Words for the Wise?

Question

1 . Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn..that was fun!

Answer 1

Miranda, if you are not a stand-up comedian, you should be. You are funnier than Leno AND Letterman! I've seen or heard a lot of these but I am still laughing! You have a good sense of organization. Good work!

Answer 2

Pray to God, advantageous, yet save rowing ashore. - Russian Proverb i'm drained of following my targets. i'm only going to ask them the position there going, and connect with them later. - Mitch Hedberg human beings opt to comprehend that everybody is what make issues ensue. everywhere you bypass, there are human beings, and by no skill some thing receives done with out them. human beings opt to study this, and end questioning that what they do doesnt matter. - Joe Strummer continually tilt your hat. remember, angles equivalent thoughts-set. - Frank Sinatra only because some human beings can study and write and do slightly math, that doesn't advise we need to triumph over the Universe. - Kurt Vonnegut i encourage you to delight word once you're satisfied, and exclaim or murmur or imagine faster or later, "If this isn't effective, i do not understand what's." - Kurt Vonnegut He had desirous to stay always or die interior the attempt, and his in common words challenge each and each and every time he went up became to come back down alive. - seize 22

Answer 3

That was funny Daym that was a good thinker!

Answer 4

Those were cute...keep them coming!

Answer 5

Your so funny not..

Answer 6

I love those!!!