Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

2006-12-05 01:56:52 · 7 answers · asked by Tina 3

Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this, just stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1.When you are sad
I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry SOB who made you sad.

2. When you are blue
I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile
I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared
I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried
I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be
until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused
I will use little words.

7. When you are sick
Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall
I will point and laugh at your clumsy a$s.

2006-12-05 01:54:26 · 23 answers · asked by Pd 6

You go to a place with two doors. There is satin and God. You can only ask 1 question. They can only answer by saying yes or no. One of them always lies another always tells the truth. You dont know which. What is the question to be asked to get the answer to know which door leads to heaven. I've been waiting 8 years to find this out, please help.

2006-12-05 01:51:40 · 5 answers · asked by Wish I were a Pirate 2

A mother had three sons. The first one was a fashion designer, the second one was an actor and the third one: he was GAY too...

2006-12-05 01:46:36 · 13 answers · asked by nba fan 2

there are three words in the english language that end in -gry. one is angry. another is hungry. what is the third word? if you read carefully you would see that i already told you the answer.


how do u put an elephant in the fridge?


how do u put a giraffe in the fridge?


if the lion king had a party and all creatures went (fish and sharks included) even humans, there was one animal missing...what was it.

2006-12-05 01:46:11 · 11 answers · asked by mKsTpN0y 3

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a crappy outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your butt and see if
it doesn't bring a tear to your eye

2006-12-05 01:35:54 · 14 answers · asked by L 3

Ok theres two tribes, The 1st tribe's villagers are man eaters and they lie and the 2nd are the good one's who tell the truth.
So youre walking up a path when suddenly the road ends in a fork.
Theres a Tribe member standing there. and you want to go to the Good Village.
A: You have ONE Question to ask him, what would it be?
B: Remember you dont know if the man standing infront of you is from the man eating lying village or the Good one that tell the truth.
so one of them will lie to you

2006-12-05 01:29:46 · 13 answers · asked by Candy 2

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them his results after the examination.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his girlfriend. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the Coroner.

"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah", says the coroner, "this ... is the most unusual one, Paddy from Belfast, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken."

2006-12-05 01:23:34 · 30 answers · asked by Rock 2

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

2006-12-05 01:23:25 · 25 answers · asked by anitha 4

First the engagement ring,

Then the wedding ring and then

the SUFFERING!!!!!!

2006-12-05 01:21:04 · 4 answers · asked by John Scary 5

Because he thought it was a piece of cake! GET IT?

2006-12-05 01:18:14 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Super Salesperson needed!

A young guy moves to Sydney and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home." Well, the manager liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down. "How many sales did you make today?"
The kid, "One." The manager, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.

How much was the sale for?" The kid said, "$101,237.64." The manager said, "$101,237.64? What did you sell him?" The kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook.

Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook.

Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat,

so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Cresta Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Pajero."


The manager said, "You mean a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?!" The kid, "No no no, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, "Well, since your weekend's f*cked, you might as well go fishing."

2006-12-05 01:17:32 · 8 answers · asked by Rock 2

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?". The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman". The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, couches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties". The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie". The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it?" The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it". "Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie". The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves....

.....NEVER TO RETURN!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, "Who are you" To which he is answered, "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house".

The barman says, "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous" The rabbit says, "Yes I know". The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead" The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it". The barman said "You never came back, what happened?"

"I DIED", said the Rabbit.

"NO!" said the barman, "what from".

After a short pause the rabbit said...



"Mixin'-me-toasties".

2006-12-05 01:08:19 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-05 01:06:59 · 6 answers · asked by Jason S 1

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!

More joke on my page:http://360.yahoo.com/nihon94

2006-12-05 01:06:37 · 3 answers · asked by Ari 7

Ten points to the first to get it right

2006-12-05 00:54:33 · 21 answers · asked by Ted 2

Stevie Wonder is playing a gig in Tokyo. . . .

He's just finished playing his Seventies classic Sir Duke. The crowd is
still going wild when a young Japanese man at the front says,

"Stevie Wonder, you play a jazz chord, you play a jazz chord!"

So Stevie plays an F# minor on his keyboard and goes off on a jazz riff.
The Japanese man says, "No Stevie Wonder, you play a jazz chord!" So Stevie tries an A and off he goes with the band on this amazing improvised moment.


When he's finished, the lad says, "No Stevie, a jazz chord, a jazz chord!"

By now old Stevie is a little confused. "What do you mean, play a jazz chord? I've just done 2 for you..?" he says to the fan.

"But it best song of Stevie Wonder! It bery famous!" comes the reply. "Ok, well how does it go then?", enquires the blind musical genius.

The young Japanese man clears his throat and starts to sing:


Wait for it.....






"A jazz chord.............to say, I ruv you..."

2006-12-05 00:54:22 · 16 answers · asked by Rock 2

Once there was a husband serving time in jail.
He had a lovily wife and children, living on a farm.
Since he was away for some time, his wife would write him many letters. In them she would ask, how to take care of the farm.

One day, she asked, when was a good time to plant cabbages in the garden?
Her husband knew he must be careful when he responded back to the letters, being the guards read his mail. So he told his wife, to wait to plant them, for he had buried some money out in the garden, and didnt want to risk having it dug up & missing.

