Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

The Most Complete List Of Ways To Annoy People, Cops, Your Roommate, And More.

Annoy People

1. Pay tolls with $100 bills

2. Leave your supermarket cart on the street or in the middle of the parking lot

3. Eat produce at the market; don't buy it

4. When giving directions, leave out a turn or two

5. Leave the outdoor Christmas decorations up until March or April

6. Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons

7. Knock and ask "How is it going?" to someone constipated in a public bathroom stall.

8. Develop at least three strategies for cutting into the front of lines

9. Announce when you're going to the bathroom

10. Chew other people's pencils

11. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

12. Wear large hats during the movies

13. Touch strangers

14. Tell little children the truth about Santa Claus

15. Bite your dentist's finger

16. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

18. Leave lipstick prints on people's cheeks and foreheads

19. Don't stand during hymns and anthems

20. Dance fast to slow music and vice-versa

21. Tell people they have bad breath

22. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

23. Flirt with a friend's spouse

24. Sit in the home bleachers and cheer for the other team

25. Shake with your left hand

26. Use the quote bunnies after every other word you say when talking to someone.

27. Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".

28. Drum on every available surface.

29. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

30. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

31. Honk and wave to strangers.

32. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

33. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

34. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.

35. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

36. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

37. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

38. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

39. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

40. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

41. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

Annoy Cops

42. Say out loud when he/she approaches you "You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?"

43. Ask to see his gun.

44. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.

45. Say out loud "Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!"

46. Slap his hand and say "Bad cop! No donut!"

47. When he frisks you, say "You missed a spot", and grin.

48. After every other sentence oink like a pig quietly to yourself but loud enough for him to hear you.

49. Refer to him by his first name.

50. When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it.

Annoy Your roomate

51. Smoke weed. Do whatever comes naturally.

52. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.

53. Twitch a lot when you guys eat dinner.

54. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.

55. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.

56. Ask him/her to do you a favor and get you a drink, then when they bring it, slowly pour it on the floor.

57. Clip your toenails while watching a movie or eating dinner.

58. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.

59. Speak in tongues.

60. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.

61. Walk and talk backwards.

62. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.

63. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more than meets the eye."

64. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g."The Road Warrior," "Repo Man," Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.

65. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance at art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).

66. Collect all your urine in a small jug.

67. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.

68. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.

69. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks."

70. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to masturbate while reading them.

71. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.

72. Eat glass.

73. Smoke ballpoint pens.

74. Smile. All the time.

75. Collect dog **** in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate.

76. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.

77. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can.
When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.

78. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances.

79. Paste snot on the windows in occult patterns.

80. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.

81. Dye all your underwear lime green.

82. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.

83. Bye three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.

84. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.

85. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).

86. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.

87. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up.
Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.

88. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.

89. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.

90. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.

91. Shave one eyebrow.

92. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.

93. Put horseradish in your shoes.

94. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.

95. Always flush the toilet three times.

96. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.

97. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class.

98. Give him/her an allowance.

99. Listen to radio static.

100. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.

101. Wear sunglasses at night. Bump into things often. Swear loudly.

Annoy your examiner during a Driver's Test

102. Turn the radio on. When the testor goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.

103. Beep your horn at everything.

104. When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light

105. Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "now which one is the gas again?"

106. After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.

107. Fill your car with beer bottles.

108. The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.

109. In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.

110. Swear at everybody on the road.

111. Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.

2006-12-08 10:04:01 · 13 answers · asked by star42430 5

a ship is by the dock with its rope ladder hanging down if the steps on the ladder are 1 foot apart and the tide makes the water level rise by 2 feet per hour how many more rungs will be covered after 4 hours?

2006-12-08 09:58:48 · 10 answers · asked by steve L 2

Hi everyone,

I have really pissed off one of my female friends. I was thinking of sending her a text message to cheer her up. Does anyone know any short, good and clean jokes that will make her laugh?

Will be very grateful. Thanx

2006-12-08 09:54:18 · 8 answers · asked by Mr. 4

You're in a hurry to get to the Town of Truth. However, on your way there, the road splits off into 2 paths. One path is the Path of Lies (which leads to the Town of Lies). Everyone on who is on this path tells lies. The other path is the Path of Truth (which leads to the Town of Truth). Everyone on who is on this path tells the truth. In the between both paths is a man. Since your in a hurry, you only have time to ask 1 question. What question do you ask this man?

2006-12-08 09:51:57 · 9 answers · asked by Alice 3

Eternally I am 1 to 6,
eternallyI am 15 to 20,
I am always 5,
but I am never ever 21 unless I am flying,
what am I ???

2006-12-08 09:49:42 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Answer:

Because They Already Ran And Have JumpedTo Get Over Our Border.
Lol

Good Joke?

2006-12-08 09:46:02 · 12 answers · asked by Haley Bailey 2

Soon after I got married, I was invited out for a night with "the
boys. " I told the wife that I would be home by midnight ...
promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy, at
around 3 A.M., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in
the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3
times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed
another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick witty
solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

Next morning the wife asked me what time I got in and I told her 12
o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that
one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her
why, she said "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said 'Oh, f#$$,' cuckooed
4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled,
and finally cuckooed twice more before it farted."

2006-12-08 09:43:04 · 3 answers · asked by al p 3

A rather confident 007 walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks,

"Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I am here alone. Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

007 taps, taps his watch,

..
.......
...............
...........................
.............................................

"Damn thing must be an hour fast "

2006-12-08 09:40:03 · 12 answers · asked by JOHN W 3

............throw a bar of soap in there.......How do U get them back in?....hand them a unemployement check..

2006-12-08 09:36:14 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-08 09:33:47 · 4 answers · asked by namasterwc 2

Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

2006-12-08 09:33:10 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why does Helen Keller play the piano with one hand?







She's singing with the other one!

2006-12-08 09:33:05 · 8 answers · asked by kriskay08 1

One day, a mom was cleaning her son's room, and in the closet she founda bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.

He looked at it, and handed it back to her without a word. She finally
asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?"

The dad looked at her and said "Well, I don't think you should spank
him."

2006-12-08 09:28:44 · 23 answers · asked by a m 4

Once upon a time, a rich Irish guy was sitting at a bar.
He was throwing money around, giving the barman hundred dollar tips and
buying drinks for everyone.

A crowd of adoring women surrounded him.
The barman liked the tips, but he was kind of curious about a little man that
would jump from the rich guy's pocket.

The little man would run up and down the bar,
kicking over the bowls of peanuts and giving people the finger.
Then the little guy would jump back into the man's jacket for a while.

The barman went over and asked the guy what was up.
So the rich guy says, "Well, let me tell you a little story;
”I was walking along a beach one day, and I come across this lamp.
I rub it, and a genie popped out. I got three wishes, so my first wish was to be fabulously wealthy, then I wished for a full head of hair. You can see I got
both."

The barman asks, "So what about that little guy in your jacket?"

"Oh, that," mumbles the rich guy. "That's the twelve-inch prick I wished for."

2006-12-08 09:24:27 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Irishman came home unexpectedly and found his wife in bed with his best friend.

He was so distressed that he rushed to the drawer, took out a revolver and pointed it to his head.

"I can't take this," he cried.
"My wife and my best friend in bed together. I'm going to shoot myself".

At this, the wife began to laugh.

"I don't know what you're laughing at," said the Irishman.
"You're next."

2006-12-08 09:20:18 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree. "I've kidnapped you!", said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bad was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

2006-12-08 09:18:38 · 10 answers · asked by bbwandsingle1980 3

kind of like that joke above, but different

2006-12-08 09:15:20 · 3 answers · asked by Book of Changes 3

A retired man goes to the Social Security office to apply for his pension.After waiting in line for a long time he got to the counter.The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age.He looked in his pockets and realized that he left his wallet at home.He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.Will I have to go home and come back?The woman says"unbutton your shirt". So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.She says that silver hair is proof enough for me and she processed his application.When he gets home the man excitedly tells his wife about his experiance at the Social Security office.She said you should have dropped your pants,you might have qualified for disability too.

2006-12-08 09:06:53 · 28 answers · asked by a m 4

2006-12-08 09:03:39 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 O’clock in the morning, a resounding noise came form outside...

The woman, sort of bewildered, jumps up from the bed and yells at the man:
- “Sh*t!, that must be my husband!”

So the guy quickly got out of bed , scared, and naked. He jumped out the window like a crazy man, smashed himself on the ground, went through a thorn bush, then he stood up and started to run fast to his car.

Just a few minutes later he returns and tells the woman:
- I’m your husband, you bi*ch!!!

So the woman answers:
- Oh, yeah?!! And why were you fu*king running?!! You son of a b*tch!

2006-12-08 09:01:05 · 24 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

2006-12-08 09:00:37 · 3 answers · asked by munchkin 1

2006-12-08 08:59:09 · 12 answers · asked by Book of Changes 3

A parrot was in a pet shop with a string attached to each leg
when a man walked in looking to buy a pet. A shopkeeper came
over and started to try and sell him a dog when the man noticed
the parrot. He asked what the strings were for and the shopkeeper replied, "Well, if you pull the right string the parrot says, 'Polly wanna cracker'. If you pull the left string it says,
'my name's Sam' ".

The man being of the inquisitive nature tried both and thought
it was really neat, but was still curious. So he asked what
would happen if he pulled both strings, the parrot piped up,
"I'd fall off the perch you idiot!!!"

2006-12-08 08:58:49 · 18 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

2006-12-08 08:56:55 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says, "I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful
rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?" She agrees and a date is made.

The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face. He is stunned. "What was that for?" he asked.

She said, "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopedia last night and it said 'Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall.'"

2006-12-08 08:55:57 · 29 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

a blonde with pigtails ?

2006-12-08 08:49:09 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister, Louella, was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done some years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.
She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with…



A Misdewiener!

2006-12-08 08:46:56 · 4 answers · asked by La Chula 2

This will be a far less confusing riddle.

You have 9 pennies. 1 of these pennies weighs less than the other eight; however, besides weight, the pennies are indistinguishable. You have to find out which one of these pennies is the one that weighs less than the others.
But your only weighing device is a balancing scale, so you will not get any numeric weights. Also you only get to use the scale twice.
Plan a way to discover which penny weighs less that will work every time and not rely on chance.

Note: Just weighing one penny against another leaves the chance that one of the other seven is the penny that weighs less. Therefore, it is unacceptable. You must plan a method that will allow you to discover which penny it is everytime.

2006-12-08 08:39:22 · 10 answers · asked by jazzman1127 2

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?'"

As far as I'm concerned", the drunk replied, "any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

2006-12-08 08:38:00 · 20 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

1. Don’t imagine you can change a man — unless he’s in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
3. If they can put a man on the moon — they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man’s mind wander — it’s too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well — they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same — they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don’t make fools of men — most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn’t ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes; it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

2006-12-08 08:34:06 · 10 answers · asked by Forlorn Hope 7