Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

2006-12-08 17:23:06 · 2 answers · asked by LFC 2

Three boys received their grades from their female sex education teacher.
One got a D+, the second got a D-, and the third boy got an F.

"One day we should get her for this," said the first boy.

"I agree, we'll grab her...." said the second boy.

"Yeah," said the third boy, "and then we'll kick her in the nuts!"

2006-12-08 17:19:29 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Heres a really tough question:

If you were paddling upstream in a canoe at a steady rate of 25 miles per hour, and your front left dough nut fell out, how many pancakes would it take to cover a doghouse?

2006-12-08 17:10:05 · 16 answers · asked by onekewlpenguin 2

Put this on,
And warm you'll be.
Take one off,
And an emotion, you'll see.

2006-12-08 16:56:30 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

I have a heart that never beats, I have a home but I never sleep. I can take a mans house and build anothers, And I love to play games with my many brothers. I am a king among fools. Who am I?

2006-12-08 16:56:06 · 8 answers · asked by diamondg4u2c 3

2006-12-08 16:53:13 · 18 answers · asked by diamondg4u2c 3

The other day I saw a ''Honk if you love Jesus'' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance followed by a thunderous prayer meeting,so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and how good He is... and I didn't notice that the light had changed.It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, ''For the love of GOD! GO, GO!! Jesus Christ, GO!!'' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a ''sunny beach''...I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage son what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My son burst out laughing...why even HE was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed, so I waved one more time to my loving brothers and sisters, grinning, and drove on through the intersection.I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them all after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one more time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.

2006-12-08 16:24:37 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

then: killer weed
now: weed killer

then: then: being caught with hustler magazine
now: being caught by hustler magazine

then: getting out to a new, hip joint
now: getting a new hip joint

then: being called into the principals office
now: storming into the principals office

then: peace sign
now: mercedes logo

then: getting "blind"
now: going blind

then: long hair
now: longing for hair

then: worrying about no 1 coming to your party
now: worrying about no 1 coming to your funeral

then: the perfect high
now: the perfect high yeild mutual fund

then: swallowing acid
now: swallowing antiacid

then: youre growing pot
now: your growing pot

then: passing the driving test
now: passing the vision test

then: seeds and stems
now: roughage

then: popping pills, smoking joints
now: popping joints

then: ommmmmmmmmmm
now: ummmmmmmmmmm

2006-12-08 16:19:14 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A fart that makes your eyes water.....[please laugh!].

2006-12-08 16:14:40 · 27 answers · asked by snuffylover4 2

2006-12-08 16:11:37 · 7 answers · asked by charley128 5

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer...











The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

Men keep'a scrollin'...











So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.

2006-12-08 16:07:52 · 27 answers · asked by Ashley P 2

What is weightless, can be seen with the naked eye (without aid of technology), and if you put it in a barrel it will make the barrel lighter?

2006-12-08 15:59:53 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

"You're good at ciphers, aren't you, Dad?" said PEggy
"I've solved a few in my time," said her father.

"Have a stab at this one." On a half-sheet of paper Peggy had printed:
IMPS ELUDE
NEWS-RIME
-NERO

"It doesn't seem to make much sense said Peggy's father. "What's the big idea?"
"Transliteration," said Peggy.
"Absurd, my good girl. There's not nearly enough material."
"I knew you'd say that," said PEggy, grinning. "Have a go, all the same. It has been described as too wonderful."
Can you-with the aid of the hint-transliterate Peggy's cipher?

2006-12-08 15:53:47 · 3 answers · asked by enigma 1

Okay befor I tell this joke I want to say i am very christan but this joke is so funny!
This one guy breaks into a house he just wants to steal a few things then be on his way,right as he was gathering the last few items from the very dark house he hears"Jesus is watching!"The man drops the stuff he is holding and starts trying to find out who had said it.He didn't see anything but a small parrot sitting on a stand.He went up to it and asked"Are you the little bird who said that Jesus was watching?"The bird said"Me moses.Jesus is watching."The man laughed and asked"Who in there right mind would name a bird moses?"The bird answered"The same people who would name a pit bull Jesus.

2006-12-08 15:39:55 · 32 answers · asked by Ashley P 2

---and if you're thinking about reporting don't think about it till the end---

I will seek and find you . .
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished
with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu

Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!