Soon after that letter was sent, His wife wrote back.
"Sweetie, a weird thing happened today. Some men came with shovels and dug up the garden.
The husband smiled to himself as he read this, quickly writing his wife back, he said "Now is the right time to plant your cabbage"!

(Get it??)

2006-12-05 00:53:40 · 10 answers · asked by Such A Chicka 3

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy,
"You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you
guys to make a dent in that there pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the
pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep
any of it?"

The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a
fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared
and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I
told you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah could nay get meself a
shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah
could nay fin' him either."

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand
to look for the Chinese guy ...

Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and
yells . . . . . .



"SUPPLIES!"

2006-12-05 00:44:37 · 24 answers · asked by Rock 2

A policeman is driving along the road when he gets an urgent message on his radio telling him there has been a dead body found in an ice cream van just down the road.

He rushes to the scene where he discovers a man's body, with chocolate flakes up each nostril, raspberry sauce all over his head and he is covered from head to toe in hundreds and thousands.

A puzzled onlooker asks the policeman what he thinks has happened, to which the policeman replies:

"It looks like he's topped himself"

2006-12-05 00:39:26 · 10 answers · asked by Rock 2

2006-12-05 00:34:55 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-05 00:33:43 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

The late Pope, John Paul II was standing at 'the gates' discussing things with St Peter.

Behind St Peter was a huge wall with an enormous number of clocks on it, and the Pope was inquisitive about these clocks.

Said Peter, "These are lie clocks. Everyone alive and dead has a lie clock, and each time they tell a lie one second is added to the clock. So when they come up here we know whether the person is also telling us fibs to get in".

The Pope thought this was a great idea, so he asked to see his clock. Sure enough, the hands were stuck on midnight never having moved.

The Pope had never told a lie in his life. A couple of clocks to the left were a clock with the second hand at 5 seconds past midnight.

The Pope pointed at it and enquired, and was told "That was Lord Nelson's clock, he told 5 lies during his lifetime to hide his affair with Lady Hamilton".

The late Pope was greatly impressed by this, so he asked where Britain's Prime Minister "Tony Blair's" clock was...

"Oh that's not on the wall. Jesus has moved that into his office... he's using it as a desk fan".

2006-12-05 00:32:50 · 10 answers · asked by Rock 2

2006-12-05 00:25:06 · 15 answers · asked by Charles 2

Once upon time there was a man working as a bus driver, that bus was of 100 passangers size.
He used to travell between nieghbouring cities, with fixed price for each type of passangers, as follows;
'' 5 dollars for man, 2.250 for woman, 50 cents for a child''.
once he was travelling, driving his bus with 100 passangers in,
(( 100 passangers of the three different types of passangers,(men, women, children).)), when the bus arrived to the station of the intended city, they got off the bus after having paid the driver the required price for each,
after a while, the driver wanted to know how much money he got, he counted the whole money and found that he got 100 dollars???
he wants to know how many man, woman, and child were there in the bus during that trip, ((as they were all 100 passangers))!!!!!!!!!!

FOR MORE DETAILS, CONTACT ME ON mr_beshr@yahoo.com

2006-12-05 00:24:02 · 2 answers · asked by Eagle Eyes 2

An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.
One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.

"Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."

2006-12-05 00:18:41 · 6 answers · asked by EL Big Ed 6

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

2006-12-05 00:14:42 · 2 answers · asked by EL Big Ed 6

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Seagall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano" said Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Seagall. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"

So Arnold says, "I'll be Bach."

2006-12-05 00:09:49 · 8 answers · asked by Rock 2

A guy walks into a chemist and asks for condoms (as seen on the TV ad) and was told by the young blonde assistant that there were new regulations, from the EU, regarding condoms and that they have to be the correct size and fit to stop disease and unwanted pregnancies.
“Never heard of that one before” says the man
‘Well sir if you come around the side of the counter, flop it out, I can then recommend which size you require’.
The man duly responds and she shouts up to the store room “Fred, chuck us a packet of D3 condoms”. He pays for them and leaves.
A while later another guy comes in and asks for condoms, is told the same thing, goes round the side of the counter, flops his d*ck out and she shouts to Fred, “Wow, er, Fred can you chuck us a pack of G2 condoms. He pays for them and leaves.
A few minutes later a very shy 18 year old goes in for condoms, again is given the same talk, EU regs, blah blah, goes round the side of the counter, flops out his d*ck and she shouts, “F*ck it, Fred can you throw me a towel?”

2006-12-05 00:01:17 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

once there was a guilty judged to death,
and as a last chance to be a live the death jugde was to be as follows;
he was put in a room of two doors, at each door there was a man standing,
the guilty was told that if he goes out of one of those doors, he gonna be free , but the other will be dead,
they let him ask those two men standing at each door about which door is the way out, but they told him also that one of those two men was a very lier and the other is honest man,
......................so what he could he do to know which door is the was out ????????? anyone can help that innocent guy to win his life???///FOR MORE INFO mr_beshr@yahoo.com

2006-12-04 23:54:48 · 5 answers · asked by Eagle Eyes 2