Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

if you get right you will get the best answer

2006-12-07 02:36:15 · 22 answers · asked by Torch 2

"If I'm going to BE impotent, I've got to LOOK impo'tant!"

2006-12-07 02:35:31 · 9 answers · asked by Chris 4

I don't and I didn't believe in it when i was a cat.

2006-12-07 02:27:26 · 19 answers · asked by robdent31 2

2006-12-07 01:56:34 · 22 answers · asked by robdent31 2

it is thing have no thing , except this thing have thing
what is thing ?

2006-12-07 01:53:58 · 11 answers · asked by merg20056 2

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and
sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says:
"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner
Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says:
"What's wrong with you?"
In the elevator
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you
the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall,
I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weighs 3 pounds
each, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,
"Turn around."

2006-12-07 01:53:42 · 22 answers · asked by ? 3

hope you have not heard it ...

A successful Montana rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job, One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great, You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock, and no hired hand.

2006-12-07 01:43:46 · 24 answers · asked by Tabor 4

An Italian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell
phone. He hangs up,
grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody
in the bar announcing his wife had produced a typical Italian baby
boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but
the Italian guy just shrugs, "That's about average back home, folks......like I
said, my boy's a
typical Italian bambino."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations
of "WOW"....one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later he returns to the bar.

The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that typical Italian
baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets
about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, concerned! , and a little suspicious.
"What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"

The Italian father takes a long swig of Sambuca, wipes his lips on
his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says.....

"We had him circumcised."

2006-12-07 01:37:08 · 23 answers · asked by TroubleRose 6

'Twas the night before Payback and all through the land,
The Taliban are running like rabbits in Afghanistan.
Osama's been praying, he's down on his knees,
He's hoping that Allah will hear all his pleas.

He thought if he killed us that we'd fall and shatter,
But all that he's done is just make us madder.
We haven't yet forgotten our Marines in Beirut,
And we'll kick your ***, with one heavy boot.

And yes we remember the USS Cole,
And the lives of our sailors that you b----rds stole.
You think you can rule us and cause us to fear,
You'll soon get the answer if you live to hear.

And we ain't forgotten your buddy Saddam,
And he ain't forgotten the sound of our bombs.
You think that those mountains are somewhere to hide,
They'll go down in history as the place where you died

2006-12-07 01:17:27 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Man arrives at a lunatic asylum. Just after driving through the gates he gets a flat. He opens the trunk/boot of the car and proceeds to change the wheel. A patient was watching him intently; others were just wandering around aimlessly. When he had got the wheel balanced on the studs he groped around to find the wheel nuts, but to his horror they had disappeared. Cursing his luck the patient behind him was asked if he saw anyone take the wheel nuts. He didn’t but suggested an alternative. Remove just one wheel nut from each wheel and put them to use on the wheel he was changing. A brilliant idea, he thought. When he was finished and all the tools put away he asked the patient what he was here for with intelligence like that and was told he didn’t know. “Well”, said the man “when I get up to the Office I am going to tell them what you did and see what they can do for you”.
With that he turned round; as he opened the car door a brick hit him square on the head. He spun round to see who threw it and the patient said ‘You’ll not forget, will you?’”

2006-12-07 01:16:44 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

and told he was dropped because his recent form was poor, when asked what was wrong he said he had a tiger jigsaw he couldnt do and it was driveing him mad, feeling sorry for him the boss told him to bring it in and they would do it together, Becks bounces in the next day and emptys the contents of the box onto the bosses desk, the England boss yells "Becks! get those Frosties of my desk!".

2006-12-07 01:10:28 · 15 answers · asked by Sue C 2

A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office.
She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor.

After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman.
"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor.

She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table.
The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination.

The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says -
"No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!"

The woman with a wry grin on her face responds..."Well of course I don't."
"I'm his aunt - but I'm SURE GLAD I brought him in!"

2006-12-07 01:09:49 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

...cause you looked at this question.

remember in the 40 year old virgin the 2 guys were doing this? what's your answer to "know how i know your gay"?

2006-12-07 01:08:31 · 11 answers · asked by Tighe 2

A person reviewing people in an insane asylum walks around and is pleased with what he sees. He starts to review patients to see what they will do when they get out.

He walks up to the first guy and sees him throwing a football around. He automatically knows that he wants to be a football player.

He walks up to another guy and sees him throwing a baseball around. He could automatically tell that he wanted to be a baseball player.

He walks to the next cell and sees a man with his d--k in a bowl of peanuts. He flips out and asks what he is doing. The man replies "I'm f--king nuts, I'm never getting out of here!"

2006-12-07 01:04:43 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-07 00:56:09 · 11 answers · asked by amazed !!! 4

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams - "this is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you...
What the hell did you think I said?

2006-12-07 00:52:27 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mr. Gorgeous Fluffpot has just eaten a very garlicky spag-bol cooked by him and is now wandering around the house leaving a stinky trail of garlic behind him. I have all the windows open and am typing with a clothes-peg on my nose, but how can I get his breath nice and clean before he gets into bed tonight and I have to share the same air. HELP!!

2006-12-07 00:49:00 · 34 answers · asked by gorgeousfluffpot 5

just got this joke emailed to me.....don't mean to offend anyone:
(i thought it was ok)

Favourite joke around Sky News this week:

Al-Jazeera were planning to launch an
interactive service. They decided against it
when they realised if they told their viewers
to press the red button, half their viewers
would blow up.

2006-12-07 00:40:05 · 28 answers · asked by Jamieson 5

I bet you cannot answer this!!!

5 people went to a restaurant. They sat to eat, and a waiter came to them. When the order was taken, a man from another table called that waiter and asked him to call John from the table he went just a minute ago.
It seems that the waiter did succeed to call that 'John' of the table.
How??????????

2006-12-07 00:38:47 · 12 answers · asked by Sakib 1

Again in world news farmer and wife get caught having sex with their animals (dog and horse) but it is legal in there state and it was with the animals consent ( they say) ...ever done it??? should we be judged for what we enjoy ! ..what are your views??

2006-12-07 00:37:55 · 13 answers · asked by suesrulz 1

A woman is in hospital in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her ‘private area’ when they notice a response on the monitor when they touch her ‘down there’.
The tell the doctor and he goes to the husband to inform of this fact, explaining that , “Crazy as this may sound, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma”
The husband is very skeptical about this but the doctor encourages him to give it a go. They’ll close the curtains for privacy, besides it’s worth a try. The husband finally agrees and goes to his wife’s bedside.
After a few minutes the woman’s monitors flat-lines and all the alarms go off, no pulse, no heart rate…….
The nurses run into the room panicking, the husband is standing there, pulling up his trousers and he says ‘I think she’s choked’.

2006-12-07 00:27:33 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

TRUE STORY:
yesterday the American Air Force had to get a plane to land back down again because a woman had let out a fart and lit a match to get rid of the smell
hahahaha

2006-12-07 00:12:15 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Here are some of the jokes & stories I have heard and adapted.
It's cold, dark and wet outside, so hopefully these will give you a bit of a smile.

A Tale of World War II http://uk.blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-YVvDdK0mer.3xIIFPAibOQ--?cq=1&p=21

Bar Jokes http://uk.blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-YVvDdK0mer.3xIIFPAibOQ--?cq=1&p=22

The Hurfl http://uk.blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-YVvDdK0mer.3xIIFPAibOQ--?cq=1&p=23

Simon's De Tomaso Mangusta http://uk.blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-YVvDdK0mer.3xIIFPAibOQ--?cq=1&p=24

Pig Prosthetics http://uk.blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-YVvDdK0mer.3xIIFPAibOQ--?cq=1&p=25

Archeological Find http://uk.blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-YVvDdK0mer.3xIIFPAibOQ--?cq=1&p=26

2006-12-06 23:59:50 · 7 answers · asked by waycyber 6

TRY TEST READ MAN LOSE EVE


rearrange the letters in the above six words to make FOUR words only.
Use these words to decode '0718-7142 RHC'

HINT: three of your four words should make a sentence. this sentence is a clue to 'THE SOLUTION'

2006-12-06 23:53:16 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A cowboy rides into town after a six month cattle drive. After several drinks he calls the barman over and comments that there are no women in this establishment. The barman agrees and remarks that not only are there no ladies in the bar but none in the whole town. “Well, what do you do for sex?” he asked. The barman says that they f*ck Herbert. The cowboy says “Hmmph I am not like that” and carries on drinking. After several bottles of redeye, the cowboy calls the barman over and in a quiet voice says “If I f*ck Herbert, how many people have to know about it” ‘Seven’ was the barman’s reply. “SEVEN, how the f*ck do you make it seven?” he cries. ‘Well, let me see, there’s you and me, that makes two, there’s Herbert that makes three and there’s four guys to hold him down coz Herbert, he’s not like that either!”

2006-12-06 23:48:35 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Met a friend a few months ago, he had one eye closed and black.
'What haveyou been up to?'
'Well, I was in church yesterday, it was really muggy. I was behind Mrs. Jones. Well, when we stood for a sing, I noticed that her dress was caught between the cheaks of her bum, and I pulled it out.'

The following week I bumped into him again, this time the other eye was even worse
'You been doing it again'
'Well not exactly, there I was same place, she stood up and there it was again. My mate reached over and pulled it out. I thought, she doesnt like that, so I pushed it back.

2006-12-06 23:47:25 · 15 answers · asked by lulu 6

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.


"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."


heres another one i know
I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"

The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room.

About an houI was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"

The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room.

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."

The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air."
The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."

2006-12-06 23:34:55 · 19 answers · asked by blue_lead_sky 1

How do you know if a frenchman has been in your back garden???

Your bins are empty and your dogs pregnant!

2006-12-06 23:26:49 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A mysterious gypsy vendor lays out some coins. Each coin has a different letter on it laid out in the following order:

A C E L R N T U I S T Y N D E I L E R A R N A U M W O H A R R G D C I N G

"When you arrange these coins properly, it will spell out a question to which you must find the answer," the vendor advised you.

What is the answer?

2006-12-06 23:24:16 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

It was Friday afternoon and wee Jimmy had been brought into ward 10 he was shouting at the top of his voice
"Hey nurse I need a SH***" ,the sister went over to his bed and said to him"Jimmy we dont say words like that in here people will think you are ignorant, in here if you want the toilet we say nurse I need a number 1 which is a pee, if you want a poo we say nurse I need a number 2", the sister got him a bedpan and 15 minutes later she went off duty for the weekend.
Monday morning at 8am she enters the ward to find wee Jimmy standing on his bed, holding his bum,crying and screaming the place down.
"Whats the matter Jimmy are you in pain" she said
Oh sister it's awful replied Jimmy still holding his bum, I need a sh*** but I can't remember the number.

2006-12-06 23:16:45 · 8 answers · asked by st.abbs 5