2006-12-08 15:28:25 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Okay there is this little boy who is really mean he goes to his mom and ask if he can have a bike for christmas.She said"Go up to your room and pray for God to change you into a good boy and then mabe you can have a bike".The little boy ran up to his room and got on his knees and prayed"Lord I don't really know you, but I do know that people pray to you and sometimes get what they want,so can I please have a bike?"now ever night for a week he prayed this and Christmas pasted and he still didn't have a bike.Then one day he went down to the church and got a little figure of mother mary and took it home.He knelt by his bed and prayed"Lord you better give me a bike if you ever want to see your mother agian!"
What do you think?Please don't be mean!Best answer gets 10!

2006-12-08 15:18:00 · 19 answers · asked by Ashley P 2

Every man in a village of fifty couples has been unfaithful to his wife. Every woman in the village instantly knows when a man other than her husband has philandered but not when her husband has (“always the last to know”). The village’s no tolerance adultery statue requires that a woman who can prove her husband is unfaithful must kill him that very day. No woman would dream of breaking this law(HAHA). One day,the queen ,who is known to be infallible,visits the village. She announces that at least one husband has been unfaithful. What happens when and how?

2006-12-08 15:11:54 · 16 answers · asked by Skl 2

Why was 6 afraid of 7.......... somebody else posted this question, but the answers that didn't say because 7 8 9 were hiliarious so show me what u got

2006-12-08 15:06:13 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

crying and law enforcement

advanced mathematics seminar: programming your VCR

you CAN go shopping for less than four hours

the seven outfit week

telephone translations (formerly titled 'me too' equals 'I love you')

putting the seat down by yourself: potential energy is on your side

what goes around comes around: why his credit card is not a toy

commitment schmmitment (formerly titled wedlock schmedlock)

to honor and obey: remembering the small print above 'I do'

why your mother is unwelcome in the house

2006-12-08 15:01:58 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

I know you will not but just asking for the comedy of it.
cause i never really thought about something like that and it made me laugh just thinking about someone doing that.

got it from http://www.hotfact.com/silly_questions_to_make_you_think.html

2006-12-08 15:00:10 · 15 answers · asked by ElDarado05 2

Medical Term: Pre-Menstrual Syndrome

Proper Term(s) Pissy Mood Syndrom
: Puffy Mid Section
Pass My Shotgun
Portable Murder System
Prick, Mother Said
***********************************************************************
What do you think, or rtings. No abuse, don't be hating

2006-12-08 14:59:50 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A priest sees a kid playing with kerosene. He walks over to the kid and says with a smile: You know, if you rub holy water on a woman's belly, she'll pass a baby!
The kid says, that's nothing! If you rub this on a cat's anus, he'll pass a motorcycle!

2006-12-08 14:52:34 · 11 answers · asked by jfahd 4

So this boy tells little Henry that every adult is holdin a secret. So this oy goes to the teacher and says "I know everything" the teacer gives him a R100(divide by 4,65, americans).

Henry goes home tells his mother the same thing. She gives him R500. the same thing to his father, R1000. Henry is amazed so he goes to school,sees his principal and says the same " I know everything". the principal ends down, arms open and says, "well then come to your daddy"

2006-12-08 14:49:50 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"

"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."

"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."

"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"

"Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"

"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."

"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep."

"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... ...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."

"Montana - At least our cows are sane!"

"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."

"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."

"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"

"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."

"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."

"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."

"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"

"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!"

"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."

"Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"

"Forget about World Peace..... Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!"

"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."

"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

"We are bom naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."

"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."

"He who laughs last thinks slowest"

2006-12-08 14:39:12 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

2006-12-08 14:36:23 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ***.

Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"

Everyone has a photographic memory ...some just don't have any film.

Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.

And The Number One Bumper Sticker you'd Like To See!!

Welcome to America ...now speak English

2006-12-08 14:33:06 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

1 . Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn..that was fun!

2006-12-08 14:29:18 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

What happened when Paris Hilton Went to a smart people convention???(1st 2 get it wins 10 points)

2006-12-08 14:28:27 · 10 answers · asked by Tonks 2

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these terrorists --- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration...

2006-12-08 14:22:38 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple in their 80's decide they want a baby, they go to the doctor and ask him to help. The doctor talks and talks and talks trying to convince the couple that it isnt possible for them to have children at their age, They are just to old.
Nothing the doctor says will get the couple to change their minds, they are determined to have a baby no matter what anyone says.
Finaley the doctor decides that he will give each of them a pysical and prove to them that it just isnt humanly possible for people of their age to have babies.
He takes the old lady back first and gives her a complete pysical, she finaly returns to the waiting room after an hour has passed. Very soon the doctor comes out and he says, I just cant believe it, I have never seen this before but you are in excelent health and it is very possible that you could become pregnant, Its just amazing.
He then takes the old man back for his pysical and in about an hour the old man returns to the waiting room.

2006-12-08 14:21:03 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous