Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

A: wedding cake!

2007-10-05 08:57:03 · 23 answers · asked by HERBS 2

You put it in your shoe and it makes you limp.

2007-10-05 08:55:41 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

As an aeroplane is about to crash, a female passenger frantically jumps up, removes all her clothing and announces: "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone on this plane who is man enough?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this."

2007-10-05 08:17:47 · 15 answers · asked by richard_beckham2001 7

DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

THE MAIN REASON SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE
PURPOSE.

IF A DEAF PERSON SWEARS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH
SOAP?

IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD "LISP" TO HAVE "S" IN IT?

WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

2007-10-05 07:34:59 · 5 answers · asked by Steve C 7

The punchline is 'I don't know who he is, but he must be famous as Gordon Brown is his chauffeur'.

2007-10-05 07:26:23 · 5 answers · asked by footynutguy 4

Spell Ihop then say ness have fun NOT lol

2007-10-05 06:44:15 · 12 answers · asked by DIMPLES08 2

A man from Appalachia had to go to California. It was his first trip by airplane and the flight made four or five stops along the way.The man watched the gas truck refueling the plane at each stop with great interest. When they landed at their destination, his seatmate commented, "We made pretty good time in spite of the stops".
The mountaineer replied, " Yes, and that feller with the gas truck did all right too".

2007-10-05 06:42:29 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzy, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzy," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.

"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, f*cking beautiful!'"

2007-10-05 06:35:15 · 21 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to 365 East West Street.

By mistake, he went to 365 WEST East Street, the office of a podiatrist. Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him.

She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and someone would be with him soon.

He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered.

Finally the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand.

"My goodness", she exclaimed, "I was expecting to see a foot."

"Well," he said, "if you're going to complain about an inch then I'll take my business elsewhere."

2007-10-05 06:34:04 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

The white guy says I bet the both of you I can jump out the window and live. The bar is a couple stories high so it's not possible. They say ok, I'll buy your drinks for the night if you can jump out and come back in one piece. The white guy jumps out the window and seconds later enters the bar and sits down. The Mexican says if you can do it so can I and I want you to buy my drinks for the rest of the night. The black guy and white guy agree to pay for his drinks and he jumps from the window. Splat goes the mexican. Bewildered the black guy asks how he made it withought ending up dead. The white guy smerks and says I'm superman and I never have to pay for my drinks.

2007-10-05 06:27:18 · 18 answers · asked by robbodabbo2004 4

Coz he's really hungry. He goes up to the counter and looks at the 'today's special' board. It just so happens to be toasties.
'Can I have a cheese toastie?' the rabbit enquired.
The chef gets him a cheese toastie. The rabbit eats it. It's delicious, but it hasn't filled that gap in his stomach.
'Ok, can I have a ham and mushroom toastie?' again, the rabbit asks.
Another toastie is presented to him. He eats it, but no, he's still a tad hungry.
'Right, can I have the Mediterranean Deuleux special please?' Yet another toastie is brought to him. And finally, his stomach is comfortably full.
The rabbit walks out the cafe and dies.

Another customer walks into the cafe and goes up to the man at the counter.
'Dude, there's a dead rabbit outside your cafe'
'Indeed' the cafe owner replies 'MIXED-A-MY-TOASTIES'

AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA....

Yay? Or not?

2007-10-05 06:20:05 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

Four nuns are driving to market and get hit by a drunk driver and all four nuns die. They get in line to go through pearly gates and wait for St. Peter to admit them.

St. Peter goes to the nuns and says "I realize that you are sisters of the cloth, but I must ask you if you have anything to report to me that might be a sin."

The sisters thought for a while and the first nun went to St. Peter. "I once touched a man's penis with this finger". St. Peter thought for a while and said. "I'm sure it was in the line of duty; Place your finger in that holy water and swirl it around." She did as she was instructed and "PING" she was in.

The second nun went to St. Peter and said, "I once touched a man's genitals with my entire right hand." Again St. Peter thought for a while and said, "I'm sure it was within your duties; Swirl your hand in that holy water and go in." The second nun did as she was instructed and "ping" she was in.

All of a sudden the 4th nun jumped in front of the 3rd nun. St. Peter was really confused by this. "How come you cut in front of Sister?"

The 4th nun replied, "I just wanted to know if I could gargle with that holy water before she soaked her *** in it!"

2007-10-05 06:15:41 · 13 answers · asked by bellatrix 6

An old man was sitting at the bar, when a young man came in with a mowhawk haircut dyed different colors. He sat down next to the old man and noticed that the old man was staring at him. Finally the young man asks the man "What the hell are you staring at! Didn't you ever do anything crazy when you were a kid?" The old man pondered for a moment and replied "Yeah, I screwed a peacock and I was wondering if you were my son."

2007-10-05 05:59:35 · 20 answers · asked by Shae 5

There is three errers in this sentence. What are they?

2007-10-05 05:10:39 · 25 answers · asked by JohnFlippinBrown 3

my mate the other night decided to have a party, there was about 15 people at his house and everyone was quite drunk. for fun (or so they thought) two lads thought it would be funny if one of them got their penis out and slapped it on a frying pan. the one lad walked into the living room shouting "does anyone want a sausage" everyone cringed in the room. what can you do?
my question is, has any of your friends embarrased themselves so badly that you just cringe and pretend you dont know them at the end of the night, or makes you look at them differently after they did it? examples please

2007-10-05 03:01:44 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Member since: 17 April 2007
Total points: 1,309 (Level 3)
Points earned this week:
--% Best answer

Jonsey
S Question about wasps?
ok i just want to ask am i the only person who freaks out when a wasp hovers round me? i swear im like a wasp radar, they know to come near me cus i start running around like a headless chicken bumping into people. once a wasp landed on my hand in a bar and i screamed my head off, scaring the **** out of an old couple sitting near by having a quiet lunch. someone please agree with me that this is the most agressive and scariest species in the world

2007-10-05 02:48:37 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two women are walking home after a girlie night out. They are very drunk and the walk home is taking some time due to their intoxicated state.
Eventually, they find themselves desperate for a wee. At that particular moment, they are passing a church and decide to go behind the headstones in the graveyard.
As they finish they both realize they have nothing to 'freshen-up' with so the first woman decides to use her knickers and then throw them away.
The second woman is wearing very expensive underwear and is reluctant to lose them, when she notices a new grave nearby with lots of freshflowers, amongst which is a very lavish bouquet with a thick soft ribbon.
Just the job' she decides and without another thought, duly drags the bouquet over and uses the ribbon to dry herself. Their task-completed, the women continue staggering home.

2007-10-05 01:53:00 · 11 answers · asked by cmcconnachie2000 3

A man suffering from severe hallitosis (bad breath) went to his doctor. The doc said, "look, there's no one specialised in Britain to help you... but here, go to L.A and find this girl, Merry Pupins." The guy looks at the name, and heads out to sunny California.
He tracks down the girl, who invites him into her house. Once inside she grabs him, sticks her tongue in his throat, and licks all around... She tells him to go home.

Next day, he wakes up with the freshest, minties breath in the world. Happy as Larry he walks out of the house, and bursts into song. His neighbour asks him why he's so happy... and he exclaims...

A
"Super-california-girl-just-licked-me-hallitosis"

2007-10-05 01:51:24 · 5 answers · asked by Ryan L 3

A customer in a restaurant complained that there were no more toothpicks left in the toothpick box on the table. The waiter in turn complained that toothpicks were running out really fast. A man at a nearby table turned around and said, "Oh-oh, don't blame me, I don't use too many, in fact after I use them, I put them back."

2007-10-05 00:53:04 · 10 answers · asked by milky s 4

star me if you like this =D

miracles by women:
1. they are wet without getting wet
2.they bleed without cuting themself
3.they give milk and they dont eat grass
4.they talk shisits and no one asks them anything...

2007-10-04 23:29:49 · 9 answers · asked by Bella 4

2007-10-04 23:25:04 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old millionare gets married to this beautiful young woman.
On the first "wedding night" while making love to her, he realizes, she doesn't have an orgasm.
He goes to his doctor and the doc says:" Well, hire a young man to stand over the bed ans wave a towel while you make love to your wife." The old man looks at his doc, but proceeds to go home and follow his instructions.
Here he is, the old man, making love to his wife while the young man waves his towel but again, his wife doesn't have an orgasm. The old man goes back to his doc who suggests this time, the young man should be standing naked and wave his towel while the couple makes love in bed. Again, without results. So for the last time, he goes to his doctor who this time says:" Let the young man make love to her and you wave the towel"! And so the old man did. He waved the towel.
That night, the old man's wife has finally an orgasm and screams out loud full of passion.
To which the old man says:

2007-10-04 23:17:29 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

paint an x on the backs of the sheep that kick.

2007-10-04 22:51:38 · 24 answers · asked by majoti 5

Notice in health foods shop widow:
Closed due to illness.

Spotted in a safari park:
Elephants please stay in your car.

Seen during a conference:

For anyone who has children and doesn't know it,there is a Day Care on the 1st floor.

Notice in a farmer's field:
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free,but the bull charges.

On a repair shop door:
We can repair anything. [Please knock hard on the door-the bell doesn't work].

2007-10-04 22:45:41 · 9 answers · asked by xyz 7

In an office:
Toilet out of order..............Please use floor below.

In a Laundromat:
Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

In a London department store:
Bargain basement upstairs.

In an office:
After tea-break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

Outside a second hand shop:
We exchange anything-bicycles,washing machines,etc.Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?.



Did you manage to smile?.I've just received these through an e-mail. More to follow.Thanks.

2007-10-04 22:33:21 · 13 answers · asked by xyz 7

a guy in a desert all alone for 5 months desperate for sex,,
he finds a camel ,, so he thought to screw the camel for his desperation,,, went near camel all ready,, tries to insert, but the camel steps fwd 1 step,, again tries but camel steps fwd one step.. many tries resulting same,,
all of a sudden a girl without a piece of cloth runs to him and asks for help, 4 guys chasing her,, so he makes agreement with the girl if he protects her,, then she has to do anything for him, the girl accepts,,
with great fight he knocks down the rogues,,
Girl: thanks a lot dude,, ok tell me wat can i do for u, anything in the world i can giv u,, ask me,, (still not a single piece of cloth on her)
Guy: ok fine,, its my time now,, i have protected u ,, u have to do only a small help for me as per the agreement,,
Girl: fine, tell me wat,,
Guy: Can u pls hold the camel's legs tight for few minutes till i complete,,,, LOL....!

2007-10-04 22:26:37 · 26 answers · asked by Oh itsme !! 3

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."

"Like this?"

"A little more..."

"Like this?"

"No. A little more..."

"Like this?"

"Yes. Does that hurt?"

"A little bit."

"Now stretch it over your head!"

2007-10-04 22:00:29 · 17 answers · asked by jake5282 2

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothing'." said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

2007-10-04 21:57:27 · 5 answers · asked by jake5282 2

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Eye Drops Off Shelf

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Deer Kill 17,000

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Dealers Will Hear Car Talk at Noon

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing in Killing

Air Head Fired

Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One

Man Steals Clock, Faces Time

Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped

Never Withhold Herpes from Loved One

Smokers Are Productive, But Death Cuts Efficiency

Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung

Child's Stool Great for Use in Garden

Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy

Man is Fatally Slain

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Autos Killing 110 a Day, Let's Resolve to do Better

Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?

2007-10-04 20:50:24 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.

He approached her and asked; " Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me.

You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.

Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, " Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.

One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said: "If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair ."

HAHAHA...... ...!!!!!!
enjoy....... ..

2007-10-04 20:08:05 · 6 answers · asked by Soft Heart 6