Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

i heard this a long time ago and
i laughed so hard
what a funny parrot

COURTEOUS PARROT

A lady is walking down the street to work and sees a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her says, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now. The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager apologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it again. The next day, when the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady." She paused, scowled with an icy and deadly stare, and said with a hoarse voice, "Yes?" The bird, strutting back and forth on its perch in a cocky manner, said, "You know."

2007-10-30 12:11:57 · 17 answers · asked by cher 5

This story has been around but still funny if you haven't heard it ...Pls star if you like it. Thx.

George W. Bush was visiting an elementary school, and the 4th grade class he sat through began a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy.” So, George W. asked the class for an example of a tragedy.

One boy stood up and said, “If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy.”

“No,” said Bush, “that would be an accident.”

A girl raised her hand and said, “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone on board, that would be a tragedy.”

“I’m afraid not,” the President said. “That’s what we would call a Great Loss.”

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. President Bush searched the room and asked, “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”

Finally, way in the back of the room, Johnny raised his hand, and in a quiet voice, he said, “If Air Force One, carrying Mr. and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, THAT would be a tragedy.”

“That’s right! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?” asked the President.

“Well,” Johnny said, “because it wouldn’t be an accident and it sure as hell wouldn’t be a Great Loss…”

2007-10-30 12:04:25 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is my very best favorite story...Pls star if you like it too. Thx.

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens.

The current rooster was still doing okay, but he was getting on in years. So he buys a new **** from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose.

The old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried. "So, they're trying to replace me," thinks the old rooster- "I've got to do something about this!"

He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town?

I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."

Well, the young rooster thought he was more than a match for the old guy.

"You're on", he said, "and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!"

So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead.

After the second lap, his lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there.

Unfortunately, his lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella.

By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.

As he walks away slowly, he says to himself, "I declare, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month.

2007-10-30 11:47:29 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

there was a family(a man a woman and a baby).they jst but a new house but they dont know its haunted the woman goes into the master bed room and a ghost appears and says "im the ghost of peter pan put your money in my hand" she says no so he kills her. the man goes into the master bedroom and the ghost appears and says "im the ghost of peter pan put your money in my hand"the man says no so he kills him.the baby crawls into the master bedroom and the ghost appears and says "im the ghost of peter pan put your money in my hand" the baby says "no im the ghost of peter piper put your money in my diaper"

theres an american a french guy and a mexican guy.there on a cliff .they come apon a genie and the genie gives them one wish each. the american guy jumps off and wishes he was a hawk. the french guy jumps off and wishes he was an eagle. the mexican trips and falls off the cliff and says HOLY ****!

2007-10-30 11:41:53 · 8 answers · asked by Jonathan S 3

Little Jimmy was laying about on a hillock in the middle of a meadow on a warm
spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape. Soon, he
began to think about God.
"God? Are you really there?" Jimmy said out loud.
To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds. "Yes, Jimmy?
What can I do for you?"
Seizing the opportunity, Jimmy asked, "God? What is a million years like to
you?"
Knowing that Jimmy could not understand the concept of infinity, God responded
in a manner to which Jimmy could relate. "A
million years to me, Jimmy, is like a minute."
"Oh," said Jimmy. "Well, then, what's a million dollars like to you?"
"A million dollars to me, Jimmy, is like a penny."
"Wow!" remarked Jimmy, getting an idea. "You're so generous... can I have one
of your pennies?"
God replied, "Sure thing, Jimmy! Just a minute."



A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and
asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"
So, her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees.

He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperm and eggs etc.
He tells her about puberty, menstruation, men and women and love...
He thinks what the hell, and tells her the works, thinking that to tell it all
is the only way to tell truth.
The girl is somewhat awe struck with this sudden influx of bizarre new
knowledge, and her father finally asks, "So why did you wish to know about sex?"

