Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

2006-12-05 09:29:38 · 6 answers · asked by G 1

hoe hoe hoe

2006-12-05 09:27:46 · 5 answers · asked by Rhiannon. Stay[[+]] 4

I already asked once this question here. I received such a large amount of good jokes and funny answers that i try asking this question again...

2006-12-05 09:26:06 · 6 answers · asked by happy_blabla 2

if it was ur last day on earth wat would u do? just curiosity

2006-12-05 09:14:03 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-05 09:12:44 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Egbert's bought his girlfriend a false leg for Christmas.......But its only a stocking filler.

2006-12-05 08:56:02 · 10 answers · asked by kev3753 1

why if we are evolved from apes and monkeys do we still have apes and monkeys? and if someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If a turtle has no shell is it homeless or naked.?
why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids instead of a.ssteroids?
and do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery".....

2006-12-05 08:55:14 · 17 answers · asked by chris w. 7

#1-A man in Kenya for a Holiday found a young elephant hurt. The man removed the rock stuck in its knee. The elephant stared at him, and man thought he was about to be trampled. Elephant trumpets and ran away. 5 years later, at the zoo, man sees an elephant that looked as the same one he helped. jumps over the fence and looks elephant in eye. The elephant looks back, and trumpets the same way the young one had. The man reached out to pet elephant, and the elephant put its head forward...grabbed the man with its trunk and threw him to ground, killed him
probably not same elephant.


#2-An Arab had run out of water in the desert. He see a Jewish man selling ties. He ask, "Do u have water?" reply="Have no water. want a tie? $5!" Arab shouts "Idiot! Israel shouldnt exist! I dont need a tie. need water! I should kill you, but must find water first" Jew man-"Go over hill and find diner. There is water there" Arab left Comes back hours later still thirsty, says "i cant get in w\o a tie."

2006-12-05 08:54:39 · 6 answers · asked by xombiecats 2

during a transatlantic flight there was a little turbulance

when the intercom started

"This is your captain speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.

"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.

"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.

"That's me, the copilot, and one of our flight attendants.

This is a recording.oh and have a nice day "

2006-12-05 08:49:58 · 44 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

is mahan actually? u dont need to know who mahan is, just answer by saying yes or no......IS MAHAN ACTUALLY?

2006-12-05 08:48:38 · 4 answers · asked by guns_n_pantera 1

A woman at work was taking some files to another co-worker
when suddenly, another co-worker walked by and said,
"Wow, your hair smells really nice."
The woman becomes very upset and then goes to complain
about the other man's comment.
When she explained what the man said, the HR person asked,
"What is wrong with someone telling you that your hair smells nice?"
"The man is a midget!" she replied.

2006-12-05 08:47:56 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man decided to buy a new telescope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill".The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.

"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.

"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house", the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off".

The man takes another look through the scope, and says,
"You know what?I think I can do that with one shot!"

2006-12-05 08:46:56 · 35 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

teacher to students : last time i visited a forest there were many trees , right now there are no trees there.
a boy says last time i saw you there were hair on your head right now you dont have any.

2006-12-05 08:35:16 · 38 answers · asked by ronald.j 1

The Lord of the Manor was having his evening bath and the butler entered the bathroom with his hot water bottle embroided with the family crest.
"What are you doing Jeeves" spluttered the apoplectic Lord Snodcrabbidge the third.
"But, Sir." remonstrated the servant" I distinctly heard you say 'Pass the hot water bottle Dudley!'"

2006-12-05 08:32:50 · 17 answers · asked by choco_mint 2

Egbert the village idiot is gets a job as a waiter in a cafe. A West Indian gentleman comes in & asks for a cup of tea & a bacon sandwich. Egbert returns 5 minutes later with a cup of tea and an empty can of Budweiser between 2 slices of bread.....'What's this man'?... Says the customer.....Egbert replies....' It's what you asked for'......'A cup of tea and a beer can sandwich'.

2006-12-05 08:32:35 · 9 answers · asked by kev3753 1

wearing nothing but a jamjar on his c.ock
A lady asks "what are you dressed as"
" a fireman" he says

"you break the glass, pull the k.nob and i *** as fast as i can."....

2006-12-05 08:30:31 · 16 answers · asked by chris w. 7

a man hd a leg and then it brock and got a wooden one and that brock so he got a wheel chair know hes the champion of the paralimpics!

haha i loved it!

2006-12-05 08:29:01 · 5 answers · asked by butter 1

>A Bottle of Merlot
>
>A gentleman diner asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an
>attractive
>woman sitting alone at another table.
>The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the
>gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.
>She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and
>decided to send a reply note to the man.
>
>The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her
and
>conveyed it to the gentleman.
>
>
>The note read:
>"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your
garage,
>a
>million
>dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
>After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in
>return.
>He folded the
>note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return
>this to the woman.
>
>It read:
>"For your information, I have a Ferrari 360 Spyder, an Aston Martin
DB9, a
>Mercedes SL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garages.
>There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account, but, not even
for
>a
>woman as beautiful as you, would I cut two inches off.
>Just send the bottle back."

2006-12-05 08:22:56 · 27 answers · asked by dididdleydihi 3

doctor to patient:you will die
patient:how much time is left, 1month, 1 hour,how much time left doctor.
doctor:5,4,3,2,1 gone

2006-12-05 08:21:54 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man came home from work one day to find his wife in bed with another man and so he dragged him downstairs outside to the garage. He then put the mans wet willie into a vice and secured it tightly and then removed the handle, next he picked up a hacksaw, "Aww stop stop" said the terrified man " you arn't going to cut it off are you"


"No i'm not but you are, coss i'm going to set the garage on fire."......

2006-12-05 08:16:39 · 19 answers · asked by chris w. 7

teacher to boy:jack,find me britain in the map
jack:i cant find it
teacher:get out of the class
boy shouts to teacher[from out of class]still i cant find it miss

2006-12-05 08:15:45 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and little Johnny, his grandson, are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath some weeping willow trees. The man takes out a cigarette and lights it.
Little Johnny says, "Grandpa, can I try one of your cigarettes?"
"Can you touch your a*shole with your penis?" the grandfather asks.
"No" says Little Johnny.
"Then you're not big enough." says the grandfather.
A few minutes pass, and the man takes a beer out of his cooler and opens it.
Little Johnny says, "Grandpa, can I have some of your beer?"
"Can you touch your a*shole with your penis?" he asks.
"No" says Little Johnny.
"Then you're not old enough."
Time passes and they continue to fish. Little Johnny gets hungry and he reaches into his lunch box, takes out a bag of cookies and eats one.
The grandfather looks at him and says, "They look good, can I have one of your cookies?"
"Can you touch your a*shole with your penis?" asks Johnny.
"I most certainly can!" says the grandfather proudly.
"

2006-12-05 08:14:37 · 29 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

I'm d comedian wit my frends, but I'm startin 2 run outta ideas. i lyk a gud long 1 bt not 1 dat takes 4evr. d mor insulting d btr!

2006-12-05 08:13:34 · 16 answers · asked by Hollzy =) 2

WHAT IS GREATER THAN GOD, MORE EVIL THAN THE DEVIL, THE POOR HAVE IT, THE RICH NEED IT, AND IF YOU EAT IT, YOU'LL DIE?

2006-12-05 08:13:18 · 14 answers · asked by leo_galpalval 4

Egbert meets a girl in a pub & she invites him back to her flat. She's a real hottie and tells Egbert to strip off and get into bed while she slips into something more comfortable. She puts on a pair of crotchless panties, comes in the bedroom, stands with one leg on the floor and stretches her other leg the far side of Egbert's head....'Fancy some of this' ? she says....Egbert replies...'Not likely'...'Look what its done to your knickers'!!

2006-12-05 08:12:48 · 4 answers · asked by kev3753 1

4 months later the snail says to the barman " What did you do that for"

2006-12-05 08:12:41 · 8 answers · asked by shazndave 1

The husband had just finished reading the book called man of the house.
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife pointing a finger in her face he said from now on i want you to know that i am the man of the house and my word is law.
I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight and when i am finished eating my meal i expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner you are going to fix my bath water so i can relax. And then when i'm finished with my bath guess who is going to dress me a nd comb my hair?
His wife replied The F****** funeral director would be my guess.

2006-12-05 08:08:55 · 15 answers · asked by Qt PIE 3

doctor askes patient:how are you today?
patient:its much worse now i will die soon
doctor:dont worry just leave it to me.

2006-12-05 08:08:47 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He looks in his rear view mirror and notices a police car with its red lights. He thinks, "I can outrun this guy", so he floors it.
The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy realizes he can't outrun the cop so he gives up and pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car.
He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"

2006-12-05 08:08:09 · 14 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

What is the funniest situation you've been in..? Someone's just asked me, but I don't the funniest.. I'm tryna think.. Hmm.. What about you..?

2006-12-05 08:05:57 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous