Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

3 identical dogs laying i the back garden
there are 2 different coloured steaming turds just behind them

how do you know which 2 dogs did the steaming turds?

2006-12-05 06:13:56 · 17 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

i just asked this question and someone removed it, WHY!
also, please make me laugh and you'll get ten points.

and yes i still need a fresh new joke.

2006-12-05 06:06:13 · 10 answers · asked by hey_finny 3

i was walking down the street and then i asked a guy where is the nearest club and he said go left and then right. then i reliased that i was on a four way junction. then i thought which left should i take. i was a bit confused so i went back home.....

2006-12-05 05:54:35 · 7 answers · asked by deadman12319 1

Victoria, Tiffany, Charlie, Ren, and Connie entered a contest to guess how many jelly beans are in a jar. Victoria guessed 30, Tiffany guessed 28, Charlie guessed 29, Ren guessed 25, and Connie guessed 26.
Two were off the mark by 1, one was wrong by 4, and one by 3. But one was correct.

How many jelly beans are in the jar at the store?

2006-12-05 05:54:22 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 guys went for a job selling ducks,bossman says Ill give u all a duck each,and whoever makes the most money gets the job, 1st guy makes 5bucks 2nd guy makes 10bucks,3rd guy meets a prostitute, she says if u want,Ill do a bit of business and take the duck, so he did it.She then felt sorry for him,so they did it again and she gave him the duck back,off he went and the duck jumped out his arms and on to the road, got killed by speeding driver,driver apologised gave him 20bucks. Bossman asks 1st guy how much he says 5bucks, 2nd guy says 10bucks 3rd guy says, a f**k for a duck, a duck for a f**k,20bucks for a f**ked up duck

2006-12-05 05:53:59 · 15 answers · asked by danjontina 2

Riddle me this riddle me that, can you solve this riddle?
There are 2 guys in a car, 1 dog, and a hobo, they are in the middle of the desert and nobody knows how they got there. They look around and not a soul in sight. They wonder if they are going to survive and they start to cry. all of the sudden, the hobo says something. The other two guys are amazed at what he said. a couple of hours later they are in vegas gambling and having a blast. WHAT DID THE HOBO SAY!!!

2006-12-05 05:39:50 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Anybody under the age of 13 should not read this, and if you do, you should not repost this.

Just because you were born in '97 doesn't mean you're a 90's kid.

It's not like you could remember the original Simpsons. I am sorry but three conscious years of the 90's just wont cut it.


You're a 90's kid if:

You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE!"

You just cant resist finishing this... "Iiiiiiin west philladelphia born and raised..."

You remember TGIF on ABC. Step by Step, Family Matters, Dinosaurs, and Boy Meets World.

"Miss Susie had a steam boat, the steam boat had a bell..miss suzie went to heaven the steamboat went to hell_o operator please give me number 9 and if you disnconnect me i'll kick you from behind the fridgerator, there was a piece of glass, miss suzie sat upon it and broke her little ***_k me no more questions, please tell me no more lies the boys are in the bathroom zipping up their flies, are in the city the bees are in the park .......................... miss suzie and her boyfriend are kissing in the D-A-R-K- D-A-R-K D-A-R-K dark dark dar dar da dark"

You remember when Kurt Cobain, 2Pac, River Phoenix, and Selena died.

You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey from "Blossom" and that "How Rude!" comes from Stephanie from "Full House"

You remember when it was actually worth getting up early
on a Saturday to watch cartoons.

You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.

You remember reading "Goosebumps"

You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school.

You danced to "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls, Females: had a new motto, Males: got a whole lot gay-er. (so tell me what you want, what you really really want.)

You remember the craze, then the banning of slap bracelets and slam books.

You still get the urge to say "NOT" after (almost) every sentence...Not...

You used to listen to the radio all day long just to record "Your FAVORITE song of ALL time"

Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? was both a game and a TV game show.

Captain Planet.

You knew that Kimberly, the pink ranger, and Tommy, the green Ranger were meant to be together.

When playing power rangers with friends you fought over who got to be who............and still all ended up being Tommy.

You remember when super nintendo's became popular.

You always wanted to send in a tape to America's Funniest Home Videos... but never taped anything funny.

You remember watching home alone 1, 2 , and 3........and tried to pull the pranks on "intruders"

"I've fallen and I can't get up"

One word,"Pokemon"

When you have played and beaten mario brothers/duck hunt.

If you ever watch cheers.

You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates

if you memeber when every thing was "da BOMB"

when they made the new lunchables so that you could make tacos and pizza!!


You wore socks over leggings scrunched down

"Miss Mary Mack, Mack, Mack, all dressed in black, black, black, with silver buttons, buttons, buttons, all down her back, back, back" SHE ASKED HER MOTHER MOTHER MOTHER FOR FIFTY CENTS CENTS CENTS TO SEE THE ELEPHANTS PHANTS PHANTS JUMP OVER THE FENCE THE FENCE THE FENCE
he jumped so high high high he touched the sky sky sky and he didnt come back back back til the forth of july ly ly he jumped so low ow ow he stubbed his toe toe toe and thats the end end end of the elephants show show show

You remember boom boxes vs. cd players

Writing M.A.S.H. notes. (and the twenty different versions of that)

Making those little fortune cookie things.. and then predicting
your life with them.

"I'm just joshin' ya!!"

You remember New Kids on The Block when they were cool

And You Were Obsessed with either 'Nsync or Backstreet Boys. But never NEVER both...

You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell"

You played and/or collected "Pogs"

You had at least one Tamagotchi, GigaPet or Nano and brought it everywhere

You haven't always had a computer, and it was cool to have the internet.

You watched the original Care Bears, My Little Pony, and Ninja Turtles

Yikes pencils and erasers were the stuff!

When boys still had cooties and girls were still weird.

Girls go to college to get more knowledge, boys go to Jupider to get more stupider! Or the other way around.

All your school supplies were "Lisa Frank" brand.(pencils.notebooks.binde...

You remember when the new Beanie Babies and talking Elmo were always sold out.

You collected those Beanie Babies.

You used to wear those stick on earings, not only on your ears, but at the corners of your eyes.

You remember a time before the WB.

You owned a portable tape player.

If you even know what an original walkman is.

You remember wanting to sit on the orange Nickelodeon couch.

You've gotten creeped out by "Are You Afraid of the Dark?"

You know the Macarena by heart.

"Talk to the hand" ... enough said

You always said, "Then why don't you marry it!"

You know the significance of the number 23. (go mj.)

You went to McD's to play in the playplace.

You remember playing on merry go rounds...at the play ground.

You remember dreaming to be on a Nickelodeon game show: Double Dare, Nick Arcade, GUTS, Legends of the Hidden Temple, Fun House, Figure It Out, ...

You all know you watched Hey Dude, and Salute Your Shorts...

Remember and You Cant Do That On Television where getting slimed first started!

Who Love's Orange Soda? Kel Loves Orange Soda.. IS it true??? I doo I doo I doooo00000000000......

When we were younger:

Before the MySpace frenzy...

Before the Internet & text messaging...

Before Sidekicks & iPods...

Before cellphones.

Before MIKE JONES...

Before Anime was popular.

Before Green Day were "American Idiots"

Before PlayStation2 or X-BOX...

...Back when you put off the 5 hours of homework you had every night.

Before Britney Spears was a ****.

When light up sneakers were cool.

When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs.

When gas was $0.95 a gallon & Caller ID was a new thing.

When we recorded stuff on VCRs & paid $3.50 for a movie.

When we called the radio station to request songs to hear off our walkmans.

When phone numbers were still 7 digits.

When Being a TOMBOY was "in".

When 2Pac and Biggie where alive.

when none of your friends done or even touched weed yet.

When everyone loved Disney movies.

When the Chicago Bulls were the best team ever.

Way back.

when it was all about N64.

Before we realized all this would eventually disappear

Who would have thought you'd miss the 90's so much!!!!!

2006-12-05 05:32:07 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

must be flexible and willing to travel

2006-12-05 05:29:11 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

and had an erection, I couldn't bend it with both hands.
I'm now older, I find I can bend it easily with one hand.

Does this mean I'm getting stronger?

2006-12-05 05:28:09 · 27 answers · asked by lulu 6

2006-12-05 05:24:45 · 24 answers · asked by sc20042002 2

As they jogged into the turn that would
take them past the corner,

Bill became even more apprehensive
than usual.

Sure enough,
there was the hooker!

Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes
as she watched the pair jog past.

Then,

from the sidewalk,

the hooker yelled...

See what you get for five bucks!?"

2006-12-05 05:23:44 · 3 answers · asked by Papa Spyk! 1

A rich, lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life, so she placed a personal ad that read: Rich Widow Looking for Man to Share Life and Fortune with the Following Qualifications:

1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"

"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."

The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

2006-12-05 05:16:12 · 14 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead escaped from prison.
As they passed an old farm, they decided to hide in the barn.
After about an hour or so, they heard voices outside and realized that the cops had found them.
Luckily, they each found a big gunny sack to hide in.
When the cops went inside the barn, one of them saw the sacks and kicked the first one.
The brunette was inside and she said, "Meow".
The cop said, "Oh. It's just a bunch of cats!"
Then he kicked the next sack.
The redhead was inside and she said, "Woof! Woof!"
The cop said, "Oh it's just a bunch of puppies!"
Then he kicked the sack with the blonde in it.
She said, "Potatoes!"

2006-12-05 05:15:01 · 16 answers · asked by jare bare 6

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

2006-12-05 05:11:39 · 23 answers · asked by Pickles 2

Bill Clinton started jogging near his
new home in Chappaqua.


But on each run he happened to jog
past a hooker standing on the same
street corner, day after day.




With some apprehension he would brace
himself as he approached her for what
was most certainly to follow.


"Fifty dollars!" she would cry
out from the curb.




"No, Five dollars!"
fired back Clinton .


This ritual between Bill and the
hooker continued for days.


He'd run by and she'd yell,
"Fifty dollars!"

And he'd yell back,
"Five dollars!"


One day however,
Hillary decided& nbsp;that she
wanted to accompany her
husband on his jog!


As the jogging couple neared the problematic
street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would
bark her $50 offer and Hillary would
wonder what he'd really
been doing on all his past outings.


He realized he should have a
darn good explanation
for the junior Senator.

2006-12-05 05:11:31 · 4 answers · asked by Papa Spyk! 1

1. You have a barrel full to the top with water, which weighs 150kg. What can you add to it to make it lighter?

2. An electric train is travelling north at 100 mph. the wind is blowing in an easterly direction at 25 mph. what direction is the
smokes from the train going?

3. What occurs once in a minute, twice in a moment and never in a thousand years?

4. What English word can have four of its five letters removed and still remain its original pronunciation?

2006-12-05 05:08:01 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

I have two daughters, 5 and 7. I've told them a lot of the jokes I remember as a kid (ie the robber being afraid of the letters O I C U). They love the jokes, but I am running a little dry on material at the moment.

Any good ones would be welcome.

2006-12-05 05:06:39 · 1 answers · asked by Gwydyon 4

Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request. The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes. Now it is the third man's turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork. As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with your canoes!"

2006-12-05 05:06:25 · 7 answers · asked by Pickles 2

2006-12-05 04:59:09 · 6 answers · asked by Joseph C 1

Three men were sitting together, bragging about how they had been giving
their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from Indiana, and
bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and
house cleaning
that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple of days,
but on
the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed
and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Utah. He bragged that he had given
his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next
day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were
done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Minnesota girl. He said that he told her that
her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed,
laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the
first day he didn't see anything.
The second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the
swelling
had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to
fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.

2006-12-05 04:53:22 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a
smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

2006-12-05 04:41:22 · 16 answers · asked by Pickles 2

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself
out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How
much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does
she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied,
"You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde'
jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied,"and I
had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

2006-12-05 04:31:50 · 19 answers · asked by Pickles 2

2006-12-05 04:25:02 · 14 answers · asked by Joseph C 1

Newlyweds

A man and a woman decided to abstain from sex before
marriage. After making love on their wedding night,the
man looked over at his bride and noticed that she appeared
quite annoyed."What's wrong?"he asked."Well,"she said,"when
I agreed to marry you,i didn't realize that you had
such a small organ." To which the man replied,"Well,when
i agreed to marry YOU, I didn't realize that my organ
would be playing in a cathedral!"

2006-12-05 04:11:35 · 9 answers · asked by mongo862001 5

Old mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone, but when she bent over Rover took over,since he had a bone of his own.

2006-12-05 04:10:34 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Your Mum.

2006-12-05 04:08:40 · 13 answers · asked by Wings 2

dad at home one evening with his 3 beautiful daughters.and there is a knock at the door,and this fella is stood there,and he says hi my names lance i come from france i want to take your daughter for a dance,dad says thats nice ok,,,later another knock on the door another fella standing there says,hello there my name is clive,can i take your daughter for a drive,super says dad off you go,,then again another knock upon the door a fella standing there burst out to dad hi my names tucker,,dad screams out no way F@@K OFF,,,,,

2006-12-05 04:07:15 · 14 answers · asked by blu.boy 2

Silence in court
The judge is dead
Someone just farted
And blew off his head

2006-12-05 04:05:01 · 15 answers · asked by colin050659 6

2006-12-05 04:01:42 · 19 answers · asked by stan1754 1

mary had a little pig,she kept it in a bucket,everytime she let it out the bulldog tried to f@@k it,,,

2006-12-05 03:55:31 · 13 answers · asked by blu.boy 2