"Oh, mommy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

2007-10-30 11:26:18 · 11 answers · asked by the mrs:) 4

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
* * *
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
* * *
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"
* * *

2007-10-30 11:20:21 · 17 answers · asked by larry m♥ 7

plz dont mean comment, im jus sharin jokes


a woman walks into a supermarket, and notices a male customer whose zipper is
undone. The woman kindly says" excuse me sir,but your barracks doors are open".
Not having a clue what the woman was talking about he continued shopping. A few
moments later another customer approached the man and explained that his zipper
was undone. The man zipped up and continued his shopping. At the checkout he ran
into the woman who originally informed him of his zipper.He decides to play into
her unusual comment; "excuse me maam, when you noticed my barracks door was
open, did you happen to see a soldier standing at full attention?" The woman
responded by saying " no, all i saw was a disabled vet sitting on two duffle
bags"

2007-10-30 11:18:41 · 9 answers · asked by the mrs:) 4

2007-10-30 11:11:03 · 20 answers · asked by onthe83 2

If you dont think its funny jus dont rite n e thing mean or nothing at all



Our Four Sons

Four guys went golfing; one went in the clubhouse to pay while the others waited at the first tee. One of the guys says, “I'm so proud of my son. He is a stock broker and he's made enought that he just gave away a huge portfolio.” The next guy said, “I'm so proud of my son. He's a car dealer and he's doing so well, he just gave away a Ferrari.” The third guy says, “I'm so proud of my son. He's got enough money that he just gave away a million-dollar home.”
Just as the third guy fininshes talking, the fourth guy joins them and asks, “What are you guys talking about?'
“Just about how good our sons are doing,” the three men replied. “Well, my son is doing very well,” says the fourth man, “He's a male stripper and just last week he got a huge portfolio, a Ferrari and a million-dollar home.”

2007-10-30 11:03:54 · 12 answers · asked by the mrs:) 4

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them

2007-10-30 10:55:12 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

According to todays regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 60's 70's and 80's probably shouldn't have survives, because
Our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint that was promptly chewed and licked. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans. When we rode bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip flops and fluorescent "clackers" on our wheels (I think you will find they were known as spokey dokeys -some old git wrote this!)
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or airbags and riding in the passenger seat was a treat. We drank from the garden hose and not from the bottle, and it tasted the same. We ate chips, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy pop with sugar it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing. We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no one ever died from this.

2007-10-30 10:44:18 · 23 answers · asked by suckaslug 4

A girl comes skipping home from school and shouts, "Mommy, Mommy! Today we did counting, and all the other kids only got up to 5, but I got up to 10. 1,2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!

That's good, isn't it Mommy?

"Yes dear, it is."

"Is that because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes dear, it is."

The next day the girl comes skipping home and screams, "Mommy, Mommy! Today we did the alphabet, and all the other kids only got to D, but I got up to G. A, B, C, D, E, F, G!

That's good, isn't it Mommy?"

"Yes dear, it is."

"Is that because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes dear, it is."

The following day the girl comes skipping home and exclaims, "Mommy, Mommy! Today we did gym class, and all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" At this point the girl pulls up her top revealing a pair of amazing 36C breasts.

"That's good, isn't it Mommy?"

"Yes dear, it is," replied a slightly embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"No dear, it's because you're 25

2007-10-30 10:42:39 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

or else'

2007-10-30 10:37:42 · 27 answers · asked by denis9705 5

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A .They don't have balls to scratch!

2007-10-30 10:23:13 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman in her 90's is distraught after the death of her warm, caring, faithful husband of seventy years. She can't live without him and decides that the best way to do herself in is to stab herself in her pitifully broken heart. Still, she doesn't want to linger so she calls a doctor to find out exactly where the heart is.

He tells her to put her first two fingers together, hold them horizontally and place the tip of the first finger just below her left nipple. The heart, he says, is immediately below the first knuckle on her second finger.

Later that day, the doctor is called to the emergency room to put fourteen stitches in the elderly woman's left thigh.

2007-10-30 10:20:50 · 10 answers · asked by ? 2

Q: How do you know if you cat's got a bad cold?
A: He has cat-arrh!

Q: What is cleverer than a talking cat?
A: A spelling bee!

Q: How do you know that cats are sensitive creatures?
A: They never cry over spilt milk!

Q: What do you get if you cross a cat and a gorilla?
A: An animal that puts you out a night!

Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangeroo?
A: A stripey jumper!

Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar?
A: A sourpuss!

Q: How are tigers like sergeants in the army?
A: They both wear stripes!

2007-10-30 10:07:11 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: Who is the bees favorite singer?
A: Sting!

Q: Who is the bees favorite pop group?
A: The bee gees!

Q: What do you get if you cross a bee with a skunk?
A: An animal that stinks and stings!

Q: What does a queen bee do when she burps?
A: Issues a royal pardon!

Q: How does a queen bee get around her hive?
A: She's throne!

Q: What does the bee Santa Claus say?
A: Ho hum hum!

Q: Why do bees hum?
A: Because they've forgotten the words!

Q: What kind of bees hum and drop things?
A: A fumble bee!

Q: What did the bee say to the flower?
A: Hello honey!

Q: What's a bees favorite flower?
A: A bee-gonias!

2007-10-30 10:05:45 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

This guy I know is a jerk and I want to pull the best prank on him as possible without him knowing it was me. Anyone have suggestions?

2007-10-30 09:59:46 · 3 answers · asked by Gary G 1

Q: Why did the owl, owl?
A: Because the woodpecker would peck 'er!

Q: What is a polygon?
A: A dead parrot!

Q: What flies through the jungle singing opera?
A: The parrots of Penzance!

Q: What do you get if you cross a duck with a firework?
A: A firequaker!

Q: What is a parrot's favorite game?
A: Hide and Speak!

Q: Why did the parrot wear a raincoat?
A: Because she wanted to be a Polly unsaturated!

Q: What did the gamekeeper say to the lord of the manor?
A: 'The pheasants are revolting'!

Q: What is the definition of Robin?
A: A bird who steals!

Q: When is the best time to buy budgies?
A: When they're going cheap!

2007-10-30 09:59:04 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

When you eat a candy bar or have a wonderful dessert, have a diet drink. The calories are cancelled out by the diet drink.

I love deadlines...especially the 'whooshing' sound they make as they fly by.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

The speed of time is one-second per second.

What is another word for 'thesaurus'?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

2007-10-30 09:51:03 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

2007-10-30 09:47:49 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat your dinner while it's still warm.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

Work is good, but it's not that important.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Schizophrenia means never having to be alone.

Fart jokes never stop being funny.

Even when you know there is nobody there, dark, long hallways are creepy.

One day a pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!."
The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

2007-10-30 09:44:39 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Teacher: Your new here aren't you, what's your name?
Pupil: Fred Mickey Smith
Teacher: I'll call you Fred Smith then.
Pupil: My dad won't like that.
Teacher: Why is that?
Pupil: He doesn't like people taking the Mickey out of my name!

Student: The brain is a wonder full thing
Teacher: Why do you say that?
Student: Because it starts working the second you get up in the morning and never stops until you get asked a question in class!

TEACHER : What is an island ?
Pupil : A piece of land surrounded by water except on one side.
TEACHER :On one side ?
Pupil : Yes, on top !

Teacher: Be sure that you go straight home
Student: I can't, I live just round the corner!

TEACHER :Give me three reasons why the world is round
Pupil : Well my dad says so, my mum says so and you say so !

TEACHER : What shape is the world in?
Pupil : Rotten !

TEACHER :What's you name ?
Class : Ravi
TEACHER : You should say "Sir"
Pupil : OK, Sir Ravi !

2007-10-30 09:40:25 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

what model can seat still for hours and ever without moving when taking pictures?

a model car.

2007-10-30 09:40:06 · 47 answers · asked by the survivor 7

The girl friend says: more more faster faster.
Wife says : Beige I think we should paint the ceiling beige

2007-10-30 09:39:10 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Teacher: This is the third time I've had to tell you off this week, what have you got to say about that?
Pupil: Thank heavens it's Friday!

Teacher: Didn't you hear me call you?
Pupil: But you said not to answer you back!

Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my questions?
Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn't be much point in me being here!

Teacher: What came after the stone age and the bronze age?
Pupil: The sausage!

Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass!

Q: Why did the teacher wear sunglasses?
A: Because his class was so bright!

Q: Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher?
A: He couldn't control his pupils!

Teacher: What family does the octopus belong to?
Pupil: Nobody I know!

2007-10-30 09:38:24 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.

1956 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock.

2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1956 : Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2006 : Pedro's cause is taken up by state democratic party. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can't speak English.

+++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed

1956 - Ants die.

2006 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

+++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary, hugs him to comfort him.

1956 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.

2007-10-30 09:37:58 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Some builders drove into their local timber yard.

One of the men walked into the yard office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The storeman asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.

He returned and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."

"All right. How long do you need them?" asked the storeman,

The man paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."

After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

2007-10-30 09:34:08 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

See what 50 years will do:


Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

1956 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.

2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1956 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.

2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Jason won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1956 - Jason sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.

2006 - Jason given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jason has a disability.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a whipping.

1956 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2006 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

2007-10-30 09:33:55 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

"When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least."
"You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat that makes me look that old."

A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?"
"No, I am an undercover detective."
"So why are you in uniform?"
"Today is my day off."

A man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?"
"No," says the cop.
"What about all these other cars?"
"They didn't ask!"

2007-10-30 09:32:22 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous