Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

"They all have a burning knowing..."

2006-12-05 03:43:40 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

georgie porgie pudding and pie,he kissed the girls and made them cry,when the boys came out to play,he kissed them too,he,s funny that way,,

2006-12-05 03:41:43 · 9 answers · asked by blu.boy 2

you know when you visit the barbers he or she says "what would you like today sir" i always say " a haircut in silence please".......what do you say?

2006-12-05 03:39:04 · 21 answers · asked by man with the golden gun 4

2006-12-05 03:36:12 · 22 answers · asked by *TWEET* 2

!!

2006-12-05 03:29:36 · 13 answers · asked by skynickie 2

IF A ROOSTER IS ON TOP OF A POINTED ROOF, WHICH SIDE DOES THE EGG FALL OFF THE ROOF?

2006-12-05 03:24:29 · 17 answers · asked by haterz2myleff 1

two woman were talking about who they would most like to have sex with,one says i think brad pitt cos for me he is so sexy,,the other says oh santa for me cos he only comes once a year but when he comes he fills ya stockings,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

2006-12-05 03:19:47 · 12 answers · asked by blu.boy 2

2006-12-05 03:17:53 · 18 answers · asked by trailrider 2

2006-12-05 03:17:05 · 3 answers · asked by GreenEYED Beauty 3

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love.
When it became
>apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up
>eating beans.
>
>
>
> Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke
down on the way home
>from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called
my husband and told
>him that I would be late because I had to walk home.
On my way, I passed by
>a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more
than I could stand.
>With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off
any ill effects by the
>time I reached home, so I stopped at the dinner and
before I knew
>
> it, I had consumed three large orders of baked
beans.
>
>
>
> All the way home, I made sure that I released
all the gas. Upon my
>arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and
exclaimed delightedly:
>"Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He
then blindfolded me and
>led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat
and just as he was
>about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He
made me promise not to
>touch the blindfold until he returned and went to
answer the call.
>
>
>
> The baked beans I had consumed were still
affecting me and the
>pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my
husband was out of the
>room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to
one leg and let one go.
>It was not only loud, but it smelled like a
fertilizer truck running over a
>skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.
>
>
>
> I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air
around me vigorously.
>Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three
more. The stink
>
> was worse than oked=20cabbage. Keeping my ears
carefully tuned to the
>conversation in the other room, I went on like this
for another few
>minutes.
>
>
>
> The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually
the telephone
>farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly
fanned the air a few
>more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and
folded my hands back on
>it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My
face must have been
>the picture of innocence when my husband returned,
apologizing for taking
>so long.
>
>
>
> He asked me if I had peeked through the
blindfold, and I assured him I
>had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and
twelve dinner guests
>seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!" I
nearly died!

2006-12-05 03:14:47 · 23 answers · asked by Jane 2

2 little fellas were one day arguing as to which country santa comes from, and the first kid says santa comes from scotland, cos every year his parents leave a tot of whisky out for him to drink,so he must be scots,,the second says oh no he must be irish cos we have a front door and a back door in our house, but every year he comes down the chimney,,,,

2006-12-05 03:14:34 · 6 answers · asked by blu.boy 2

If a golfer gets hurt and can't play, is his replacement called a designated driver?

What does this joke mean????

2006-12-05 02:52:12 · 8 answers · asked by liangjizong22 1

Funniest
What's the difference between a duck with one wing and a duck with two wings?Why? that's a matter of a pinion.

2006-12-05 02:50:21 · 5 answers · asked by liangjizong22 1

Goodbye Daddy







One night a father put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers, which she ended by saying:
"God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and goodbye Grandpa."
"A why yuh say good-bye Grandpa fa?" the father asked.
"Mi noh know, " the little girl said.

The next day, Grandpa died. The man thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later, he put
the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this:
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma." The next day, the grandmother died!

Rahtid, thought the man, dis yah pickney can see inna de future. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the man heard her say "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

The man practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous all day.He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK

2006-12-05 02:45:28 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

The question is:

Can you take your shoes off right now and be proud? Wave your feet and toes around in the air for all to witness and study?

Operators are standing by. Don't forget to ask about priority next day shipping! 10 points guaranteed within 24 hours!

2006-12-05 02:43:54 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-05 02:42:09 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-05 02:38:46 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

They were both fingered by their brother.

2006-12-05 02:38:35 · 5 answers · asked by New Foil Hat1134 3

A little boy was doing his math homework.

He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a ***** is seven. Three plus six, that son of a ***** is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a ***** is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.

ebaumsworld.com

2006-12-05 02:33:32 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

GLAD I ATOR,

2006-12-05 02:30:34 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A friend told me this joke:

"What am I supposed to say to an atheist when they sneeze? 'When you die nothing happens' "


Please explain.
And no offense to the Atheists, it's just a joke.

2006-12-05 02:27:28 · 11 answers · asked by lexa (: 4

2006-12-05 02:26:58 · 7 answers · asked by Public C 1

Young Justin has a cursing problem, and his father’s getting tired of it.He decides to ask a shrink what to do. The shrink says, “Negative reinforcement. Since Christmas is coming up, ask Justin what he wants from Santa. If he curses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of each gift he requests.”Two days before Christmas, Justin’s father asks him what he wants for Christmas. “I want a damn teddy bear lying beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs, I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside, I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage.”
On Christmas morning, Justin wakes up and rolls into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walks downstairs and sees another pile under the tree. He walks outside, looks at a huge pile of dog poo by the garage, and walks inside. His dad smiles and asks, “What did Santa bring you this year?”Justin replies, “I think I got a goddamn dog, but I can’t find the son of a b**ch

2006-12-05 02:26:27 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

ebaumsworld.com

2006-12-05 02:21:28 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your *** in the train, cause were going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We dont use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out,you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat ***** in the kitchen."

2006-12-05 02:16:40 · 18 answers · asked by nba fan 2

Just a little joke to throw some people off track.

2006-12-05 02:16:34 · 6 answers · asked by ellis4655@sbcglobal.net 2

A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."
The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains,
"Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing.
Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOUR?"
The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"

2006-12-05 02:07:58 · 20 answers · asked by Rock 2

A guy is playing blues guitar in a bar in mississippi playing for all hes worth, the crowd go home the guy puts away his equipment and strolls over to the bar its late and hes tired, he sits on a bar stool and the barman pours him a drink and places a bowl of nuts next to it, he takes a swig of the drink and a voice says you were great the guy says to the barman thats kind of you to say the barman says i didnt say anything, the guy looks at his drink and takes another swig and a voice says you was so good tonite you were as good as the greats the guy looks up at the barman and says what did you say the barman say nothing guy says i definately heard a voice the barman says oh it must be the nuts there complimentry.

2006-12-05 02:05:08 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Everyone has their owner answer... whats yours?

2006-12-05 02:04:14 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, I brought ten
apples. The king then explained the trial to him. You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or youll be eaten.

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it? The
second one replied, I couldnt help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples.

2006-12-05 02:00:28 · 16 answers · asked by nba fan 2