Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

Devil is to Lived as 63323 is to...
A)62363
B)36522
C)32336
D)63323

2006-12-05 10:58:03 · 15 answers · asked by sweet_ice 1

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.

A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?"

"I dunno," came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"

2006-12-05 10:56:11 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. What is the difference between a woman in the church and a woman in the bath?
One has hope in her soul while the other has soap in her hole.

2. Why does Monica Le Winsky have puffed-up cheeks?
Because she is withholding evidence.

3. What did Elton John say to Michael Jackson?
Don't let your son go down on me.

4. What does a priest and a Christmas tree have in common?
Both have balls as decoration.

5. How can you tell if the lesbians are twins?
They lick alike.

6. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How can you breathe through that thing?

7. What does a kodak camera and a condom have in common?
Both capture the moment.

8. What does the coffin and the condom have in common?
Both contain stiff meat but one is going and the other is coming.

9. What do you call a gay sheriff?
Fastest gums in the west.

10.What is the greatest ambition of a gay astronaut?
To land on planet Uranus.

11.If tennis players get tennis elbow, what do gynaecologists get?
Tunnel vision.

12.What do vibrators and soya beans have in common?
They are meat substitutes.

2006-12-05 10:54:42 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

One morning, a wife says to her husband "I had a dream that you bought me the most beautiful necklace.. And it came through the post tomorrow.. What do you think it means..?"

The husband replies, "Well, you'll find out tomorrow, when I'm at work.."

The next day, a delivery came through the door.. A square package.. The woman, rushes to it and rips it open.. It was a book, she reads what it says.. 'The meaning of dreams..'

2006-12-05 10:51:01 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

2006-12-05 10:50:53 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Polish man, "Read it,... I know him!".

2006-12-05 10:32:18 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Architect says a wife is better. You can have a family and build a strong foundation.

The Artist says a mistress is better. You can be free and creative. She can be your muse.

The Engineer says it is best to have both. Your wife will think you are with your mistress; Your mistress will think you are with your wife; and you can lock yourself in the office and get some work done.

2006-12-05 10:30:00 · 5 answers · asked by norman j 3

2006-12-05 10:29:34 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman went to a family funeral... While she was there - she met the lovliest most attractive man she'd ever met. The more they talked the more she liked him but at the end of the day he went home, she didn't know his second name, nobody else knew him but she was desparate to see him again.
What did she do....?

I'll tell you the correct answer in a few days!!!

2006-12-05 10:29:30 · 16 answers · asked by nitenurse 3

1. Whose dogs are this??

Bimbo
Blondi
Gromit
Gnasher
Snoopy

2. What are the names of these cities?

City of the Angels
City of Love
City of the Violet Crown
Crescent City
Empire City
Fair City
Forbidden City
Soul City
The Stampede City
Windy City
Motor City
Music City

3. One of the words on this page is mispelled. Can you find it?

just thought i could lighten up everyone's mood. have fun everyone =) i'll be back to post the answers. feel free to rate if you liked it or not

2006-12-05 10:23:05 · 3 answers · asked by §èxÿtàmmý ® 5

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of

them and opened his trench coat. Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Seeing this, Maude also had a stroke. But Tilly, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

2006-12-05 10:19:54 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Husband Store

A Store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE !

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . . you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love
kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love
kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

2006-12-05 10:17:58 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-05 10:14:28 · 15 answers · asked by cokeeye 1

1. China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.
2. I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out.
3. A dude is walking down the street, when a stick-up man pulls out a gun and says "Your money or your life!" An extremely long silence follows. "Your money or your life!" the thug repeats. Finally he says "I’m thinking!"
4. I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.
5. TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
6. A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
7. A guy who calls up the Home Shopping Network. They said "Can I help you?" and he said "No, I'm just looking."

2006-12-05 10:12:51 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Here's the deal answer the ? correctly get 10 points 4 b/a otherwise read the jokes below

10 points for the correct answer to How do i get my ? to scroll under best of answers on the Y/A home page so everyone will read it?
what do i do?
i see a lot of peoples ?s that are still open but what do i do to get one of my open ?s up there under best of answers so everyone can see it

A guy is hiking up a mountain when he sees a girl standing at the edge of a cliff, crying. "Hey," he says, "if you're going to jump, how about giving me a ******** before you do it?" "My life's been nothing but crap," says the girl. "So I might as well." After the girl's done, the guy says, "Wow, that was great! Why are you so depressed, anyway?" The girl replies, "My family disowned me for dressing like a woman."

wait 2 seconds or so i am posting more right now

2006-12-05 10:12:16 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

2006-12-05 10:09:50 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very
attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars
on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude."

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and
yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up
and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all
the money, the dice, her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally,
one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know I didn't see anything but a
very nice pair of t-ts and a tight little butt... I thought YOU
were watching!"

I was, I was watching the same thing as you.

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

2006-12-05 10:05:30 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

10. He eats milk and cookies -- and nails your wife

9. Every naughty thing you did this year was videotaped and posted on the Internet

8. On Christmas morning, your stocking stuffed with a severed leg

7. Only "gift" you received was left by Blitzen on your living room carpet

6. Instead of, "Ho, Ho, Ho," greets you with, "Nice sweater, fat ***"

5. Leaves mysterious letter, "I know when you are sleeping, I know how to kill a man without leaving any marks"

4. You get no presents -- when you bump into him later, he gives you lame, "I thought you were Jewish" excuse

3. Brings you one copy of every Kathie Lee CD

2. Turns his reindeer loose on you

1. Writes "Happy Holidays" in the snow on the rooftop

2006-12-05 09:59:43 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ok sometimes people don't understand that it's only a joke.. So No offence to anyone.. (I know it's really old)

A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her, sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "No..Yes..No..Yes..No..Yes"

2006-12-05 09:58:50 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-05 09:55:11 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

irish guy walking down the street and notices a sandwich on the pavement with 2 red wires sticking out of it,he panicks and phones the police."help,ive found a sandwich that looks like a bomb".the officer says "is it tickin??", he says "no,i tink its beef"

2006-12-05 09:51:22 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day there was a guy who was driving to a nearby town. He was in a hurry, so he took a back road to get there faster, when all of a sudden his car broke down.

A nearby farmer saw him stranded so he invited him to stay the night. He said, "The only bed I have that you can sleep in is with my daughter, but if I catch you fooling around with her I'll shoot you".

"To make sure that you don't I'm going to put some eggs between both of you and if they are broken in the morning then you are going to die".

So the guy agreed. In the middle of the night the girl wanted to get it on
so they did. In the middle of the skirmish they broke all of the eggs. The guy didn't want to get shot so he cleaned up the mess and glued the eggshells back together.

In the morning the farmer came into his daughter's room and found that all of the eggs were still intact. The farmer was so happy that he invited the guy to have breakfast with him.

So he gathered up all of the eggs and took them to the kitchen. He cracked the first one open and nothing was inside it.

He cracked the second one and still nothing and so on. When he found out that all of them had nothing in them he grabbed his shotgun and ran outside.

He opened the chicken shed door and yelled out "ALLRIGHT, WHICH ONE OF YOU ROOSTERS HAS BEEN USING CONDOMS?!?"

2006-12-05 09:51:12 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Curley the dog was running about - my nan come back from town to find turd stuck to her slippers. Curley had a crap on my nans slippers.

2006-12-05 09:50:19 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, with them are their eight
children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives,
they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are able to
fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a
while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind
man and says to him: "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your
stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!!"
The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber on your stick in the first
place, we would be sitting in the bus right now, so shut the hell up !!!"

2006-12-05 09:47:57 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A boy is 13 years old.
He has been livng in his town for 2 years.
In all this time he has only aged one year?
How can this be?

2006-12-05 09:47:15 · 21 answers · asked by Me 2

a man who works alone decides to quit his job, so he turns off the lights, and walks out of the room. as a result of his action, 200 people die. what job did the man have and why did 200 people die?

2006-12-05 09:45:32 · 8 answers · asked by kate 2

i personally dont think its great.....but she wanted me to post it here to see what you guys think....

....
>
How do Chinese parents choose their childern's name?




By throwing a fork down the stairs....ching.....chong... dong....

haha?

2006-12-05 09:41:09 · 10 answers · asked by xombiecats 2

2006-12-05 09:40:02 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

u will die.

2006-12-05 09:34:13 · 11 answers · asked by riddlestephen 1

do if your wife strays from the kicthen to the lounge. Shorten her chain !!!!!!

2006-12-05 09:30:30 · 9 answers · asked by Shredder 6