Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.

He's going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person....because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large. All in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I"m talking to that little f***er on your knee!"

2007-10-04 05:23:44 · 5 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

What did the Giraffe say when he ordered a cocktail?
The hihgballs are on me.
**********************
Life is all about asses.....
You're either covering your own,Laugh it off,Kicking it,Kissing it,Busting it,Trying to get a piece of it,Or behaving like one!!!
*********************
Mum overhears Dad telling their son about the facts of life but doesn't like what he's sayiing.So,later she sits down with her son and describes the 3stages of the willy."In your 20s,your willy is like an oak tree-mighty and rock hard,"she says."In your 30&40s,it's like a birch-flexible but reliable.But when you reach your 50s,it's like a Christmas tree.
"A Christmas tree?"her son asks baffled.
"Yes,"his mum replies.
"Dead from the root up and the balls are just there to add decoration."
**************
Why did the girl have her postcode tattooed onto her inner thigh?
She was hoping for some male in her box!!!!!
Star if you like thank you!!!!!!

2007-10-04 04:33:33 · 13 answers · asked by Wonderstar 6

the doctor asked how long i,d been a cowboy, and i said, for about a YEEAAAR HA!

2007-10-04 03:34:31 · 12 answers · asked by shergal farkey 4

Husband calls home and the maid answers the phone.
He says, "Can I speak to my wife?"
She says, "No, she's upstairs with her boyfriend."
So, he says, "Ok, go to the hall closet and take out my shotgun. Go upstairs and shoot them both."
Being the loyal maid, she says, "Ok.", 5 minutes later she picks up the phone and says, "Ok, they're both dead. What should I do with the bodies?"
He says, "Throw them in the pool, and I'll take care of them when I get home."
She says, "We don't have a pool."
He asks, "Is this 555-1234?"

Please star if u like it

2007-10-04 02:56:12 · 16 answers · asked by A. Sokarno 1

What is the name of the longest river in the continental United States, which at no time serves as part of any State or National boundary?

2007-10-04 02:44:06 · 5 answers · asked by righteousjohnson 7

What English word can have 4 of its 5 letters removed and still retain it's original pronunciation?

2007-10-04 02:28:06 · 24 answers · asked by bull_ridin_chik 3

What do you think of my start:

Officer Mcklowskie drained the last dregs of his cup of coffee. They’d received the call at five in the morning: a woman was calling from her cellar on her mobile, locked down there with her son, the father upstairs taking a baseball bat to their home. By the time they’d got there, both the mother and the boy were dead, their heads caved in by what the rport would later describe as “a blunt instrument”.
“Like hell” thought Mcklowskie. “Should read: ‘Smashed to ******* bits by a baseball bat at the hand of some twisted creep’”. He sighed. Red tape - what can you do? He reflected that it was pretty much the way of the world these days. Police forces tied up by beuocracy and unable to do little more than take statements.
“Hey, Mcklowskie?”. Mcklowskie turned, his faded jacket creasing noiselessly in the drone of the car radio burbling details to and from local units. Not that there were very many: most had been called to sort this god awful mess out

2007-10-04 02:27:33 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-04 02:21:16 · 5 answers · asked by Medha 1

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, ''All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine.''

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

2007-10-04 02:20:31 · 10 answers · asked by Joe H 3

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him: "This is all in your mind" and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits, the shrink confesses: "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor says: "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says: "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year!

All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor: "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says: "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"

2007-10-04 02:19:41 · 14 answers · asked by Joe H 3

SMART *** ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on American Airlines.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.


SMART *** ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your
stub."


SMART *** ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she
couldn't find one big enou gh for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."


SMART *** ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled
down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a
ticket.


SMART *** ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.
A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead".
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under
the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on
his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas."



SMART *** ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006:
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or
a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!"
A smart-*** guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student,
shakes her head and sweetly says,
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

2007-10-04 02:04:45 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

your in a game show. there are three dorrs. door a), b) and c)
one has a million dollars the other two have nothing. u pick a door, one other containing nothing is revaeled. no therre is just the door u picked and the other. you are offered to keep ur door or take the other unopened door. if you keep ur door what are the chances of getting the million dollars and if u switch what are the chances.

i know the answer and its not 50/50
if you want to see if you got i rite email me @ alex.yaya@hotmail.com

2007-10-04 01:38:36 · 3 answers · asked by akexyaya 1

I think they layed eggs in my cheese.

2007-10-04 00:54:47 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day a priest and a nun where traveling thro the desert on a camel and suddenly the camel falls over dead, and after hours of contemplating they realize that there is no hope for survival, so the priest says to the nun "since were gonna die anyway can i ask for one favor," the nun replies "sure" and he says "i have never felt a womans breasts may i please touch yours?" the nun agrees and after about five minutes of foundling the nun says to the preist "now can i ask you favor, i have never felt a mans penis before may i touch yours?" the preist replies "sure" and after about 5 minutes of foundling the priest says to the nun " ya know if i stick this in something i can create life" and the nun replies "well what are you waiting for stick that thing in the camel and lets get the hell out of here!"

2007-10-04 00:22:05 · 4 answers · asked by Kyle The King Of Kings 3

Mr. Bush and his driver were traveline by a country road when suddenly they hit a pig. Bush told to his driver to go to a near farm to explain the farmer what had happened to the animal. 2 hours later the driver got back smoking ciggar, with a bottle of wine in the other hand and with his clothing all wrinkled. "What happened?" Mr. Bush asked to the driver who answered "Well, the farmer gave me this bottle of wine, his wife the ciggar and their 19 years old daughter made love to me. "But what did you do for that to happened?" Mr. Bush asked and the driver answers "Al I did was saying 'Hi, I'm Mr. Bush's driver and I just killed the pig.'

2007-10-04 00:19:21 · 3 answers · asked by Javy 7

Scientist in the artic find 2 bodys in the ice, they dig them up and thaw them out, they look at the bodys and realise they are looking at adam and eve. the bodys are completely naked, so how did they know it was adam and eve.

2007-10-03 23:18:06 · 28 answers · asked by Catrina M 4

A man goes to visit his 85 year old father in a nursing home when he sees the nurse in his father's room give his a father a glass of milk and a viagra. As the nurse leaves the room the man asks the nurse, "What did you do that for?"
The nurse replies, " the milk is to help him sleep, and the viagra is to keep him from rolling out of bed!

2007-10-03 22:52:45 · 3 answers · asked by seadog 5

Scientists announced the development of a computer chip that can be implanted into a woman's breast and plays music.
The" i-boob" is regarded as a major breakthrough,as women are always complaining about men staring at their boobs and not listening to them.

2007-10-03 22:32:10 · 15 answers · asked by xyz 7

that he plans on racing next season, but when he gets her home, his old stallion smells her and wants her and starts kicking up dust.

The farmer doesn't want her knocked up, because she won't be able to race, so he calls the vet. The vet tells him to tie a bed sheet around the filly's rump to keep the stallion away. So that day, the farmer does just that.

The next day, the farmer goes out to the corral to make sure the vet's solution worked, but the filly is nowhere to be found. The farmer follows her hoof trail to the neighbor's farm, and sees the neighbor's kid out by their barn.

"Hey young man," the farmer calls, "did you see a filly run by with a bed sheet tied around her rump?"

The kid replies, "No sir, but one dashed past here early this morning with a handkerchief sticking out of her ****."

2007-10-03 22:09:38 · 4 answers · asked by Samuel D 1

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams.

If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the Hell happened to your bra and panties.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " ~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." ~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like your dad.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can! ~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

2007-10-03 22:01:23 · 23 answers · asked by Grotty Bodkin is not dead!!! 5

A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer), told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs, and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The little boy admitted that she did.

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."

Enjoy Friends

2007-10-03 21:59:49 · 9 answers · asked by Raj 4

all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So the guy stands up to leave and falls flat on his face.

He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.

So he crawls all the way home and at the door stands up and again falls flat on his face.

He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.

"So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"And what makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on his best innocent face.

"The pub called. You left your fcuking wheelchair there again."

2007-10-03 21:58:28 · 5 answers · asked by Samuel D 1

and sees his dad giving his mum one, his dad just laughs and throws a pillow at him and shouts "get out". A littlle while later johnnys dad hears a commotion from johnnys bedroom he rushes into see johnny sh**ging his gran, his dad gasps in horror and johnny just looks at him and says "its not so funny when its your mum is it ?"

2007-10-03 21:47:53 · 23 answers · asked by lorrilou 3

A pregnant woman standing in line at the bank
is shot in the stomach during a holdup. Rushed
to the hospital, the doctors save her life but
do not want to remove the bullets. They tell
her the bullets will come out through normal bodily
functions. Months later she delivers triplets, two
girls and a boy. Thirteen years later one girl runs
crying to her mother that something metallic has dropped
from her into the toilet. The mother explains that it's
a bullet and relates the whole story. A week later the
other daughter comes crying with the same story and, again,
the mother says it's a bullet and explains the story. A
week later the boy comes running and crying. His mother asks,
"Did something fall into the toilet?" "Heck no!", he says.
"I was playing with myself and I shot the dog!"

2007-10-03 21:43:24 · 8 answers · asked by unity 3

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother
asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her
know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts one in half and sends her
the top part.

Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his
grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally
sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent
the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight
is and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says,
"Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style...it makes your nose
look long."

2007-10-03 21:34:49 · 10 answers · asked by unity 3

A man forgot his wedding anniversary. His angry wife demanded: ”Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway that goes from 0 to 100 in under 4 seconds!“

Next morning wife found a parcel in the driveway containing a new bathroom scale…His funeral will be held on Friday!!





Little boy asks his spinster aunt: ”Why have you never married?“ she replied: ”because I have a parrot, a dog and a cat. They are just like a man, the parrot swe**s like a man, the dog f**ts continuously like a man and the cat str**s at night , like a man!“



As I grow older my body becomes like an old motorcar: every time I sneeze, cough or sputter either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.







Wife is heavily pregnant and in hospital to give birth. An anxious husband is watching cricket whilst awaiting news from the hospital. Eventually he could not wait any longer and called the hospital to find out about his wife, but….

2007-10-03 21:34:06 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH
1. Two World Wars and One World Cup.
2. Warm beer.
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.
5. Union jack underpants.
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8. Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not.
9. Ditto changing underwear.
10. Beats being Welsh.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SCOTTISH
1. You ain't English!
2. You ain't English!
3. You ain't English!
4. You ain't English!
5. You ain't English!
6. You ain't English!
7. You ain't English!
8. You ain't English!
9. You ain't English!
10. You ain't English!

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH
1. Guinness.
2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives.
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road.
4. Pubs never close.

2007-10-03 21:23:52 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

2007-10-03 21:20:23 · 2 answers · asked by Martian G 1

Ashley, a young blonde woman, was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days, but finally she returned.

Her friend, Susan, never saw Ashley looking so sad. "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay. But you look so sad. Why?"

Ashley said, "Cause I just can't get a man."

Susan replied, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."

Ashley said, "Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods because I needed to find something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."

Susan said, "I don't understand what you're talking about."

Ashley replied, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."

Susan asked, "So, how is that gonna help you get a man."

Ashley answered, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."

2007-10-03 21:01:42 · 5 answers · asked by bilbo b 4

3 MEN GO INTO A MOTEL. THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK SAID THE ROOM IS
$30, SO EACH MAN PAID $10 AND WENT TO THE ROOM.

A WHILE LATER THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK REALIZED THE ROOM WAS ONLY
$25, SO HE SENT THE BELLBOY TO THE 3 GUYS' ROOM WITH $5.

ON THE WAY, THE BELLBOY COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO SPLIT $5 EVENLY
BETWEEN 3 MEN, SO HE GAVE EACH MAN A $1 AND KEPT THE OTHER $2 FOR
HIMSELF.

THIS MEANT THAT THE 3 MEN EACH PAID $9 FOR THE ROOM, WHICH IS A
TOTAL OF $27, ADD THE $2 THAT THE BELLBOY KEPT = $29.

WHERE IS THE OTHER DOLLAR?

SEND THIS TO 5 PEOPLE AND THE ANSWER WILL APPEAR ON YOUR SCREEN.

2007-10-03 20:58:03 · 4 answers · asked by Bryan 2