Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

2006-12-04 23:48:51 · 11 answers · asked by punk_forever90 1

2006-12-04 23:44:16 · 6 answers · asked by emmiemoo 3

Once upon time there was a man working as a bus driver, that bus was of 100 passangers size.
He used to travell between nieghbouring cities, with fixed price for each type of passangers, as follows;
'' 5 dollars for man, 2.250 for woman, 50 cents for a child''.
once he was travelling, driving his bus with 100 passangers in,
(( 100 passangers of the three different types of passangers,(men, women, children).)), when the bus arrived to the station of the intended city, they got off the bus after having paid the driver the required price for each,
after a while, the driver wanted to know how much money he got, he counted the whole money and found that he got 100 dollars???
he wants to know how many man, woman, and child were there in the bus during that trip, ((as they were all 100 passangers))!!!!!!!!!!

FOR MORE DETAILS, CONTACT ME ON mr_beshr@yahoo.com

2006-12-04 23:44:02 · 5 answers · asked by Eagle Eyes 2

One day a man walked into a bar and sat down next to a guy with a parrot on his shoulder.

The bartender said, "Cute parrot, does he talk?"

The guy with the parrot says, "He does more than just talk, watch." The guy lit a match and placed it under the parrots left foot. Then the parrot started singing "Jingle Bells". It was a Christmas Parrot called Chet.

The guy then placed the match under the right foot and the parrot then started to sing "The 12 days of Christmas."

The bartender said, "That's incredible". He then asked, "What does he say when you place them between his feet?"

The guy said, "You know I never tried that, let's see."

When the match was placed between the feet of the Christmas parrot, the parrot began to sing a familiar tune... "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire."

2006-12-04 23:29:18 · 9 answers · asked by Mary 6

2006-12-04 23:29:01 · 19 answers · asked by Chris K 2

Would the new miracle cure for dermatitis be 4Skin?

Can anyone else think of any amusing cures?

2006-12-04 23:21:54 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A dog with a hair lip!

2006-12-04 23:12:28 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said,
"Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces,
"Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know -
you left your Injun running..."

2006-12-04 23:08:07 · 15 answers · asked by Rock 2

have you stopped robbering footwear :-)

2006-12-04 23:06:54 · 12 answers · asked by alone l 2

have you stopped robbering footwear

2006-12-04 23:05:34 · 16 answers · asked by alone l 2

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.


The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "We don't have any!"

"But I always buy it here," says the blonde

"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.

"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the containers directions for use..........


"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

2006-12-04 23:02:16 · 13 answers · asked by biggsy 1

2006-12-04 22:48:58 · 8 answers · asked by Evan H 2

Cos he's got little legs!

2006-12-04 22:40:58 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three women are killed in a car crash.
When they get to the gates of heaven, they are met by St. Peter.
“Have you all been good on Earth?” he asks the first one
‘Oh yes very good’ she says’ I was married, never strayed, had two wonderful kids and a fabulous hubby’
“Ok the 3rd cloud up 5th on the right you’ll find your harp and off she goes.
“Have you been good on Earth?” he asks the second one.
‘Oh yes’ she says ‘had a great boyfriend, we were going to get married, but hey, what do you know?’
“Ok the 4th cloud up 4th to the left you’ll find your harp.”
Third girl approaches, absolutely gorgeous to look at.”
Have you been good on Earth?” he says.
‘Weeeeeeel, not really, pinched all my friend’s boyfriends, split up a few marriages and had a whale of a time with life’.
“I see” says St. Peter “1st cloud up, 1st cloud to the left”
‘Hey’ she says ‘What about my harp?’
“F*** the harp” he says “ I’ll be up with the horn in a minute”

2006-12-04 22:40:58 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

tell me a RUDE joke that will make me laugh and say yuck together

2006-12-04 22:37:56 · 9 answers · asked by Blade 3

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears's hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (That's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos! You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning:
contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.

2006-12-04 22:31:02 · 9 answers · asked by 【ツ】ρεαcε! 5

2006-12-04 22:29:14 · 5 answers · asked by Elijah's Girl 2

2006-12-04 22:27:33 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day a small girl takes a bath with her mother.
"Mommy, what's that?" she asks, pointing to her mother's genitilia.
"It's a bush" the mother replies.
The little girl then baths with her father.
"Daddy, what's that?" she asks.
"It's a snake" the father replies.
She then takes a bath with her grandmother.
Again she asks, "Granny, what's that?"
The grandmother replies, "It's a torch".

