Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

but they only know how to say one thing.They only know how to say,"Hi,we're prostitutes.Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's terrible!"The priest exclaimed,"but I have a solution to your problem.Bring your 2 female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my 2 male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible.My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your parrots will learn to praise and worship the Lord."
"Thank you!"the woman responded.
So the next day,the lady brings her parrots to the priest's house.The priest's 2 male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we are prostitutes.Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims,"Put the beads away.Our prayers have been answered!"

2007-10-31 03:42:01 · 3 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ***!"

"Amen," replied the congregation

2007-10-31 03:37:09 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

I cannot be other than what I am
Until the man that made me dies
Power and glory will fall to me, finally
Only when he lasts closes his eyes.

2007-10-31 03:15:57 · 3 answers · asked by Hannah C 1

by dropping a worm into a jar of Whiskey.
The worm died within seconds.
"You can see what alcohol does to smaller organisms"
said the teacher.
"What do you think it does to humans?"
One of the students after thinking hard about it put his hand up and said, "People who drink, won't get worms."

Hehehe.

2007-10-31 01:41:31 · 5 answers · asked by ♆Şрhĩņxy - Lost In Time. 7

Once upon a time there were three moles,
father mole, mother mole and a baby mole.
They were all visiting a large mole hole.
Father mole was in front, mother mole just behind
and baby mole was bringing up the rear.
As they were making their way through a very
tight portion of the tunnel,
Father mole said: " I think I can smell syrup.
What can you smell Mother mole?"
Mother mole replied: "Yes, I think I can smell syrup too.
What can you smell baby mole?"
And baby mole replied: "All I can smell is moleasses."

Hehehe.

2007-10-31 01:38:30 · 6 answers · asked by ♆Şрhĩņxy - Lost In Time. 7

I need a good laugh. It can be edgy or political.. Remember I always vote a best answer.

2007-10-31 01:24:14 · 5 answers · asked by 2fine4u 6

a irish man wasnt feeling 2 well so he went 2 the doctors.
The irish man said ive got a pain up me butt can u take a look please doctor.so the irish man bends over and the doctor starts pulling out £10 and £20 notes.he was there 4 about half an hour.the irish man said can u count the money 4 me while ur at it.the doctor said uve got £1999.the irish man said i think ur right doctor i knew i wasnt feeling 2 grand.

2007-10-31 00:55:08 · 15 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

mam and dad decided to think up a code word so they could talk about sex infront of their kids......the word they used was type writer.one day the father asked the kid to ask his mam if he could type a letter.so the kid asks the mam and she says no because there is a red ribbon in the type writer.the next day the mother tells the kid to tell his dad he can type a letter,so the kid tells the dad and he says its to late now ...it has already been hand written.

2007-10-31 00:50:38 · 12 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the
tree.
Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid
of
falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from
the
ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think
something
is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have
to
wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to
climb
all the way to the top of the tree.



Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up
to
women to stomp the sh1t out of them until they turn into something
acceptable to have dinner with.

2007-10-31 00:11:47 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a sem*n sample tomorrow."The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open." HaHa

2007-10-31 00:08:19 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?====A very loud, unattractive,woman walks into a shop in Dundee with her 2 kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.The door greeter says,"Good morning and welcome. Nice children you've got there -- are they twins?The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl:"Of course not! One is 9 and the other is 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?Ya think they look alike , di**head "Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would sh*g you twice!

2007-10-31 00:07:50 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

First, the Lord made man...


First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.

Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing.'"

After casting about for a suitable pearl,

He kept messing around and created a girl.











Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,

Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.

Two lovely hips to increase his desire,

And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.

Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,

Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.

Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you, !

And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.

Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,

And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.

'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.









Then he added a mouth.



Ruined the whole damn thing.

2007-10-31 00:05:17 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...
>>
>> a) Innovative
>> b) Preliminary
>> c) Proliferation
>> d) Cinnamon
>>
>>
>> Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...
>>
>> a) Specificity
>> b) British Constitution
>> c) Passive-aggressive disorder
>> d) Transubstantiate
Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you. b) Nope, no more booze for me. c) Sorry, but you're not really my type. d) No kebab for me, thank you. e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?f) I'm not interested in fighting you. g) Oh, no I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool. i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the
street. j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

2007-10-31 00:02:56 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-30 23:35:23 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

You only have...

A toothpick.
Handgun with 12 non piercing bullets.
A Ladder.
Rocket Less Rocket Launcher.
4 Molotov Cocktails.
Shotgun with 10 shells.
Power to Set things on fire with your mind (Except Water).
Chris Chrocker (The Leave Britney Alone guy).
Magic Fingers.

Do what you can to dispose of them.

And be descriptive!

2007-10-30 23:18:55 · 8 answers · asked by Soleiyu Faedaljen 2

2007-10-30 23:14:46 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

The owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.

The owner asks the new clerk: "What's with the guy over there by the wall?"

The new clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative"

The owner, wide-eyed and excited shouts: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"

The new clerk calmly responds: "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough."


Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

2007-10-30 23:12:24 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

AN application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

2007-10-30 23:03:02 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Financial has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cutback some of its branches.

Yesterday it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will go for a song.

Today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived and ultimately crashed while 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank also got the chop.

Analysts also report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and with redundancies likely staff fear they will get a raw deal.

2007-10-30 22:44:15 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

1.When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "could be better" this will keep her on her toes, and girls love That.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness(or if she grabs your hand squeeze hers really really hard until she cries. This will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.)

3. Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs. they love to be roughed up.

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she is say "you better be" , repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.

6. Recognize the small things, they usually mean the most. Then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them. Because jewellery is for *****'s and Asian ladies.

7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure she's looking. When she is, stare into her eyes mouth the words fcuk you and grab the other girls ****. Girls love competition.

8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because I can."

9. introduce her to your friends as "some chick". Women love those special nicknames.

10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.

11. Warm her up when she's cold...and not by giving her your jacket...then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say "if you don't stop b*tching about the cold right now you're going to be b*tching about a black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there she'll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party's dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.

13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny. Why shouldn't girls?

14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things. Like basketball.

15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.

16. If you care about her never ever tell her. This will only give her self confidence. Then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

17. Every time you're in her house steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way she'll go crazy.

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she's about to order interrupt and say "No she's not hungry". Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then clock her one. Girls love a spontaneous guy.

20. Give her one of your t-shirts......and make sure it has your smell on it. But not a sexy cologne smell. A bad smell. You know what I'm talking about.

22. If you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way she'll think you're mysterious.

23. Remember her birthday but don't get her something. Teach her material objects aren't important. The only thing that's important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

24. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas, or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then next time you know she's coming over on a trash day leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don't like this one that much but I think it's funny.

25. If she's mad at you for not calling her when you say you will, promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call you're going to tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really excited. Now don't call. That's also quite funny

2007-10-30 22:34:08 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Queen and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven.



Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven.



She takes off her top and says,

"Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm proud to own them."



St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks the Queen the same question.



She then drops her skirt and p*nties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.



St. Peter says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in."



Dolly is outraged. She screams,

"What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting hygiene

act, and gets in, and I don't?!!!"



"Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter,

"But a royal flush beats a pair any day."

2007-10-30 22:31:36 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

2007-10-30 22:23:37 · 7 answers · asked by jake5282 2

The doorman at an exclusive club says one word to each pro-
spective entrant. If the entrant answers correctly he is allowed to
enter; otherwise, he is rejected.
A hopeful non-member observed carefully as a member ap-
proached. The doorman said, “Twelve.” The member replied,
“Six.” He was admitted.
A second member came up. The doorman said, “Six.” The mem-
ber replied, “Three.” He was admitted.
The man now decided that this was easy and he stepped forward.
The doorman said, “Ten.” The man replied, “Five.” The door-
man angrily kicked him out. What should he have said?

2007-10-30 21:31:22 · 11 answers · asked by romancekenyota 2

2007-10-30 20:14:17 · 10 answers · asked by The Black Knight 5

2007-10-30 18:51:02 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-30 18:36:59 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

"We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce."
--Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper .
________________________________________________

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

2007-10-30 18:05:58 · 25 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

3 men went to a cafe and ordered.
The bill came to $30, being $10 each.
The men each gave the waiter $10.
After they had eaten, the owner realised he had overcharged them, so he gave the waiter $5 to give back to them.
The waiter, being smart, gave each man back $1 and kept $2 for himself.
($1 + $1 + $1 + $2 = $5)
So each man had ended up paying $9.
($9 x 3 = $27)
Plus, the $2 the waiter kept = $29.

Where did the other $1 go??

2007-10-30 18:00:45 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

What did the policeman say when a black widow spider ran down his back?

"You're under a vest!"

Donna Jo's car breaks down on the Interstate one day.
So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.

She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
Out of the trunk jump two men in trench coats who
walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing
oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats, exposing
their nude bodies to approaching drivers.

Not surprisingly, this causes one of the worst pileups
in history of the highway.

It's not very long before a police car shows up.

The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward Shirleen's
vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on here?"

"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.

"Well, what are these perverts doing here
by the road?!" asks the cop.

And she said....


(This is good...)

(Ready?)

(Clue: she's a blonde...)

"Those are my emergency flashers!"

2007-10-30 17:51:06 · 20 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

I wanna hear the funniest joke you know! the person with the most thumbs up wins, or the one that makes me laugh the hardest and I haven't heard 100 X's before

2007-10-30 17:16:55 · 10 answers · asked by djbred18 3