Some Jokes & Shaggy Dog Stories?

Question

Here are some of the jokes & stories I have heard and adapted.
It's cold, dark and wet outside, so hopefully these will give you a bit of a smile.

A Tale of World War II http://uk.blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-YVvDdK0mer.3xIIFPAibOQ--?cq=1&p=21

Bar Jokes http://uk.blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-YVvDdK0mer.3xIIFPAibOQ--?cq=1&p=22

The Hurfl http://uk.blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-YVvDdK0mer.3xIIFPAibOQ--?cq=1&p=23

Simon's De Tomaso Mangusta http://uk.blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-YVvDdK0mer.3xIIFPAibOQ--?cq=1&p=24

Pig Prosthetics http://uk.blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-YVvDdK0mer.3xIIFPAibOQ--?cq=1&p=25

Archeological Find http://uk.blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-YVvDdK0mer.3xIIFPAibOQ--?cq=1&p=26

A Tale of World War Two
Shortly after the start of World War 2 the call went out to craftsmen and skilled workers to come to the aid of the Nation's defence.
One such was Nigel Webster. He had just finished his apprenticeship as an Oglogel Box Maker and was very keen to serve his country.
He went to the Army Recruitment Office.
"Well, Son, what do you do?" The Sergeant asked.
"I'm an Oglogel Box Maker, Sir!"
"What is an Oglogel Box?"
"Well, it's about 20 feet across, and 20 feet high..."
"That's too big for the Army to use. We would need to have special vehicles just to carry it. Try the Air Force."
So Nigel went to the Air Force.
"Well, Son, what do you do?" The Squadron Leader asked.
"I'm an Oglogel Box Maker, Sir!"
"What is an Oglogel Box?"
"Well, it's a cube that weighs about 3 Tons..."
"That's far too heavy to go in one of our aircraft, try the Navy."

So Nigel went to the Navy.
"Well, Son, what do you do?" The Midshipman asked.
"I'm an Oglogel Box Maker, Sir!"
"What is an Oglogel Box?"
"Well, it's a cube that weighs about 3 Tons."
"That's heavy, but our ships could carry it easily. How big is it?"
"About 20 feet per side, Sir."
"That's not a problem. What exactly does it do?"
"Well, Sir, I'm not allowed to say, but if you will let me make one, I can demonstrate it."
"OK, you’re in."
Some weeks later Nigel was on the HMS Fearless. Under his instruction, huge tarpaulins were erected on the deck and fastened securely. These rose up to form a wall so that no-one would see the secrets of the Oglogel Box that Nigel had sworn to preserve.
Over the next month, timber and nails and equipment were taken inside the work area and the air was full of the sounds of sawing and hammering.

At the end of 6 weeks, Nigel reported to the Captain that the work was done. HMS Fearless set sail for a demonstration of the Oglogel boxes strange properties.
As the ship positioned itself off of the coast near Penzance, the deck gradually filled with admirals and generals, politicians and nameless figures that stayed in the shadows.
The crowd watched, hushed now, as a crane swung over the area where the Oglogel box had been constructed. The hook went down and, after a while, Nigel called out that all was secure.
The crane took the strain. The motor rumbled with the effort of lifting the box. Slowly it rose from behind the tarpaulins, Nigel on the top steadying it. The crowd looked at this strange object.
It was, as Nigel had said, a cube about 20 feet per side. It had a large hole (about 3 feet across) in the centre of each of the sides. There were slots irregularly spaced above and below the hole. Also on each side were sets of arrows pointing upwards.

Nigel gave the signal and the crane turned so that the box hung over the side of the ship. The crowd surged to the guardrail to see what would happen next.
The box was lowered, gently, to the surface of the sea. Nigel very carefully unhooked the box and was lifted back onto the deck.
All eyes stared at the box, now floating a few feet away from the ship. Then they saw a spurt of water coming from the holes and it began to sink. And as it sank, it went
Oglogel, oglogel, oglogel

Bar Jokes
Tommy Cooper: "This man walks into a bar and says 'Ouch.' It was an iron bar!"
And there's more. Here are a couple of my favourites:
A monkey walks into a bar and says "Got any bananas?"
The barman says "No, this is a bar. We don't sell bananas, go away." And the monkey walks out.
The following day the monkey walks into the bar again and says "Got any bananas?"
The barman says "No, this is a bar. We don't sell bananas, go away." And the monkey walks out.
The following day the monkey walks into the bar again and says "Got any bananas?"
The barman says "No, this is a bar. I've told you twice, we don't sell bananas, go away. If you ask again I'll nail your hands to the bar, nail your feet to the floor, and use your head as a punchbag" And the monkey walks out.
The following day, the monkey walks into the bar and says "Got any nails?"
The barman says "No."
The monkey says "In that case, got any bananas?"

A man walks into a bar with a pork pie on his head, orders a pint, eats the pie and drinks his beer.
The following day he walks into the bar again with a pork pie on his head, orders a pint, eats the pie and drinks his beer.
The next day he walks into the bar with a cornish pastie on his head and orders a pint, eats the pastie and drinks his beer.
Full of curiosity, the barman says "'scuse me for asking, the last couple of days, you came in with a pork pie on your head, and today you come in with a Cornish pasty on your head. I'faith, goodsir, what accounts for this peculiar behaviour?" (He was a cockney barman)
The man replied "They ran out of pork pies."
--- Pause for laugh. Tumbleweed rolls, wind howls.
A white horse goes into a bar. The barman says "We've got a drink named after you?"
"What," replies the horse, "You have a drink called Matthew?"

The Hurfl
Peter lived with his Grandmother in a small cottage between a river and a field. At the far side of the field was the dark, dark forest.
Every day, Peter would have to cross the field to the dark, dark forest to collect wood for the fire. Every day, just before he left, his Grandmother told him "Remember, you must be out of the dark, dark forest before the Sun sets or the Hurfl will get you."
Peter had always managed to get out of the forest before sunset, so after a while he thought "There's no Hurfl, it's just a story my Grandmother made up to make sure I'm back home in time."
As the days got shorter and colder, Peter needed to get more and more wood for the fire. Each day took him deeper and deeper into the dark, dark forest.
So it was that, one day, Peter was still in the dark, dark forest after the Sun set. As night fell, the dark, dark forest looked less and less familiar. Peter tried to remember the way home, but was getting more and more lost.

Suddenly he heard a "snap!" He spun round, but saw nothing. Quietly, creeping along, he made his way through the dark, dark forest.
After a while, he relaxed. It must have been his imagination. There's no Hurfl. Then he heard another "Snap!" He spun, and thought he saw a black shape shoot behind a tree not far away from him.
Fear caught him. His heart began to pound loudly in his ears. He looked around and saw what looked like a familiar boulder. He ran with all his might. Then he heard it. Heavy footsteps behind him, louder than his heartbeat.
It was the Hurfl! And it was after Peter!
Peter dodged one way, then another, weaving a crazy path between the trees.
Still he heard the footsteps behind him, sounding like a horse in full gallop. And now, he began to hear the breathing. Rough, fast breathing, with a rumble to it like some mighty cat.

He ran and ran. Up ahead he thought he saw the light of his Grandmother's cottage the other side of the field. He ran further, getting closer and closer to the field.
Just as he was about a hundred feet away, he tripped on an old tree root and fell, tumbling, along the floor of the dark, dark forest.
The footsteps got closer. The breathing got nearer and slowed. Peter screwed up his eyes and waited for his fate. He smelt something like wet fur. He felt hot, damp breath on his neck. Felt a huge, fur covered claw land heavily on his shoulder. Then he heard the voice. It sounded as if it came from the deepest depths of the pit of destruction. In slow, measured tones it said:
"Tag, your it!"

Simon's De Tomaso Mangusta
Simon had always told his friends and family "When I win the Lotto I am going to buy a classic De Tomaso Mangusta, the sleekest, most stylish, car ever made." Of course, no-one took him seriously.
But, amazingly enough, Simon DID win the Lotto. His face was almost splitting in two as he smiled from ear to ear. That car would be his.
He went down to the showroom and sat in the car of his dreams. The salesman was droning on about the features, but Simon knew them all by heart. He watched the salesman's face as he wrote out a cheque for the full amount. This was one car he wouldn't need a loan for. The salesman's face took on a fixed look as he realised he wasn't going to make commission here.
All forms signed, insurance arranged, Simon eased the car out of the showroom. He closed his eyes and touched the accelerator briefly, just to hear the roar, then he pulled out into the traffic.

Simon drove through the city streets and out into the country. There was a road he knew, long and straight, going over hills, and there wouldn't be much traffic on it. No speed cameras either.
He found the road and just sat in the car, looking over his chosen course and imagining how the car would feel. All was clear. No traffic. FOOT DOWN!!
Simon accelerated slowly at first, feeling the thrust of the car as the speedometer needle rose faster and faster. 30MPH, 40MPH, 50MPH...
He glanced at his rear-view mirror and thought he saw a dark shape come over the hill behind him. It was approaching fast. Catching him up. Simon put his foot down harder. 60MPH, 70MPH, 80MPH...
The shape was still gaining on him. It was only a few yards behind the car. Then it passed him. Simon was astonished, it was a CHICKEN!!!
As it pulled away ahead of him Simon accelerated faster and faster. He was doing 112MPH and was hardly gaining on the chicken.

Suddenly it shot off the road into a farm. Simon hit the brakes which squealed and complained as the car slammed to a halt. Dust and tyre smoke billowed out in dark clouds all around him.
Simon dashed out of the car into the farm. A farmer was looking over the fence at an enclosure full of chickens.
"Sir, I know this sounds mad, but one of your chickens was running along the road at over 100MPH."
"That's roight, Sor."
Simon looked at the chickens. They each had 6 legs.
"You see, our marrket research sez people loiks chicken legs, so we breeds 'em with 6."
"That's amazing. How do they taste?"
"Dunno. No-ones caught one yet."

Pig Prosthetics
Robert was taking his family for a tour of a farm In Dustham. All was well until little Billy ran up to him and yelled. “Daddy, Daddy! That pig has got a wooden leg!” Robert told him not to be silly, but Billy yelled again “Daddy, Daddy! That pig really HAS a wooden leg!” So the whole family went over to the pen and, sure enough, there was a pig with a wooden leg.

Robert called to the farmer and asked him “Prithee, Goodsir, methinks ‘tis odd that yon pig has a leg of wood. Pray, what manner of thing is this?” (Robert had mastered the local dialect).

“Well, mate, it’s like this, innit?” (The farmer was actually from Clorxey Green). “When me and the missus was just starting up here, all we could afford was that pig. Got him when he was just a piglet.”

“Verrily, Goodsir,” (Robert was a bit slow on the uptake). “But why the leg as wooden as any oak?”

“Well, mate, it’s like this, innit? In the first week we got him he starts nuzzling the ground by that tree over there. We starts digging and there’s this huge pile of Roman coins. We got £250,000 for that.”

“Yes, but why the wooden leg?” (By Big George he’s got it!).

“Well, mate, it’s like this, innit? Abaht 6 months ago a burglar broke in tied up me and the missus, took all our money and jewellery and ran off. That pig jumped out of his pen, chased after the burglar, knocked him out, got into the house, chewed off the ropes on me and the missus, went back and sat on the burglar until the police came.”

“But WHY THE WOODEN LEG?”

“Well, mate, it’s like this, innit? Only last month I was working the lower field, when one of the tractor wheels sinks into the grahnd. The whole thing tips over and pins me dahn. I couldn’t move. I thought I was a gonner, and no mistake.

That pig jumps out of his pen and starts digging away at the earth around me and drags me out. I owe my life to that pig.”

“Yes, yes, yes. BUT WHY THE WOODEN LEG!!!”

“Well, mate, it’s like this, innit? Last Tuesday our niece went for a paddle in the pond. She slips and hits her head on a rock. That pig jumps out of his pen and drags her out. Then it does CPR on her. It saved her life.”

“Look, if you don’t tell us why that pig has a wooden leg, I’m going to beat you senseless.”

“Well, mate, it’s obvious, innit? You have a pig that good; you don’t eat him all at once!! Streaky bacon anybody? Fresh!”

Archeological Find
In the County of Meath in Eastern Ireland lies the Boyne Valley. An area that has fascinated scholars and archeologists for centuries. There you find Brú na Bóinne, the Palace of Boyne. There you find Dowth, Newgrange and Knowth; Dozens of burial tunnels criss-cross the area. They were built about 3200BC making them older than the Pyramids or Stonehenge.

Richard Watkins of Stanford University was part of a team that were investigating Tunnel 22 that runs north-south through Newgrange. About 122 metres down the tunnel he discovered what appeared to be an ancient cave-in. After 3 days careful work, Watkins and his team discovered that the rocks concealed the entrance to a roughly circular chamber about 4 metres in diameter.

There were clear signs that this chamber was not a burial chamber but showed signs of being inhabited at one time. There were the remains of a fire below a gap in the ceiling that was once, presumably, a primitive chimney and source of light. There were the tattered rags that may have been bedding or clothing and some artefacts (one of which was a knife dated about the eighth century AD).

An examination of the chamber provided evidence that the occupant was connected with a monastery near Drogheda on the River Mattock that pre-dated Mellifont Abbey built on the same site by some 200 years. Records discovered at the abbey site indicated a Monk called MUIREADHACH was entrusted with a "pagan relic so foul it must be forever banished from the world of the living."

This reference led Watkins to re-examine the chamber, whereupon he found a hiding place cunningly carved into the chamber wall and hidden behind a close fitting stone. There was a solid mass about 1 metre by 1 metre by 0.5 metre behind the stone and great care had to be taken in order not to cause any undue damage.

The mass was packaged up and sent to Truro University where Professor John Dean led the team that was to analyse and preserve the find.

It was discovered that the outer part of the mass consisted of about 5 goat skins; each had to be removed separately. Within was an ancient book. The cover was made of wood and fastened with metal clasps. The pages were fastened to the covers with cords that had only survived because of the protection of the goatskins and the atmosphere of the cavern.

At last the team was able to see the first few pages of the book. They contained drawings, now faded, but were once rich in colour. Alongside these drawings were the spidery writings of the scribe in an ancient version of Gaelic (it pre-dated the use of Roman letters).

The search was on for someone who could translate the book. That search ended in Adelaide, Australia with Bryan Tewkes. Tewkes had done extensive research on Pre-Roman Civilisations of the British Isles. It was he that finally identified the book that had filled the ancient monks with so much horror:

"Irish Dancing Part 2: The Hand & Arm Movements"

Answer 1

cute especially the "herfl" and "archaeological find"

Answer 2

this could be my last answer as after reading about 1/2 way through I am rapidly losing the will to live

Answer 3

copy and paste them cos i cant get to them, they have been blocked from my internet
boo hoo

Answer 4

can you make that a bit longer? I have all day

Answer 5

I can't be the only one with a f*cking headache !!

Answer 6

just copy paste all the jokes/stories!!!!

Answer 7

LOL. LOL.

Thanks for the laughs, and the story.

Have a great evening!