While everyone was in bed at night, the little girl creeps into her parents bed. She looks under the blanket and screams...."Granny, granny, bring the torch. The snake is in the bush!!!!"

2006-12-04 22:22:40 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

CIA had opening for assassin. After all background checks interviews were done, there were 3 finalists, 2 men, 1 woman. for the final test the cia agents took 1 of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you wil follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair, Kill her!!"
The man said, you cant be serious, i could never shoot my wife, the agent said, you're not the man for the job, take wife and go home. The 2nd man was given same instructions, he went into room, came out 5 mins later, "I tried but i cant kill my wife". The agent said you dont have what it takes, take wife, go home.
Finally, the womans turn, she was given same instructions, to kill her husband. She went in room, shots were heard, . Screaming crashing banging on walls. After a few minutes all was quiet, the woman came out sweating, "this gun is loaded with blanks, i had to beat him to death with the chair!

2006-12-04 22:19:12 · 9 answers · asked by sharon f 3

Sam was driving a cycle. Suddenly he withdraw his hands from the handle and announced: "No hands, you see!"

Then he withdrew his feet from the paddle and announced : "No legs, you see!"

And soon he fell flat on the ground with the cycle over him.
Still he announced: "No teeth, you see!"

2006-12-04 22:09:23 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving
together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his
apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled
with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the
bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully
placed in rows covering the entire wall!


It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them
and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into
organizing the display.


There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears
covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.


She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large
collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is
quite impressed by his sensitive side.


They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while,
she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father of my children?"
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity,
and more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of
raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the
afterglow.


The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how
was it?"


The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes,
and says: "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

2006-12-04 22:08:06 · 14 answers · asked by mrqprfc 2

Een dag, lank, lank gelede was daar 'n vrou wat nie vol kak was nie....
Maar dit was FOKKEN lank gelede... en dit was net EEN dag!

2006-12-04 22:08:04 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-04 22:05:38 · 7 answers · asked by Singletary 2

2006-12-04 22:04:33 · 6 answers · asked by Singletary 2

2006-12-04 22:03:27 · 4 answers · asked by Singletary 2

Two vampires were standing in their caves, with only five minutes to dawn, when one of the vampires cried out "thats it. i cant take it any more. i must get something to drink. i need some blood". The other vampire said "are you completely insane??!! It's only five minutes to dawn. You'll die!!" The other vampire said "I dont care. I'm getting something to eat". And with that, he was gone. Then five minutes later, the vampire returned with blood dripping all down his face. The vampire was completely shocked. He said "how did you do that??!!" The vampire replied
"you see that bridge??"
"yeah".
"you see that wall??"
"yeah".
"you see that tree??"
"yeah".
"I didnt".

2006-12-04 22:03:20 · 7 answers · asked by 【ツ】ρεαcε! 5

2006-12-04 22:02:21 · 3 answers · asked by Singletary 2

The passengers on a commercial airliner have been seated and are awaiting the cockpit crew to get them under way. A murmur is heard in the back of the plane, and a few passengers on the aisle glance back to see the pilot and copilot, both wearing large, dark sun glasses, making their way up to the cockpit. However, the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right & left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a seeing-eye guide dog. As they pass by the rows of passengers there are nervous giggles heard, as people are thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. But a few minutes after the cockpit door has closed behind them the engines start spooling up and the airplane taxis out to the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and shifting uneasily or gripping the armrests more tightly. As the airplane starts accelerating rapidly, people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the
plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, passengers become more and more hysterical! Finally, when the airplane has only a few seconds of runway left, the shouts of horror fill the cabin as everyone screams at once, but at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne!!! Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: "You know, one of these days the passengers are going to scream too late, and we're going to get killed!"

2006-12-04 22:00:33 · 10 answers · asked by 【ツ】ρεαcε! 5

When Malcolm was born he had only the right eye, the left eye was just the socket, so the locals did a whip round and collected a small amount of cash. The problem was that they could only afford a wooden replica of an eyeball. Looked ok though but as he grew up he became self conscious about it. In his late teens his mates decided that he couldn’t let him spend his life at home so they took him to the local dance. Whilst there, everyone was having a good time so he tried to be brave, deciding to ask a girl in the corner for a dance. As he got closer he noticed that she had a hare lip. In for a penny in for a pound he thought.
“Would you like to dance?” he said
‘Wouldn I’ she says
“Ah shut yer mouth c*** face”

2006-12-04 21:59:20 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous