Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you squeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?


97% of Harvard graduates can not figure this riddle out, but 84% of kindergarten students were able to figure this out in 6 minutes or less. Good luck!

2007-10-02 15:13:16 · 9 answers · asked by whosyourdaddy 3

Absolutely NO screaming/screamo music (whatever it's called). I would like to understand the words. And nothing with long slow spots, mostly a speedy tempo please. And what language it's in doen't matter too much either. Just not much bad language.

Some examples are:

Less for Jake
Basket Case
Bad Reputation (a bit less intense would be great)
Can't Repeat (Offspring)
I'm Blue (Eifel 65)
Mambo Number Five (Lou Bega)
Staring At the Sun (The Offspring) (great example)
Witch Doctor (The Cartoons) (kind of an odd example)
Witch Doctor (DDR version) (more like the tempo I want)

Thank you for your responses!

2007-10-02 15:07:14 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-02 14:39:17 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-02 13:39:49 · 37 answers · asked by KarlosCharlos 2

...cell phone scare you? Mine does especially when I'm in the car or just relaxing.

2007-10-02 13:36:13 · 23 answers · asked by Landra 5

Bananas are better than men because..............

The average banana stays hard for a week.
The average banana is at least 6 inches long.
A banana never suffers from performance anxiety.
Bananas are easy to pick up.
You can fondle bananas in a supermarket...
... and you know how firm it is before you take it home.

Bananas can get away any weekend.
A banana will always respect you in the morning.
A banana doesn't ask. "Am I the first".
Bananas don't care if you are a virgin.
Bananas won't tell other bananas you're not a virgin anymore. With
bananas you don't have to be a virgin more than once.

Bananas don't have sex hang-ups.
You can have as many bananas as you can handle.
You only eat bananas when you feel like it.
Bananas never need a round of applause.
Bananas won't ask:-
Am I the Best?
How was it?
Did you come? How many times?

A banana won't mind hiding in the fridge when your mother comes over.
A banana will never make a scene because there are other bananas in the
fridge.
No matter how old you are you can always get another banana.
A banana will never give you a hickey.
Bananas can stay up all night...and you won't have to sleep on the wet spot.
Bananas won't leave you wondering for a month.

Bananas won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them.
A banana never forgets to flush the toilet.
A banana doesn't flush the toilet when you are in the shower,
Bananas don't compare you to a centerfold.
Bananas don't tell you they like you better with long hair.
A banana will never leave you for :-
Another woman
Another man
Another banana.

You always know where your banana has been.
Bananas don't have mid-life crisis.
Bananas don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.
A banana doesn't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually.
Bananas never expect you to have little bananas.
It's easy to drop a banana.



2007-10-02 13:28:04 · 26 answers · asked by daffydd max 3

in walks a well-dressed bloke who orders a beer & sits by himself at the end of the bar.
The 2 builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit....
Dave: I reckon he's an accountant.
Bob: No, he's a stockbroker. Or a solicitor maybe.
Dave: He ain't a stockbroker! A stockbroker or solicitor wouldn't come in a place like this!
They swap opinions for a while, then after several more beers Dave has to go to the toilet. On entering the loo, he sees that the 'suit' is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity (& the beer) gets the better of him.
Dave: Er, 'scuse me, no offence meant like, but me & mu mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: No offence taken. I'm a Logic Scientist actually.
Dave: Oh right. So what's that then, exactly?
Suit: Let me explain by example. Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: Erm... well, yeh, I do, as it happens.
Suit: Well, it's ogical that you'd keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?
Dave: It's in a pond.

2007-10-02 13:18:45 · 10 answers · asked by funnygirl 4

Dog Property Laws
***
If I like it, it’s mine.
If it’s in my mouth, it’s mine.
If I can take it from you, it’s mine.
If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.
If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
If I’m chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
If it just looks like mine, it’s mine.
If I saw it first, it’s mine.
If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
If it’s broken, it’s yours.

How Dogs And Men Are Alike
***
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both mark their territory.
Neither tells you what’s bothering them.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women’s crotches.
Neither do any dishes.
Both fart shamelessly.
Neither of them notices when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither understands what you see in cats.

2007-10-02 13:04:16 · 6 answers · asked by julia❀✿ 5

Karen had lost her husband four years prior and was having trouble moving on. Her daughter repeatedly urged her to return back to the world. Finally, Karen agreed to go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter knew just the person for her.

They fell in love and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He was naked.

"Why the black panties?" he asked.

She replied, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knew he wasn't getting lucky that night. The following night, same scenario. There she stood with the black panties on, only now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?"

He replied "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

2007-10-02 12:58:31 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Enjoy:
In a Japanese house a baby was born. It had tiny eyes, nose, ears and mouth; so they named him Ingwingwong. Soon a second baby was born. It also had tiny ears, eyes, nose and mouth. They named him Chingwingwong. Then the third was born. It had BIG ears, eyes, nose and mouth. The parents thought for long and at last named him Somethingwrong.
**************************
Peter was having a tough time lugging his lumpy, oversized travel bag onto the plane. Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to stuff it in the overhead bin. 'Do you always carry such heavy luggage?' she sighed with a smile. "Thats enough" replied Peter. 'Next time, I'm riding in the bag, and chris can buy the ticket!'
***********************
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?' The father replied: 'Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still

2007-10-02 12:36:20 · 7 answers · asked by **beep** 6

A. Whats up, Doc?

2007-10-02 12:36:11 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two guys are shopping in a supermarket when their carts collide. One says to the other, “I’m sorry, I was looking for my wife.”

“What a coincidence. So am I, and I’m getting a little desperate,” says the other man.

“Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?”

“She’s tall, with long hair, long legs, firm boobs, and a tight ***. What does your wife look like?”

“Oh, never mind. Let’s look for yours!”

2007-10-02 12:36:04 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why did the blondes belly button hurt?


She had a blonde boyfriend.....

2007-10-02 12:28:01 · 7 answers · asked by Stefanie K 2

Dusty Underwear Story....(old but still cute).

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!"
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this?” he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out. "April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She replied with a snicker..."It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'."

2007-10-02 12:24:08 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Don't try to deny it. I just saw your report card.

2007-10-02 11:57:28 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Heard about the baby boy born last week with no eyelids. the doctors used his foreskin to make some and now he is cockeyed!

2007-10-02 11:51:53 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?". "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!", replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck". The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.

Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer". "That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

2007-10-02 11:48:42 · 15 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Four coworkers always golfed as a group at 7 A.M. every Sunday.

Unfortunately, one of them was transferred out of town, so they began talking about how they would fill out the foursome.

A woman standing nearby said, “Hey, I like to golf, May I join the group ?”

They were hesitant, but invited her to play a round, after which they would decide whether to bring her in permanently.

They all agreed and she said, “Good, I’ll be there at 6:30 or 6:45.”

She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under-par round.

The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her.

Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round.

The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said, “OK, I’ll be here at 6:30 or 6:45.”

Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning.

Only this time, she played left-handed and matched her 7-under-par score of the previous week.

2007-10-02 11:43:48 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Teenager asks his Gran
"have you seen my pills, they're marked LSD"

His granny replied

"F###ck the pills....Have you seen the Dragons in the kitchen"!

2007-10-02 11:31:47 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

To be sure, to be sure

2007-10-02 11:14:06 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Once upon a time a man asked his Girlfriend
"Will you marry me?"

She replied "NO"

And the man lived happily ever after and went Golfing, Fishing, Drinking, Sh@gging and still had money in his pocket at the end of the week......................The End!

2007-10-02 11:05:48 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young woman on a flight from Mexico asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course, what may I do for you?" the priest replied. "Well, I bought an expensive hair dryer for my mother's birthday. It's unopened and over my customs limits. I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through for me? Under your robes, perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie," said the devout man. "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they reached the customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous instrument designed for a woman's use, but which is, to date, unused." The official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next.
______________
There once was a religious young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times." The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice." The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

2007-10-02 11:04:58 · 13 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

A gang member was holding his 8-month-old baby while his wife was in the kitchen fixing lunch. The baby murmured "mother." The guy gets all excited and hollered to his wife, "Hey, the baby just said half a word!"
_______________________________________________
Little Billy watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Billy. "Giving up?"
_______________________________________________
A cowboy is driving down a back road in Texas. A sign in front of a restaurant reads, "Happy Hour Special: Lobster Tail and Beer." "Hot damn," the cowboy says to himself, "My three favorite things!"

2007-10-02 10:56:27 · 14 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

"Hold on. I'm going on a-head."

2007-10-02 10:01:37 · 4 answers · asked by Willy WOnka 2 1

I thought that people on Q+A were being nice, I stupidly believed that 'lol' meant 'lots of love' until today.......
and today I lol at myself!
Do I get a star for being honest.

2007-10-02 09:21:43 · 16 answers · asked by moonbow 6

The birds and bees... version 2005... Cute one!

Bobby says: Daddy, how was I born?

Dad says: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on
MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a
cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed
to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of
us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete
button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:

You've Got Male!

2007-10-02 09:18:10 · 5 answers · asked by mobile auto repair (mr fix it) 7

2007-10-02 09:12:26 · 2 answers · asked by ghouly05 7

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.'

The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.

The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,

'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'

The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!

2007-10-02 08:44:07 · 18 answers · asked by Brian F 3

Two Australian pilots are just about to land, when suddenly one says "Crikey! thats a bit of a short runway", the other replies "Crikey!, tell ya what, put the flaps on full, as soon as we hit the ground, apply the emergency brakes and then reverse throttle."
The plane hurtles onto the runway, emergency brakes applied, throttle on reverse, and just about grinds to a halt before they cut onto the grass. Both pilots take a sigh of relief (aswell as the passengers) and one exclaimes "Crikey! thats the widest runway I've ever seen!"

2007-10-02 08:34:12 · 11 answers · asked by Jon 3

A man and woman went to the state fair annually for years. They were never well off so they were very careful how they spent their money at the fair. Usually they just used their money to buy produce or hand made goods from the farmers showing their wares. But the man always wanted to take the helicopter ride to see the fair grounds from the air at night. It only cost five bucks per person but every time he suggested they ride, she would say, I know it’s only five bucks each, but ten bucks is ten bucks.

His annual disappointment did not deter him from trying each time they went. But always the answer was no because after all ten bucks is ten bucks.

One year the pilot overheard their annual exchange and, having no customers at the time, said “I’ll make a deal with you and will take you up for free if you can go through the whole flight without saying a word; but if you speak at all, its full price.” The man’s eyes lit up and reminding his wife how taciturn they both were, she agreed they could take the ride.

Once in the air, the pilot did everything he could to make them speak, doing loop-de-loops, diving perilously close to the ground, rolling the chopper from side to side, and making sudden turns. Nothing he did brought the slightest sound from either of them. Finally, giving up he returned the helicopter to the ground having extended the flight 15 minutes longer than usual. Turning to see how they fared during the flight, he realized only the man was in the helicopter. Startled he asked the man “Where’s your wife?” The man replied “Oh she fell out the first time you rolled the chopper to the right.” “My god” said the pilot, “Why didn’t you say something.” The man looked at him, smiled, and replied “Hey, ten bucks is ten bucks.”

2007-10-02 08:02:07 · 3 answers · asked by ghouly05 7