Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

You should be. Your bucks aren't worth Barney's poo anymore.

2007-10-01 09:04:14 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-01 08:54:58 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-01 08:53:47 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

It isn't permanent.



Anyone else have any favorite 'life' quotes?

2007-10-01 08:53:33 · 4 answers · asked by Jade <>< 3

give me a name that:
has 6 letters...
"a-g"...
the last letter is "n"

its driving me crazzzzyyyyy!!!!! help!

2007-10-01 08:51:35 · 8 answers · asked by boobshley 1

2007-10-01 08:50:44 · 5 answers · asked by GUARD DOG 4

Cause at 69 they blow a rod....

2007-10-01 08:45:54 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

this guy pops along to see the doctor. i've got some bad news i'm afraid you've got HBV 764,you'll be dead by tomorrow.

off goes the man back home . well love said his mum what did the doctor say. he said i've got HBV 764 i'll be dead in 24hrs. oh what a shame . A SHAME, A SHAME he says. never mind come down the bingo hall for a few games, you'll like that

so off they go down the bingo. this lad wins everything ,four corners ,diagonales, full house . the national game comes up ,he wins that. the bingo caller goes over to him and says.
son i've been a caller for 30 yrs and never seen anybody as lucky as you.
LUCKY, LUCKY says the lad i've got HBV 764.
f**k me says the bingo caller you've only won the bloody raffle as well

2007-10-01 08:26:08 · 5 answers · asked by boris the spider 5

2007-10-01 08:10:55 · 12 answers · asked by chris k 1

Down by the water where nobody goes,

There lies Rachel without any clothes,

Along comes Mark swingin his chain,

Opened up his zipper and out it came,

3 months later all was well,

6 months later it started to swell,

9 months later out it came,

There was baby Anthony swinging his chain

2007-10-01 08:07:28 · 19 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

feelin really ill. the doctor checks him over, and says "I have some bad news for you, you have six months to live"
the man says "is there anything i can do to make it longer"
the doctor replies "well yes there is, you could stop drinking, stop smoking, stop having sex, stop going out, dont do anything that is remotely fun"
"and this will make me live longer" the man says
"No, but it'll seem longer" the doctor replies

2007-10-01 08:02:54 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

funniest one gets 10 points!

2007-10-01 07:55:07 · 15 answers · asked by *Casey * 6

At the exact same time there are two young men on opposite sides of the Earth. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers. The other is receiving oral sex from a 98 year old woman.

They are both thinking to themselves the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?

The answer is below, but think about it first...

???

???

???

???

???

???

???

???

???

???

???

Answer: Don't look down.

2007-10-01 07:52:50 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

The manager tells them that its £30 for the 3 of them,or £10 each.They agree and go to the room.Later the manager decides to give them a discount and tells the porter to give the men £5 back.The porter is on his way and then wonders how he's going to split £5 3 ways,so he pockets £2 and gives the men £1each.This means that they only paid £9 each for their room.
£9 x 3= £27,plus the £2 that the porter pocketed equals £29.What happened to the other £1?

2007-10-01 07:49:03 · 14 answers · asked by gerrytweedie 3

2 eggs in a pan of boiling water ,
1 egg says to the other
'' quick come her , i got a crack ''
the other egg says
'' sod off , i aint hard yet ''

2007-10-01 07:27:54 · 9 answers · asked by Fr3dinbed 6

Extracts from a Dog's Daily Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!



Extracts from a Cat's Daily Diary

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash
or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations
perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my
strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to
disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I
had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending
comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.

B*stards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed
in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However,I could hear
the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to
the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to
my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this
again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The
dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released -and seems to be
more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to
be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am
certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective
custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...

2007-10-01 07:17:39 · 12 answers · asked by Bio Hazard 4

Officer: Soldier, do yo have change for a quarter?

Soldier: Sure buddy.

Officer: That's no way to speak to an officer!!! Lets try it again.
Do you have change for a quarter?

Soldier: No Sir.

2007-10-01 07:06:28 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, “This is a
special day. I'm celebrating.”

“I'm celebrating, too,” she replied, clinking glasses with him.

“What are you celebrating?” he asked.

“For years I've been trying to have a child,” she answered, “Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!”

“Congratulations,” the man said, lifting his glass.

“As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally
fertile.”

“How did it happen?”

“I switched c0cks， .”

“What a coincidence,” she said, smiling.

2007-10-01 06:57:20 · 15 answers · asked by treving 42 6

What do you call a snake without its skin?







Snaked

2007-10-01 06:49:35 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Take this test and don't cheat.

Take 3 minutes and try this - it will freak you out! This game has a funny/creepy outcome. Don't read ahead, just do it in order. It takes about 3 minutes.

First get a pen and paper.

When you actually choose names, make sure it's people you actually know, and go with your first instincts.

Scroll down one line at a time - don't read ahead or you'll ruin the fun!


1. First, write the numbers 1 through to 11 in a column.




2. Then, beside numbers 1 and 2, write down any two numbers you want.




3. Beside the 3 and 7, write down the names of members of the opposite sex.


4. Write anyone's name (like friends or family) in the 4th, 5th and 6th spots.

5. Write down four song titles in 8, 9, 10 and 11.

6. Make a wish

Stop! Do not scroll down until you're finished answering the questions!

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

And here is the key for the game...

1. You must tell (the number in space 2) people about this game.




2. The person in space 3 is the one that you love




3. The person in 7 is one you like but can't work out




4. You care most about the person you put in 4.




5. the person you name in number 5 is the one who knows you very well.




6. the person you name in 6 is your lucky star.




7. The song in 8 is the song that matches with the person in number 3.




8. The title in 9 is the song for the person in 7.




9. The tenth space is the song that tells you most about your mind.


10. And 11 is the song telling how you feel about life.

2007-10-01 06:37:51 · 35 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.

Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

2007-10-01 06:34:44 · 28 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin (wossat then?)

She's not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriend, Joe, innit?
He does joinery an' that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref.

One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like `Oo ya lookin at?'
Gabriel just goes 'You got one up the duff, you have.' Mary's totally
gobsmacked. She gives it to him large 'Stop dissin' me yeah? I ain't no
Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!'

So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself. Liz
is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an' that.

She's like 'Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I
reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an' that we are
gonna get.' Mary goes 'Yeah, s'pose you're right'

Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an' go
dahn Bethlehem on that. They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop,
yeah? To have her bay-bee an' that.

But there ain't no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an' Joe break an'
enter into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs an' sheep
an' that.

Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on
their heads. They're like `Respect, bay-bee Jesus', an' say they're wise
men from the East End.

Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein an'
myrrh? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?' It's all about
to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got another message
from this Lord geezer.

He's like 'The police is comin an' they're killin all the bay-bees. You
better nash off to Egypt.' Joe goes 'You must be monged if you think I'm
goin' dahn Egypt on a minging donkey'

Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, pal. But it's your look out if you stay.' So
they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killin the first-born an' it's
safe an' that.

Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an' Jesus turns water
into Stella.

APPY CRIMBO

2007-10-01 06:03:47 · 15 answers · asked by "!" 5

says to the doctor I can't get to sleep at night , I just toss and turn all the time.

The doctor says "Here is a precsription for some sleeping tablets"

The wife says "How often should I take these"

The husband says "Take one whenever you wake up"

2007-10-01 05:49:49 · 6 answers · asked by banjaxed 6

In order to continue getting-by in America , we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS".

With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.
Now, here goes...

The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and call room-service somewhere in the good old U S A today......

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... pryed, boyud, poochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

Guest: "I... don't think so."

RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!!&nb sp; I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We bodder?"

Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... and that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy ... rye??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds."

Guest: "You're welcome"

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' ".....and you do don't you!

2007-10-01 05:40:46 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and
went into a deep coma.
After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant; frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins!..... A boy and a
girl.
The babies are fine now however they were poorly at birth and
had to be christened immediately - your brother came in and named them.
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not me brother...he's a
clueless twit!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's
my daughter's name?"

"Denise," says the doctor.

The new mother is somewhat relieved

"Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my
brother....I like Denise."

Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"

Denephew.

2007-10-01 05:39:18 · 22 answers · asked by megawale 2

A man tell his wife "I don't understand why God would make you so beautiful and so stupid all at the same time." "Well," the woman replies, "God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me. And he made me stupid so I would be attracted to you." HaHa

2007-10-01 05:29:08 · 5 answers · asked by *~mama mari~* 3

He was a mediocre conductor of a mediocre orchestra. He had been having problems with the basses; they were the least professional of his musicians. It was the last performance of the season, Beethoven?s 9th Symphony, which required extra effort from the basses at the end. Earlier that evening, he found the basses celebrating one of their birthdays by passing a bottle around. As he was about to cue the basses, he knocked over his music stand. The sheet music scattered. As he stood in front of his orchestra, his worst fear was realized; it was the bottom of the 9th, no score and the basses were loaded.

2007-10-01 04:28:37 · 2 answers · asked by ghouly05 7

Most all bachelors have been the victims of a blind date.

Numerous well meaning friends and relatives are always willing to "fix up" unsuspecting bachelors with girls whom they describe as "perfect for you".

However, from the description given, it is difficult to imagine what these girls may be like. After considerable research, as a public service, I have attempted to translate some of these descriptive
phrases into plain English:

dandy little house keeper:
She has been married three times and kept all the houses

fine character:
She's ugly

knows how to handle money:
She's a spendthrift and great at spending yours

spotless reputation:
She's ugly

strong family ties:
She's a Mafia Princess

loves children:
She's pregnant and needs a husband

wonderful personality:
She's fat

great sense of humor:
She's fat and will laugh at anything you say

the outdoor type:
She hunts, fishes, chews tobacco, and shaves just like the guys

ready to settle down:
She's thirty-five, in a state of panic, and dying to marry

likes to have a good time:
She gets drunk a lot

lots of fun at parties:
Often makes an *** of herself

mature woman:
She's at least thirty, but looks at least forty-five

has the appearance of a young school girl:
She's at least thirty-three, but dresses like a teenager

casual:
She dresses like a slob

decorated her own place:
Her apartment resembles a pig sty

a great dancer:
She'll wear the soles right off your shoes

not overly emotional:
She only cries twenty-seven times a day

doesn't chase men:
She's more of a mousetrap or a black widow spider type

seldom dates:
She's a lesbian who needs a male escort for something

understands men:
She's been married and divorced four times

a good sport:
She knows two hundred jokes and can drink you under the table

looks and dresses like a model:
She's five eleven and weighs seventy three pounds

been in show business:
She's a former porn movie star

traveled a lot:
She's searched high and low for a husband

knows a lot of interesting people:
None of whom would marry her

wonderful disposition:
She's ugly

2007-10-01 04:20:26 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note :



"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with thembefore I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!



All my love.



P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

2007-10-01 04:05:57 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.

How is a woman like a condom?

Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick

Why are married women heavier than single women?

Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?

Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Why do they say 'Amen' at the end of a prayer instead of 'Awomen'?

The same reason they sing Hymns instead of Hers!

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell and crew take you safely to your destination."

Joe sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right - is the captain a woman? I think I better have scotch and soda."

When the attendants came by with drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cockpit."

2007-10-01 03:57:03 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous