I need a fresh new joke, you want ten points?

Question

i just asked this question and someone removed it, WHY!
also, please make me laugh and you'll get ten points.

and yes i still need a fresh new joke.

Answer 1

4 guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator.
While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation. The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E. , you know...
''Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.''

The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know...
''Double Income, No Kids Yet. "

The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know...
''Rich, Urban, Biker. "

The fourth guy says, I am a D.I.L.D.O., you know...
''Double Income, Little Dog Owner.''

They turn to the woman and ask her.
''What are you?''

She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, Fu*k, Etc.''

Answer 2

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. Of course, the farmer is blond.

He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing and looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks, "Ah, excuse me, mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field!"

Answer 3

there have been 2 person adult males strolling on the line at the same time as they tripped on 3 products. One guy kissed the article. the various guy ate one and sat on the various. They fell deeply in loveeeee! guess what the products have been? A blue banana, an astonishing cabana, and Carlos Santana

Answer 4

An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees !

What a powerful river !

What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he walked alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 13 foot Kodiak bear beginning to charge toward him. He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest he tried to run even faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up he saw the bear reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to deliver a killing blow.

"OH MY GOD !" he pleadingly screamed.

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the powerful river stopped flowing.

A brilliant light shone upon the man and a thunderous voice came from all around,
"YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS. YOU TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST. YOU EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A BELIEVER? "

Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years and under these circumstances but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian? "


"VERY WELL" said the voice.

The light went out.
The river ran.
The sounds of the forest resumed.

The huge bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed and spoke............
"Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive."


get's me everytime

Answer 5

two highschool dropouts decide to make a name for themselves so they decide to go to mexico. on their way over a bridge they see people bungee jumping and they decide to make their money doing that. they get all the permits and buy the land and such

to prove that it's safe one of the guys goes first to their customers he jumps of and the rope continues to swing... and swing... and swing. finally when the bungee rope is still they pull him up and he's all bruised and beaten up. his friend asks
"Are you alright?"
"Yeah but what the hell's a pinata?"

Answer 6

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To prove to the possum that it could be done.
Why did the PunkRocker cross the road?
He had a chicken stapled to his forehead.

Answer 7

there is a chicken in a corner. another chicken joins it . there are two chickens in a corner.

this is lame. for good jokes got to comedycentral.com

or cartalk.com go to the section called lame jokes

Answer 8

Adam asked God
" Why did u give such a beautiful eyes to Ev?"
God answered:
" so u can love her"
He asked again
" then why did u give her such a big boobs?'
He answered so u can love her"
" then why did u make her so stupid?' Adam asked
" So she can love u!" Said God

Answer 9

How many cockroaches does it take to change a light bulb????





Don't know, cause every time you turn on the light, They scatter!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHEEHEEHEEHEE

Oh, well, it was worth a try for 10 points man.

Answer 10

A British Man, a French man, and an American man are on a safari in Africa, and they are taken prisoner by a savage group of villagers. As they're being brought to the village, they are told that death was their only option, however, they each had their choice of the method they would use to kill themselves. The British man requested a pistol, and cried out "Long live the queen!" as he blew his brains out. The two others watched in horror as the savages flayed the man and made his skin into a canoe. The French man was next, and he requested a Saber. "Vive le France" was what he cried out as he disemboweled himself. The American guy watched again what they did with his body, as they made his skin into a canoe. The last guy, the American guy requested a fork in which to kill himself. As soon as it was handed to him, he started stabbing himself violently as he screamed "So much for your ******* canoe!"


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Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem". The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag." The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.

They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. "Oh, yeh, dis looks good," replies Paddy.

They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. "I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is
too fockin' dangerous for me"

PART TWO

A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.

Hi, Paddy. Watch this," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom. Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting nider"

PART THREE

A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself of the cliff with the usual result. Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrot shooting and now you blimmin' hen gliding"


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An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating lunch. The Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too." The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "I I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."


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President Bill Clinton called Jean Chretien with a pressing emergency:

"Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried, "My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!" "Bill, da Canajian pipple would be 'appy to do anyt'ing wit'in der power to 'elp you," replied the Prime Minister. "I do need your help," said Clinton. "Could you possibly send us 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Certainement! I will get on hit right haway." said Jean.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said President Bill.
"Oui?"
"Could the condoms be red, white and blue, and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" asked Clinton.
"No prob'lem," replied the Prime Minister, and with that, Chretien hung up and called the president of Trojan.
"I need a favor. You got to make 1,000,000 condoms right haway, an sen'em to Hamerica."
"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.
"Great! Now listen mon ami. Dey haf to be bleu, blanc 'n rouge in color; hat least 10 hinches long, and 4 hinches in dia' meter."
"That's easily done. Anything else?"
"Yes," said the Prime Minister, "an print on dem MADE IN CANADA, size: MEDIUM."


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A German, an Australian, and a Mexican are on a plane. They say that they can tell where they are by sticking their hands out of the pane. The German sticks his hand out and says "We are in Germany". The others ask, "How do you know", the German says, "Cuz' it's so cold". Then the Australian sticks his hand out and says "We are in Australia", the others ask "How do you know", he replies "Cuz' it's so warm". Then the Mexican sticks his hand out and back in. He says " We are in Mexico", the others ask "How do you know", he says " Cuz' my watch in gone".