Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand.With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.Keeping my ears carefully tuned to
> >the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-10-30 17:10:48 · 15 answers · asked by paddlepop 3

in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Johnny?" "My goldfish died", replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

As Johnny patted down the last heap of earth he then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

2007-10-30 16:18:23 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Can you tell me a joke. I dont care if its funny or not, but the funniest joke will be chosen as best anwser!!!!!!!! thnx

2007-10-30 16:08:50 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one-by-one began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?", the teacher asked.

"Yes ma'am," Johnny replied. "My daddy told me a story about my Aunt Nancy. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.

"She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

"She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed right in the middle of 20 enemy troops. She shot 15 of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed 4 more with the knife till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," cried the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy give you from this horrible story?"

Stay the hell away from Aunt Nancy when she's drinking.

2007-10-30 15:46:52 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

What color coats did the redcoats wear during the American Revolutionary War???????

2007-10-30 15:39:21 · 38 answers · asked by johnduo0007 1

Gomer Pyle

2007-10-30 15:15:26 · 7 answers · asked by msalr11 1

Ok, just like last time, answer the riddles and help me get my extra credit in school! This time the deadline in Friday. I will choose best answer between that night and Tuesday night.
1) How many of 21 integers must be odd for the product to be odd?
2) One train leaves Station A at 8AM going 35MPH. Another Train leaves Station B at 9AM going 40MPH. They are headed towards each other. Which will be closer to Station A when they pass?
3) In my drawer are socks galore, in a ratio of 4 to 5 brown to black socks. In the dark, how many socks do I need to pull out to insure that I have a matching pair?
4) What is the significance of the title "Fahrenheit 451", the 1953 Rad Bradbury novel set in a repressive future in which all books are banned?
5) 2 scrabble champions play 5 games of scrabble. Each won and lost the same number of games with no ties. How is this possible?

2007-10-30 15:08:01 · 11 answers · asked by colt.robertson 2

Finally, here is a definition of globalization I can understand and to which I can relate!




Question : What is the truest definition of Globalization?




Answer: Princess

Diana's death.




Question: How come?




Answer:


An English princess with


an Egyptian boyfriend


crashes in a French


tunnel, driving a


German car


with a Dutch engine,


driven by a Belgian


who was drunk


on Scottish whisky,


(check the bottle before you change the spelling),


followed closely by


Italian Paparazzi,


on Japanese motorcycles;


treated by an American doctor, using


Brazilian medicines.





This is sent to you by


An Iranian,


using Bill Gates's technology,


and you're probably reading this on your computer,


that uses Taiwanese


chips, and a


Korean monitor,


assembled by


Bangladeshi workers


in a Singapore plant,


transported by Indian


lorry-drivers,


hijacked by Indonesians,


unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,


and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....








That, my friends, is Globalization!


Have a great day

2007-10-30 15:05:15 · 11 answers · asked by ? 5

How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?

2007-10-30 15:01:39 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

why do birds ________ fly south for the winter?
they can't afford to take the train

2007-10-30 14:21:22 · 4 answers · asked by CoOkI3 2

so theres this boy who lives in chichago, and his parents beat him
he was then moved to love with his grandparents, but they beat him too
then he was sent to live with his aunt/uncle but they would beat him too, i guess it was just their way of disciplinging
later, he was taken away and asked who he wanted to live with
even tho it was unethical to ask, he had to live we someone, and so he decided, "i wanna live with the Redskins.....beacuse they cant beat anyone"


HAHAHAHHA that last redskin game was saaaaaad
50 to like 7 boo redskins i hate them!

2007-10-30 14:20:37 · 7 answers · asked by blah 2

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testings were done, the applications were short listed to 3 finalists … two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. “Kill Her!" said the FBI. The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife. I loved her too much. She‘s my life!" The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, oh god how I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

2007-10-30 14:10:10 · 11 answers · asked by Naruto 6

Q:: Whst do you do with 365 used condoms?

A:: Melt them all together and call it a Good Year

haha i thought it was funny THX BH

2007-10-30 14:08:04 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-30 13:58:32 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Answer: It's because ghosts have Hollow-weenies!:)

2007-10-30 13:29:54 · 6 answers · asked by tangerine 7

You wandered and got lost in the woods...it is autumn cold, you had but nothing....one matchstick left in the matchbox........what can you do..it is getting dark and dangerous..........?

2007-10-30 13:29:41 · 7 answers · asked by E@rthGoddess 6

An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out. He gives him the advice: "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic and it really helped, you should try it too!". Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed. "I see you followed my advice?".

"I did", answers the employee, "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!".

2007-10-30 13:27:11 · 19 answers · asked by ♥ 2

John was in the cemetery attending to one of his friend's burial rite. His face displayed a very sad one.He couldn't stop crying. His heart was so heavy that he bit his lip so hard until it bled. He loved his friend very much.Suddenly his face cleared, his eyebrows raised, and grinned............

2007-10-30 13:26:05 · 2 answers · asked by E@rthGoddess 6

One day this man was driving for hours through the country side and needed to go to the bathroom urgently. He sees an old store off the side of the road, pulls up and proceeds to the bathroom. When he was done dumping his captains log, he looked around and noticed to his shock there was no toilet paper and a sign on the wall - "Sorry, there is no toilet paper, but if you wipe your **** with your index and middle fingers and stick them in this hole they will be licked clean." The man thought to himself that that was nasty and that he was not going to do that. So he sits for a further hour trying to figure out what to do, and eventually realizes that although its nasty, that he would do it. So he wipes his **** with his fingers and sticks them in the hole. Then a man on the other side slams two bricks onto the mans fingers so hard the unbelievable pain causes him to shove his fingers in his mouth.

2007-10-30 13:24:48 · 22 answers · asked by ♥ 2

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place...smack his *ss again!"

2007-10-30 13:21:03 · 10 answers · asked by larry m♥ 7

2007-10-30 13:10:39 · 12 answers · asked by The Unconventional Desert Rat II 3

They both drink 5 pints of beer and water in a few mins.
Landlord asks why there so thirsty.
He replies we're both Blacksmiths.
Landlord says" What, your dog is a blacksmith as well?"
Man says "Yeah , We are, I'll bet you a pint"
Landlord says "OK , prove it. let's see the dog make something."
Blacksmith heats a poker in the fire till it's red hot then pulls it out and says "Ready?"
Landlord and punters wait with bated breath.
Blacksmith sticks red hot poker up the dogs ****,
The dog makes a bolt for the door.

2007-10-30 13:09:08 · 6 answers · asked by angiebaby 2

An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irish man are at the local swimming pool. At the pool is a water slide with a seperate pool at the bottom of it.

at the top of the slide a genie appears and says to the 3 of them...what ever you shout out going down the slide you will land in it.

so the englishman goes first...."Laaaaaageeeer" he shouts and sure enough, the pool at the bottom is full of lager.

the scotsman goes next...."Whiskkkeeeeyyyy" and sure enough the pool at the bottom turned to whiskey.

the Irishman goes next...."Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee".......................

2007-10-30 13:08:00 · 12 answers · asked by Paul S 5

This jobless Scouser goes into a job centre looking for work, and is told that he'll HAVE to
take whatever job he picks at random from a bucket.
So he delves deep, and pulls out one that says "TURKEY W.ANKER REQUIRED".
He has no option, and goes to this nearby farm. He speaks to the farmer,
who explains that the latest craze in Japan is for women to smear turkey spunk on their faces
to prevent wrinkles. And the farmer says "It's simple....just hold the turkey under one arm, grab its penis with the other, shake for a while, and then collect it in this bucket."
The bloke is still unsure about the whole thing as he enters the turkey coop.
There are thousands of them in there. He gazes around and about, and then suddenly, a turkey catches his eye and starts advancing towards him, going "Gobble gobble gobble".
And the Scouser says "No f.ucking way, a w.ank is all you're going to get."

2007-10-30 12:58:16 · 12 answers · asked by Trucky 5

Quasimodo was lying in a crumpled heap at the foot of Notre Dame Cathedral, crying out: 'Esmeralda, Esmeralda!'
She came running down the steps. 'Quasimodo, what is it?' she asked.
He replied: 'When I asked you to toss me off, that wasn't quite what I meant.'

2007-10-30 12:49:03 · 8 answers · asked by Trucky 5

'War continues in Iraq. They're calling it Operation Iraqi Freedom.
They were going to call it Operation Iraqi Liberation until they realized that spells 'OIL.''



CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts ...
regular, premium and unleaded."

2007-10-30 12:45:39 · 10 answers · asked by Trucky 5

Okay, so it may not be raining cats but it definitely rains frogs occasionally and it's been reported all over the world. You may have seen it rain frogs on such TV shows as The X-Files. The most likely explanation made by meteorologists is that a near-by wind storm sucked them up and after moving them many miles, spits them back out again. You decide for yourself where these little guys come from.

In the summer of 1926, a young caddie at a local golf course recorded this "frog fall". here had been a drought that summer and the fairways were brown and dried up. One afternoon, a sudden storm came up and a terrific thunderstorm followed. Rain came down in torrents and with it frogs about the size of nickels. They were alive and jumping and there were thousands of them. The golfers and the young man couldn't believe their eyes as they watched thousands of frogs rain down from the sky.
W.A. Walker, Evansville Indiana (Camden, Arkansas News 1-2-1973.

"I was raised on a farm in Minnesota, and as a boy, I remember a storm coming up. It looked serious, so we ran to the cellar. Afterwards we went outside and saw our chickens eating tiny frogs and fishes!"
F.J. McManus, Laguna Beach, California

2007-10-30 12:44:49 · 5 answers · asked by Mr Catnip 6

At a White House press conference today, Tipper Gore announced that she is going onto
the Presidential Campaign Trail with her husband, Vice President Al Gore.
"To prepare myself," she said, "I have shaved off all my pubic hair.
From now until the election, I shall sit on the stage with the Vice President,
and will have my legs apart without wearing any panties."
"What is the message?" gasped astonished reporters at the news of this rather
startling announcement.
"Read my lips: No more Bush."

2007-10-30 12:41:47 · 8 answers · asked by Trucky 5

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away.

Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."

2007-10-30 12:39:11 · 19 answers · asked by Trucky 5

If you throw it hard enough.

2007-10-30 12:18:56 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous