Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

The difference between bathing suits of now and then is, that the bathing suits of the past required that you open the suit to see the buttocks.

The bathing suits today require that you open the buttocks to see the suit.

2007-10-04 18:42:46 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three convicts were on their way to prison. They were each allowed to bring along one item to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards, grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, gin and other games with a cellmate, or all sorts of different solitaire games when I'm by myself."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself.

The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons, smiled and said, "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned, pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the label, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller skating...."

2007-10-04 18:39:12 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent," They throw the switch and nothing happens.

They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.

Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

2007-10-04 18:34:37 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby.

The preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.

There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Having children is an act of God!" Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers."

2007-10-04 18:29:18 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

" Honey, someone from Gyna Colleges called and said your Pabst Beer is normal. Gosh, after all these years, I thought you didn't like beer??!!"

2007-10-04 17:32:38 · 17 answers · asked by Adios 7

Riddle: You have 6 bunny rabbits in a row. They all take a step backwards except 1. What do you have? Correct answer earns you 10 points.
Laurey.
intercourse692@yahoo.com

2007-10-04 17:18:52 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever!

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.

The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs

2007-10-04 15:32:07 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Someone gave me this brain teaser the other day and I can't figure it out.

2007-10-04 15:30:24 · 1 answers · asked by cshushu 2

1. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

2. Say "no" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

3. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

4. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog has the gout..."

2007-10-04 15:27:15 · 15 answers · asked by dinOgaL(: 3

I want to know your opinion if you were this guy and what you would do. Funniest answer gets 10 points.

Whilst enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place.

The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it.

Finally, the spent young bloke rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.

Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the bloke begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?"

"No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered bloke.

Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."

2007-10-04 15:13:05 · 18 answers · asked by WhITe and NerDy 2

2007-10-04 14:14:36 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

I play volleyball and believe it or not everytime we get all tense during a game and stuff our coach tells us a joke and we actually do a little better after a joke...does anyone have some quick funny jokes for the huddle??

2007-10-04 13:58:40 · 2 answers · asked by NyGiantsFan 2

Here are some riddles you might enjoy

1. What gets wetter and wetter the more it dries?

2. You throw away the outside and cook the inside. Then you eat the outside and throw away the inside. What did you eat?

3. What goes up and down the stairs without moving?

4.What goes around the world but stays in a corner?

5.I have holes in my top and bottom, my left and right, and in the middle. But I still hold water. What am I?

6. Give me food, and I will live; give me water, and I will die. What am I?

7.The man who invented it doesn't want it. The man who bought it doesn't need it. The man who needs it doesn't know it. What is it?

If you want the anwser just email me

2007-10-04 13:55:35 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-04 13:35:29 · 9 answers · asked by Erdnusslöckchen 7

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart!

2007-10-04 13:31:20 · 5 answers · asked by ♪ Pamela ♫ 7

2007-10-04 13:27:49 · 15 answers · asked by More 2

Recent research shows that there are five kinds of sex: - The first kind of sex...SMURF SEX. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face. The second kind of sex...KITCHEN SEX. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen. The third kind of sex...BEDROOM SEX. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex in your bedroom. The fourth kind of sex...HALLWAY SEX. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "F*ck You". The fifth kind of sex...COURTROOM SEX. This is when you can not stand your husband anymore, you take him to court and screw him in front of everyone.

2007-10-04 13:11:09 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

How do you know you wake up in the ghetto.

Cause the alarm clock made to sound like a police siren.
And no one oversleep they wake up running.

2007-10-04 12:38:08 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters. 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

2007-10-04 12:06:38 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Another 3 riddles for whoever wants 10 points.
Be the first to get them all and you win!

1. A man owns a certian kind of grandfather clock that makes the hour it is known by chiming that many times, (meaning it will chime 5 times at 5:00, 6 an 6:00 and so on.) and once every X:30 (meaning once at 5:30, and once at 6:30 and so on). He comes home from work one day and hears that clock chime once exactly as he gets home. About half an hour later, it chimes once again. Half an hour later it chimes once again. Same thing 30 minutes later. And once more in another half hour. His clock is working normally. What time did he get home?

2. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?

3. You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

4. If you overtake the last person in a race, then you are...?


Yes, i know all the answers to these.

:)

2007-10-04 11:48:41 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-04 11:41:59 · 2 answers · asked by skeester63 1

2007-10-04 11:35:45 · 27 answers · asked by KC Desert 3

no dumb answers

2007-10-04 11:15:19 · 13 answers · asked by john n 1

Smantha was in love with Darren when they ran away from home. Her mother was very concerned. "Did _____" she asked anxiously.
Fill in the blank with an element name off the periodic table, so that it sounds like a phrase that makes sense. For example:
Q: As the masked man rode away, he was heard to say: "Hi Ho ____"
A: Silver [so we're away]
Get it?

2007-10-04 11:09:33 · 7 answers · asked by tobias 2

A man went to prison for the first time and wanted to fit in and make friends. At 10:00 the lights went out and all was quiet. All of a sudden he hears a voice yell 11. Then he hears laughter. About ten minutes later he hears 27, again more laughter. He can't figure it out.

The next day during the exercise period he asks someone what was going on. He was told they are not allowed to talk after lights out. But in the prison library there is a joke book and the jokes are listed by numbers.

He went to the library and memorized some of the jokes. He couldn't wait until lights out and try it out. At 10:00 when the lights went out, he yelled out 23. Nobody laughed. He thought about the joke and decided it wasn't all that funny. Then he tried 19. Still nobody laughed. He remembered people laughed at 27, so he yells out 27! No laughter. He asked his cell mate what happend. His cell mate said, oh well some people can tell jokes and some people can't!!!!!

2007-10-04 10:57:45 · 11 answers · asked by Jessie H 6

Some people will think this is hilarious, and others will think its stupid, but here it is.

A man is walking in a graveyard, when suddenly, he hears music. He wonders what its coming from. He finally gets to Beatovens grave. He hears the 9th symphony being played backwards. He comes back the next day with a friend, and they hear the 7th being played backwards. The whole town has now heard of this. Everyone is standing at the grave, and they hear the 5th backwards. The keeper of the grave walks up, and one of the men says "do you have an explanation for this?!?!?!" The keeper then says "Dont you get it, hes decomposing!!!

2007-10-04 10:42:35 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fixed his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, and fixed his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"

2007-10-04 10:37:48 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

BE NICE!

2007-10-04 10:36:55 · 7 answers · asked by Tammy W 1

A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.

As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.

The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."

2007-10-04 10:34:36 · 4 answers · asked by volvic58 2

they are coming out with a new line.

Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors(half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.

Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too -- muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.

Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

2007-10-04 09:53:41 · 11 answers · asked by Dondi 7