Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

The word ton. foward it is heavy but backwards it is N-O-T. get it? I didn't get it at first and had to think about it at first.

2006-12-07 08:19:53 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young woman teacher explains to her class of childrne that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are athiests too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not an atheist", she replied. "Then", asks the teacher, "what are you?". "I'm a Christian." The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason", she says loudly. What about if your mom was a moron and your dad was a moron? What would you be then?" A pause and a smile. "Then", says Lucy, "I'd be an atheist".

2006-12-07 08:18:04 · 15 answers · asked by AngryAmerican82 3

his mistake it was £25 not £30 and sends the bellboy with a fiver to give to the 3 men but the bellboy doesnt know how to divide £5 into 3.so he gives them £1 each and takes the other £2 for the charity box.so now they have paid £9 each which is £9x3=£27.the bellboy had £2 which adds up to £29.so where did the other pound go to

2006-12-07 08:16:42 · 20 answers · asked by arfa54321 5

A Bass-turd!

2006-12-07 08:13:58 · 4 answers · asked by Dragon Urine 1

**Don't get all offended, it's just a dumb joke.**



Three kids are in school...

A white, a black, and a mexican kid. The teacher tells them to make a sentence with the words liver and cheese.

White kid says: "My mom made me a liver and cheese sandwich and it was sooo good."

Black kid says: "My daddy told my momma to go get the Government cheese and she didn't, so my daddy punched her in the liver."

Mexican kid says: "Some kids were trying to look under my sister's dress and I told the cabrones, "Hey!!! Liver
alone, cheese my sister!!!

2006-12-07 08:10:27 · 13 answers · asked by La Chula 2

way to town get raped in the woods. What are going to tell Mother Superior when we get back about being raped twice. What do you mean twice says the other ? Well says the first sister we dont want to to back another way do we !!!!!

2006-12-07 08:04:04 · 8 answers · asked by Shredder 6

THE HARDEST C0CK IN THE WORLD!

2006-12-07 08:03:11 · 9 answers · asked by Dragon Urine 1

This man had been having a few beers down at the neighbourhood bar. It was dark out and he was walking home by a park when nature called so he stepped behind a hedge to relieve himself. To his and their surprise a couple were going at it on the grass and he almost stepped on them. The guy got up and took off running.

The man could see the naked outline of the gals bare legs as she continued to lie there while he relieved himself. He could feel his interest grow as he finished. Without a word he got down on his knees between her legs and took advantage of the situation. She embraced him and showed her willingness.

Just as they were both getting into it hot and heavy a cop walked by and shined his flashlight on them saying, “What the hell do you think your doing, this is a public park.”

The man said, “But officer this is my wife.”

The officer said, “Oh, I didn’t know she was your wife.”

The man said, “Neither did I ’till you shined your light on her.”

2006-12-07 08:00:26 · 13 answers · asked by lilsstren 1

A man walks in to a bar tells the keeper to line em up 3 shots. He slams them down. The keeper says whats wrong ? He says just found out my older brother is gay. Keeper says to bad. The guy leaves and comes in the next day. Keeper line me up 3 shots. He slams them down. Keeper says whats wrong ? He says just found out my youngest brother is gay. Keeper thats to bad. The guy leaves and comes back the next day. Says keeper line me up 3 shots. The guy slams them down. The keeper says dang man does anybody in your family like women? The guy says yes my WIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-12-07 07:59:55 · 22 answers · asked by wipeoutartist 1

Dentally retarded.

2006-12-07 07:58:31 · 8 answers · asked by Dragon Urine 1

An introvert went to bar and spots a pretty looking woman sitting on the stool. He mustered all his courage for long time, then timidly approached and asked her, “Ma’ am, would be OK if sit here and talk with you?”


She was alert, suspecting this man, and responds by yelling, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!”


Customers in the bar started staring at them. The embarrassed guy quickly returns to his table dejected and ashamed.


The young woman, waits a little and then goes to the guy to apologize. With a smile on her face she says, “I am sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I am a college student in psychiatry and I am putting together a thesis as to how people react to embarrassing moments.”


The cunning guy now yells loudly, “What do you mean by $500?”

2006-12-07 07:55:43 · 10 answers · asked by lilsstren 1

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband's sex drive.

'What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor.

Not a chance' says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

'No problem,' replies the doctor. 'Drop it into his coffee,he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.'

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went.

'Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.'

What happened?' asks the doctor.

'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make wild passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible!

'What was terrible?' said the doctor, 'Was the sex not good?'

'Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years... but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again!'

2006-12-07 07:52:09 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

it is a metaphor riddle

2006-12-07 07:51:25 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.
The next night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car. With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat. "Honey," she asked,
"have you seen my other shoe?"

2006-12-07 07:49:27 · 35 answers · asked by Pd 6

Irish fella, couldn't understand why he had one brother but his sister had two !!!!!

2006-12-07 07:48:36 · 9 answers · asked by Shredder 6

2006-12-07 07:48:02 · 8 answers · asked by flavorlicious 2

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the car, fishing, always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the driveway." THE DOCTORS SAY I WILL WALK AGAIN, BUT I WILL ALWAYS HAVE A LIMP. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

2006-12-07 07:44:01 · 31 answers · asked by Pd 6

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie (Corb), leans out the window and asks the shepherd, “If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?” The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, “Sure. Why not?” The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the

2006-12-07 07:41:43 · 11 answers · asked by lilsstren 1

2006-12-07 07:40:28 · 24 answers · asked by jare bare 6

The one the bulimic girl tells her mom (that she heard at the bowling alley)...that ends with TAKE IT ALL, *****! What is the whole joke, and is it actually funny?

2006-12-07 07:36:45 · 2 answers · asked by jamie 2

One dark night, a man was walking home alone, down a dark street that ran right by the local cemetary. As he passed the gates, he heard a bump in the darkness behind him. He stopped and turned to see what it was. Coming down the road behind him was a coffin, standing on end, bumping from side to side - BUMP, BUMP, BUMP. The man, terrified for his life turned and ran. Behind him, the coffin came faster - BUMP, BUMP, BUMP! The man turned the corner onto his street and ran through his front gate, the coffin right behind him. The man dashed in his house, but the coffin crashed through the front door. The man ran upstairs into his bathroom and the coffin followed. He grabbed a bottle of cough syrup and threw it at the coffin and finally the coffin stopped.

2006-12-07 07:34:49 · 22 answers · asked by motorcitysmadman 4

Because he was always getting nailed to the boards.

2006-12-07 07:31:04 · 6 answers · asked by jamie 2

because her boyfriend is blonde too!

2006-12-07 07:23:22 · 14 answers · asked by Raidered81 3

How many legs

2006-12-07 07:21:18 · 27 answers · asked by Randal S 1

A roaming catholic of course!!!!

2006-12-07 07:15:07 · 11 answers · asked by vegasqueen1970 4

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It's called a Wedding Cake

2006-12-07 07:14:03 · 11 answers · asked by eyepopping hideous female troll 4

a university graduate and an old aboriginie had to come up with a poem to see who the winner of the contest would be.They were given one word, TIMBUKTU.

first the graduate.
slowly across the desert sand,
trekked a lonely caravan,
men on camels two by two
destination timbuktu.

the crowd went wild. no way could the old abbo top that.
the old man calmy went up to the microphone and recited

me and Tim a huntin went,
met three whores in a pop up tent,
they was three
and we was two
so i bucked one and timbuktu..................... the abbo won......

2006-12-07 07:13:10 · 9 answers · asked by chris w. 7

so one decides to ran up the hallway to the bedroom and bring back soap.

Taking a careful glance into the hallway, he ran up to the bedroom, naked as he was born, collected two bars of soap and ran back down the hallway hoping to make it to the showering room before anyone sees him.

But as fate would have it, 3 Nuns were coming up the hallway. The priest thinking fast, stood straight up against the wall like a statue with his hands behind his back.

The Nuns thought this was a real life like statue and became curious. The first Nun blushingly pull at his manhood, the priest trying to maintain composure drops a bar of soap.

Oh my God, its a soap dispenser! The Nuns exclaims.
The second Nun wanted to try, so she too pulls at his manhood. The priest now drops the second bar of soap.

The third Nun wants a try too, so she pulls, nothing, she pulls againg, nothing, so she pulls and pulls then suddenly she exclaims,

" Holy Mary, mother of God, .....LIQUID SOAP!

2006-12-07 07:08:21 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

I made this joke up, but I want to see how many of you come up with the same punch line I did or perhaps a better one. I will post my punch line later.

How many blondes can you get into a V.W. ?

2006-12-07 07:07:18 · 16 answers · asked by fbbfh 3

a guy was driving along in his sierra 4x4 one evening up a country lane and suddenly hit two black gentleman who were out walking.

One hit the windscreen, bounced off and ended up in a field nearby, injured. The other, slightly bigger built man, hit the windscreen, and ended up in the back seat of the car, also badly injured.

The police arrived quickly with lights flashing. They asked the distressed driver what happened....Well, he said, i saw these two black gentlemen waliking, tried to swerve to avoid hitting them but couldnt! Now one is in that field, and the other in my back seat.

Come on sir, the officer said, what really happened??

O.k. officer, the truth, .. i saw these two black men walking, put my foot down to run them over!

Thats o.k. the officer said, i shall do one for leaving the scene of a crime, and the other for not wearing a seat belt!

2006-12-07 06:59:06 · 28 answers · asked by alca b 1