Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

it is a book on a MASH episode

2007-10-31 15:24:56 · 6 answers · asked by reese8904 1

Q: Why couldn't the witch get pregnant?
A: Because her boyfriend had a holloweeny.

2007-10-31 14:54:59 · 4 answers · asked by lavendarlaura 2

Two cars set off from the same point to travel the same journey.

The first car has a start of seven minutes before the second car leaves.

If the first car travels at 60 km/h and the second car travels at 90 km/h, how many kilometres will be travelled when the cars are level?

2007-10-31 14:35:59 · 2 answers · asked by CubeScience 3

A man with a light appetite could not finish his Pizza. In fact, he could only eat exactly half of it.

If the diameter of the pizza was 50cm, and the half-pizza was a perfect semicircle, what is the area of the smallest square box, in square centimetres, that could contain the half pizza? Please disregard the thickness of the box, round to the nearest whole number, and answer the question!

I have no idea what the answer is, anyone else know? My friend gave it to me!

2007-10-31 14:25:41 · 8 answers · asked by Matthew C 2

Well, the answer's obvious, I just thought it'd be funny to read your replies.

2007-10-31 14:25:39 · 10 answers · asked by UH HUH HER 5

Pop Tart

2007-10-31 14:04:59 · 9 answers · asked by banjaxed 6

Spanky, Alfalfa, and Buckwheat were in class and the teacher asked " who can spell the word dictate and use it in a sentence ?" She called on Spanky first and he said " d-i-c-k " there she stopped him and told him that was wrong. Then it was Alfalfa's turn, he said " d-i-k " then she also stopped him and she asked Buckwheat if he could spell it. He said " oh tay, d-i-c-t-a-t-e ." She said "why yes that's right, now can you use it in a sentence ?" Again he said " oh tay, MY GIRLFRIEND SAYS MY DICTATE GOOD !"

2007-10-31 14:03:22 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

See you at Chelsea's match said his mate. No, the wife wants me to go shopping. Don't stand for that. Drag her drawers down and give her backside a good slapping. Show her who's boss. I'll see you on Saturday at the match. On Tuesday they met again. Didn't see you the match. No, well, like you said, when she said we have to go shopping, I showed her who's boss. Dragged her drawers down and gave her backside a good slapping. Then I thought- I don't know, Chelsea aren't playing all that well...

2007-10-31 13:17:50 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Born in Philadelphia November 10th, and are always faithful, name the tavern and discover the musette de cour connection, and that which came before the wine.

I realize all of the obvious and what everything means. I am having a hard time putting it all together. Such as the musette de cour connection, and that which came before the wine.

2007-10-31 13:12:53 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Wat did the blonde say when the doctor told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"

2007-10-31 13:05:25 · 23 answers · asked by Bubba S 1

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next."

2007-10-31 13:02:30 · 21 answers · asked by Bubba S 1

As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked car, the local sheriff asks her what happened.

The blonde began, "It was the strangest thing! I looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right. Then I saw another tree, so I swerved to left. Then there was another tree, and another and another ..."

The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, "Mam ... I don't know how to tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty miles is your air freshener."

2007-10-31 12:59:14 · 20 answers · asked by Bubba S 1

2007-10-31 12:54:56 · 13 answers · asked by Keylogger 1

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."

"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."

"He died of a broken neck."

"A broken neck?"

"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

2007-10-31 12:53:47 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man.
Love, To forgive him and;
Patience, For his moods.
Because if I pray for Strength
I'll just beat him to death.

2007-10-31 12:52:50 · 16 answers · asked by Bubba S 1

An Irish, Mexican, and blonde man all worked for a construction company. One day when eating lunch, the Irish man said,"If I have to eat corned beef and cabbage again for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building!"

The Mexican says,"If I have to eat burriots one more time, I'm going to jump off this building, too!"

The blonde guy says,''If I have to eat bologna again, I'm also going to jump off this building!"

The next day, sure enough, the Mexican had burritos, the Irish had corned beef and cabbage, and the blonde bologna. All 3 jumped the building.

At the funeral, all 3 wives were talking. The Mexican wife said,"If I had known he didn't want burritos anymore, I would've packed him enchilladas!"

The Irish wife said,"I wish he had told me he hated corned beef and cabbage!"

"Don't look at me,'' the wife of the blonde said. "He packed his own lunches."

2007-10-31 12:45:24 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

John took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked the man. "I want to get weighed," said the girl. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

2007-10-31 12:45:09 · 9 answers · asked by Bubba S 1

Morris came home and found his wife Sadie crying.
She said, "I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you''re having
an affair with your secretary. Why would you do that to me?
I''ve always been a good wife. I''ve cooked for you, raised
your children, and have always been by your side for 35
years. What haven''t I done to make you happy?"
Morris replied, "It''s true, Sadie, you''ve been the best
wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but
one. You never moan when we have sex."
Sadie said, "If I moaned when we have sex, would you stop
running around? All right, come to the bedroom so I can show
you that I can moan during sex."
They went to the bedroom, got undressed, and jumped into
bed.
As they started kissing, Sadie said, "Now, Morris? Should I
moan now?"
He said, "No, not yet."
He started to fondle her and she said, "What about now?
Should I moan now?"
He said, "No, I''ll tell you when."
He climbed on top of her and started to move on her.
She said, "Is it time for me to moan now, Morris?"
He said, "Wait, wait, I''ll tell you when."
A few minutes later, just seconds before he was going to
finish, he said "Now, Sadie. Moan! Moan!"
She said, "Oy, you wouldn''t believe what a day I had..."

2007-10-31 12:38:57 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Im from Texas...howdy ya'll hahahaha:)

U might be a redneck if u ever had tow ur car out of a pothole in ur driveway...
If u take a load to the town dump and come back with more than u took....
If u hav been in a custody battle over a hunting dog...
If ine of ur kids was born on a pool table....
And u might be a redneck if ur grandpa died and left everything to his widow, only problem is. She cant touch anything till she turns 18::)))

Got any funny ones?

2007-10-31 12:35:44 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-31 12:33:07 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

what do you call nutz on a wall? (walnuts)
what do you call nutz on a chest? (chestnuts)
what do you call nutz on a chin? ( ah d@#k in your mouth!)

2007-10-31 12:13:15 · 8 answers · asked by Bigpoppa 2

1. Follow them around the house everywhere.
2. Moo when they say your name.
3. Run into walls.
4. Say that wearing clothes is against your religion.
5. Stand over them at four in the morning with a huge grin on your face and say, good morning sunshine
6. Pluck someone's hair out and yell, "DNA"
7. Wear a sticker that says, "I’m a retard"
8. Have 20 imaginary friends that you talk to all the time.
9. In public yell, "No Mom/Dad, I will not make out with you!!"
10. Do what they actually tell you.
11. Jump off the roof, trying to fly.
12. Hold their hand and whisper to them, I see dead people.
13. At everything they say yell, Liar.
14. Try to swim in the floor.
15. Tap on their door all night.

2007-10-31 12:09:34 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per min!

....................and for reading this joke that's 4.95! jk! ; )

2007-10-31 12:01:44 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-31 11:57:27 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Boy comes home from school with a black eye.

His father sees it and says, "Joey, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"

"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!"

"Joey" the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to women."

Sure enough, the very next day Joey came home with the other eye black and blue.

Joey's father said, "Joey, I thought we had a talk!"

"But Dad," Joey said, "It wasn't my fault.
There we were in church saying our prayers.
We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt.
Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out.
Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"

2007-10-31 11:49:55 · 16 answers · asked by Trucky 5

A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents' bedroom.
Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says,
"Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him."

His mom is taken by surprise and says.
"Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."

The boy says, "That won't work."

His mom says, "Why?"

The boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

2007-10-31 11:43:25 · 14 answers · asked by Trucky 5

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father", answered the mother, "I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

2007-10-31 11:28:26 · 8 answers · asked by Trucky 5

Guys you see the picture link below? In the image just stare at the plus sign in the middle for about a minute without moving your eyes and after a while all the pink dots will dissapear leaving only a green rotating dot.

http://i207.photobucket.com/albums/bb234/vurdlak8/trippyredballs.gif

Incredible isn't it?
Good Luck.

2007-10-31 11:24:49 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the
little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."

The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say
the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to
'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper.'"

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his
father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have
to whisper."

The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper
in my ear."

2007-10-31 11:22:03 · 14 answers · asked by Trucky 5

A mafia's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.

He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.

He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..."

2007-10-31 11:19:38 · 9 answers · asked by Trucky 5