girls, except his own relatives. However, one day he saw one of his best friends kissing a girl and he went to his mother and asked her what they were doing.
His mother told him, "It's called kissing and any boy who does that to a girl will die that very minute!"
On his 21st birthday he went out with some friends who introduced him to one of the sweetest girls around town.
She knew that he had never been kissed before.
When she eventually got some time alone with him, she tried to kiss him but he resisted. She asked him, "What are you afraid of, it won't hurt."
He said, "My mother said if I kiss a girl I'll die this very minute!!"
She replied, "Don't be a baby, now come on kiss me."
With that she gave him a hot one square across the lips.
He began to cry, "Oh no I'm going to die!!!"
She said, "Why are you going to die??"
He replied, "I've just kissed you and already one part of me has begun to get stiff!!"

2006-12-08 17:50:59 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take
>them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another
>farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to
>mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles
>apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in
>which to let the pigs mate.
>
>The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m.,
>loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only
>vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were
>mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are
>pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass in the
>morning, they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, they're not."
>
>The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them
>off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to
>try again.
>
>This continued each morning for more than a week. The next morning he
>was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please
>look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the
>grass."
>
>"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of
>them is honking the horn."

2006-12-08 17:49:55 · 10 answers · asked by texasblueslady 3

you haven’t asked yet

I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life

what? and spoil my great sex life?

nobody would believe me in white

just lucky, I guess

it gives my mother something to live for

my fiancé is awaiting parole

I’m waiting until I get to be your age

it didn’t seem worth a blood test

I already have enough laundry to do, thank you

it would take all the spontaneity out of dating

I’d have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund

they just opened a great singles bar down the street

I wouldn’t want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness

we really want to, but my lovers husband just wont go for it

why aren’t you thin?

2006-12-08 17:34:35 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-08 17:31:41 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ok...this will be a game at my Christmas party tomorrow....How many words can you make out of Merry Christmas? The one with the most wins.

2006-12-08 17:23:22 · 13 answers · asked by Wanna-be-Dear-Abby 3