Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

New Virus Alert!
If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes" delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.

It will drink all your beer. (For Gods sake, man! Are you listening?!?!)

It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

It will program your phone auto dial to call only your mother-in-law's number.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

2007-10-06 04:39:28 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.She asked,"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?"The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos,hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me." "Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular, two black and two decaf."

Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune. The first day they go fishing, they catch nothing.The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.As they're driving home the they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says,

2007-10-06 03:43:58 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.
"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."

One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.

"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.

"I was was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."

2007-10-06 03:29:55 · 17 answers · asked by bellatrix 6

Rules Of The Road
The female passenger will have to pee every 50 miles, no matter how fast you drive.

The minute you pass a "Last exit for 50 miles" sign, someone will have to pee.

The millisecond you throw a beer bottle from your car, a state trooper will appear.

The exact change toll lane moves slower than the lane that has to make change.

Toll booth operators must possess at least two of the following qualities:
-Less than ten digits
-Lack of teeth
-A rare skin disorder
-The ability to mispronounce the simplest of words
-The inability to give directions in under ten minutes

If you approach an empty intersection at 3:00 AM, the light will turn red and stick for two or three cycles.

The minute you decide to run the red light at 3:00 AM, a state trooper will appear.

When the gas gauge needle hits "E", there's still a gallon left in the tank.

When the gas gauge needle hits "F", the tank isn't really full.

Car trouble never happens until you have an important meeting, are already running late, or are at least 100 miles from any type of help.

2007-10-06 02:50:19 · 15 answers · asked by pheonix140180 3

Joe Smith started the day early having set his
alarm clock
(MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6am.
While his coffeepot
(MADE IN CHINA )
was perking, he shaved with his
electric razor
(MADE IN HONG KONG ).
He put on a
dress shirt
(MADE IN SRI LANKA ),
designer jeans
(MADE IN SINGAPORE )
and
tennis shoes
(MADE IN KOREA )
After cooking his breakfast in his new
electric skillet
(MADE IN INDIA )
he sat down with his
calculator
(MADE IN MEXICO )
to see how much he could spend today. After setting his
watch
(MADE IN TAIWAN )
to the radio
(MADE IN INDIA )
he got in his car
(MADE IN GERMANY )
filled it with GAS
(from Saudi Arabia )
and continued his search
for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.
At the end
of yet another discouraging
and fruitless day
checking his
Computer
(Made In Malaysia ),
Joe decided to relax for a while.
He put on his sandals
(MADE IN BRAZIL )
poured himself a glass of
wine
(MADE IN FRANCE )
and turned on his
TV
(MADE IN INDONESIA ),
and then wondered
why he can't find
a good paying job
in AMERICA .....

2007-10-06 02:14:23 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-06 02:13:14 · 3 answers · asked by mostfamouscharacter 1

There was a romantic full harvest moon rising on the eastern horizon. Ma and Pa, both in their seventies, were enjoying the beautiful autumn evening together, sitting on their front porch swing, rocking gently.

Suddenly, Pa turned his head and said to Ma, "Sc**w you, Ma!"

A minute or two went by. Then Ma turned her head toward Pa and calmly replied, "Sc**w you, Pa."

Again, another minute passed, and Pa said to Ma, "Sc**w you, Ma."

Another minute went by, and Ma said to Pa, "Sc**w you, Pa."

Yet another minute elapsed, and Pa responded to Ma, "Sc**w you, Ma."

A minute later, Ma said to Pa, "Sc**w you, Pa."

There was no reply - just complete silence for several minutes.

Then, Pa turned to Ma and said, "I don't know about you Ma, but I really don't get too much out of this or*l s*x!"

2007-10-06 01:58:49 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Albert's Uncle Tony owns a s*x shop and every day after school, Little Albert drops by to visit him.
One afternoon, Albert walks through the door and Uncle Tony says, "Hi, kid. Can you look after the store for a few minutes while I run out to the post office?"
Sure, Uncle," replies Albert, and sets his school things on the counter. Tony leaves and a few minutes later, three nuns walk in.
The nuns are a little embarrassed to see a kid running the store, but they are desperate.
"How much for that big, pink d**do?" whispers the first nun.
"Ten dollars," replies Little Albert, confidently. "Batteries not included."
"I will take it," says the nun, as she is pushed aside by the next nun.
"How much for that huge, bright purple one?" whispers the second nun.
"Twenty dollars," replies Albert. "Batteries not included."
"I will take it sonny," snaps the second nun. "And put it in a plain brown wrapper."

2007-10-06 01:45:01 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Ernie is at the zoo with his teacher, Miss Goodbody, and the entire class. They are touring around when Ernie sees a deer peacefully grazing on some grass."
Ernie, can you tell us the name of that animal?" asks Miss Goodbody, pointing to the deer."Well," says Ernie, "I think it is a... I guess it is a..."
"Let me give you a hint," interrupts Miss Goodbody. "What does your mother call your father every morning?" "Oh, right!" shouts Ernie. "It is an asshole!"


Little Albert's mother cannot bring herself to tell the little boy that his dog, Laddy, has just been run over by a car and killed.
When Albert comes home from school she talks of other things for a few minutes, but finally, she says, "Albert, listen. Laddy has been run over and killed by an automobile."
"Oh!" says the boy, and goes out to play, whistling.
At dinner, Little Albert asks, "Hey, Mom, where is Laddy?"
"Darling," says his mother, "I told you this afternoon: Laddy has been killed by a car."

2007-10-06 01:42:15 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two old men opposite each other on hospital ward...
1st man....my name is Harry.
2nd man..I'm Bill.
1st man...86.
2nd man..84.
1st man..cancer.
2nd man..sagittarius..

2007-10-06 00:38:52 · 20 answers · asked by strongbow 3

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is
still alive,

"Osama himself decided to send George W. a note in his
own
handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the note, which appeared to contain a
single line
of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he emailed it to Dick Cheney.

Cheney and his aides had no clue either, so they sent
it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the
CIA, then to the NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked
Marine Corps Intelligence for help.

Within a few seconds, the Marines cabled back with
this reply:
"Tell the president that he's holding the message
upside down."

2007-10-06 00:34:59 · 10 answers · asked by coolfluke 3

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!' The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: 'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.' 'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago.' 'And what about the third rose ?' she asked. 'That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.'

2007-10-06 00:32:09 · 25 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in
their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he
could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor. He gave them
thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests, then
concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On
your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some
grapes and some doughnuts."

"Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across
the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's 'love canal'.
Then, on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and
retrieve the grape using only your tongue."

"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the
room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his
'love pole'. Then, like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume
the doughnut."

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more
wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should
see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would
not take the case unless he felt that he could help them. He conducted
the physical exams and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will
not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will
ever be. I cannot help."

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the
Browns, now please, please help us."

"Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office,
stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of
Cheerios..."

2007-10-06 00:29:49 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it.
Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make the proper "final" arrangements.
As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.

For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem. The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:

"RETURNED UNOPENED"

2007-10-06 00:11:39 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde goes into her local pet shop in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign on the box says: "Sex Frogs! Only $50 each! Comes with complete instructions."

The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody is watching her. Certain that she is not being watched, she whispers to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one of the sex frogs!"
As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions."
The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what the instructions tell her:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightgown.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog beside you and
the frog will do what he has been trained to do.
She quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens. The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems, please call the store."
So our blonde heroine calls the pet shop. The man says, "I'll be right over."
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions, but the damned frog just sits there!"
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares into its eyes and says very sternly, "Look, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

2007-10-06 00:06:05 · 21 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

Middle age is the awkward period when Father Time starts to catch up with Mother Nature - Harold Coffin

Middle age is when your broad mind and narrow waist begin to change places - E Joseph Cossman.

Middle age is when you're old enough to know better but still young enough to do it. - Ogden Nash

Middle age is when it takes you all night to do once what once you used to do all night. - Kenny Everett.

The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you'll grow out of it. - Doris Day

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy. - Unknown

Middle age is when you're faced with two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home by nine o'clock -Ronald Reagan.

Middle age - Later than you think and sooner than you expect. - Earl Wilson

Middle age is the time in life when, after pulling in you stomach, you look as if you ought to pull in your stomach - Unknown

2007-10-05 23:49:55 · 7 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

2007-10-05 22:40:37 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a young sailor from Brighton,
Who remarked to his girl "you're a tight one"
She replied "'Pon my soul,
You're in the wrong hole;
There's plenty of room in the right one!"

2007-10-05 22:10:50 · 9 answers · asked by hcchenery 2

a couple of weeks back i had asked this qt "People say i have a great sense of humour. what do i do with it ?"

and i got lots of advice out of which one was that to sell it for 1 buck............... so any starters here............... the bidding starts now....

2007-10-05 21:59:47 · 7 answers · asked by I am a Legend 3

A couple was going out for the evening to celebrate the wife’s birthday. While they were getting ready, the husband put the cat out. The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of their home, the cat shot back into the house. Not wanting their cat to have free run of the house while they were out, the husband went back upstairs to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver, "He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband got into the car, and said, "Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

2007-10-05 21:21:43 · 17 answers · asked by clever trevor 2

How long can you go without talking? I talk so much that my dog bought ear plugs and never takes them out.

2007-10-05 17:55:24 · 22 answers · asked by grannywinkie 6

Hillbilly Medical Terms
Benign.................What you be after you be eight.

Bacteria...............Back door to cafeteria.

Barium.................What you do with dead folks.

Cesarean Section.......A neighborhood in Rome.

Catscan................Searching for the cat.

Cauterize..............Made eye contact with her.

Colic..................A sheep dog.

Coma...................A punctuation mark.

D&C....................Where Washington is.

Dilate.................To live longer than your kids do.

Enema..................Not a friend.

Fester.................Quicker than someone else.

Fibula.................A small lie.

G.I.Series.............World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail...............What you hang your coat on.

Hospital...............The biggest building in town, other than Joe's feed warehouse or Frank's lumber mill.

Impotent...............Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain.............Getting hurt at work.

Morbid.................A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates...............Cheaper than day rates.

Medical Staff..........A Doctor's cane, sometimes shown with a snake.

Node...................I knew it.

Outpatient.............A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear..............A fatherhood test.

Pelvis.................Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative.........A letter carrier.

Recovery Room..........Place to do upholstery.

Secretion..............Hiding something

Tablet.................A small table to change babies on.

Seizure................Roman emperor who lived in the Ceasarean Section.

Terminal Illness.......Getting sick at the train station.

Tumor..................More than one.

Urine..................Opposite of mine.

Varicose...............Near by.

2007-10-05 16:25:33 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff". He finishes his drink, pays his bill and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.

He orders a drink and the monkey starts running round the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his a*$$, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his a*$$, pulled it out, and ate it!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

2007-10-05 15:21:31 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my Moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear what it could be and suddenly.

WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!

Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.

WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.

Not ten seconds later,he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!

The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My Gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror."

2007-10-05 15:15:44 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A sheriff in a small town walked out in the street and saw a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots.

So the sheriff arrested him for indecent exposure. As he was locking him up he asked "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The Cowboy said, "Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asked me to go out to her motor home with her....and I did.

"We went inside and she pulled off her top and asked me to pull off my shirt, .... so I did....

"Then she pulled off her skirt and asked me to pull off my pants... so I did...

"Then she pulled off her panties and asked me to pull off my shorts... So I did...

"Then she got on the bed, looked at me kind of funny and said, Now go to town cowboy....

"So here I am!"

2007-10-05 15:13:56 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

This guy was deer hunting in North Carolina. He shoots a deer, and as he is dragging it back to his truck, he gets stopped by this redneck Game Warden who asks to see his hunting license. The hunter shows him the license, and is about to leave when the Game Warden says "Not so fast, Boy. I need to inspect the deer."

The Game Warden then reaches down, sticks his finger up the deer's butt, pulls it out then sniffs his finger.

The Game Warden gets angry then says "Wait a minute Boy! This here ain't no North Carolina deer; this here is a Virginia deer! You need to have a Virginia Hunting License to hunt this deer. You got a Virginia Hunting License on you Boy?"

Well, it just so happens that the guy had been hunting in Virginia the week before. He goes back into his wallet hand pulls out a Virginia Hunting License.

The Game Warden looks at the valid license and disappointingly says, "Well.... OK, I guess I'll have to let you go. I really do enjoy writing up Boys like you who hunt deer without a license, but you look like you got everything in order. So go on, get out of here."

The following week, the guy is hunting again. He shoots another deer and as he is dragging it back to his truck, he gets stopped by the same Game Warden who says "Just a minute Boy. I need to inspect the deer."

He reaches down, sticks his finger up the deer's butt, pulls it out, sniffs his finger and says, "Boy! This here is a South Carolina deer! You got a South Carolina Hunting License?"

The Hunter, somewhat surprised, said that he had one in the truck. He goes and gets it out of the glove box, shows it to the Game Warden, who again has to let him go.

So this goes on for the next three weeks. Each week the hunter shoots a deer; one from Georgia, Tennessee, and West Virginia. Each time the Game Warden stops to do the Finger Test, and each time the hunter is able to produce the correct license.

Finally, after the West Virginia deer, the Game Warden is furious, "Boy! You got a hunting license from every state in the south! Where the hell are you from, anyway?"

The hunter drops his pants, bends over and says "You tell me!"

2007-10-05 15:11:38 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

When you woke up what was the first thing you saw and what woke you up?

2007-10-05 14:41:00 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Back in the 1930's,granpa lay dying from cancer,the doc told granma get some fresh milk from a cow and put whiskey and give it to granpa, for pain ,but doc,granpa don't drink,cause he's a preacher and we don't have a cow.So granma buys a cow and gives granpa milk daily with whiskey.On his last hours,before going to heaven and dividing all property with family,Granpa tells granma,what ever you do,don't sell that cow,that milk is real good.

2007-10-05 14:39:57 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-05 14:27:50 · 7 answers · asked by Kat 5

I had a car accident the other day,with one of those new Scoda's. I phoned my wife and told her what had happened. She asked if i was allright? i replied yes im'e fine. She then asked if our car was badly damaged. i said no it's fine but there is jam sponge and cream everywhere. :-)!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-10-05 14:17:07 · 7 answers · asked by BUNSEN B 2